Why were all of these things happening to her? All she wanted was her father and to be happy. And now it seemed as if life had turned its back on her and she was all alone, in a house of monsters.
When she didn’t move quickly enough, Shirley walked over to her, grabbed her by her hair and pulled her toward the tub. She slid easily on the floor because it was completely wet. Shirley she sat back on the edge of the tub and said, “Don’t make me tell you again. Lick it.”
With tears in her eyes, Harmony put her mouth on her inner thigh instead, in an attempt to fool Shirley. It wasn’t working. Shirley knew the feeling she was going for, after all, she had gotten Estelle and Charles to lick her vagina many times when they were her age.
Pulling her pussy lips back, Shirley exposed her pink clit and said, “There, lick right there.”
“
Please, nana. I…I don’t want to do this!”
SLAP!
“
Lick there!”
“
I…I feel sick.” Harmony said not being able to fathom doing something so pathetically gross to her grandmother. “I…I feel like I’ma throw up.”
Shirley got mad and slapped her again. “Lick, there! Now!”
“
No, I don’t want to do it.”
Shirley hit her a third time so hard, she knocked her out.
Two Hours Later
When Harmony came to, she was outside in Dingo’s nasty brick doghouse. Between being frightened that the animal would come back and kill her, and the temperatures reaching freezing points, she prayed to die in her sleep. Shirley didn’t bother to give her a coat and she was placed there until she decided to do what Shirley wanted. Days went by with no food or water, and Harmony developed a heavy cough.
Finally on day three, Charles came to her with a hard peanut butter and jelly sandwich and a glass of milk.
“
Here…eat this,” he said nestled inside of his heavy coat, staring down at her. Harmony grabbed the sandwich and drank the milk quickly, fearing he would take it back from her at any time.
He watched her eat the sandwich crouched inside knowing she wanted an offer to come inside and warm up. “You ready to come in now?”
“
Yes,” she coughed. “Please.”
Charles took her to the bathroom and ordered her to take a bath. When she was done, she walked into her room and he was there waiting. It wasn’t long before he fondled her again. The loud coughing didn’t appear to bother him one bit. With her legs open, he dug into her vagina deeply.
“
Uncle Charles,” she whispered. “That hurts.”
“
So what you want me to do, stop?”
“
Yes.”
“
You know how to make me stop?” She shook her head no. “By acting like you like it. When you do that, I can cum quicker.”
“
What’s cum?”
“
You see the clear stuff that come out of my joint, when you touch it?” He taught.
Just the thought of his semen made her disgusted but she knew exactly what he was talking about. “Yes. I remember.”
“
Well when you act like you like it, like by havin’ a smile on your face and stuff like that, then I cum quicker. And then I will leave you alone.”
Harmony thought about what he said and didn’t see any other way out. Both her grandmother and uncle wanted their way with her. She thought about telling, but didn’t know any other adults she trusted or who would listen. And if someone were to take her away, where would she go?
“
Listen, you gotta do what you gotta do to be aight, Harmony. You gotta give people what they want from you, so they’ll like you more. And more than anything, you gotta do what you gotta do to survive.”
“
But…Daddy said if I’m smart in school, I’ll be able to take care of myself. And maybe he’ll come back and help me.”
“
Your mama is dead and your daddy is probably dead, too.” He said with a scowl. Normally he played it cool when dealing with her but he was getting anxious and needed her mentally broken if he was going to do the things that he wanted to do to her body.
“
My daddy not dead. He in jail.”
“
Even if it’s true it don’t matter. Nobody wants you back. They not even trying to find out who killed your mama.” Harmony knew who Irma was but decided not to tell anyone. “Listen, right now, you live with me and your nana and we both know what we want. The question is, do you?”
She thought about it for a minute and said, “Yeah…I wanna be friends with Jace. I wanna be able to go outside and stuff like that,” she coughed.
Charles frowned but soon realized by reasoning with her, their time together would be more pleasurable for him.
“
Well if you wanna be friends with Jace, and you wanna go outside, you gotta do anything me and your nana want.”
“
I really don’t want to do what nana wants. It’s too, nasty.”
Charles smiled and said, “You won’t even notice after a while,” then he appeared to mentally go somewhere else. “I didn’t.”
“
I can’t do it. I won’t do it!”
“
Then get ready to go back outside to live in the doghouse. And be ready to stay there for the rest of your life.”
Harmony finally understood her options. Putting her guards down, after pleasing her uncle that night, she knocked on Shirley’s door and pleased her, too. And so the cycle continued for months at a time. Where she would use her body, to get what she wanted in life. This was also how she learned to become a woman.
One day while playing outside, she remembered what her uncle said about knowing what she desired out of life. Sure her and Jace were friends, but she wanted something more.
“
Jace, do you like Brittany?” She asked him sitting on his back door step.
“
She cool, why?”
“
Do she do stuff for you?”
“
What you talkin’ about?”
“
You know, kiss you, and touch your stuff?”
“
Naw…not really.” He said. “But she dresses nice and smells real good.”
That hurt and she knew he couldn’t say the same thing about her. So she started asking Shirley and Charles for money. First she’d ask for money for the ice cream truck, then it was money for new clothes. She learned how to please Shirley and Charles so well, that they soon gave her everything she wanted, including alcohol. Day after day, she would suppress what she felt inside, until she thought her feelings didn’t matter anymore. Her impressions of life and people were distorted and her reasoning was way off. In the end more damage had been done to her young mind than could ever be repaired.
