Remembering Brad: On the Loss of a Son to AIDS (13 page)

I am sorry that we could not, after all, entertain your friend. To have done so would have reassured you and been demonstration of marvelous broadmindedness on our part. But surely in retrospect you can see that was expecting too much too fast. It is one thing to bring us to a confrontation of the likelihood of your homosexuality; it is yet another big step to ask us to evaluate a man whom you are considering as a lifelong companion. You see, don’t you, how very, very difficult that would be to handle with equanimity in the space of forty-eight hours. Nevertheless, I would like so much to feel that you went away from us strengthened rather than frustrated, and I’m afraid that was not the case.

You may be wondering at this point if, after all, it was the best thing to have told us. Well, do not have any second thoughts on that
—
it was best that we should know. If there is pain involved for us, certainly there has been pain for you for a long time
—
and will probably continue to be in some degree. If love between us means anything, to me it means sharing this fact together. Our lives are bound together in ways which cannot be undone, and if our relationship is to have real meaning, it must not flinch from such a test. To be in a family implies ideally that we support each other in the best way we can (perhaps even by resisting), and that cannot happen in ignorance.

As you know, I read the long letter-essay that originated at BYU [i.e.,
Prologue
], and your mother is well along in her reading of it. I have also done a little reading at the university library and plan to do more. At this point it seems that no one pretends to have full knowledge of the phenomenon of homosexuality and its causes. But I did see several books (recent studies) which say there is a continuum in sexual responses, that the disposition of people is not into two wholly separate camps, that bisexuality is possible, with varying degrees of commitment to either side, etc. At this point I assume that you feel sure of where you stand on this continuum, but I am not confident that you have certain knowledge of all your options or your emotional and sexual possibilities. You will say, do say, that your experience with girls to now has convinced you that your basic inclination is not toward them: I would argue the possibility, at least, that your teenage experience did not adequately, fairly test your sexual compatibility with women. How much sexual experience with girls did you have, after all? You always complained that they hadn’t enough intellect
—
but then how many of your male teenage friends did you find intellectually stimulating? It is probably too soon to conclude reasonably that females cannot provide adequate intellectual stimulation for you
—
there are very bright ones around, in fact.

Perhaps, as the BYU letter writer argues, one does not choose his sexual proclivity; still how to respond to it as a given does involve some choices. Yesterday in Soda Springs I observed a young woman with her child, and it reminded me powerfully of what a pleasure it was to be very close to your mother as you and the other boys were prenatally formed, as you were born, and as you grew up with us. Pleasure is not an adequate word
—
it was to observe something very beautiful at close hand, intimately. It was to have a modest part in a wonderful creative process, to know through that cumulative experience perhaps the truest joy of my life. It is very sad for me to think of your missing that, particularly if you need not miss it.

But, you will say, “You are trying to impose your values on me, you aren’t willing to grant me freely the right to choose my own course. Furthermore, I don’t want the hassle and responsibility of children.” OK. But do you really know your own mind on these points just now? Many young men don’t. I’ll give you a specific case, Harry Donaghy, who as you know was a priest until past thirty when he decided that he very much wanted children, a family. And now the delight he takes in Nora and Marty is clearly visible whenever he is around them. Don’t put such experience out of reach prematurely. It is still too early. You are in college, a period when one is bombarded with new and heady doctrines, philosophies, ideas. So many persons have vacillated hither and thither in the midst of this stimulating growing experience, only to see certain old values gradually reemerge in their lives and thought. “But,” you will say, “my sexual inclination has long been clear.” And I say
—
perhaps. But can you just now absolutely know where determined sexuality ends and other social, intellectual sympathies begin
—
or vice versa? When I spoke the other day of homosexuality being a kind of religion for you at this point, perhaps I was not kind. Still you seemed to agree. If that is so, it suggests that you may in fact be dealing with a preference which is more intellectual-psychological (and thus changeable) than psychological-genetic.
May
, I say, for I do not know. My question is still, do you know absolutely? Probably not. Wouldn’t it be wise then to be cautious?

I am proud of you for many of the things you said in our two talks during your visit
—
that you are determined at all costs to avoid promiscuity, a homosexuality that has its
raison d’être
in superficial sensuality, that you are preparing yourself to be a real contributor in an enduring relationship, that you are committed to proceeding very carefully and very slowly. I pray you will not waver in that resolve. In a situation such as you find yourself in, where the risks are even greater than in the process leading to heterosexual marriage, and especially when your own goals and desires
may
be less than fully clear, a chaste homosexuality would still be the wisest possible course. A friend of the type who could be a fine long-term companion will be willing to wait until you have had sufficient time to be sure. “How long must I wait, Dad?” you said, and perhaps not very kindly I replied: “Until thirty.” Well, there is no magic number, but you can afford a couple more years at least of intelligent “cruising” among both sexes. Give each side its day in court; you haven’t done so yet, though I think you’ve tried. But teenage experience is not a sufficient trial. You have so much more to offer now, and so does a potential female partner. “I don’t plan to date,” you say. OK, don’t date. But do you
date
homosexual friends? Do
see
females who are intellectually stimulating to you, explore your common interests and share some good times with them. Who knows, perhaps you’ll even come to want to
date
.

When you left and I said we’d be praying for you, you said that was irrelevant but to go ahead if we derived any comfort from it, words to that effect. I don’t think you understood me quite. We will not pray that you be necessarily “changed,” but that light and understanding and strength and courage will be yours (and ours) and that you may find a way to a happy and rewarding future. I don’t pray too much in conventional ways, but I believe that the world is permeated by divine spirit and that we can put ourselves into harmony with it. I believe that others through faith and seeking can influence our lives positively in this way. If I were you, I’d look for some of that divine guidance on my own, and I would not discount the value of the sincere prayers of others on my behalf. Let us hear from you.

