Sebastian - Secrets (9 page)

Ruth looks up from her desk as I enter our offices.  She looks at my blotchy face and red-rimmed eyes and frowns.

“Beth, love, whatever’s happened?” She asks. 

“Come and sit down and I’ll make us a brew, you can tell me all about it.”

“Oh Ruth
, I’ve had the most amazing and the most terrible time” I whine.  “I had lunch with the man who owns the house I went to last weekend and Alan must have followed us!  He called me such dreadful names, Ruth and obviously thinks I’ve been having an affair.”

“
Blimey.  You mean the Lord?  What was he doing in Dorset?” she asks.

“Drove up just to see me.”

“Hell, Beth I could tell you liked him.  You’re playing with fire you know.  I warned you about something like this happening.” 

After a moment
of contemplation, she asks what I intend to do.  “I suggest you go home and talk to Alan before this ‘thing’ escalates.” 

“I know you’re right
, but it’s made me realise I definitely don’t want my life with Alan.   I still want more, I want to feel desired and sexy and not just a drudge – I want to be me but I’ve forgotten who me is!” I sob.

“I understand Beth, I really do
,” she replies.  “Look, I know it’s a cliché but the grass really isn’t greener on the other side.  Give it a month or two with the Lord and I guarantee he’ll be farting, snoring and boring the pants off you just like all men!  It’s all sex and candlelight for the first few weeks and then wham! bam! Thank you mam! And before you know it you’re washing his socks and wondering where the romance went.  Trust me!  We’ve talked about this before.” 

I look at Ruth
incredulously, and we both burst into a giggling fit, hysteria rising within me once again.  She has the most eloquent way of putting across her point and I do love her.

Ruth brings me a mug of tea
, and I go to my office and close the door.  There is so much to think about, but I’ll face Alan later, for now I need to check my emails and catch up on some work. 

I wake up my laptop and sign in to my Yahoo account.  Immediately I see an email from Alan’s best friend, Mike.  He was Best Man at our wedding and has known Alan since school days.

From: Mike Breeze

To: Beth Dove

Sent: Friday 16 November 2012 15:46

Subject: Alan

Hi Beth

I’ve had a call
from Alan and he’s in bits, love.  I’m not sure what’s going on with you but, honestly, I’ve not heard him so cut up before.  He’s asked me to talk some sense into you but you’re a big girl, just don’t hurt him.

Love Mike x

Mike has always taken Alan’s side but then he would, he’s his best friend. 

I decide not to answer his email, there being little point.  Instead I pick up my things and set off for home, I really cannot concentrate on work.  My head is full of hot kisses and angry husbands.

Alan’s car is parked on the drive, so I know he didn’t go back to work this afternoon. 

I let myself into the house and close the front door.  I see Alan sat at the kitchen table clasping a tumbler of whisky.  He’s been drinking, that’s not good.

“Alan, we need to talk.” I sit down at the kitchen table across from him rather than next to him, wanting to put space between us.  He looks at me over the top of his glass, which I note is nearly empty.  “I know it looked bad today, but there’s nothing going on,” I continue.

“
The kids are fine, nice of you to remember you have them.” He’s full of malice.  I reach across and pick up his whisky tumbler, draining the glass.  The amber liquid burns my throat, the alcohol fuelling my confidence.

“
Do you know what Beth?  What saddens me most is that if it’s not him it’ll be someone else.  I don’t make you happy and there’s naff all I can do about it.  I am who I am, and it’s never going to be enough for you.”  He looks me in the eye and adds, “I just don’t like the bloody deceit Beth.”

“You have to believe me Alan, it was just lunch.  I’ve got enough going on in my life without all this mess.  Let’s just get on with our lives as best we can for the kids ok?” 

He nods dejectedly and I can see that he’s weary, and drunk.  I’m surprised, however, to get off so lightly after this afternoon’s confrontation.  I’m relieved but deep down, I know that I want to see Sebastian again – the deep longing in the pit of my stomach is gnawing away at my insides.

