Re/Paired (Doms of the FBI Book 2) (17 page)

“Three more, Kitty Kat.”

The sound of his palm meeting her flesh echoed from the room’s high ceilings. A sob escaped on the ninth one. He centered the tenth over her glistening pussy, and she cried out, a high-pitched protest.

Carefully he turned her around to cradle her in his lap. He grabbed a soft throw she kept on the back of the sofa and draped it over her body. Tears wet her eyes, but none had fallen. He pushed her head down to rest on his shoulder.

“Never worry me like that again.”

Keith held her in the solid cocoon of his arms. Every now and again, he turned her face up and kissed her temples and cheeks. Though she’d honestly thought he would enjoy punishing her, she didn’t get the sense that he had. He’d punished her because he needed to, not because he wanted to, exactly the opposite of what had happened in the bathroom that morning.

She drew her finger up his sternum and along his collarbone, exploring solid evidence of his innate strength. “Keith?”

“Hmmm?”

“We need to talk.”

He was silent for a long while, and then he heaved a sigh. “I know.”

“I think I have more of an idea about what I want out of this.” She didn’t mean to sound so solemn, but that was how it came out, in a breakup tone. Beneath her, she felt his whole body tense.

“Fewer spankings?” He grinned, a valiant attempt to lighten the somber atmosphere that had descended over the room.

Planting both hands against his chest, she pushed away until she sat up on his lap. After a second, she rethought that move. Her ass burned pleasantly when nothing touched it. He’d held her so that her thigh and hip bore most of her weight. Now that she was sitting on it, she realized exactly how thoroughly he’d spanked her. She probably wouldn’t be sitting comfortably for a few hours.

Aside from the physical aftereffects, a well of peace had formed inside. She basked in the discovery of something so significant. How had she not known this capacity was hidden away? “Not necessarily, no.”

He shifted, and she cringed at his trepidation. Maybe he knew they needed to talk, but he wasn’t overly comfortable doing it. He’d released her when she sat up. Now he splayed one hand over her lower back. She felt his heat through the blanket still covering her body. It gaped open in the front.

To Keith’s credit, he kept his gaze on her face, not once letting it stray to catch glimpses of her breasts. “Are you upset because I changed the rules?”

She shook her head. Honestly, kneeling and apologizing seemed like an okay punishment for minor infractions, but they turned a larger issue into a joke. “I know I wasn’t supposed to enjoy the spanking, but I didn’t not enjoy it. If that makes sense.”

The skin of her ass radiated heat, but the abused muscle there seemed to communicate to her clit that something wonderful was about to happen. She was slippery with her own juices.

He slid a hand under the blanket and rested it on her bare thigh. Some of the tension drained from his shoulders. “It makes sense. You’ll probably enjoy an erotic spanking very much.”

Silently, she agreed. But that wasn’t what she wanted to talk about. “Keith, did you deliberately do things to me you knew I wouldn’t like because you don’t want to do this? I don’t want you to train me if that’s not what you want.” It was slightly better than outright telling him that she wanted him to want her. Desperation wasn’t a fragrance she liked.

He exhaled a ragged breath and leaned his head back against the top of the couch. “No. Truthfully, I’ve been nicer to you than I have been to any of my subs. I’ve never held one before, not for comfort or closeness. As restraint, yes.” His leg moved under her knee, wiggling from side to side in a physical display of his discomfort with the topic. “I’m not a cuddler. Sometimes I handcuff them to the bed so I don’t have to worry that they’ll try to touch me while I sleep. Mostly I don’t let them sleep in the same room with me.”

A hint of ruddiness colored his cheeks, and she knew he’d never revealed that piece of information to anyone before. The night before, he’d curled his body around hers. Right now, he wasn’t holding her close, but he still touched her in an intimate way that provided a sense of comfort and closeness.

“Why?” Normally she didn’t want to hear about a man’s exes. With Keith, it was different. When he ended a relationship, those women never popped back up in his life again.

