Secret Kiss (30 page)

Shit. He needed to talk to her. Tell her what was going on, that he would be gone for a few days but that he’d be back.

Stalking through his house, he threw his bag by the front door and grabbed his keys. Adam had been in some sketchy situations in his years with the CIA. As a field agent, sometimes, he’d had a lot of intel, and sometimes, he’d had next to none. But the one thing he’d always had was an objective.

Adam had no idea if Jane was mad at him. Hurt. Or if she cared at all. Hell, she could have been on a date with Eli for all he knew. He was going in blind. But his objective was clear. He needed to explain everything to her, and hopefully, she wouldn’t mind answering some burning questions he had, like what the hell was going on with Eli.

He opened the door and saw that he wouldn’t have to go as far he’d thought for his mission.

“Jane?” He’d said her name in question form only because she was walking away.

After turning around slowly, she sheepishly raised her hand, not making eye contact with him. “Hi.”

“I was just coming to see you.” Adam wanted so badly to pull her into his arms, but he knew he couldn’t do that.

When Jane’s eyes finally met his, his entire body relaxed. For the first time since Alexis had shown up, he let out a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding. Jane had that calming effect on him. When she was around, he felt centered. Safe. Home.

That woman owned him, mind, body, and soul, and she had no idea. Time to change that.

She wasn’t speaking and she was biting on the inside of her lip, which she did when she was anxious.

“Do you want to come in?” he said softly, not wanting to do anything to spook her.

“Okay.” Her voice sounded anything but sure as she stepped through the doorway and stopped when she saw his duffel bag. Her eyes flew to his. “Are you leaving?”

“I have to go back and take care of a few things. I’ll only be gone a few days. A week tops.” Adam knew how that must sound. His “wife” showed up and now he was leaving town. Jane had no reason to trust him, but he prayed that she would. “I’m coming back. I promise.”

For a few moments, she remained stock-still, not going forward and not retreating. Adam’s gut twisted in so many knots that he wasn’t sure it would ever be the same again.

After what felt like an eternity, Jane walked past him into the house. As she did, she brushed a stray hair from her face and that flowery, vanilla scent that was uniquely Jane wafted into the air.

Every muscle taut with anxiety relaxed as soon as she stepped inside. Taking a deep breath, Adam sighed. “I missed you.”

“We just spent two days together.” Jane grinned, but then she must’ve thought about what they’d done during those two days, because her cheeks pinked and she nervously licked her lips.

Damn, he wanted to kiss her so bad. It was killing him to keep his distance, but if he had any shot at making her understand, he had to.

Shutting the door, he motioned for her to sit on the sofa against the far wall, and he sat on the coffee table in front of her. The energy between them was so different than it had ever been. It was still filled with sexual undertones, but now, it felt like there was so much distance between them.

Adam wasn’t really sure where to start. “So you’re probably wondering who Alexis is.” He figured he might as well start there.

“She made it pretty clear she’s your wife,” Jane shot back.

“She is. Or she was. I started divorce proceedings months ago, and she’s refusing to sign the papers.”

“Why?” She looked upset, but she also looked like she was listening, which was all he could have asked for.

“She wants to talk to me.” It sounded so stupid when Adam said it out loud. That
that
was what was holding his divorce up.

She tilted her head and got that cute wrinkle in her forehead. “And you don’t want to talk to her.”

He ran his fingers through his hair. He couldn’t explain this without telling her everything. The only other person he’d told this to was Declan, and that hadn’t been in a friendship capacity. That was as his attorney. Opening himself up, sharing anything personal, wasn’t easy for Adam. In fact, he never did it.

Looking into Jane’s light amber eyes, he knew he had to. Even if she didn’t understand. Even if she walked away from him, he had to try.

“Alexis and I met ten years ago. We were both scouted by the Central Intelligence Agency. She was in her senior year at MIT, and I was in the Army. We were assigned a mission together as husband and wife, and it kind of bonded us.

“Neither of us really knew what we were getting into then. We stayed in contact over the next year in the agency, where she became a full-time operative while I went into cryptology. I still had to go into the field, but that was rare.”

Shaking his head, he tried to remember why they’d been together in the first place. “I think we gravitated towards each other because we felt like we understood what the other was going through. Where we’d come from. So we dated for a few years, and then we got married.

“A few months ago, I came home early from an assignment because my lawyer and friend, Declan, had inked a deal to sell my app and I had to be there to finalize it. I decided not to call Alexis. I thought I would surprise her. Not just with coming home early, but also with the sale.

“When I got to the house we shared, it was around nine p.m. and she wasn’t home. That wasn’t unusual because of the nature of her job. So I went on her computer to see if she had any appointments or plans with friends. I didn’t find that answer, but I did find an e-mail from her doctor following up on the abortion she’d had six weeks prior.”

His chest tightened as he remembered how betrayed he’d felt. “We’d been trying to have kids for a few years. I always wanted a family. Probably to make up for what I didn’t have. Alexis said that she did too. So I had no idea why she would lie to me.

“When she got home an hour later, I wasn’t the only one with a surprise. She came through the front door going at it with my boss, who I’d thought was one of my best friends.” He leaned his elbows on his knees. “Theo, my boss, got out of there as fast as he could. And Alexis tried to apologize. She said that we’d grown apart. When I confronted her about the abortion, she told me she’d had to do that because she wasn’t sure whose baby it was.”

Jane put her hand on his knee, her eyes filled with emotion. “I’m so sorry, Adam. I’m so sorry that you went through that.”

“It’s fine,” he assured her. “I just wish I could put it behind me. Alexis won’t sign the papers, and not only that, she’s moved into my apartment.”

“I thought you said you lived together.”