Your loving father

* * *

13 July 1979

Dear Brad,

It was good to speak with you the other night. I’m glad you called us back. It goes without saying, I suppose, that you have been in our thoughts almost continuously since you were home. On the more mundane level we have been wondering about whether you would find adequate apartment and job; more significantly we review over and over what you told us, trying to interpret it, trying to gauge its implications for the present and the future. Personally, I can come to no settled state of mind about it, my assessment vacillating from day to day. Of one thing, however, I do feel convinced, that it would be a mistake for you on the basis of your present position to conclude confidently that your future must necessarily deviate from the more conventional patterns of sexual relationship. Of one other thing I am sure, that your mother and I want to be as supportive as we can, helpful, understanding, loving friends who desire only your present and future happiness, friends who will respect your individuality while at the same time holding up a mirror to some things which you may not see. I am hopeful that we can talk again about these matters
—
if you wish to. But I will try to avoid intrusion if it is unwelcome.

You will see that I have included a book for you [
Surprised by Joy
]. I know that you have admired some things by C. S. Lewis, and I find that he can always be read with profit. This spiritual autobiography is one I have just discovered and appreciated. So many of Lewis’s youthful sympathies and experiences reminded me of yours that I felt you would enjoy a kindred spirit’s account. You will see, among other things, that he values greatly intellectual male friend-ships, that he too has found relatively few very close friends. I will be interested to learn what you think of the book …

Dad

* * *

4 February 1980

Dear Brad,

… Apropos of the moral vision in
Garp
[by John Irving], I’m not particularly impressed. It is more defensive than positive or affirmative. It is a response to the gothic and grotesque elements in life; and while the grotesque and the gothic certainly exist, one needn’t allow them to dictate the terms of one’s existence. Acts do acquire moral significance by virtue of the human dimension in them, but that doesn’t need to mean total relativism or arbitrariness. I reject a morality where one chooses anything he wants and justifies it as OK. If some religions have been narrow in their moral creeds, that is no argument in favor of an equally untenable chaos. Rather, the discovery of narrowness should impel one to pursue a holistic view of morality, one that seeks to perceive all the subtle implications of a moral choice and to act responsibly in accordance with that broad, intelligent perception. The moral philosophy of Jesus Christ, as I perceive it, is not narrow but rather encourages the fullest, most sensitive response from us. To see it as restrictive in a negative sense is to have bought someone else’s bill of goods, not Jesus’s. I’m not sure I understand in what it is you have felt cheated, but I can’t believe that
real
Christianity,
real
Christian ethics are responsible.

Nor do I quite agree that all religious systems are intended to hold man in subjectivity, ensuring their survival by instilling in him the need for what they proclaim (isn’t that the essence of your statement?). They may, of course, degenerate to that. But man’s need for morality is part of his nature, I think, necessary for his spiritual well-being. Consider the analogy of weightlessness in space: it may be a lark for a while, but before too long one yearns for something firm to push against. Only within a physical environment where something solid exists to thrust against can one’s action be decisive, effective, meaningful. Similarly, we need
—
each of us
—
the equivalent in the moral-ethical realm, something to push against, and so it is in our nature to seek moral certainties, firm places. I believe they exist, but we must find them with holistic, responsible vision.

Well, this is too complicated a topic to be handled in a single page, but I did feel inclined to respond to your brief comments
—
which I may not have understood. Wish we could have a long relaxed talk about this….

Love, Dad

* * *

22 May 1980

Dear Brad,

… And how are things with you, my friend? Your change of address and change of roommate come as a bit of a surprise and naturally leave us with many questions. What happened with Jon? What kind of person is your new roommate? What is the nature of your relationship with him? And, of course, all of the questions which bear on evaluating your situation at present. You have obviously come to the end of a chapter, one that must inevitably have enormous consequences for your life. I am wondering if you would not be wise at this point to give yourself a breathing space before you embark on another intimate homosexual relationship, time to get some perspective on where you are and where you want to be going. Obviously, I am hoping that the new roommate is not more to you than a friend and someone to share expenses. More than that would be unseemly haste.

Even as I write this, I am conscious that once again I may be intruding as a heavy parent, trying to exert a dominating influence. Well, I don’t want that, don’t want to deprive you of the right to live your life. But I feel that I want to be your friend. I hope you’ll regard my comments as indicating the best kind of interest, concern, and love rather than as intrusive and insensitive meddling.

Perhaps a homosexual life is what you will finally opt for, in spite of its difficulties. But in my mind at least, there is still some possibility that you could find a satisfying heterosexual life. (Have you seriously considered counseling?) And I am still convinced that in the world of real relationships, your chances of achieving a stable, happy, productive life will be far greater if you can find a female companion and are willing to help make a good marriage. There is much to be said for having some degree of stability in your life. A series of twelve-month, or short-term, relationships will keep you off-stride unceasingly, unable to settle down. There is just too much biologically and socially that militates against happy long-term male homosexual relationships.

At this point you have not gone too far to turn back. You have tried the homosexual life and you have lived in the homosexual ambience. Undoubtedly you will say you learned from it
—
but that is quite possibly because you had to make sacrifices and compromises in living with another person, not because of the homosexual dimension per se. Do you see what I mean? You have time to be patient. You’ve opened one present before Christmas: now settle back and don’t be in a big hurry. You might just decide you want to look for the presents under a different kind of tree. As Conrad points out in
Heart of Darkness
, many men get smashed on the rocks because they are not capable of restraint. Whatever your choice may be eventually, you’d do well to cultivate restraint just now.