Remembering Brad: On the Loss of a Son to AIDS (15 page)

Love, Dad

* * *

21 November 1981

Dear Brad,

Just a quick note this afternoon, mainly to say hello and let you know we are thinking of you. Particularly as the Thanksgiving holiday approaches and we will be getting together with the Schow clan in Preston, we’ll miss you. I do hope that you will be with friends you enjoy and that you will have something like a traditional meal to feast on….

In this season of Thanksgiving, one of the blessings I am most grateful for is that you are my son. I love you deeply, and I feel you have much to offer me and others. It seems to me that you have a fine future ahead of you; I feel hopeful and optimistic for you. Your route may not be the most direct one to your goals, but you will get there. From my point of view, our relationship is now moving into a very rewarding phase, partly because your self-growth enables you to perceive me differently, no longer as a domineering force but as a caring, supportive friend. We will always be father and son to each other, but I hope in the most positive sense of that relationship.

Have a happy Thanksgiving. Dad

* * *

19 May 1982

Dear Brad,

The semester is over, grades are in, commencement past
—
and now I can take a little time to put the details of my life
—
academic and private
—
back into order. So I’ve made a long list of such things to attend to, and sending this note is at the top.

You’ll find enclosed the story by Andre Gide ["The Prodigal Son"] that I mentioned to you. When I read it, I was deeply moved, for much in it seemed to parallel your experience and the various possible responses that in one degree or another have followed. I am sure you will see that the story can be read symbolically
—
and I am also confident that you will agree with me that the people and situations in it are not exactly analogous to the circumstances in our family. You will, I’m sure, find Gide deeply perceptive, deeply sympathetic, and extraordinarily honest about the nature of individual experience. I think you are aware that Gide himself was homosexual. He was indeed a great writer. Perhaps you would enjoy reading other things by him, for example “The Pastoral Symphony,” a short novella.

In “The Prodigal Son,” the religious establishment is symbolically presented and its limitations revealed. In thinking about your experience, one of the sad and disappointing things for your mother and me
—
and doubtless for you is that the church, which ought to have provided help and understanding to you, was incapable of it. You did not leave the church so much as it left you….

Just one thought as I close. When we last spoke on the phone, you said your self-esteem was
—
for the moment at least
—
dragging. Well, I just want to remind you to keep some perspective on things. Seems to me you’re doing very well in some important ways. Seems to me you’re taking charge of your life very responsibly, digging yourself out of a bit of a financial hole
—
that won’t take you too long, and in the meanwhile you seem to be learning about other rewarding, relatively inexpensive, long term pursuits. That’s not bad at all. 23 years is, after all, still an early age. Anyone who makes you feel that you need to have arrived by 25 or 30 or even 35 is a fool. Consider my case
—
I went back to school at age 28, stayed at it four years, didn’t complete my dissertation until I was 35. Don’t let the worldliness of the L.A. life blind you to the fact that you are unique, have your own rhythm, your own pace, your own values, your own way. Have patience! Keep your own counsel, stay attuned to your own feelings, your own inner voice
—
and of course keep your intelligence awake and your antennae out. (I know you are doing that.) Time and patience, my son. In the meanwhile, think well of Brad. He’s a fine young man with a promising future. Remember that you have our love
—
and our respect as well.

Dad

* * *

16 June 1982

Dear Brad,

I have been thinking a good deal about our recent telephone conversation. After such a talk, one is always mindful (or should be) of the inherent difficulties in interpersonal communications: is what you said and meant really what we heard and understood
—
and vice versa? That I do not fully see your situation as it appears from your perspective is a given
—
each individual’s perception is to some degree subjective and cannot be entirely shared by another. Bearing this in mind, I nevertheless want to comment on several things we talked about, and their implications. My intent is not to lean on you heavily in paternal fashion but to share my views with you as a friend, one whose perspective may well be worth considering, one who cares deeply about your happiness and well being.