One afternoon while preparing to go see Jace outside, a white man knocked on the door. Shirley answered and he asked for Harmony, claiming to have known her father.
“
Come in.” Shirley told him.
The stranger walked inside with an envelope in hand and said, “I’d like to speak to her alone.” Harmony knew instantly that this must be the man her father told her would come and visit. “This is private.” He continued.
“
If you don’t speak in front of me you can just turn around and leave. This here is my house.”
“
I see,” he started adjusting his tie, “well, my name is Terrace Strong, and I’m Cornell’s lawyer." He spoke calmly.
“
Cornell?” Shirley said sarcastically. “We have done everything we could to get in touch with that fool, after all, I am lookin’ afta his daughter you know.”
“
I do.”
“
Do you?” She paused. “‘Cause as you can see, she don’t want for nothin’. Where you think the money is comin’ from? Off trees?” Shirley continued, speaking of the new clothes Harmony was wearing, that she had licked her ass to get. “And now he wants to reach out?”
“
Mam, I’m not here to argue with you. I’m here to tell Harmony, and you, that Cornell is dead." The words hit Harmony like a ton of bricks and she dropped to the floor. Hope was gone the day her uncle entered her room, but hope was lost now. “Now, he asked me to give her something, and that’s what I’m here to do.”
“
So them cops finally got him, huh?”
The man did not respond. Instead he nervously handed Harmony the envelope, and said, “He loved you very much.”
Shirley snatched the envelope from her and counted five thousand dollars. “I know you not tellin’ me this all he gave me to take care of her?”
“
He didn’t give YOU anything. The money belongs to Harmony.” And just like that, he walked out the door.
Harmony had the swollen envelope filled with money in her hands for less than a minute before Shirley took it from her. However, Shirley was onto something, his lawyer managed to take everything from Cornell before his dying day. In the end leaving Harmony with nothing for her future. Once a millionaire Cornell Phillips died with not a penny to his name.
“
Well, looks like he wasn’t such a dead beat after all.” Shirley said tucking the money in her bra. “And don’t worry girl, you keep takin’ care of me like you do, and I’ll keep takin’ care of you.”
In a daze, Harmony shuffled her bare feet across the dirty kitchen floor and poured a glass of grape Kool-Aid from the refrigerator. Then she took a chair, pushed it in front of the fridge, climbed on top of it and grabbed the bottle of vodka from the freezer. Hopping off the chair, she poured it into her drink and swallowed it all. Having developed a tolerance for liquor, when the Kool-Aid mixture was done, she poured another glass of vodka straight before drinking it all.
And
just like that the trials and tribulations of Harmony Phillip's life began.
Present Day
Green Door – Adult Mental Health Care Clinic
Northwest, Washington DC
“So talk to me, Ms. Phillips, tell me at what point in your life, did
everything
else change?” Mrs. Christina Zahm, asked jotting down notes on Harmony’s health chart.
“What do you mean when did everything else change? My life has been fucked up from the very beginning. Haven’t you been listening to me?”
“Yes I have.” Christina said putting a few loose strands of her brown hair behind her ear. Her white skin flushed from the heat in the room. Although it was summertime, the air conditioning was broken and no one had bothered to repair it yet. “And I know you know that I have been listening. But why bring kids into this world when you knew you hated yourself?”
“Because I was raped as a child, I don’t deserve to have children?”
“I’m not saying that. It’s just that, well, from what I read in the paper, you were so brutal with your children.”
“I was.”
“But why subject innocent children to a life so cold?”
“So…everything is my fault now? I told you my life story…and how I was brought up and after everything it’s still my fault? What about those who were supposed to protect me?” Harmony said pointing at herself. Her body frail from years of alcohol abuse, and her face loaded with hate lines.
“Harmony, I don’t mean to place blame. But in order to get down to the heart of the matter, I need to know the why’s to some of my questions. It is through the why’s that I can help you over these hurdles so that we can make a change.”
“By change you mean you’ll stop me from drinking alcohol? Or help me love my kids?”
“I mean we can help you change your life and everything about it. And when your life is changed, you’ll be so much happier. And maybe even repair the relationship with your children.”
“They don’t want me and I don’t want them.” Harmony said looking down at her worn out tennis shoes.
“When they see you’ve changed, they may.”
“You blame me don’t you?” Harmony said with raised brows. “You blame me for what happened to all of those people.”
“I don’t blame you for anything.” Mrs. Zhan sighed. “I’ve already said that. So how about we start over. Tell me about your teenage years.”
“How early?”
“Take me back to your high school days. Let’s start there.”
PART TWO
Summer of 1988
Southeast, Washington, DC
Harder…Stronger
Jace Sherrod
The basement in me and my aunt Karen’s house was dim, but bright enough for me to see five members of my seven-man crew. The only light in the room sat above the pool table makin’ it look greener than it actually was. The silence was heavy and my men were starin’ at me. But I was lookin’ at the nigga Bam on the pool table, tied up like a fuckin’ hog, with rope binding his ankles and wrists together behind his back. A red sock was stuffed in his mouth and duct tape held it in place.
When Paco moved a little, I looked at him and then all of my men. I knew what they wanted from me, but I wasn’t ready to bring it like that. I wasn’t ready to kill.
“How much longer you think we should wait?” Paco, the getaway driver of my crew asked. “I mean, it ain’t like we can let him go. We gotta do somethin’.”
Paco was light skin and shorter than the rest of us, but girls thought he was cute so he stayed with a different broad with him at all times. The only time he didn’t was when we had meetings.