“Don’t worry, we will see each other, and what better place to visit than New York City? I don’t doubt you will be busy once I leave, and you still have daddy to keep you company.”
The mention of Samuel depressed me, and my happy moment was gone. My husband was married to his work, not to me. He gave his full attention to his patients and his new hospital wing built just for him. In our marriage, I was alone and had been for quite some time. I had been contemplating leaving him. My talk with Nana only proved to me what I knew for a long time now…It was time to leave my marriage.
I wanted to wait until Riley moved out and went off to school. I wanted to take some time to talk to her about it, but remembering Walker and Freddy put that conversation on the back burner. I was about to say something and then we heard the front door open and close. I couldn’t believe that Samuel actually made it home in time to see me and Riley off.
Riley screeched “Daddy’s home” and ran down the stairs to greet her father. She nearly knocked him over; she was beyond excited to see him. As close as a mother and daughter can be, Riley was a daddy’s girl, and so proud of it. They were thick as thieves. I was almost jealous at times, but at least he was paying attention to someone in this family.
I watched Riley from the balcony with her arms wrapped around her father’s neck. Her hero had returned home.
“Daddy, I am so happy you’re home. Mom and I were just about to call for the car. Are you sure you can’t come with us?”
“Riley, sweetheart, settle down and come up for air. You know I would if I could, but you know I have two difficult surgeries planned. I already explained this to you. I hope you have an amazing time, and when you return home, you can tell me all about it.”
Riley’s happy face had just fallen. Was he blind? How could my husband be so observant to the needs of his patients, but not see what was right in front of him? He clearly saddened and disappointed our daughter with his rejection. This trip to New York had been planned for months; he could have arranged it on his schedule. But his work always came first.
“Okay, honey, you and mom have a great trip.”
He kissed our daughter on her forehead and turned away from her. Riley released a lone tear drop down her cheek. I immediately rushed to her side and held her in my arms.
“Riley, please don’t cry. You know your father and how important his work is to him.”
“Mom, that’s the problem. When are we going to be just as important? I love him so much, but let’s face it, he’s never here anymore. And now that I’m leaving, you will truly be alone. I’m sorry mom. I never considered what it would be like for you when choosing my school.”
“Riley, please sit with me for a minute. I don’t ever want you to second guess your decision to go away to school. NYU is your choice, and it always has been. You’re incredibly talented, and NYU will be lucky to have you. I wish I had the wisdom of your great grandmother, but she is one of a kind. I want to tell you so many things, but sometimes it’s hard for me to find my words. I love you, Riley. You have been my entire world from the moment I found out I was pregnant with you. You have grown into this amazing and accomplished young woman. Don’t ever be afraid of going after what you want, and be happy with the decisions you make for yourself.”
Lunging herself into my arms, she wrapped her arms around my neck and went in for a huge hug. “Thank you, mom. I needed to hear that. Are you okay? You look so sad.”
“I’m fine, sweetheart. Don’t worry about me. I’m going to take a few minutes to speak with your father, and then we can leave for the airport.”
“Okay, mom, I’ll be outside waiting for the car, and I’m going to call Jackson.”
I could feel my anger rising up within me. How could Samuel be so selfish? We had already been arguing last week over him not wanting to go with us, but now this? It was time to get some things off my chest. I always knocked when Samuel’s office door was closed, but not today. I loudly entered through the door, slamming it behind me.
Samuel looked up from his desk and raised his voice at me. “What the hell, Reese?”
“Damn you for hurting our daughter. Can’t you see how you have disappointed her today?”
“Reese, I don’t have time to argue with you about a silly trip to New York.”
“It’s not silly, Samuel. This trip is very important for Riley and to her future as an attending student.” He smiled mockingly as I stood there furious with him.
“If you ask me, our daughter is more excited on seeing the boy who has all of her attention these days, rather than her college choice. Can we talk about this later? I only came home because I forgot a patient file.”
“You mean to tell me that you only came home because you forgot your file? She and I actually thought you made a special trip home just to say goodbye. But I guess work really is your priority, like always. You really are an asshole.”
