But almost as if she could read my mind, Grandmere just went, 'Hmm,' in this knowing way.
'Suit yourself,' she continued. 'Still, it seems a bit cruel to me, your breaking things off with this young man at this time of year.'
'Why?' I asked, confused. Had Grandmere inadvertendy stumbled across some TV channel playing It's a Wonderful Life or something? She had never shown one speck of holiday spirit before now. 'Because it's Christmas?
'No,' Grandmere said, looking very disgusted with me - I guess over the suggestion that she might ever be moved by the anniversary of the birth of anyone's saviour. 'Because of your exams. If you truly wish to be kind, I think you might at least
wait until your Final exams are over before breaking the poor litde fellow's heart.'
I had been all ready to argue with whatever excuse for me not breaking up with Kenny Grandmere came up with next - but
this one I had not expected. I stood there with my mouth hanging open. I know it was hanging open, because I could see it reflected in the three full-length mirrors beside me.
'I cannot imagine,' Grandmere went on, 'why you do not simply allow him to believe his ardour returned until your exams are over. Why compound the poor boy's stress? But you must, of course, do what you think is best. I suppose this, er, Kenny is the sort of boy who bounces back easily from rejection? He'll probably do quite well in his exams, in spite of his broken heart.'
Oh, God! If she had stabbed a fork in my stomach and twisted my intestines around the tines like spaghetti noodles, she couldn't have made me feel worse . . .
And, I have to admit, a little relieved. Because of course I can't break up with Kenny now. Never mind my Bio. grade and the dance - you can't break up with someone right before Finals. It's like the meanest thing you can do.
Well, aside from the kind of stuff Lana and her friends pull. You know, girls' locker room stuff, like going up to someone who
is changing and asking her why she wears a bra when she obviously doesn't need one, or making fun of her just because she doesn't happen to like being kissed by her boyfriend. That kind of thing.
So here I am. I want to break up with Kenny, but I can't.
I want to tell Michael how I feel about him, but I can't do that either.
I can't even quit biting my fingernails. I am going to gross out an entire European nation with my bleedy-looking cuticles.
I am a pathetic mess. No wonder in the car this morning - after I accidentally closed the door on Lars's foot - Lilly said that I should really look into getting some therapy, because if anybody needs to discover harmony between her conscious and her unconscious, it's me.
To Do Before Leaving for Genovia
1. Get cat food, litter for Fat Louie.
2. Stop biting fingernails.
3. Achieve self-actualization.
4. Discover harmony between conscious and subconscious.
5. Break up with Kenny - but not until after Finals/Non-Denominational Winter Dance.
Tuesday, December 8, English
What was THAT just now in the hallway? Did Kenny Showalter just say what I think he said to you?
Yes. Oh my God, Shameeka, what am I going to do? I'm shaking so hard I can barely write — M
What do you mean, what are you going to do? The boy is warm for your form, Mia. Go for it.
People can't just be allowed to go around saying things like that. Especially so loud. Everyone must have heard him. Do you think everyone heard him?
Everybody heard him, all right. You should have seen Lilly's face. I thought she was going to suffer one of those synaptic breakdowns she's always talking about.
You think EVERYBODY heard him? I mean, like the people coming out of the Chemistry lab? Do you think they heard?
How could they not? He yelled it pretty loud.
Were they laughing? The people coming out of Chemistry? They weren't laughing, were they?
Most of them were laughing.
Oh, God! Why was I ever born????
Except Michael. He wasn't laughing.
He WASN'T? REALLY? Are you pulling my leg?
No. Why would I do that? And what do you care what Michael Moscovitz thinks, anyway?
I don't. I don't care. What makes you think I care?
Um, for one thing because you won't shut up about it.
People shouldn't go around laughing at other people's misfortunes. That's all.
I don't see what the big misfortune is. So the guy loves you? A lot of girls would really like it if their boyfriend yelled that at them between second and third period.
Yeah, well, NOT ME!!!
Use transitive verbs
to create brief, vigorous sentences:
Transitive: He soon regretted his words.
Intransitive: It was not long before he was very sorry that he had said what he said.
Tuesday, December 8, Bio.
Gifted and Talented was so not fun today. Not that Bio. is any better, on account of the fact that I am stuck here next to Kenny, who seems to have calmed down a little since this morning.
Still, I really think that people who are not actually enrolled in certain classes have no business showing up in them.
