Savage Collision: A Hawke Family Novel (The Hawke Family Book 1) (37 page)

Terror flashes in her eyes and she shakes her head in my hands vigorously, mumbling about me not leaving her.

“Shh, baby, I’ll be right outside. I’ll be back in a minute. I promise.” She whimpers but relaxes slightly, finally letting me help her stand. She wobbles slightly and grabs the edge of the counter with her free hand to help steady herself. “I’ll be right back,” I reassure her. She nods and reluctantly releases her death grip on my hand.

I grab a t-shirt from my closet and return to her as quickly as I can.

The two minutes I’m away from her are agonizing for me. I can’t even imagine how they are for her.

She hasn’t moved. Her entire body is tense. She stands with her back to the shower, her eyes locked on some unknown spot on the tile floor.

I set the shirt on the counter and capture her hand, bringing it up to my mouth and pressing my lips to soft skin on the back. “Come on, let’s get you in the shower.”

Her gaze flickers over to mine and she nods in agreement.

The silence is deafening.

Danika is always alive with chatter, filling those voids with her bubbly personality, inappropriate comments, and witty retorts. Now, she’s just a shell of the woman I know and love.

Come back to me.

Moving agonizingly slowly, she removes her dress, her coat long since gone, as it carried the most evidence of Paul’s death. After pulling it off over her head, she lets it fall to the ground, then slowly removes her bra and panties, letting them fall without ever looking at me.

After months of not seeing her, to have her standing here, beautiful and naked in front of me, and to feel nothing but regret and fear, tears my soul apart. She’s broken, beautiful, but broken, and there isn’t anything I can do to make this easier for her. I would take all her pain if I could, wipe away the memories of everything she saw and experienced tonight. I would do anything for her.

Using the touchpad on the wall, I turn on the shower jets and usher her to the stall. Steam fogs the glass and the temperature in the room rises rapidly.

I urge her to enter the stream of hot water. She pauses before she steps in, turning to look at me. “You aren’t leaving, are you?” Her voice is faint and shaky, and I fear she’s on the verge of another meltdown if I refuse her plea.

She’s never seen me completely naked.

It was never a conscious decision, but now that I’ve spent so much time talking with Doc, I realize I’ve intentionally prevented her from seeing all of me. My fear of rejection was always overtaking the overwhelming desire I’ve always had for her touch me.

Right now, she needs me. That’s all that matters. My mental shit isn’t important.

“I’m right behind you.” She nods and releases my hand, stepping into the shower and moving under the hot spray.

I undress, dropping my clothes on top of Danika’s before I move onto the bench along the rear wall of the stall. She has her back to me, her face turned up into the water which cascades down over her shoulders. 

It should be sexual, but all I can picture is that vacant look in her eyes, the way her body shook against me as she sobbed.

She reaches down and grabs the shampoo bottle, pouring it into her hand and massaging it into her hair before turning around and dousing her long, blonde curls under the spray. The red-tinged water swirls down her body and into the drain.

Shit.

I cringe, again thankful she never looked in a mirror to see the horror coating her. I know she knows I’m here, even though she hasn’t acknowledged my presence verbally. Her shoulders relaxed the moment I entered. Knowing I might have helped relieve some of the distress, even a little, is at least something.

Her head drops and she opens her eyes, fixing them on mine. The vacant look is still there, but underneath it, I see a glimmer of my girl, giving me hope she will get through this.

Please, baby, let me help you.

She reaches down and grabs the bar of soap off the ledge, closing her eyes again as she runs it over her body, the suds rolling over her pink flesh and down the drain.

When she’s done, I reach up and turn on the spray above the bench seat, drowning myself in water that’s almost too hot. She steps toward me, placing her taut belly right in front of my face. I reach out, placing my hand on her hip and drawing her to me, my mouth finding the flat expanse of her stomach. “I love you, Danika.”

I don’t know if she hears me over the rushing water, and it doesn’t matter. I don’t need to hear her say it back.

Her fingers weave into my wet hair, nails scratching my scalp. She sobs, her body pressing against mine as she breaks down, collapsing onto her knees on the tile. I should have expected her to fall apart again, but seeing her like this, naked and vulnerable, throws me. It’s so different than the Dani I know.

She wraps her arms around my waist, pressing her face against my chest, her tears mixing with the water cascading around us. I hold her, burying my face in her wet hair. I hold her until our skin prunes and there’s so much steam in the room I can barely see two feet in front of me.

“Baby?” I gently pull her face away from my chest, cradling her in my hands. “Let’s go to bed.”

She nods and slowly gets to her feet, never looking away from me. Sliding the door open, she slips out around my chair and grabs two towels from the warming rack. She wraps one around her body, hands me one, and turns to the counter, wiping the steam from the mirror. I watch her out of the corner of my eye as I dry off. She stares at her image, unmoving, until I finally make it to her side, placing my hand on her arm.

Jerking slightly at my touch, she tenses before letting out a deep breath and closing her eyes. When she opens them again, she gives me what I think is supposed to be a smile. She takes her toothbrush from the holder and hands me mine. We finish getting ready for bed in silence. She pulls my t-shirt over her head and disappears into the bedroom.

I follow her into the room. The faint moonlight flowing in through the blinds and curtains falls over her form, which is already huddled under the covers in my bed.

Our bed. Or, at least, it will be.

