…seventeen years later
“OH, NANA, RILEY has raided my closet again, leaving not one accessory or article of clothing untouched!”
Oh, how I loved my daughter, but my closet should be off limits to her. She had a fully stocked walk-in closet of her own, but always tended to shop out of mine. That’s what I get for having a daughter, but I loved her so much that I just laughed and smiled. Nana laughed over the phone too.
“I can remember those times when you used to do the same thing, my dear Reese. You used to walk around in my shoes, and oh, poor Bubba, how you dressed up that dog.”
“He loved it, and you know it,” I remarked, as we both reminisced about Bubba.
Bubba never left my side and always protected me during the thunderstorms that still get to me even now. I missed him very much. He lived a long time, sixteen years to be exact. I would never forget the first time coming home for a visit and instantly feeling lost when Bubba didn’t come charging for me. They never did get another pet. Nana and Granddaddy missed him so much.
“Oh, Nana, I didn’t want this phone call to make us sad, and now it has.”
“Oh, sweet girl, don’t you go worrying about poor old Bubba, he’s running around the beautiful skies of heaven, probably causing a ruckus too. What I really want to know is when you’re getting yourself back home to Pottersville for a visit? It’s been way too long, and your Granddaddy has been asking for you, and I want to see my Riley girl too!”
“So you can spoil her some more? Believe me, Nana, that daughter of mine has many of us wrapped around her finger.”
“Well that’s fine by me, she’s my only great grandchild, and I love her to the moon and back.”
Oh that one hurt. It still hurts every time I think of my baby boy that wasn’t strong enough to be born. What hurts the most is that I never even told Nana about him…Walker’s and my child. I made so many mistakes back then.
“Reese…Are you still there?”
“I’m sorry, Nana, yes I’m here. My mind drifted away for a bit. Anyway, I promise to visit soon, and with Riley.”
“What about that husband of yours? Will he bless us with his presence?” Clearly she wasn’t a fan of Samuel.
Granddaddy always treated my Nana like a queen. Nana knew my marriage to Samuel was not an easy one to be in. We seemed to keep it going for appearance sakes and for our daughter, but Nana knew I wanted out. With Riley going off to school, this was my time to leave once and for all. I did try once, a long time ago, but he convinced me to stay, and he would be better. It was okay for a while, and then he left me alone again while he focused on his work. This had been our life for many years now, and I was just playing my part.
“Nana, I have to go now, but I promise to call you soon.”
“Reese, may I say something first?”
“As if I could stop you.” I smiled as I listened.
“Reese, I hope you know I would never encourage one to divorce and abandon their marriage, but you know this marriage has not brought you the happiness that you should have had with…” She stopped before mentioning his name.
“Nana, what are you trying to say?”
“Oh hell! I’m trying to say that you need to find what makes you happy. A husband can’t just make a guest appearance once in a while. He needs to be in it—all in it—forever. If you know deep down in your heart that Samuel is not that man, then you need to stiffen that backbone of yours and finally set yourself free.”
I knew the hidden message Nana was trying to get me to understand, but she never mentioned his name. My true love who I had been separated from all of these years.
“I love you, Nana, so very much. I promise to see you soon.”
“I love you too, my sweet granddaughter.”
Our call ended, but my sadness remained. She was the only one who could see right through me, and yet I kept her and Granddaddy in the dark all of these years, never explaining why I left Walker. What would be the point after all of those years anyway? They were happily retired and enjoying their golden years together. Thank god they were both in good health. We still owned Mitchell’s Café and Book Depot. Of course it was run by a younger staff that could handle the day to day operations, but Nana still liked to make her presence known. She also still baked her famous apple pies that the town loved. I sacrificed my own happiness for the two people who never let me down, and they still have what I fought for them to keep. Somehow knowing that made the bitter pill of my past a little easier to swallow.
I was hopeful that the trip to New York would ultimately change my life. I’d been in contact with Marsha, my agent back in New York when I modeled and signed on with Elite. She was still in the game but on a smaller scale. Her daughter and son ran her office, while she travelled and kept her feet wet in the fashion scene. She was one of many friends from my past who I just simply walked away from when I said goodbye to my old life.
