It took Thomas less than a half hour to get to my door from the city. There must have been no traffic on the roads as everyone was surely with their loved ones still enjoying the day or he drove really fast. When I opened the door to him, I was overtaken by his compassion. He opened his arms and I fell into them. I invited him in even though I had turned him down earlier this week to spend this day with him. I offered him a glass of wine and led him by his hand to sit fireside with me. I did offer him some of my dinner that was untouched and he made me feel proud that he actually said he wanted another complete dinner, so we dined late in the night together. Our conversation during our meal turned to my writing for the band.
Thomas asked, “I have to ask but you don’t have to tell me, but what are you to Rand? And before you answer me, I can see he hurt you today not showing up. I don’t think he will be able to be there for you for a lot of special days in the long run.”
I felt his words deep in my belly. His words and the wine I was consuming had my head swirling about too. I didn’t want to tell Thomas the feelings I had for Rand. Sometimes, I felt like I was infatuated with this singer, but I knew it was so much more. The last person I wanted to share any of these feelings with was my ex-husband.
“Thomas, Rand and I are friends. I was just looking forward to spending time catching up with him and his uncle since I haven’t seen them in a long time.” I gave Thomas that shake off attitude like it was nothing. I just didn’t want to go into the whole story with Thomas. Although Thomas and I had become friends he didn’t need to know my true feelings for another. Thomas gathered up his plate and took mine from me and bent down and kissed my head and thanked me for dinner as he carried the dishes into my kitchen. It was a nice sight to see him taking care of me. I joined him in the kitchen and put the coffee on and offered up some pumpkin pie to him. I didn’t have to sell him on it saying it was homemade, as he knew I made pumpkin pie and he loved it.
It was uncanny and comfortable as we both made way to getting the dessert plates out and forks and making the coffee knowing how each other took theirs. This was a relaxed, familiar feeling. I felt calm and at ease with him here, although I longed for Rand and his touch. I doubted now with all the interruptions that kept occurring that Rand and I would ever progress as more than what we were.
Finishing up our desserts, I smiled at Thomas and he licked his lips with satisfaction. I saw something more in his gesture. I walked over to him and took his hand to my cheek and held it there and thanked him for being with me tonight and the past few months since my father’s passing. I was reflecting on my past with him looking into the flames of the fire that danced behind him in the fireplace hearth. I leaned into him and took his mouth into mine. I kissed Thomas hard and strong. I didn’t stop. I pressed his lips until he took mine back and as we opened and accepted each other’s tongues that tasted of coffee and pumpkin, it was so sweet. We traveled toward the sofa and curled up next to one another and kissed for a very long time. My phone sounded and I broke the moment abruptly – It was from Rand
Madison, I really tried to see you today, sorry we could not get together. Do know that I’m thinking about you.
After reading this, the moment with Thomas was broken. I knew it was wrong of me to ever have started to sway to that direction. I was so confused, I had this need and craving for Rand that I could not shake although so many times it has gone nowhere and then I have the safety net of Thomas always there always ready to reach for me and catch me and hold me. I didn’t know where my heart was heading. I told Thomas that I was so glad he came again to my rescue but I was tired and wanted to call it a night. He, like a gentleman, did not press me for anything more, and as I walked him to my door, he gently kissed me goodnight. I kissed him back actually wondering if I should explore romance with Thomas again. I shut the front door and rested against the back of it. Lost in my thoughts I went to answer Rand’s message. I was going to take the high road and not let him know it broke me up earlier and wasn’t going to tell him Thomas came to save me on this holiday.
Rand, I understand things happen. I hope Maxwell’s feeling better. I have plenty of leftovers if you’re around the next few days. I wish we could have been together, goodnight.
Rand sent back –
Tomorrow’s open how about you? I love cold turkey sandwiches and cold slices of stuffing. You better have saved me pie. Can you come by the rehearsal studio? I’ll be there all day. There’s so much to put in order from our California trip. Also Maxwell wants to stop to see me about doing a local concert next week in Philly.