I climb in and slide behind her, pulling her against me and wrapping her in my arms. She whimpers and pushes back against me, closing her hands over mine across her chest.

She can’t get close enough to me, and I completely understand the feeling. If I could find a way to stay like this forever, and never let her go, I would do it without a second thought.

The emotional and physical exhaustion of the day overwhelms me and I start to drift off. I snap my eyes open, not wanting to sleep if she needs or wants to talk, but I feel the steady rise and fall of her chest and know she’s sleeping. I let myself go, both relieved and thankful to finally have her here in my arms and terrified of what tomorrow will bring for us.

Paul’s brown eyes bore into mine, accusations in his stare…
I got him into this.
He’s right. I never should have pressed him. I did this. I brought this monster down on us.

The click of the trigger reverberates in my head and then side of Paul’s head explodes, blood splatters my face, and I scream…

“Shit, Danika! Wake up!”

Strong arms wrap around me, shaking me gently and my own scream echoes in the room. Hot tears pour down my cheeks. My chest is so tight, I can’t seem to get oxygen into my lungs.

“Baby, you’re okay. It was just a dream. You’re safe.”

Savage.

He pulls on my shoulder, forcing me onto my back as he hovers over me.

Even in the dim moonlight, I can see the fear and concern in his eyes. He searches my face, brushing the tears from my cheeks and kissing my forehead. “You’re okay, Danika.”

I shake my head, digging my fingers into his ribcage in frustration. “No, I’m not okay. He killed him, Savage. He killed him, because of me. He blew his goddamn head off.” A noise I don’t even recognize rips from my chest. Savage pulls me into his body, pressing his face into my neck.

His warm breath fans over my ear as he holds me through my meltdown. “No, Danika, it wasn’t your fault. Paul made his own choices. He knew what he was getting into when he agreed to help you.”

None of this would have happened if I hadn’t insisted he keep trying.  He was ready to walk away. If I hadn’t been so damn determined to break this story and advance my career, he would still be alive.

Why the hell did I go meet him alone? Why didn’t I insist on him coming to me, somewhere safe?

I close my eyes, but all I see is the side of his head exploding, blood, and the shock and fear in his eyes before he collapsed onto me. Unnatural sounds continue to emanate from somewhere deep inside of me, and Savage continues to murmur reassurances I know aren’t true.

“Everything is not okay!” I scream, pushing at his heavy body.

He doesn’t understand!

“You have no idea what it’s like to look in someone’s eyes as they die…. You can’t possibly understand…. Things will never be okay…”

He lets me push him away, rolling onto his back while maintaining his hand on my hip. I feel the tension in his body, and I realize I’m being a total bitch when all he is doing is trying to help, but if he tells me things will be okay one more time, I might punch him in the nuts.

I stare at the ceiling, watching the shadows cast by the moonlight. I can’t look at him, not now.

Savage jerks up, flicking on the lamp on his nightstand, momentarily blinding me. “What the hell?” I cover my eyes and roll onto my side, turning my back to him and the offending light.

“You’re wrong…” he says, his usually strong, sure voice breaking and quivering slightly, enough that I roll back to face him. I see him waging an internal struggle and my stomach knots, my fears over the last six weeks about the future of my relationship mingling with the intense emotions leftover from the night’s events.

“Wrong about what?”

He runs his hands back through his hair, rubbing the back of his neck and staring at the ceiling. The tension in his body sets my heart pounding and brings bile up my throat.

“I do know, what it’s like to watch someone die.”

My heart stutters in my chest and my mind races trying to process what he said. “What…what do you mean?”

Sighing, he drops down onto his back and turns his head to face me. “I was going to tell you tonight…. It was one of the things I needed to explain to you.”

Sliding closer to him, I press my hand on his chest and his heart races under my palm. “Savage, what are you trying to tell me?”

He closes his eyes briefly and when he reopens them, they shimmer with unshed tears. “I know I told you I would never lie to you, that I was an open book, but, I did…I lied to you, I lied to everyone, about the accident.”

The accident?

We haven’t discussed the accident since the first night he told me the story. It isn’t exactly something I would bring up, and he doesn’t like talking about it, for obvious reasons. But, I remember every single detail he told me that night.

“What do you mean?”

“Shit…” He grinds his palms into his eyes before returning his gaze to me. “I didn’t tell anyone the truth. I thought I was protecting them, making it easier.”

“Savage, I don’t understand…”

He slips his arm around my back and rubs his hand down my spine and I shiver at his touch. “I know. I’m sorry. This is just…fuck…a lot harder than I thought it would be. It was so much easier to tell Dr. Cochran.”

“Who’s Dr. Cochran?”

“My shrink.”

I hope my face doesn’t show my shock at finding out Savage has been seeing a shrink. He never seemed the type to lay on a couch and vent. He’s always so strong, and sure…I can’t imagine how hard it must be for him to open up to a total stranger and show any vulnerability.

“You’re seeing a psychiatrist?”

He nods, the corner of his mouth turning up slightly. “I know, hard to believe, isn’t it?”

I return his half-smile. “Kinda. So, tell me about the accident. What do you need to come clean about?”

He takes a deep breath, letting it out in a rush. “I told everyone I was unconscious almost immediately, and don’t remember anything about the accident. But, that’s not true. I was awake, very much awake, until just after the rescue personnel finally got me out of the car.”