I couldn’t believe I just said that. I rarely raised my voice at Samuel, but I think that was my limit. I could never stand to see my daughter upset for any reason, and I knew not having her father join us on this trip was breaking her heart.
“Now listen here, Reese. Don’t you ever speak to me like that. You’re out of line. I spoke to Riley last night and explained to her why I couldn’t make the trip. She understood, so why are you busting my balls?”
“Only last night you explained to her? This trip has been planned for…You know what? I can’t do this anymore, Samuel. Our marriage is not working, and we are both miserable.”
This got his attention. I went to leave his office, and Samuel was at my side in a second. Slamming the door and pinning me up against it, he glared at me. His strong arms caged me in.
“You can’t do what anymore, Reese? Be my wife?” Stroking my face with his fingers he let out a sigh. “Let’s end this conversation right now before one of us says something that we can’t take back. And by the way, I’m not miserable.”
“I want a divorce.” I barely got my voice above a whisper, but he released my arms and his expression turned cold. He leaned up against the door trying to catch his breath.
“Reese, you’re my wife, and you will not leave me. Do you understand?”
“Samuel, you can’t make me stay where I’m not happy. I gave up who I was when I married you. I left my friends. I gave up my career and followed yours. It’s time I get some of that back. Why do you care anyway? You’re never here for me anymore. You make a guest appearance once in a while, but never stay. Riley is leaving for college in a few months; I have no reason to continue on this way. Please let me go, and let’s end this farce of a marriage.”
“How can you say that? A farce of a marriage? As if the last eighteen years have meant nothing to you. I will never let you go, Reese. I love you, and I know you may not love me like…but…I can make it up to you.”
“What were you going to say, Samuel? I don’t love you like… what?”
“It’s not important, Reese. We are not getting a divorce, end of discussion. When you return from New York, we will plan a vacation and take some time to sort things out.”
“A vacation is not going to fix what has been broken with us, it’s too late. Don’t you see, Samuel? We need to let go of ‘us’ before ‘us’ gets bad to the point that we will be irreversibly broken. This has been a long time coming, you must know this in your heart. We have grown apart and have been living two very separate lives. I want more, Samuel, and what we have here is not enough for me to stay. Samuel, I’m not trying to hurt you, but this conversation is long overdue. I want a divorce, and nothing you say will ever change my mind.”
“Please don’t do this, Reese. We can go away. It can be a start, a new beginning for the two of us. I’m so sorry that I haven’t been the most attentive husband, but I’ve tried to be. Haven’t I given you a great life?” He gestured around the room. “You have everything you could ever want or need.”
There was no greater distance between us than right there in that room. We were just staring at each other when Samuel finally spoke again. “Come here, Reese.”
Hesitating at first until his eyes slowly pulled me in like a magnet, I walked over to him, and as I got closer, he pulled me into his chest.
“Reese, what can I do to prove how much I love you?” he whispered into my ear.
“Let me go,” I whispered back.
He took in a ragged breath and held me tightly to him as he declared his love for me. Or maybe it was a declaration of his ownership of me. “I have never broken my promise to you since the day I proposed to you, Reese. I have loved you from the moment you woke up in that hospital room and you looked up at me with your beautiful eyes. Give me a chance to be that man again? Let me show you, Reese, how much I love you and can keep my promises.”
I tried to free myself from his hold. He was trying, but he didn’t hold my heart, and I couldn’t stay in this marriage for one more day. All those years I carved out this idealistic life for myself and built the walls around myself like a protected fortress. This was not the life I wanted, but I lived it. My greatest gift was my daughter, Riley, that was it.
Waiting for my answer, Samuel never took his eyes off of me. He began to unbutton my blouse, as my tears fell silently. He always got turned on every time we fought. Sometimes it was an amusing foreplay tactic, but other times it was just so inappropriate or frightening. Like this time. He had me trapped, and I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs for my freedom. Looking into his hurt eyes, I saw him clearly. He was a good man, always had been, but he deserved more than I was willing to give him. Our relationship had been barely existing over the last few years. Didn’t he know this? I tried to reach for his hands and talk to him once more.
“Sex is not going to magically repair the holes that are in our marriage. I can’t do this anymore, Samuel. Please let me go.”