Round two, here I go again, his pull is too much for me, I want to not be so reeled in by him and yet I jump at his words he sends.
Rand, I can come by in the afternoon, we’ll do a post turkey day lunch.
His response seemed apologetic –
I’ll be here and I am looking forward to seeing you and holding you…near me.
That did it for me, just the thought of him holding me once more I weakened. I would actually prefer to not have another around us but then again I was too uncertain about being with him alone, I guess something was imbedded in my head telling me that Rand could possibly break my heart, just at Thomas suggested. But I had missed him and was looking forward to it being tomorrow already. As my head hit my pillow, not knowing where my life was heading again, I was feeling torn in my relationships. I drifted to endearing thoughts of Thomas and then to sexual thoughts of Rand and I; wet, hot sexual thoughts where I slept well, very well.
What a crazy afternoon and wow, traffic to all the malls was horrible as I drove and drove and tried to take back roads instead of the main ones to avoid the crazy shoppers on this unspoken holiday. So many women venture out all day to shop their hearts out for bargains for the kick off to the Christmas season. My arrival to the barn was filled with excitement as I did not see any other vehicles there except Rand’s Hummer. Checking myself in my car mirror once more before heading in to see him I adjusted my scarf around my neck. I had chosen to wear one this morning thinking about how he tied my wrists together the last time I wore one. Before I could get the handle, my door opened and it was like a vision, the sun glowed behind this truly awesome looking man. I was mesmerized by the way his hair hung messy and his blue eyes penetrated right through me.
“Madison, let me help you.” He spoke as he started to gather my bags of food in one of his strong hands. It looked like I was a food delivery person with an order he had placed. But before we even got past my car, he took hold of me with his empty hand and tilted my face up. He was smiling so blissfully right before he stole a kiss from my longing lips.
Without ever even getting out a hello to him we had placed the food carriers down and took over each other’s bodies, hands roaming everywhere. He licked at my lips, but obviously wanted more. We held onto each other so tightly that I could feel his heart beat even through his jacket. I could not believe I was here with him, this striking looking man of such physical perfection. I wanted to eat him up. I had such a desire to take his clothing off slowly, one piece at a time. I felt his tongue so deep into my mouth and my lips pressed against his not wanting to release. We could have stayed like this, but he broke apart from my lips and tossed his head back shaking his hair and said in a low tone, “I wanted this so bad and here you are. I have missed you.” My eyes started to tear in the corner as I leaned down and picked up the food bags.
“I missed you too, I missed not spending yesterday with you” I spoke but began to choke up and didn’t want him to see me cry. I was so afraid to scare him off and have him slip away.
“Did you really?” The way he asked made his doubt clear. I was wondering why I felt that way. I had so missed him yesterday, if he had only known how I longed for him.
We had laid out the food picnic style on the floor on a woven blanket in the rehearsal studio near
The Wall
. I took several of the pillows from the couches to the floor. Rand said all their music equipment was coming back here today and tomorrow from their trip and he had some business to handle with Maxwell. But just sitting with him now and enjoying his company, seeing his body in front of me was enough.
He caught me up on most of the West Coast trip. He told me funny stories about each of the band members’ crazy behavior. I took a few notes on a nearby notepad as he spoke wanting to capture some of the visuals of the band that he described. He told me about the place they stayed at in California that it was awesome and they had a great panoramic view of the ocean. Each morning he would rise, look at the view and think about me all the way here on the other side of the country. I smiled and my belly fluttered as he spoke and I found myself studying his features with every breath he released.
As he got up to go grab us a beer, I watched his back and just past him I caught a glimpse of something on
The Wall
. It was a new addition on Rand’s corner, there were many new photos of him with female fans from the California shows, each one had written across it the city…but then there was a large photo of one woman in particular. A fan looking bright eyed at Rand from the very front row, she was staring at him, so consumed in her thoughts, so reined in, and lost in thought. It was a photo taken without the person knowing it and so it captured her raw and real and you could draw a dotted line exactly from her lips to Rand’s eyes on stage. There was no missing the smile on his singing face and the endearing look from hers. It was a picture of me. I don’t ever remember it being taken. How could I as it looked like I was in a trance, focusing on the stage? It had been taken on the very first night that I went to see them play in Philly.
