right out of the suite. I thought we were going to have a bonding moment like fathers and daughters always do on TV, where he'd tell me that Grandmere was a very sick woman and that he was going to send her somewhere where she could take a
nice long rest, but instead all he said was, 'Go home.'
Then he handed me over to Lars - after slamming the door to Grandmere's suite VERY loudly behind him - and stormed off
in the direction of his own suite.
Jeez.
It just goes to show that even a royal family can be dysfunctional.
Couldn't you just see us on Ricki Lake?
Ricki:
Clarisse, tell us: why did you allow Sebastiano to put your granddaughter's photos in that Times advertising supplement?
Grandmere:
I did it to boost her self-esteem. And how dare you call me by my first name? That's Your Royal
Highness to you, Ms Lake.
I just know that when I get to school on Monday, everybody is going to be all, 'Oh, look, here comes Mia, that big FAKE, with her vegetarianism and her animal-rights activism and her looks-aren't-important-it's-what's-on-the-inside-that-matters-ism. But I guess it's all right to pose for fashion photo shoots, isn't it, Mia?'
As if it wasn't enough I had to be suspended. Now I am going to be sneered at by my peers too.
I'm home now, trying to pretend none of it ever happened. This is difficult, of course, because when I walked back into the
loft I saw that my mom had already pulled the supplement out of our paper and drawn little devil horns coming out of my
head in every picture, then stuck the whole thing on to the refrigerator.
While I appreciate this bit of whimsy, it does not make the fact that I will have to show my face - now plastered all over advertising supplements throughout the tri-state area - in school on Monday any easier.
Surprisingly, there is one good thing that's come out of all of this: I know for sure I look best in the white taffeta number with
the blue sash. My dad says over his dead body am I going to wear it, or any other Sebastiano creation. But there isn't another designer in Genovia who could do as good a job — let alone finish the dress in time. So it looks like it's going to be the dress by Sebastiano, which got delivered to the loft this morning.
Which is one thing off my mind, anyway.
I guess.
Saturday, December 12, 8 p.m., the Loft
I have already gotten seventeen e-mails, six phone calls and one visitor (Lilly) about the fashion thing. Lilly says it's not as bad as I think and that most people throw the supplements away without even looking at them.
But if that's true, I said, why are all these people calling and e-mailing me?
She tried to make out like it was all members of the Students Against the Corporatization of Albert Einstein High School,
calling to show their solidarity with my suspension, but I think we both know better:
It's all people who want to know what I was thinking, selling out like that.
How am I ever going to explain that I had nothing to do with it - that I didn't even know about it? Nobody is going to believe that. I mean, the proof is right there: I'm wearing the proof. There's photographic evidence of it.
My reputation is going down the drain, even as I sit here. Tomorrow morning, millions of subscribers to the New York Times are going to open their papers and be like, 'Oh, look, Princess Mia. Sold out already. Wonder how much she got paid? You wouldn't think she'd need the money, what with being royal and all.'
Finally I had to ask Lilly to please go home, because I'd developed such a headache. She tried to cure it with some shiatsu, which her parents frequently employ on their patients, but it didn't work. All that ended up happening was that I think she burst a blood vessel or something between my thumb and index finger, since it really hurts.
Now I am determined to start studying, even though it's Saturday night and everyone else my age is out having fun.
But haven't you heard? Princesses never get to have any fun.
Here is what I have to do:
• Algebra: review chapters 1-10
• English: term paper, 10 pages, double spaced, utilize appropriate margins; also, review chapters 1-7
• World Civ.: review chapters 1—12
• G & T: none
• French: revue chapitres Un—Neuf
• Biology: review chapters 1-12
• Write out instructions on how to care for Fat Louie.
• Christmas/Hanukkah shopping:
Mom - Bon Jovi maternity T
Dad - Book on anger management
Mr. G — Swiss Army knife
Lilly — blank videotapes
Tina Hakim Baba - copy of Emanuelle
Kenny - combination TV/VCR (I don't think this is too extravagant. And no, it's not guilt, either. He really wants one)
Grandmere - NOTHING!!!!!!