To be frank, Brad, I see you getting more deeply into a situation, the dangers of which I am becoming increasingly aware, the dangers of which you appear to be at least nominally aware but which you dismiss somewhat fatalistically. I am not speaking of homosexuality per se. Notwithstanding the social difficulties it entails, I believe it possible for homosexual preference to be compatible with a healthy life, both physically and psychologically. I am no longer hung up on that point, and I think you know that.

Rather, I am thinking of the grave dangers to physical and mental health posed by certain extreme dimensions often associated with gay life style
—
the health problems associated with sexual promiscuity. This applies in both sexes of course, but now, for reasons unknown, especially among gays. The hepatitis you are, we hope, recovering from is not to be taken casually. Its potentially damaging effects on the liver are no light matter, and recurrence of it could be very serious. The possibility of venereal diseases, including herpes, is ever present in a promiscuous climate, and now especially there is “Morbus Kaposi,” the exact nature of which is unknown but the deadly results of which are clear. This together with the mysterious weakening of the immune system which opens the gates to a variety of ills. The day after our talk on the phone, I came across the enclosed article in
Der Spiegel
, the German news magazine. Its contents deserve your attention, even if you have to struggle with translation or find some translating help. Among other things, it suggests the likelihood that the use of marijuana and other drugs may be related to the problem of weakened immune systems.

So what is my point, or points? (1) That homosexuality and macho gay promiscuity are not necessarily synonymous, that the latter is highly unlikely to bring you fulfillment in either the short or the long run, and that the health risks it presents are so great that a wise person will certainly not run them; (2) that there is still a great deal about the impact of drug use
—
even light drug use
—
that is not understood (just what “responsible” drug use means is not clear); (3) that you should not allow yourself and your life to be so dominated by your gay sex life in all its dimensions that it wholly absorbs your energies and keeps you from being able to focus on other meaningful goals and desires you wish to pursue. Mind you, I’m not saying you are thus dominated, but several comments you made last week on the phone so strongly suggested a fatalistic acceptance of all the health hazards we were discussing that I wonder if you shouldn’t strongly remind yourself of the
choices you can exercise
. You take charge of your life, don’t let circumstances dictate your course.

You said you would run the risks, enjoy the ride, and if you were unlucky, bear the consequences. I’ve no doubt you would. That takes character, and I believe you have it. You said you’d kill yourself rather than linger as a burden to anyone. Well, that may or may not be an admirable resolve, but it may be considered admirable only if you do all possible to avoid arriving at that extremity. You cited the native cultures in which old or otherwise burdensome people voluntarily eliminate themselves. But I guarantee you that in those societies such people generally do everything they can first of all to be survivors.

Life is given us as a resource. I think we have a moral responsibility to husband it well. It ought not to be squandered, ought not to be rashly risked. I don’t mean life should only be lived timidly, but I think one should live with the aim of being a survivor if one possibly can. Life has many rewarding facets and the possibility of some duration. So don’t put all your chips on a few quick throws of the dice for just a limited return. You have a fine future ahead of you, Brad. I really believe that. Live partly for that future, and don’t sacrifice too much for the present. That was Esau’s mistake, you remember.

Should you resent the tone I’ve taken and feel I’m presumptuous to advise you, remember that any man, regardless of his age or experience, is fortunate to have caring friends of different persuasions who will share their views as touchstones.

Harry Truman once said, “The most important things one learns are learned
after
one already knows it all.” I know I don’t know it all, and I trust you’d acknowledge that you don’t either. So let’s keep flexible and continue to sift what comes our way.

With love, your father

* * *

25 July 1982

Dear Brad,

… We’re all anticipating our California trip. Your mom hasn’t had a real vacation in some time, Roger is eager to get some feel for things down there, especially in the Sacramento area, and of course Ted is more than ready to see additional parts of the world. I hope our coming to visit you is still compatible with your plans. Our intent is to leave home August 15 probably and reach L.A. about Friday, August 19. That way we can have the weekend with you.