“You look beautiful in that photo,” Rand said returning with his drink. “I wonder when I look at it what you were thinking at that moment.”
“Rand, I think maybe I was hoping this singer takes me on to write about him, and I am sure I was thinking about how that would be. Look at us now, who would have thought we would be like this…” I stopped speaking as I didn’t know what to call us. There was an undeniable passion but what else did we give to one another.
“Yeah look at us, hungry for food and one another,” he said as he sat down next to me and started to feed me.
After we ate the Thanksgiving leftovers, we settled in each other’s arms on the sofa for long nap as the turkey surely tired us out. Or was that just a myth? He was on the sofa and I was lying between his legs with my chest resting just across his stomach. I could feel my body rise and fall with his every breath. He played with my hair, twisting the strands and tugging softly at them and then he began to stroke the lightest touches across my throat with the pad of his thumb. He undid my scarf and slid it away from my neck exposing my skin further to his touch. Like an artist with a delicate paintbrush going over and over an area of the canvas, he continued to work his fingers sensually until he reached the edge of my sweater.
He slid his thumb down over my nipples going back and forth under my lace bra, over and over in an up and down motion. Rand releases an intense moan and it feels like he is playing air guitar across my nipples hardening under his touch. Without even moving I could feel his chest move as he sighed, and I could feel him hardening against my hip. Rand splayed his fingers out across my stomach. His hand pressed harder to my belly as it stimulated my every nerve ending. He passed his hand down over my music note charm and circled my belly button with his thumb, and then he lowered his hand into my jeans and pressed hard to my abdomen.
I moved with his rhythm, still lying on him but letting him continue to travel down my body, enjoying all this pleasure from the ride. His hand was now the lowest it had ever been on my body and I felt like I was going to explode just at the thought of him touching me. I wiggled turning onto my side, trying to encourage him to continue. I wanted to feel his fingers deeper. I was unbuttoning the fly of his jeans and slowly taking my hand to him to pleasure him as well. The door to the rehearsal studio flew open and we looked down to see a smiling and well feeling Maxwell.
I caught myself first wanting to scream as Rand was on the verge of taking my body further, and that again, we were interrupted. I hated that our timing was off and that we never completed what we started. I sat up fixing myself. I just wanted Rand to take me and finish touching me and release all this pent up lust I was carrying. I was frustrated to have this moment end. But then I was happy to see Maxwell, just wish it was an hour later. I shouted down an invite to him to come up and join us saying how much food I brought up here and made him feel comfortable as I told him I knew he would be joining us. Up in the loft area near
The Wall,
Maxwell was unable to see what moment in the making he had just cut short. We both sat up and held each other, arms and legs entwined as Maxwell climbed the stairs to us.
I enjoyed the rest of the afternoon with Maxwell and Rand. I had fed these two fine men and they enjoyed it. As much as I wanted their company, especially Rand’s, I could tell that they had some work to get to. I didn’t want to hold them up so I told Rand I would see him soon. He walked me to my car.
He said, “I hope, soon we will be alone together.” There was a moment of hesitation in his voice and I was uncertain what brought that on. I had hoped his words would come true. I only wished it was today and that I could feel him touching me again, finishing what we started. I pulled at his shirt collar to tip him toward my face and kissed his nose and then had to kiss his lips again and again.
As I drove away, I glanced in the rearview mirror and saw him returning to the studio. I watched every step of his walk until he wasn’t visible anymore, and then what I did see was my neck. It was red from his kisses and exposed as I had left my scarf on the sofa. I wasn’t cold though as a different kind of warmth tingled through my body like that of a furnace igniting. My heart burned and pumped and I knew this heat I felt was entirely caused by the memories of what was interrupted on that couch.