• Paint fingernails (maybe presence of foul-tasting polish will prevent biting them off)
• Break up with Kenny.
• Organize sock drawer.
I am going to start with the sock drawer because that is clearly the most important. You can't really concentrate on anything if your socks aren't right.
Then I will move on to Algebra because that is my worst subject, and also my first test. I am going to pass it if it is the last thing I do. NOTHING is going to distract me. Not this thing with Grandmere, not the fact that four of those seventeen e-mails are from Michael, not the fact that two are from Kenny, not the fact that I am leaving for Europe at the end of next week, not the fact that my mother and Mr. Gianini are in the next room watching Die Hard, my favourite Christmas movie, NOTHING.
I WILL PASS ALGEBRA THIS SEMESTER, and NOTHING IS GOING TO DISTRACT ME FROM STUDYING FOR THE FINAL!!!!!!!!!!!
Saturday, December 12, 9 p.m., the Loft
I just had to go out and see the part where Bruce Willis throws the explosives down the elevator shaft, but now I am back
to work.
Saturday, December 12, 9:30 p.m., the Loft
I was really curious about what Michael could possibly want, so I read his e-mails -just his. One was about the supplement (Lilly had told him, and he wanted to know if I was thinking of abdicating, ha ha) and the other three were jokes that I
suppose were meant to make me feel better. They weren't very funny but I laughed anyway.
I bet Judith Gershner doesn't laugh at Michael's jokes. She's too busy cloning things.
Saturday, December 12,10 p.m., the Loft
How to Care for Fat Louie While I am Away:
a.m.
In the morning, please fill Fat Louie's bowl with dry food. Even if there is already food in the bowl, he likes to have some
fresh served on top so he can feel like he is having breakfast like the rest of us.
In my bathroom is a blue plastic cup sitting by the bathtub. Please fill that every morning with water from the bathroom sink. You must use water from the bathroom sink because water from the kitchen sink isn't cold enough. And you have to put it
in the blue cup because that is the cup Fat Louie is used to drinking out of while I am brushing my teeth.
He has a bowl in the hallway outside my room. Rinse that out and fill it with water from the water filter pitcher in the refrigerator. It must be water from the water filter pitcher because even though New York tap is said to be contaminant-free, it is good for Louie to get at least some water that is definitely pure. Cats need to drink a lot of water to flush out their systems and prevent kidney and urinary tract infections, so always leave lots of water out, and not just by his food bowls but other places as well.
Do not confuse the bowl in the hall with the bowl by the Christmas tree. That bowl is there to discourage Louie from
drinking out of the tree holder. Too much tree resin could make him constipated.
In the morning, Fat Louie likes to sit on the window sill of my room and look at the pigeons on the fire escape. NEVER OPEN THIS WINDOW, but be sure the curtains are open so he can see out.
Also, sometimes he likes to look out the windows by the TV. If he cries while he is doing this, it means you should pet him.
p.m.
At dinnertime, give Fat Louie canned food. Fat Louie only likes three flavours, Chicken and Tuna Feast (Flaked),
Shrimp and Fish Feast (Flaked), and Ocean Fish Feast (Flaked). He won't eat anything with beef or pork.
He must have the contents of the can on a new CLEAN saucer or he won't eat. Also, he won't eat if the contents don't
retain their can-like shape on the plate, so don't chop up his food.
After eating his canned food, Fat Louie likes to stretch out on the carpet in front of the front door. This is a good time to
give him his exercise. When he stretches out, just put your hand under his front legs and straighten them (he likes this) until he bends like a comma. Then dig your thumbs between his shoulder blades and give him a kitty massage. He will purr if you do it right. If you do it wrong you will know because he will bite you.
Fat Louie gets bored very easily and when he gets bored, he walks around crying, so here are some games he likes to play:
• Take some pieces of cat treat and line them up on top of the stereo for Fat Louie to knock of and chase.