“Kat.” Her name was his plea for leniency. He didn’t want to delve into a painful subject. “Why don’t you just tell me what you’ve realized about the things you want or don’t want from me? So far, I have a list of your hard limits that includes no clothespins on your breasts and no ejaculating on your face.”

Mention of the second limit made her flinch, but she couldn’t let him derail the conversation. He might be the Dom in the relationship, but that didn’t mean he got to control the discussion. She had too much experience keeping people on track to fall prey to his authoritative suggestion.

“Keith, it’s important for me to know why you’re treating me differently. I have to know you’re not doing this to humor me.” She felt the pull of his body like a magnet, urging her to sink back against him and let him do or say whatever he wanted. The impulse wasn’t easy to resist, but she did it.

As he had the night before, he took her hand and placed it over the bulge in his cargo shorts. “I told you that I’m not doing this to humor you. I’m doing this mostly for selfish reasons. I know this is only training. It’s temporary. But I’ve wanted you on your knees for a long, long time.”

The vehement, almost bitter confession startled her. While she didn’t lift her hand from his hard cock, she nearly toppled from the surprise. She braced her hand against the back of the sofa to provide the needed support. “You’re an opportunist.”

She meant it to lighten his mood, which had gone decidedly dark. But he used the opening to take things to an even darker place. “Yes. I am. I use women, Kat. I’ve never had feelings for a single one of my subs. I pretended to care, but I truly didn’t give a shit about any of them. Some saw through my act and left, but most tried to change me. Those women, I dumped, and I wasn’t nice about it either. I can’t change. I’m warning you now. I’ve been this way for too long.”

He’d lost her. She drew her eyebrows together as she tried to fit his skewed perception of himself with how she saw him. Finally, she shook her head. It didn’t work to jumble the pieces into clarity. “What way?”

In one easy, fluid motion, he lifted her from his lap and set her on the sofa as far away as he could get her. She leaned against the back and the arm, facing him, and pulled her blanket closed around her to replace the security she’d lost along with his embrace. The sensations in her ass were muted now that her attention was firmly elsewhere.

He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees and his chin on his clenched fists. “I held you last night because that’s what you should expect from your Master after a scene. You should expect to be pampered and cherished. You should expect affection and praise. It was the first time I’ve ever attempted something like that. I had to talk myself into it, and I had to force myself to follow through. You deserve that much consideration, Kat. You have the right to expect those things.”

His confession hit her like a slap in the face. She flinched, but he wasn’t looking at her, and he plowed forward.

“I’ve never spanked a sub for disobeying me. If they piss me off, I just get rid of them. They weren’t worth it to me. I didn’t care enough to punish them. But you…” He clenched his fists and laughed ruefully. “You’re different. I’ve never topped anyone who knew me as anything but a Dom. This is new territory for me. You may not have liked some of the things I did or the way I’ve treated you, but let me tell you, it’s a damn sight better than the way I’ve treated women since I figured out what use they were to me.”

Malcolm had told her repeatedly over the years that Keith had a very utilitarian view of women. The full weight of that truth was just beginning to dawn on Katrina. She put a hand on his shoulder, an attempt to comfort him, but he slipped out of her grasp, standing to escape her touch. That stung a lot more than a slap on her ass.

He paced away to stand across the room. Looking out the window with a clear line to the parking lot, he clasped his hands behind his back. “I’m trying to do right by you.”

She didn’t want him to do right by her. She wanted him to want to be with her, which he did, but not in the ways she expected. Visions of the ways in which he’d pampered his girlfriends floated through her memory. Her mind played memories of him bringing various women a plate of food at a cookout, or a glass of water, or a jacket when it grew cold. For the first time, she saw the interactions through a new lens.

First, he hadn’t let them talk very much. Katrina had thought perhaps he liked shy women, which knocked her out of the running, because she wasn’t timid. Now she understood it wasn’t shyness. They’d been prohibited from speaking unless spoken to.