“We had a house we shared and then we each had our own apartments. I believed it was for work purposes. But, looking back, I think it might’ve been so Alexis didn’t have to slow down her dating life.”

“And, now, she wants to talk?” Jane asked, her eyes searching his like she was trying desperately to understand.

“Yeah. That’s why I’m going back. I agreed to go to see a mediator so she would sign the papers. I just want to get this done.”

“Okay.” Jane nodded slowly.

Adam didn’t want to waste one more minute talking about her. “I was going to tell you. I swear. I wanted to tell you so many times. I was going to tell you last night. I know that didn’t happen, but I promise you I wasn’t going to let anything stop me from telling you tonight.”

She grinned. “I know. While I was trying to explain everything to my grandparents, I put two and two together that that was probably what you wanted to talk about.”

“Oh shit. Walter and Dolores. Are they upset? Do you want me to go talk to them?” He stood up, ready to head over there. “I can explain—”

“No.” She stood as well. “They’re on their way to Lake Tahoe.”

“Oh, that’s right.” Adam remembered. “Wait, they left you alone?”

Jane smiled a smile he felt all the way down to his toes. “I told them I wanted to be alone.”

This might have been a bad time, but he couldn’t help himself. He had zero self-control around Jane. Taking a small step and closing the distance between them, he asked, his voice growing husky, “Is that what you want? Do you want to be alone?”

‡

I
s that what she wanted? No. The real question was: what was she going to do about it?

He was leaving. To go to mediation. With his wife. His wife who had cheated on him and aborted a baby that might or might not have been his behind his back.

She needed time to process. Unfortunately, time was something she didn’t have.

Adam stepped even closer. His body was so close that she could feel the heat radiating off of him. Her eyes were aimed straight at his chest. The chest she’d lathered with soapy water earlier that morning. She knew how strong it was, how good it felt to lay her head against it. That was what she wanted. For Adam to pull her into his arms and never let her go.

“Jane, this time with you has been… It’s been everything I never thought I’d have. Never thought I’d experience.”

Chills broke out on Jane’s arms, and Adam’s warm breath washed over her as his voice vibrated through her.

“I’m not sure when, but I fell in lo—”

Reaching up, Jane covered his mouth with her hand. “No. Don’t.”

She was pretty sure she knew what he’d been about to say, and there was no way she could handle hearing those words
and
the possibility of him not coming back. As it was, she figured she had a fifty-fifty chance of recovering if she never saw him again. Or, worse, if he returned to Hope Falls…with his wife.

As soon as she moved her hand, Adam spoke again, a tortured, intense look filling his aqua-blue gaze. “Jane, I want to tell you how I feel, what you mean to me.”

Her head started shaking before he’d even finished his sentence. “No. I can’t, Adam.”

“Jane, please.”

The desperation in his voice broke her heart. Which was quite a feat since it was already broken in so many pieces that she would’ve thought it was just dust.

“No.” She held her ground.

“Tell me what you want, Jane. What can I do? I’m so sorry.”

The need to make this right with her was palpable. It was heavy. But he really hadn’t done anything wrong. He’d stepped in to help out with her grandparents. He’d told her multiple times that they needed to talk. He’d never said that he wasn’t married.

Last night, Jane had decided to live in the moment, not to overthink things. Maybe it had been her hormones, or maybe it had just been because she was madly in love with the man standing less than an inch in front of her, trying to pour his heart out. But whatever the reason, Jane made a decision, and a peace instantly fell over her.

“You’re not leaving until tomorrow?” she clarified.

“My flight’s at nine a.m., but I can reschedu—”

Lifting her hand, she stopped him. Then, touching his chest, she felt his heart thumping heavily beneath her palm and closed her eyes, taking a moment to feel the heart that had stolen hers.

Then, opening her lids, she tilted her head and met his gaze. “The first time we were together, I honestly thought it was a fluke. I hoped that it would happen again, but I doubted it would. Then, call it fate, destiny, or meddling grandparents—whatever the reason was, we had last night together. I told myself if that was all I had, just one more night with you, it would be worth it.

“Today, as we rode back to Hope Falls, I was sure I would never feel your lips on me again. Never feel the touch of your hands as they squeezed my hips, pulling me closer to you. Never again experience the ecstasy only you’ve ever made me feel.”

Covering her hand with his, Adam pressed closer to her. “Jane, I—”

“Just let me finish.” She had to get this out if tonight was going to go the way she wanted it to. She didn’t want any mixed signals, any misplaced guilt. With a smile that, although it was tinged in sadness, held so much joy and happiness for the time she and Adam had spent together, she continued. “From the time Nikki roped you into to taking me to the fundraiser to the time you agreed to be my boyfriend, I’ve known we were on borrowed time.

“But I don’t want you to feel bad for that. Or feel like somehow you’ve done wrong by me. You haven’t, Adam. You’ve opened up a part of me I never knew existed. The carnal, primal part that wants to give pleasure as much as take it. That wants to explore every inch of you and for you to do the same to me.” Her eyes brimmed with moisture, but it was because of how much he’d given her. “You gave me something I never thought I’d feel. You made me feel
wanted
. Desired. I never thought I would be the girl who felt that.”

Taking in a shaky breath, she gathered all of her courage to answer Adam’s question. To tell him what she wanted, but first, what she didn’t want. “Tonight, I don’t want to hear you say things that will be permanently imprinted on my soul. I don’t want you to make promises that may or may not come true. And most of all, I don’t want you to feel like you’ve done something wrong by me. You haven’t.

“To answer your original question: no, I don’t want to be alone tonight. Tonight, I just want to be with you. I want to forget the rest of the world. I want to lose myself in you. Tonight, all I want there to be is you and me. Nothing else.”