Rule of Three (21 page)

“Chris won’t tell me what happened,” she said without any preamble. “So I came to find out from you.”

“What makes you think I’ll tell you?”

“You will.”

His mouth tightened. “If Chris doesn’t want you to know, then I’m not going to tell you.”

“Yes, you are.”

He gave a bark of laughter and rubbed his hand over his forehead. “Kassidy. Go back to your boyfriend. This was all a fucking big mistake. Let’s just let it go before things get worse.”

“How can things get any worse?” Her heart ached and she took a step toward him. “You and Chris are both dying. And…so am I. I care about you, Dag. About both of you.”

It was daring, saying that. She hadn’t told him she loved him, but he had to know she cared, that’s why she was there. Something flickered in his eyes.

“I just want to understand,” she whispered. She clasped her hands in front of her. “Please. Maybe it was a mistake. Maybe we can never go back…but I want to understand. I need to.”

“Shit.”

She sank into a chair because her legs went wobbly as if all the strength had drained out of them through her feet.

“I know Chris doesn’t always want to talk about things,” she continued. “But you’ve always talked to me.”

He shook his head and sat on the edge of the king-size bed. “Kassidy.” His somber eyes regarded her steadily. “I can talk to you about my own shit. But I can’t tell you what’s going on in Chris’s head.” He rubbed the back of his skull. “Hell,
I
don’t know what’s going on in Chris’s head.”

“I don’t think Chris knows what’s going on in Chris’s head,” she muttered.

Dag snorted. “Yeah.” He sighed. “I fucked up. Big time. You know it.”

She pressed her trembling lips together. “If you knew that, why did you do it?” She held up a hand. “Sorry. That sounded accusing. I didn’t mean it to. I just want to know.”

He gave a short nod, dropped his head and looked at the floor, his hands between his knees. She wanted to rush over and sit beside him, throw her arms around him. She tightened her leg muscles to keep her in the chair, gripped her fingers together.

Then he raised his head, and agony and longing blazed in his dark eyes. “I love Chris,” he said simply. “I’ve loved him forever.”

She stared back at him, breathing in tiny shallow breaths. “You mean…”

He nodded again but held her gaze. “Does that disgust you?”

“No. Of course not.” Disgust was nowhere on her emotional radar at that moment. “I just… Are you gay?”

He shrugged. “I guess you’d say I’m bi. I’ve always been attracted to both men and women. Chris is the only guy I’ve ever had feelings like that for, though.”

“He told me you were a man whore. That you slept your way through college. With girls.”

Dag choked on a laugh. “Yeah. That’d be true. I like sex, lots of sex, what can I say? And I wasn’t going to get any from Chris. He made that pretty damn clear.”

Her face scrunched up. “You told him…?”

“No. Christ, no. I just knew from conversations we had he was in no way open to that. And I mean,
in no way
.”

She nodded.

“It hurt,” Dag added, voice low and taut. “Hurt like hell. But I valued his friendship. Hell, he accepted me for who I was, busted-up family and poor-as-dirt, complete misfit. Not many people have ever done that.”

Her head was whirling with this information that shouldn’t have stunned her like it did. She’d just had no idea. But thinking back to the last few weeks, she felt as though she had known. With some kind of deep-down instinctive knowledge, it made sense to her.

But she was still confused. “Did you tell him
–
last night? Or this morning?” He’d been gone when she woke up so she didn’t know when the big showdown had occurred. “Is that why he made you leave?”

Dag’s mouth curled. “Why do you think he made me leave?”

Her mouth fell open. “Well… Oh shit. I don’t know. I assumed…”

“Chris doesn’t make me do anything. But no. I didn’t tell him that. He freaked out about what happened and told me to get out. I knew I had to leave.”

Her eyes prickled. Her heart cracked and ached. “Oh Dag.” The words came out in a rough whisper. “I’m so sorry.”

“I’m going back to San Francisco, Kassidy.”

Her bottom lip trembled and her heart stuttered. “When?”

“I booked a flight for Tuesday morning. I have a few business things to deal with tomorrow, the rest I’ll have to handle from there.”

“Oh.” She sucked on her bottom lip and looked down at her hands, a little blurry through her tears. How could he leave? What would they do without him? She felt as if someone were wrenching her heart out of her chest.

“I know I fucked up,” Dag said. “I shouldn’t have done what I did. It was just so hard…not to. Ya know? We’d all gotten really close and it…just happened.” He scrubbed a hand over his face and his eyes looked kind of red too.