Second, he had controlled everything about their experience, choosing what they ate and drank, where they sat, and with whom they talked.

Third, he had never actually had a conversation with one of his girlfriends in her presence. He’d talked to other people, including her, about a variety of topics, but never his dates. In most instances, her attempts to draw them in had been met with short answers, murmured after they’d looked to him for approval. Most of them had appeared once and never again. Katrina had always assumed a mismatch, but now she accepted that he’d been treating those women as arm candy.

All at once she comprehended his struggle. He was trying to show her what she should expect from a Dom who loved her. He didn’t want her to settle for someone who treated her the way he treated his submissives.

If she was going to have a chance at a future with Keith, she had to help him. The best strategy for changing a habit was to remove triggers that propagated it. The courage that had prompted her to proposition him in the first place returned. “I don’t want to call you ‘Master.’ I don’t want you to call me ‘slave.’ I don’t want to use titles at all.”

He turned his head, staring at her over his shoulder with a deep frown on his face. “That’s not how it’s done. I’ve never known anyone who didn’t use titles.”

She drew her legs closer and tucked her feet under the blanket. The air was warm enough, but his demeanor lent a chill to the room. “That doesn’t mean we can’t do it. I prefer to use your name, and I like when you call me Kitty Kat.”

“Titles show respect.” His eyes glittered hard as granite.

Katrina shook her head. “Actions and tone of voice show respect. You’ve used titles for years, and you have no respect for a single woman you’ve been with.”

He barked out a short, bitter laugh. “You sound like your brother.”

The comparison didn’t rankle. Katrina admired both of her brothers. She recognized Keith’s defense mechanism, and she realized he was very close to kicking her to the curb. She put “fear of intimacy” at the top of his list of phobias.

The ruthless prosecutor in her came out, which wasn’t always a good thing. “What do you want out of life, Keith? What do you see when you look into your future? Marriage? A loving wife? Children? What?”

“Exactly like your brother.” A dull thud sounded as he leaned his forehead against the window with a little too much force. “No, Kat. I don’t see any of those things. I have no intention of ever getting married, and I sure as hell don’t want kids. I have no desire to deal with that kind of crap. Ever.”

Again, his words hit her like a slap in the face. Though she’d said she didn’t want to change him, in the back of her mind, she’d assumed he wanted the same things she did. Well, she wasn’t sure about the having-kids part. Truthfully, she’d never felt the need to parent anyone. She liked being an aunt. Knowing she was going to give them back made it enjoyable to spend time with her nephews. Right now she didn’t want that chaos.

But she did want to fall in love and get married. She did want a life partner. Best to rip off the scab quickly. “Why?”

“You wouldn’t understand.”

She was close to turning him over her knee. “Try me.”

Rocking back, he straightened up and turned to face her. “You grew up with a nice family. You always had something to eat when you got hungry, and you didn’t get the shit beat out of you on a daily basis.”

Katrina’s heart squeezed painfully. She knew the outline, the barest details about his upbringing, so what he said wasn’t news to her, but it was vague. Malcolm kept Keith’s confidences to himself, as a good friend should.

Now wasn’t the time to push him on that issue. She stood and let the blanket fall to the floor. “Just because you grew up in a house like that doesn’t mean you have to live in one. It doesn’t mean you have to be alone your whole life.”

Taking a chance, she crossed the room and stopped in front of him. He yanked the cord to the drapes and let them slide into place. It was probably best not to flash the neighbors or give her stalker ideas. She shivered in fear. Being with Keith made her feel safe, so considerations like that slipped from her consciousness.

Keith folded his arms over his chest. “Don’t get ideas, Kat. I’m only good for one thing. Keep that in mind, and I won’t break your heart.”

Too late for that. For far too many years, she’d nursed romantic intentions toward him. Those dreams didn’t go away easily, especially not when she had him within reach. Nonetheless, she rushed to assure him of the thing he needed to hear. The subtext of his concern brained her over the head, loud and clear. “I don’t have an endgame in mind.”