For instance, just because Judith Gershner has study hall for fifth period is no reason that she should be allowed to hang
around the Gifted and Talented classroom for fifty minutes during that period. She should never have been let out of study
hall in the first place. I don't think she even had a pass.
Not that I would turn her in, or anything. But this kind of flagrant rule-breaking really shouldn't be encouraged. If Lilly is
going to go through with this walkout thing, which she is still trying to garner support for, she should really add to her list of
complaints the fact that the teachers in this school have favourites. I mean, just because a girl knows how to clone things
doesn't mean she should be allowed to roam the school freely any time she wants.
But there she was when I walked in, and there's no doubt about it: Judith Gershner has a total crush on Michael. I don't really know how he feels about her, but she was wearing tan-coloured pantyhose instead of the black cotton tights she normally wears, so you know something is up. No girl wears tan pantyhose without a good reason.
And, OK, so maybe they are working on their booth for the Winter Carnival, but that is no reason for Judith to drape her
arm across the back of Michael's chair like that. Plus he used to help me with my Algebra homework during G & T,
but now he can't because Judith is monopolizing all his time. I would think he might resent the intrusion.
Plus Judith really has no business butting into my private conversations. She hardly even knows me.
But did that stop her from observing, when she overheard Lilly's formal apology for not having believed me about Kenny's weird phone call - any doubts about the veracity of which he managed to scatter today with his display of unbridled passion
in the third-floor hallway - that she feels sorry for him? Oh, no.
'Poor kid,' Judith said. 'I heard what he said to you in the hallway. I was in the Chem. lab. What was it again? “I don't care if you don't feel the same way, Mia, I will always love you”, or something like that?'
I didn't say anything. That's because I was busy picturing how Judith would look with a pencil sticking out of the middle of her forehead.
'It's really sweet,' Judith said. 'If you think about it. I mean, the guy's clearly got it bad for you.'
This is the problem, see. Everyone thinks that what Kenny did was so cute and everything. Nobody seems to understand that
it wasn't cute. It wasn't cute at all. It was completely humiliating. I don't think I've ever been so embarrassed in my whole life.
And, believe me, I've lived through more than my fair share of embarrassing incidents, especially since this whole princess
thing started.
But I'm apparently the only person in this entire school who thinks what Kenny did was the least bit wrong.
'He's obviously very in touch with his emotions.' Even Lilly was taking Kenny's side in the whole thing. 'Unlike some people.'
I have to say, this makes me so mad when I think about it because, the truth is, ever since I have started writing things down
in journals, I have gotten very in touch with my emotions. I usually know almost exactly how I feel.
The problem is, I just can't tell anyone.
I don't know who was the most surprised when Michael suddenly came to my defence against his sister - Lilly, Judith Gershner, or me.
'Just because Mia doesn't go around shouting about how she feels in the third-floor hallway,' Michael said, 'doesn't mean she isn't in touch with her emotions.'
How does he do that? How is it that he is able to magically put into words exactly what I feel but seem to have so much
trouble saying? This, you see, is why I love him. I mean, how could I not?
'Yeah,' I said triumphantly, to Lilly.
'Well, you could have said something back to him.' Lilly always gets disgruntled when Michael comes to my rescue especially when he does it while she is attacking me about the lack of honesty in my emotional life. 'Instead of just leaving him hanging there.'
'And what,' I demanded - injudiciously, I now realize -'should I have said to him?'
'How about,' Lilly said, 'that you love him back?'
WHY? That's all I want to know. WHY was I cursed with a best friend who doesn't understand that there are some things you just don't say in front of EVERYONE IN THE ENTIRE GIFTED AND TALENTED CLASSROOM, INCLUDING HER BROTHER????
The problem is, Lilly has never been embarrassed about anything in her life. She simply does not know the meaning of the
word embarrassment.
'Look,' I said, feeling my cheeks begin to burn. I couldn't lie, of course. How could I lie, considering what I now know about my nostrils? OK, Lilly hadn't figured it out yet, but it was only a matter of time.
'I really and truly value Kenny's companionship,' I said carefully. 'But love. I mean, love. That is a very big thing. I'm not, I mean, I don't. . . '
I dribbled off pathetically, acutely aware that everyone in the room, but most especially Michael, was listening.
'I see,' Lilly said, narrowing her eyes. 'Fear of commitment.'