She met his eyes. “But…the weird thing is—he liked it. I know he did.”

Dag was silent.

“He wouldn’t admit it to me,” she added. She laid her hands on her knees, bare beneath the hem of her skirt, and curled her fingers around them, her heart slowly splintering into painful shards. “He’s so damn stubborn. I-I accused him of having feelings for you. And that was before I even knew…”

His eyes shot wide open. “What the hell? You said what? Why?”

One corner of her mouth lifted and she hitched a shoulder. “Call it woman’s intuition. Little things. I should have figured things out a long time ago.”

“No. Whatever.” He closed his eyes briefly. “Jesus.” His eyes opened. “That’s not right, Kass. I know he doesn’t feel that way. He never has and he never will. In my screwed-up way, I wanted to be close to him, but as usual, I made a mess of things. Don’t tell Chris this. Please? I’m just going to get the hell out of town again, and leave you two to live your lives.”

“Why did you come back?” she asked. “Why?”

He hitched one shoulder. “I just wanted to see him again. I guess I had some kind of crazy hope that maybe…” His voice trailed off. “It was stupid.”

He’d wanted to see Chris again. He’d hoped they could be together.

And then a question hit her, like a smack in the face. Had he been using her to get closer to Chris?

Oh god. She’d thought he cared about her. She cared about him. Stupid, stupid, stupid. The pain clamped down on her, crushing her, a knife turning slowly inside her. She felt like she might throw up. She stood. Her legs wobbled as she walked across the hotel room, not looking at Dag. She couldn’t look at him. In fact she could barely see, other than a small round window in front of her, everything else faded to black. She fumbled at the hotel door.

“Kassidy.” Dag spoke behind her, his voice ragged. She paused, bent her head, looked at the door knob. A harsh sob swelled inside her and she tightened her stomach muscles to keep it from bursting out, breathed in through her nose. She yanked the door open and walked out, down the hall and out of Dag’s life.

Chapter Eighteen

She couldn’t go home. Chris was there. She couldn’t go to her parents. There was only one place she could go.

Hailey opened the door of her small apartment and the surprise on her face quickly morphed into concern. “Hey,” she said, eyebrows pulled together. “Are you okay?”

Kassidy shook her head. She walked in, collapsed onto a chair and buried her face in her hands.

“Kassidy.”

She felt the warmth of Hailey’s hand as she touched her back. They weren’t the kind of sisters who hugged and touched each other. Hell, they barely talked to each other sometimes. But the gesture comforted her in some small, weird way.

“I’m okay,” she finally said, lifting her head. She dragged her palms over wet cheeks, pushed her hair off her face. “I think.”

“What the hell happened?” Hailey took a seat on her couch, her knees almost touching Kassidy’s at a right angle. Hailey’s legs were bare beneath the frayed edge of a pair of jean cut-offs. “It’s not Mom, is it?”

“No.” She squeezed the word out of a tight throat. “Not Mom.”

She leaned back and rested her head against the back of the chair, closed her eyes. Pain throbbed inside her, along with a swirl of confusion. “It’s a long story.”

“I’m sure it is.” But Hailey’s voice held none of her usual mocking tone. “Did you come here to tell me? Or just to…come here?”

“I don’t know. I just know I can’t go home.”

Hailey frowned. “You and Chris? Did you have a fight?”

“Sort of. My life is so messed up, Hailey.” She pressed the heels of her hands to her aching eyes. “I don’t know what’s going on and I don’t know what to do.”

Silence blanketed the room, but that was okay. Hailey probably didn’t know what to say and wisely didn’t say anything.

Finally Hailey did speak. “I know you probably don’t want advice from me, and that’s okay. I’m not exactly the best person to give advice anyway. But if you just want to talk…sometimes that helps.”

“Yeah.” Kassidy moved her head, eyes still closed. “Yeah. Okay.”

She told Hailey about her and Chris and Dag. Hailey listened and didn’t say much, and Kassidy appreciated that. She did not want someone judging her or telling her what a stupid idiot she’d been—because she already knew that.

“So Dag’s in love with Chris,” Hailey repeated slowly. “And Chris has no idea?”

“Nope. Never has. And Dag doesn’t want him to know.”

“Well. That sucks for Dag.” She eyed Kassidy curiously. “So why are you so upset?”