I go to bed early and open a
book, and lose myself in the erotic fiction.  As I read, I become the heroine and Sebastian is the lead male.  It’s me bending over the bed, and it’s Sebastian who is pounding into me from behind.  As I read on, my hand moves down between my legs and my fingers probe my wetness.  I circle my sweetest bud with my finger with increasing urgency, and feel myself building, climbing to the release I need.

D
rifting into a restless sleep, I’m back in the house in Cornwall.  I’m running desperately from room to room and Sebastian is chasing me.  He’s dressed in black and is followed by the girl. They’re covered in cobwebs, and screaming for me to run to the cellar.  I wake up with a jolt, bathed in sweat.

6

It’s Saturday, and a beautiful crisp autumn day.  Despite the frostiness from Alan throughout the rest of the week, I am determined to make the weekend an enjoyable one for the children.  I have heard nothing further from Sebastian or from Simon.

Today, we have Alan’s parents, Dora and Brian, his sister Sarah and her husband Nathan, and their young twin sons coming to lunch, so I have lots to do in preparation.  It’s usually an enjoyable time when the family visits, with lots of laughter although Nathan is a drinker, and a little unpredictable. 

The roast lamb is ready and the family arrives, everyone is in good spirits and even Alan’s mood has lifted.  The twins are giggling as they jump on top of Joe, and Alan
and Nathan are having a chat in the study while Dora helps me in the kitchen.   Happy families, I muse. 

Lunch is delicious and the conversation, and wine, flows.  Sarah tells us that she and Nathan are celebrating their forthcoming wedding anniversary next week
, and Dora and Brian are babysitting so that they can have some ‘couple’ time. 

Alan suggests a very good hotel where they may like to have dinner, The Willows Hotel.  I shoot him a look, which says, “I hope you choke on your lamb
,” but he smirks back at me. 

It’
s apparent that he has already told Nathan about yesterday, as the two of them share knowing glances.  Sarah, ever the diplomat, changes the subject but the digs keep coming from Alan throughout the rest of the meal. 

It ruins the day
and, when the family departs at six, I am simmering with rage.

“You just couldn’t bloody help yourself could you?” I hiss at him while I wash up the dishes. 

“You humiliated me with all your sniping and made your family uncomfortable.  Did you see Dora’s face?” 

“It’s YOUR fault!
” he hisses.  “Don’t you blame me.  I’ve had just about enough of you.  Why don’t you bugger off with your Mr Range Rover, and leave me and my kids? You’re never here anyway, you’re always at work or up to God knows what…”

He’
s drunk again, and at this moment I hate him more than ever. 

             
I need some space and so I grab my bag, car keys and jacket and open the front door, unsure as to where I am going, but needing to be alone. 

Bella yells from the top of the stairs, “bloody nice one, mum.  Piss off!”  I turn to go to her, to tell her I am sorry that she heard her father and I arguing, but she is gone and I hear her door slam shut. 

Bereft, I leave the house.

I drive to the coast and park my car in the car park by West Way beach, it being a cold November evening the car park is nearly deserted.  I decide to call Ruth and take out my phone from my bag.  When I switch it on, I see there is a text message waiting for me.

Are you ok
? S

Seba
stian is so thoughtful, but he’s disregarding my request for space and yet seems so intuitive to my needs.  I forget about calling Ruth and instead text him back, well why not?

Things bad at home, thanks for caring X

His reply arrives almost immediately

I’m here if you need me

His message is brief, but the fact that he cares is comforting.  Feeling better, I decide to head home but I erase his messages first.

Alan’
s watching television when I return home, and he ignores me. The children are very quiet, I presume that Joe also heard us arguing in the kitchen and I feel bad about that, I really do.  Tomorrow will be a better day.  This evening I will spend time with the kids and then take myself to bed and lose myself in the final chapters of my book.  If only real life was like that book.

