“I’ve spoken to everyone I need to.”
And I’d spoken to no one but him and Anthony, which was more than enough.
“My car is out front,” he said, turning around and walking toward the door.
My anxiety built as I followed him, keeping my eyes on the floor, knowing I would be away from that shiny box in just a few seconds. From that puffy white fabric that lined it. From the still face of Billy, who never should have been inside. But I would also be alone with Garin, the man I had thought about every day since I left Atlantic City. The man who deserved so much more than I was about to give him.
The man I could never tell the truth to because I would be in a box next to Billy’s.
Three
Garin
Twelve Years Ago
I opened my bedroom door and shrugged out of my jacket. As I rounded the corner to the bed, I saw Kyle sitting on the floor. She was tucked between the end of the mattress and my window, a blanket wrapped around her, sleeping on her arms as they rested on her bent knees.
“Hey,” I said, kneeling in front of her. I waited until her eyes opened. “You okay?”
No one was at my place tonight. Ma was probably partying at some other apartment in The Heart, and I’d seen my sister down at the boardwalk with one of the guys she liked to hustle with. Kyle must have used the spare key I kept hidden.
“I’m okay.”
“Come here.” I held out my hand.
When she grabbed it, I lifted her out of the corner and sat her on the bed. She brought the blanket along, tightening it around her.
“I couldn’t fall asleep at home.”
“Too cold?”
She nodded, sleepy-eyed and cute.
I paid our heat bill, but Kyle didn’t make enough to help out with her ma’s bills. If Anthony gave his ma any cash, I was sure she’d spend it on dope rather than making sure their apartment stayed warm. That was the kind of bitch she was. My ma was no better.
But that didn’t matter because I wanted Kyle here anyway. I liked that my place was where she went to get warm and go to sleep.
“Lie down,” I said. “I’ll take the floor.”
She kicked off her shoes and rested her head on the pillow. I sat on the carpet and leaned my back into the side of the bed.
“Is your ma home?” I asked.
“No, she went out before I got home from school.”
“What about Anthony?”
“I haven’t seen him for a few days.”
Kyle’s fridge was always empty. If her ma was home, she’d get Kyle something to eat. But, with her being out, that meant Kyle had skipped dinner. And there was no way the turkey sandwich and apple she’d eaten for lunch would hold her until tomorrow.
“I’ll be right back.”
She grabbed my hand when I tried to stand up. “No, don’t leave. I know you’re going to go get me some food, but I’m not hungry. I just want to talk.” Her eyes pleaded with mine. “So, stay with me and just talk to me, okay?”
“You need to eat, Kyle.”
“I will in a little bit. I promise.”
She let go of my hand, and I sat down again—this time, on the bed right next to where she was lying.
“I’m worried about Billy,” she said, resting her chin on her palm. “He’s using more and more.”
I knew she had noticed. It was impossible not to. But, shit, I didn’t want Kyle to worry about him, too. Billy was my responsibility, and somehow, I’d get him straight.
“He’ll be okay.”
“Are you sure?” She scratched her cheek and down her arm and rubbed around her elbow.
I knew she didn’t itch. Kyle was just fidgeting. She did that sometimes when we were alone together and sitting real close.
“Because I’m not sure he’s going to be okay,” she continued. “He doesn’t just use on the weekends when we’re having fun. He uses before school and right after last period. He’s always high now. And I’ve seen what happens when people use that much. We’re surrounded by it.”
She was talking about the people in The Heart. Her ma. Mine. They’d probably use a hell of a lot more if they could afford it. But she was right about what Billy’s using would eventually lead to, and the sadness in her eyes fucking killed me.
It killed me even more because it was my fault.
“I’ll talk to him, Kyle.”
I had to fix it. I’d already tried. But I’d try again and again until I got our friend back to the way he used to be.
“Okay.”
I could tell there was something else on her mind. She was acting too timid, too restless, for there not to be.
“Tell me what you’re thinking about.” When she didn’t answer, I put my hand over hers to stop it from moving. “Kyle?”
She looked so pretty as she glanced at me. She didn’t have any makeup on. Her hair was a little tangled and messy, and her eyes were puffy from rubbing them when she’d woken up.