That was the big question, wasn’t it? Kassidy drew her shredded dignity around her as best she could, tried to gather up her running-wild thoughts. “I think I…sort of fell in love with Dag.”

Hailey’s mouth opened. Closed. She blinked.

“Not like you think,” Kassidy added. “I still love Chris. I think…oh god, this is crazy. I think I love both of them.”

Hailey blinked again. “Oh.”

Kassidy licked her lips, looked at her hands, her fingers twisting together. “But it hurts. I thought Dag cared about me too, and it hurts to think he was just using to me to get to Chris.”

“Ah.”

Kassidy lifted her head. Once again, Hailey had a holy-fucking-shit look on her face, though she said only that one word.

“And I’m terrified. Because I think Chris might have feelings for Dag. He won’t admit it. He’s such a stubborn ass.”

“What makes you think that?” Hailey’s words were a bare whisper, her eyes wide.

Kassidy couldn’t tell her what had happened last night. It was too personal. Too secret. Chris would kill her if Hailey knew about that. “I just…have a feeling. Some things…that happened.” She shrugged.

“I can’t believe that, Kassidy. Really. Chris loves you. He’s crazy about you. It’s so obvious, always has been.” Hailey gave a short laugh. “It’s enough to make me jealous.”

Jealous? Kassidy peered at her sister through gritty, swollen eyes. Hailey jealous of her? Yeah right.

“That’s not to say he doesn’t care about Dag. But…”

“Would a guy let another guy suck his dick if he wasn’t into that?”

Hailey didn’t even flinch. She met Kassidy’s gaze steadily. “I’ve met people who are…just…attracted to other people. It doesn’t matter if they’re male or female. It’s just some kind of chemistry or attraction.”

Kassidy nodded. Was that Dag? Mind-bogglingly, she was grateful for Hailey’s experience and her acceptance of the question for what it was. Jesus, her world had turned upside down and inside out.

Then, her body trembling, her stomach in knots, she spoke aloud the words that scared her the most, the ones she had to drag from way down deep inside, hoping that saying them aloud would take the fear out of them. “If Chris cares about Dag…and Dag cares about him…where does that leave me?”

“Oh Kassie.” Hailey swallowed. “You’re fine. I told you Chris loves you. Go home to him. Talk to him. Dag’s leaving and you two will be fine.”

“Can I just let Dag leave? Can I just let that happen, knowing they might…never see each other again? That they might…”

Hailey’s face flickered with emotions. “Are you asking for my advice?”

“No. I don’t know. I don’t know what to do! How can I live with myself if I never tell Chris the truth…about how Dag feels for him? What if that makes a difference? I’m so afraid! What if he really wants to be with Dag? Can I spend the rest of my life wondering that, keeping that secret inside me?”

Hailey bit her lip.

“But if I tell him, what if he decides he’d rather be with Dag than with me?”

“He wouldn’t do that.” Hailey leaned forward. “Chris loves you, Kass. You know that.”

Kassidy nodded, twisting her fingers together so tightly they hurt. Her eyes stung with more tears. “I just don’t want to lose him! But…maybe I already have.” The agony inside her burst out then in harsh, painful sobs and she bent over the arm of the chair, crying in breath-stealing, gut-wrenching gusts.

Why had they done this crazy ménage thing? How could they have blindly thought they could just all have sex together without any of this happening? They must have been out of their minds. The enormity of it rose up inside her, terrible, unbearable, painful.

They’d messed up their lives so thoroughly Kassidy couldn’t see at that point how this was ever going to be okay. And maybe that’s what she deserved.

“I’m sorry,” she gasped long moments later. Hailey handed her tissues. “Thanks.”

“It’s okay. I’m sorry too. I wish I could do more to help.”

She shook her head, mopping up. Her face felt hot and tight, eyes burning. “I got myself into this. But thanks.”

Stunningly, Hailey reached out and took her hand. “Kassidy. I…” She looked at Kassidy and nibbled her bottom lip again, her eyes dark with anxiety. “I…know we haven’t been close. It’s hard to be your sister.”

Kassidy’s eyes flew wide. What?

“You’re so goddamn perfect,” Hailey continued in a low voice. “I couldn’t ever be as good as you. So I didn’t even try. I just tried to be bad. But I want you to know I never would wish this on you. Truly. Your perfect life, your perfect job, your perfect boyfriend. I envied you. Even when I discovered you having a hot threesome with two gorgeous guys, I was envious. But I never… I hate seeing you like this. I really do.”