Well, how are you feeling about the relocation to Hawaii by now? In one sense your disclosure came as a surprise; in another sense it is not surprising at all, at least not in the fact that you are discovering some good reasons to leave L.A. and your present environment. As exciting as the place is for you, and enticing as you find the fast-paced life there, you are
—
it seems
—
recognizing some negative dimensions to it, dimensions not compatible with your personal well-being immediately and in the long run. That your good judgment would bring you to this realization was something I expected to happen eventually, and that it apparently is occurring now is, I believe, all to the good. I have the impression that the gay life in L.A. is hedonistic to an extreme
—
and that brings with it not only the much publicized health dangers (which you would indeed be wise to take seriously) but also dangers to the psyche, the will, undermining your sense of purpose with a continuing and debilitating quest for sensations and nouveau experience. That way lie frustration and personal nihilism
—
which I am aware you do not want. I speak in general terms
—
and with no intent to preach.

I gather from your telephone remarks that your intended relocation is a result of two developments: (1) your recognition of these negative aspects of life in L.A. and a desire (with mixed feelings) to start in a somewhat different direction elsewhere, cultivating more consistently friends with positive attitudes and “simpler” lifestyles, avoiding the haunted dimensions of life in the ghetto; (2) your promising relationship with Drew, who apparently embodies these more positive values. And of course there is your general desire to see the world. Have I stated it correctly?

Well, the new start could certainly work to your personal advantage, Brad. That it would be fun to see Hawaii and live there for a time is obvious enough, but that is not the primary issue as I see it. Rather, the question is whether you will improve your situation in more vital respects. I do think that a stable, loving relationship will do much to give meaning to your life, if you can achieve it. It requires some renunciations, of course, but they are worth it for the sake of the positive benefits (see Ecclesiastes 4:8-12). You have had some experience now, and that should help you in sizing up Drew. Does he want the same things you do? What kind of renunciations is he willing to make for long term happiness? And his health
—
could he pass a blood test, etc.? Will life with him help you to clarify and reach your career and personal goals
—
or otherwise?

As for the change in environment, Honolulu will doubtless also have a hedonistic gay community similar to that in L. A. if you seek it. The change in location will be positive only if it corresponds with a change in you and a resolve to redirect your life and habits. Certainly the right kind of friends will be a great help if this is what you want.

As for the financial aspects of it, you are in the best position to assess that. I expect your past experience will prevent you from getting burned again in the same ways. Just make sure your arrangements are cleanly made and clearly understood. I know you don’t want any more holes to climb out of.

I guess these may sound like the words of a Polonius, a great piling up of platitudes. Well, make whatever use of them seems best to you. If you want to employ us as a further sounding board, we are always available.

I look forward to seeing you in a few weeks. I miss seeing you oftener. I confess the long distance between here and Hawaii saddens me some.

I pray for you always
—
after my fashion. Pray for us too
—
after yours.

Din Far

* * *

30 October 1982

Dear Brad,

… You remember last week that you made a few comments about work, especially about your feeling a bit disillusioned by the necessity of it. Then there followed a little exchange about the value of work if it is a means of connecting one to vital living rather than alienating one from life. A couple of days later I happened to be looking at a back issue of
Quest
and came upon an article entitled “Workers and Lovers.” I’ve made an enclosed copy of it for you. I read it myself in the context of our telephone conversation, and I found several things in it that were thought provoking. It was interesting to me to make a little self-assessment in terms of the lists of conflicting values on page 16. I found myself to be partly worker, partly lover, the former especially by background and some of the values in my upbringing, the latter perhaps especially by virtue of my grounding in the humanities and sympathy with self-discovery and quality in one’s living. I suppose, in other words, that my good fortune in finding a kind of work to do that is personally rewarding for the most part has helped me avoid becoming submerged in the worker mentality and has helped me avoid alienation in my work. Maybe you won’t at all agree with my assessment of myself. Incidentally, I have no ulterior motive in sending the article. I’m sure you’ll find much of it very compatible with your thinking. Perhaps you’ve seen it already.