• Put Fat Louie in my computer chair and then hide behind the bookshelf and throw one end of a shoelace over the back of the chair so he can't see where it is coming from.
• Make a fort out of pillows on my bed and put Fat Louie inside of it and then stick your hand into any openings between the pillows (I recommend wearing gloves during this game).
• Put some catnip in an old sock and throw it to Fat Louie. Then leave him alone for four to five hours, because catnip makes him a litde free with his claws.
The Litter Box
Mr. Gianini, this one is for you. Mom must not clean out the litter box or touch anything that may have come in contact with it or she might develop toxemia and she or the baby might die or get sick. Always wash your hands in warm, soapy water after changing Fat Louie's litter box, even if you don't think you got anything on your hands.
Fat Louie's box needs to be scooped out every day. Always use clumping litter and then just scoop out the clumps into a Grand Union bag and dispose. Nothing could be simpler. He tends to do number 2 about two hours after his evening meal. You will be able to tell from the odour wafting from his box in my bathroom.
Most Important of All
Remember not to disturb Fat Louie's special area behind the toilet in my bathroom. That is where he keeps his collection
of shiny objects. If he takes something of yours and you find it there, be sure not to take it out while he is looking or for weeks he will try to bite you every time he sees you. I talked to the vet about it, but she said short of hiring an animal behaviourist at $70/hr there is nothing that can be done. We just have to put up with it.
Above all, be sure to pick Fat Louie up several times a day and hug and squeeze him!!!!! (He likes this.)
Saturday, December 12, Midnight, the Loft
I can't believe it's midnight already and I am still only on Chapter One of An Introduction to Algebra!
This book is incomprehensible. I sincerely hope whoever wrote it did not make very much money from it.
I should just go and ask Mr G what's going to be on the Final.
No, that would be cheating.
Wouldn't it?
Sunday, December 13,10 a.m., the Loft
Only forty-eight hours until the Algebra final and I am still on Chapter One.
Sunday, December 13,10:30 a.m., the Loft
Lilly just came over again. She wants to study for World Civ. together. I told her I can't worry about World Civ. when I am only on Chapter One in my Algebra review, but she said we could alternate: she would quiz me on Algebra for an hour - then
I could quiz her on World Civ. for an hour. I said OK, even though it really isn't fair - she is getting an A in Algebra so her quizzing me isn't really helping her any, while my quizzing her in World Civ. helps me study for it too.
But that's what friends are for, I guess.
Sunday, December 13,11 a.m., the Loft
Tina just called. Her little brothers and sisters are driving her crazy. She wanted to know if she could come down and study here. I said sure.
What else could I say? Besides, she promised to stop at H and H for bagels and vegetable cream cheese. And she said she thought the photos of me in the supplement were beautiful and that I shouldn't care if people call me a sellout because I look
so hot.
Sunday, December 13, Noon, the Loft
Michael told Boris where Lilly was, so now Boris is here too.
Lilly's right. Boris really does breathe too loudly. It's very distracting.
And I wish he wouldn't put his feet on my bed. The least he could do is take his shoes off first. But when I suggested it,
Lilly said that would be a bad idea.
Ew. I don't know why Lilly puts up with a boyfriend who is not only a mouth breather but also has stinky feet.
Boris may be a musical genius but he has a lot to learn about hygiene, if you ask me.
Sunday, December 13,12:30 p.m., the Loft
Now Kenny's here. I don't know how I am supposed to get any studying done with all of these people around. Plus Mr. Gianini has decided now would be a good time to practise his drums.
Sunday, December 13, 8 p.m., the Loft
I told Lilly and she agreed that once Boris and Kenny showed up, the whole studying thing kind of went down the drain. Plus Mr. G's drumming didn't help. So we decided it would be best to take a study break and go to Chinatown for dimsum.
We had a good time at Great Shanghai, eating vegetable dumplings and dried sauteed string beans with garlic sauce. I ended
up sitting by Boris and he really made me laugh, engineering it so that whenever the waiters brought something new, the only empty spot on the table was in front of him so they had to put it there, which meant Boris and I got first dibs on it.