What the hell what I was thinking back then?
And Freddy…my poor Freddy. He must have hated me for abandoning our friendship the way I did. Our last goodbye was in the hospital after I miscarried my baby. I promised I would stay in touch, but I broke that promise and never looked back. Marsha once told me how heartbroken Freddy was with the loss of what we had personally and professionally. While I was encouraged by Samuel to leave it all behind, including my modeling work, Freddy was one of the wounded I had hurt. I convinced myself that leaving Walker to save my family was the right thing to do, but I never had to leave my friends. But I did. It was one of the hardest decisions I ever had to make, and I regretted losing touch with everyone after all of these years.
The trip to New York could possibly reunite me with my best friend. Marsha had phoned me a few weeks back and told me that Freddy was doing a fundraiser fashion show in Central Park. I was beyond excited when I heard the news. Central Park held many amazing memories for me and Freddy. It was our favorite place, but also I would never forget my handsome stranger at the base of the catwalk as I walked toward him. My memory took me back to my first date with Walker Reed. He was unbelievably sexy, dressed all in black. His eyes never left me as I strutted down the catwalk. His eyes hungered with carnal desire for me. God! I wanted him so much, but he made me wait. I couldn’t even begin to go to those places in my mind anymore. Walker was part of my past, but so easily present every time I entertained a happy thought of him.
I couldn’t contain my love and joy for Freddy once I heard what he named the upcoming fundraiser event. He founded a charity after volunteering in orphanages throughout Israel and called it “Peaches Promises.” Marsha explained that he took a pilgrimage trip and just fell in love with the children. He toured the war torn cities of his parents’ beloved country. Doing well in his career, with no worry for money, he decided to give something back. This made his parents so immensely proud of him. The foundation had recently celebrated its tenth anniversary, and Freddy had created a children’s clothing line with half of the profits going back into his charity. My heart was bursting with love for my friend. I missed him so much. To be in New York again was meant for Riley, but now with Marsha’s help, she was paving my way back to Freddy. I just prayed he would talk to me. Looking at my watch, I knew I needed to get going soon, but I still had my closet to clean up first.
As I surveyed the mess, a box toppled over and its contents spilled out. I picked up my tattered journal, and my eyes found his. Walker’s picture was staring back at me. I only kept this one picture of him. Fleeing the life I had shared with him didn’t leave me with time to take more mementos with me. Most of our pictures together were at his apartment prominently displayed all around his living and bedroom. I carried this picture of Walker in my wallet for many years until I finally removed it and placed it in my journal. It would forever be sealed and wrapped up in the words that I wrote when I left him. If I could turn back time and go back to that day, I wouldn’t have done what I was being forced to do.
I often wondered what would have happened if I stood up to Walker’s father, Phillip. It’s not that I didn’t try, but he was too powerful for me to go up against. And with that last threat he delivered to me, I was convinced that he would destroy me and everyone I loved. He bullied and threw me out of his son’s life. I was in love with Walker and carrying his baby.
I planned on telling him at breakfast, but never got the chance. He distracted me the night before with his desire to fuck me on every surface of his apartment. Walker, always the attentive lover, never stopped touching or loving me with his body. He easily could make me forget my own name when I was around him. But that was all over and lost. What was to be my forever just slipped through my fingers and was gone.
A knock at the door snapped me out of my reminiscing and brought me back inside my messy closet.
“Mom, may I come in?” Riley asked for entrance. I wiped away my falling tears before answering the door. I looked in the mirror before answering her; my face was flushed and clearly she would notice. I composed myself and called out to her.
“Come in, honey.”
“Mom, can I borrow…what’s wrong? Have you been crying?” Her worried eyes found mine.
What could I say to Riley?
Yes, I’ve been crying over my old lover and still mourn the loss of my broken relationship?
“Everything is fine, honey. I’m crying because I am going to miss you so much when you move to New York.”
“Mom, I’m not leaving until August. We have the summer to have fun and spend lots of time together.”