“I don’t want to go home.”
She said that to me every time she came to my place. I never once made her leave. But this time felt different; it felt like there was something she wasn’t saying.
I pulled the blanket higher until it wedged under her chin.
When I tried to stand again, she stopped me. “Don’t go.”
“I’m not leaving. I’m just going to sit on the floor.”
She shook her head, her fingers squeezing mine. “No. Don’t.”
My dick hardened from the sound of those sweet words. It rubbed against my boxers, painfully pushing against the inside of my zipper.
“Where do you want me?”
Her skin was so soft, so perfect in the light that shone in from the streetlamp. I wanted to rub my face against her cheek, to kiss it.
“Here.” She patted the small space that was between us.
I kicked off my shoes and swung my legs onto the bed.
“No.” She was fidgeting again—this time, combing out the side of her hair. “I want you under the covers.”
She’d never asked me to do that before, never looked at me the way she was staring at me now. If I lay down as close as she wanted me, she’d feel how hard I was. I didn’t want that to scare the hell out of her. I had to know what she wanted before I got under the covers.
“Come here,” I said, reaching for her hand, pulling her until she sat up.
She didn’t fight me. She didn’t question what I was doing. And, when my fingers cupped her cheek, she didn’t pull away. My thumb traced the corner of her lips. After a few passes, she leaned into me, nuzzling my hand.
“I want to kiss you.” I wouldn’t have warned anyone else, and I never had in the past. But Kyle was my best friend. That made this different. And it made me more cautious.
Her teeth stabbed her bottom lip. “Do it. Please.”
Her lips were so hot. So full. So delicate, like the rest of her. I’d been checking them out for years, and now, she was telling me I could have them.
I didn’t want to wait a second more.
“Kyle,” I groaned right before I kissed her. I was gentle, not knowing how she’d react even though this was what she’d told me she wanted.
She moved much quicker than I expected, wrapping her arms around my neck, pressing her body into mine. When I felt her tits rub against my chest, I thought my dick was going to bust through my jeans.
“Garin.” It was a whisper. Tiny and breathy. Almost as tiny as her.
I pulled back just enough, so my tongue wasn’t inside her mouth. “Yeah?”
“Why are you being so gentle with me?”
I glanced down at her lips. They were wet—from me. They were red and puffy—from me. It looked so good on her.
“I don’t want to scare you.”
The problem with being her best friend was that I knew everything about her. I knew this was her first kiss. That was my doing. The guys at school didn’t fuck with her. They barely even talked to her because of me. So, I wanted to make sure she was comfortable, that her first time wasn’t rushed and heavy. She was making that almost impossible.
“You could never scare me, Garin.” Her voice was still so tiny. “Because I already love you. I always have.”
Girls had said that shit to me before. It was different with Kyle. It meant something. It hit me in the chest and stayed there. That was a feeling that had never been in there before.
“I—”
She put her finger over my mouth. “Don’t say it.” She smiled. “I already know how you feel about me. So, when you do say it, I want to be surprised.”
I kissed the inside of her finger. “Then, I’ll tell you that I want to kiss you more, and I don’t want to wait any longer to do it.” I pulled her out from underneath the blanket, turned her until she faced me, and sat her on my lap.
She spread her legs around my waist, her arms wrapped around my shoulders, and she moved her face much closer. “Kiss me, Garin. I mean,
really
kiss me.”
I gripped the back of her head and pushed it forward until her lips were on mine. Then, I gave her my tongue, and hers swirled around the tip of mine, softly sucking it. My hands slowly dropped down her body, feeling the spots I’d wanted to touch for so long. Her flat stomach, her narrow waist. Those perfect thin thighs. Each breath, each tiny moan, told me how good she was feeling.
And she felt so fucking good to me.
When I reached her chest, I brushed my thumb over her nipple. Back and forth. Just the very edge of it and only using the pad of my finger.
“Garin,” she groaned against my mouth. “Ahh.”
I switched to her other nipple, and her back arched. She was breathing her moans into me, and I swallowed every one. Her scent, her taste, her sounds—all of it made my dick even harder. And I was sure she felt it as she jerked her hips forward and sat right on top of it.