He clenched his jaw and bore his eyes into mine. “You’re right, my love, it’s not always the answer, but at this moment it’s going to make me feel a lot better.”
I tried to walk away, but he pulled me back into him. He turned me around and placed me on his desk. Holding my hands above my head with one of his, he began pressing his hard length into me. I was quiet and still. Samuel never hurt me, but when he showed this dominant side to him, sometimes it frightened me.
“Samuel, please, Riley is waiting for me. We can talk about this when I get home.”
“No, Reese, we won’t. Now stop fighting me, and let me love you.” I wanted him to stop, but he held on to me with a tight grasp. He could be so delicate when he had a scalpel in his hand, but also so incredibly strong. His grip tightened on my wrists. In one swift move, he pulled my skirt up and ripped my panties away from my body. He entered me with force, showing me that he was again in control. There was a time when I enjoyed this type of rough sex and the pleasure I got from it, but it wasn’t with Samuel. I closed my eyes and thought of Walker.
Curse me for ever leaving him.
With one last thrust, Samuel climaxed inside of me. Releasing my hands, he cupped my face, and now his anger had been sated. “I love you, Reese, please don’t leave me. I promise you that we can make our marriage work. Losing you is not an option, Reese, and it will never be. You’ll go to New York, have fun with our daughter, and then you will come back to me, and this conversation will be forgotten, okay?”
He lifted me up and held me to his chest while breathing in my scent. Tears began to fall down my cheeks. Samuel kissed them away and released me. I stood there for a minute to compose myself and take in what just happened between us. How could Samuel ever believe that what he just did to me will fix anything between us? If anything, it’s sex that complicated our situation even more. I asked him for a divorce, but I just was spread out all over his desk not five minutes ago. If that’s what he felt he needed to do to make himself feel good, then fine. He only took my body. It’s what was in my heart that was now leading me down the right path, and my journey ended today with Samuel. He was so smug, as he completely ignored me while he went back to work at his desk. No matter, I had nothing else to say to him.
As I made my way to his office door, I glanced back at him and whispered, “Goodbye Samuel.”
My marriage was over, at least for me. He couldn’t make me stay, no matter how much he tried to control me with his words or sex. This was not what I wanted; hell, it was never what I wanted. I climbed the stairs back to our room to change into fresh clothes, hoping Riley wouldn’t notice. My face was flushed and blotchy. I fixed my hair and make-up quickly, hoping to cover up my goodbye fuck with Samuel, because that’s exactly what it was. I made sure to pack the precious pieces of jewelry and memories that I held onto all of these years, including my journal.
I didn’t know what was waiting for me once I stepped out of this house, but I would take my chances with what Nana called my stiffened back bone. It was time to find me again, and that’s exactly what I intended to do. The car service arrived fifteen minutes later to take Riley and me to the airport. Samuel’s office door was closed, clearly telling me that we had nothing else to say to each other.
I met Riley outside, and she told me that Samuel actually just left. By the way my daughter was looking at me, she knew something was wrong. I played it off, and we headed for the airport. I held on tightly to a certain picture that was now in my pocket. I shouldn’t have picked this time to drop the divorce bomb on Samuel, but I was angry with him. I would always care about Samuel, but never love him in the way he deserved to be loved and cared for.
He saved me the night I miscarried my baby. He had been working the emergency room to help out when I was brought in. I remember waking up in recovery and my hand was being held by a stranger. I was startled by an unfamiliar touch and jerked my body.
“Shhh, it’s okay. Hello, I’m Dr. Briggs. I attended to you while you were being treated in the emergency room.”
Calming myself after realizing where I was, I groggily said, “Hi, I’m Reese Mitchell.” The realization hit me like a punch to my stomach, and I knew why I was there. My best friend, Freddy, had convinced me to return to New York to find Walker to explain why I left him. I never got the chance to do so after becoming violently sick, and then I started to spot. I was just beginning my second trimester of pregnancy. My head was spinning, and I was alone in my hotel room when I fell to the floor. I managed to get to the phone and call 911, and that was the last thing I remembered until waking up there with Samuel.