The week drags by incredibly slowly.  As usual I’m running the children around to school, activities, parents’ evening and of course working and each day seems more arduous than the previous one. 

I haven’t received any more messages from Sebastian despite constantly checking my p
hone.  Thursday comes and I’m wading through reams of paperwork on my desk when my mobile phone rings.  I don’t recognise the number as I answer.

“Beth Dove speaking” I say.

“Elizabeth, it’s Sebastian.  Can you talk?” 

My pulse races and I feel myself f
lushing, I didn’t expect his call.

“Sebastian, how nice of you to call
,” my voice sounds just a tiny bit too high pitched and desperate.

“Are you alright?” he asks.  So caring.

“Same old, same old,” I reply.  “My day just got a whole lot better with your call,” I add cheekily.

“Glad to hear it.  I’ve left you alone, as requested, but I’d like to see you.” Technically he hasn’t really left
me alone as it’s only been a few days since his text, but I’m flattered and relieved to hear his voice.

“I want you to come to stay at Penmorrow f
or a few days.  It’ll do you good.”  My stomach does a back flip as the enormity of what he’s asking hits me.  I would dearly love to go to Penmorrow and spend a few days in bed with Sebastian… I know that’s not actually what he said but it is my interpretation.

“Sebastian, that would be wonderful but I can’t.  I have the children, work, not to mention how Alan would freak out.” I am categorically saying no.  It’s the sensible thing to do.  “Although, I could ask Mum if she’d have the kids for a couple of days.  She knows how exhausted I am…” Oh my willpower is staggering.

“Good girl.  Can you make the weekend or is Monday easier?” my thoughtful Sebastian.

“Let me call Mum
, and text you back in a few minutes,” the last of my self control dissipates, “and, Sebastian, I’ve missed you.”  I am a lost cause.

“I’ve missed you too.  Call me back.” He cuts the call.

I call my mother.

“Mum, it’s Beth, I hate to do this to you, but you know how stressed I’ve been lately.  Things aren’t good at home and work is manic, I’d be so grateful if you could please have the kids for the weekend for me?
  I thought I’d go to a spa for a rest.”  I hold my breath, ashamed that I’m lying to my own mother.

“Beth darling
, is everything ok?” Intuitive mothers.

“Alan’s being the same as usual.  I wouldn’t ask you but I really do need this,” I tell her.

  “Yes I can have them, of course I will, but on the condition that you go to a really nice spa and have a complete rest.” 

A rest.  I’m not so sure that resting will be on our agenda.

“Oh Mum, thank you so much.  Yes, I plan to go to bed for two days and sleep.  I’ll drop the kids to you at 10am on Saturday.” 

We chat
for a few more minutes and then I end the call.  What am I doing?  I wasn’t being totally dishonest, I did indeed hope to spend two days in bed after all.

I text Sebastian
rather than call.

Mum said yes!  I will be with you Sat pm.  Can’t wait and thank you. X

My phone pings as a reply is received.

You’re texting – I said call
.  Plan on having fun.

He is so pedantic. 
Plan on having fun?  That sounds so deliciously naughty.

Friday passes slowly and I can’t wait for Saturday to come.  I’ve told Alan that Mother suggested I take a short break in a spa, which is almost true, so that I can recharge my batteries.  He actually agreed that this was a good idea but I can see that he doesn’t trust me.  However, he trusts my mother, and is satisfied that the children will be well looked after.  I tell him that I will go from the spa directly to work on Monday and will be home that evening.

Saturday morning arrives and I rise early, and dress in a warm chocolate colour sweater dress and boots.  I pack Bella and Joe’s overnight bags and a small suitcase for myself, hiding my new underwear at the bottom of the case along with my favourite perfume and various clothing.  I pack my swimsuit out of sudden panic as I am meant to be visiting a spa.