“Ahh,” she groaned again. Her fingers were running through my hair, tugging it so hard that I thought she was going to pull it out of my head.
I fucking loved it. I wanted her to pull harder. Because everything I heard, everything I felt, told me how good she was feeling, and that was the only thing that mattered to me. Except I knew I could make her feel even better. It would just mean that my hands would have to dip down to her pussy. Once they touched that part of her, I didn’t know if I could stop what would happen next. There had already been a lot of firsts tonight. I didn’t want to take her virginity, too.
I held her waist still and pulled our faces apart. She squeezed my shoulders as she tried to catch her breath, gnawing on those wet, puffy lips.
I couldn’t get enough of her innocence. That was something that didn’t exist around here. But I’d protected Kyle and made sure she didn’t lose hers.
I’d be the one who eventually took it.
“Why did you stop?” she finally asked.
There was hurt in her eyes, and that was the last thing I wanted.
“I’m out of self-control. I’ve been trying real hard, but I want you so bad, it hurts. If I don’t stop now, I’m going to take things much further, and you don’t want that yet.”
“Maybe I do.”
She was so fucking sweet. And so naive.
Rubbing her nipples and grinding against my dick had made her horny, and I hadn’t given her any relief. But if we had sex, there was a chance she’d regret it in the morning. Until I was sure it was what she really wanted, the only thing she was getting from me was more kissing.
That would have to come tomorrow though. I needed to jack off before I trusted myself around her again.
“I’ll give you everything you want, Kyle. Things just need to move slowly.”
The hurt returned to her eyes. I needed to fix it.
“You’re my best friend. Nothing is going to ruin that. I want this.” I pushed my hips up, so my hard-on pressed into her pussy. “You can feel how much I want this. But I want more than just sex, and that’s why we have to go slow.”
“I do, too.” The hurt started to dissolve when a grin spread over her lips. “More than anything.”
I lifted her off my lap and set her feet on the floor, standing in front of her with my arms on her shoulders. “If you stay here tonight, I won’t be able to keep my hands off you.”
“I kinda figured.” She was hiding her smirk by chewing her lip again.
I sucked it into my mouth and ran my tongue across it to heal it. “Stop chewing,” I said when I finally pulled away. “That’s my lip, and I’m the only one that’s allowed to bite it.”
She laughed, and it was the sound I’d been waiting to hear. A sound that caused my hands to wrap around her face and pull it toward mine. I knew I shouldn’t be kissing her again. It was too dangerous to keep tasting her. But I had to. I hadn’t gotten enough. I would never get enough of her, not when I’d waited this long to have her.
This was just a tease.
Hours with my mouth on her wouldn’t even give me the satisfaction I was craving. I needed days, months, with her. I needed to know that every part of her was mine. And I needed to feel that over and over. And ravishing her mouth was making that need intensify.
“You have to go.”
I licked the wetness off my lips and got another taste of her.
The want rushing through me made me want to fucking growl.
“I’m never going to sleep tonight,” she said so softly.
“Neither will I.” My thumb traced that curve around her mouth again. “But it’s not safe for you to be here a second longer.”
She tried to touch my chest, but I clenched both of her hands between mine.
“I’ll walk you out.”
I stopped by my closet before I took her downstairs, grabbing a plastic sleeve of powdered doughnuts. I always kept a few boxes of them in there. They were my favorite—Kyle’s, too—and we’d eat them every morning on our way to school.
I put the sleeve in her hand when we reached the bottom step. “Stay here,” I said.
“Garin?”
I opened the fridge. “Yeah?”
“I know you’re getting me more to eat, but I’m really not hungry.” She rubbed a finger over her lips. “I just want to taste you tonight. I’ll eat in the morning before school, I promise.”
I wasn’t used to her speaking this softly, but I liked it. Hell, I wanted so much more of it.
I shut the fridge and moved over to her. With her standing on the first step, we were almost the same height.
I leaned forward and nibbled her bottom lip. “Is this what you want?”
“Yes,” she sighed as I pulled my teeth away. “Keep eating me.”
“I want to.” I gripped her hips. “Every bit of you.” I lifted her off the step and set her by the front door. “Eat those doughnuts before you go to bed. All of them.”