“Thank you, Riley, but you can’t devote your entire summer to me because you’re going away for college. You have your friends, and this is your time to have fun. You’re only young once, so be carefree and happy.”
I gave my daughter the same advice my best friend Freddy gave to me when I met Walker. I wasn’t too sure about him after our awkward first encounter at the library. I pretended not to notice him, but I did.
How can I not?
He was breathtakingly good looking, and it was obvious he was interested. I remember going home that night and telling Freddy all about it. He urged me to go for it and take a chance on the handsome stranger. Our time together was short, but Walker changed my life.
Riley was waving her hands in front of me to get my attention. “Mom, where did you go just now?”
“Oh, I’m sorry, I was just thinking about Freddy Mac. I miss my friend.” It has been way too long since we have talked or even seen each other, but hopefully that will be changing soon.
“Freddy Mac? The same Freddy Mac who I’m wearing right now? Oh my god, mom! How do you know Freddy Mac? And why am I finding this out now?”
I had to hold my ears as my daughter shrieked on the top of her lungs. Oh lord, I really just opened my mouth and inserted foot. My past was in the past, and I was very discreet about it. I guess now that I had my slip of the tongue, I would tell Riley about him…the short version.
“Calm down, Riley. Yes, one and the same. Freddy was my friend from Atlanta many years ago. He moved to New York, and we kept in touch. When I decided to transfer to NYU, he offered me his spare room. We were incredibly close.”
“I can’t believe I am finding this out now. Tell me more, mom! What is he like? When was the last time you talked to him?”
“It’s been quite a while, Riley. I lost touch with Freddy after I left New York.” To say that to my daughter just saddened me even more. I didn’t just leave Walker, I left Freddy, Marsha, and my entire life I was trying to build.
“Wow, mom! Can you tell me more about him? I’m sure if you shared an apartment, then you must have some great stories about him?”
“Okay! You win. I will tell you something that he swore me to secrecy about, but you must never tell another soul what I’m about to tell you.” Squealing with delight and crossing her heart, Riley promised. I couldn’t help but smile at my daughter, but also talking about Freddy made me happy. “One night Freddy finally cracked under my powers of persuasion and revealed to me his real name.”
“What? Freddy Mac is not his real name?” Riley asked with curiosity.
“Not exactly, he had shortened it after arriving in New York. We had been playing poker, and if I won, then my prize would be the knowledge of knowing his full real name. I knew I wasn’t going to lose; my Granddaddy taught me well. When I revealed my hand to him, he almost fell over. I said, ‘Okay, Freddy, aces over eights, I win. Now tell me what the birth certificate says.’”
Laughing and smiling now, I remembered his exact words. “You really are a vixen, Reese,” he responded.
“Stop stalling and tell me,” I pressed him.
“Okay, but on our friendship you must promise never to tell anyone. When I become a famous designer, I only want to be known as Freddy Mac, not Frederick Xavier Mackelstein, originally from the Bronx, but moved to Atlanta for his father’s job. Can you imagine a New York Jewish boy living in the suburbs of Atlanta?”
“I never laughed so hard in all of my life. I knew we would be best friends forever after that.”
“If that’s true, mom, then why haven’t you kept in touch with each other?”
I wiped away a tear that fell.
God, how I missed my best friend!
“Another long story and one that we don’t have time for. Ask me again someday.”
More tears were falling now, and I let them. I didn’t want to give Riley the wrong idea about my friendship with Freddy. It had been years since we had spoken. I had to prepare myself that I may not get the happy reunion with Freddy that I was hoping for.
“That was a great story, and believe me I want to hear more. If only Freddy could see you now. You’re still hot, and any guy would be drooling all over himself after meeting you.”
“Riley Taylor Briggs, you’re incorrigible. ‘Hot’ would not be a phrase that I use to describe myself, but thank you anyway for the compliment.”
“Mom, you act as if you’re old. You barely just turned forty. Why do you think half my friends are guys?”
“I don’t even want to know that answer. Oh, I’m going to miss you, my daughter. You’re very good for my ego.”