'I do not fear commitment,' I insisted. 'I just—'
But Lilly's dark eyes were already shining in eager anticipation. She was getting ready to psychoanalyze me - one of her favourite hobbies, unfortunately.
'Let's examine the situation, shall we?' she said. 'I mean, here you've got this guy going around the hallways screaming about how much he loves you, and you just stare at him like a rat caught in the path of the D train. What do you suppose that means?'
'Have you ever considered,' I demanded, 'that maybe the reason I didn't tell him I love him back is because I—'
I almost said it. Really. I did. I almost said that I don't love Kenny.
But I couldn't. Because if I'd said that, somehow it would have gotten back to Kenny and that would be even worse than my breaking up with him. I couldn't do it.
So all I said instead was, 'Lilly, you know perfectly well I do not fear commitment. I mean, there are lots boys I—'
'Oh, yeah?' Lilly seemed to be enjoying herself way more than usual. It was almost as if she was playing to an audience.
Which, of course, she was. The audience of her brother and his girlfriend. 'Name one.'
'One what?'
'Name a boy that you could see yourself committing to for all eternity.'
'What do you want - a list?' I asked her.
'A list would be nice,' Lilly said.
So I drew up the following list:
Guys Mia Thermopolis Could See Herself Committing To for All Eternity
1. Wolverine of the X-men.
2. That Gladiator guy.
3. Will Smith.
4. Tarzan from the Disney cartoon.
5. The Beast from Beauty and the Beast.
6. That hot soldier guy from Mulan.
7.
The guy Brendan Fraser played in The Mummy.
8. Angel.
9. Tom on Daria.
10.
Justin Baxendale.
But this list turned out to be no good, because Lilly totally took it and analyzed it, and it works out that half the guys on it are actually cartoon characters; one is a vampire, and one is a mutant who can make spikes shoot out of his knuckles.
In fact, except for Will Smith and Justin Baxendale - the good-looking senior who just transferred from Trinity and who a lot
of girls at Albert Einstein High School are already in love with — all the guys I listed are fictional creations. Apparently, the
fact that I could list no guy I had a hope of actually getting together with - or who even lives in the third dimension — is indicative of something.
Not, of course, indicative of the fact that the guy I like was actually in the room at the time, sitting next to his new girlfriend,
and so I couldn't list him.
Oh, no. Nobody thought of that.
No, the lack of actual attainable men on my list was apparently indicative of my unrealistic expectations where men are concerned, and further proof of my inability to commit.
Lilly says if I don't lower my expectations somewhat I am destined for an unsatisfactory love life.
As if the way things have been going, I've ever expected anything else.
Kenny just tossed me this note:
Mia -I'm sorry about what happened today in the hattway. I understand now that I
embarrassed you. Sometimes 1 forget that even though you are a princess, you are still quite introverted. 1 promise never to do anything of the sort again. Can 1 make it up to you by taking you to lunch at 'Big Wong on Thursday? - Kenny
I said yes, of course. Not just because I really like Big Wong's steamed vegetable dumplings, or even because I don't want people thinking I fear commitment. I didn't even say yes because I suspect that, over dumplings and hot tea, Kenny is finally going to ask me to the Non-Denominational Winter Dance.
I said yes because, in spite of it all, I really do like Kenny, and I don't want to hurt his feelings.
And I'd feel the same way even if I weren't a princess and always had to do the right thing.
Homework:
Algebra: review questions at the end of Chapters 4—7
English: term paper
World Civ.: review questions at the end of Chapters 5-9
G & T: none
French: review questions at the end of Chapters 4—6
Biology: review questions at the end of Chapters 6-8
Tuesday, December 8, 4 p.m.,
in the limo on the Way to the Plaza
The following conversation took place between Mr. Gianini and me today after Algebra review:
Mr G:
Mia, is everything all right?
Me: (Surprised)
Yes. Why wouldn't it be?
Mr G:
Well, it's just that I thought you'd pretty much grasped the FOIL method, but on today's pop quiz you got all five problems wrong.
Me:
I guess I've sort of had a lot on my mind.
Mr G:
Your trip to Genovia? Me: Yeah, that, and . . . other things.
Mr G:
Well, if you want to talk about the, um, other things, you know I'm always here for you. And your mother. I know we might seem preoccupied with the baby and everything, but you're always number one on our list of priorities. You know that, don't you?
Me: (Mortified)
Yes. But there's nothing wrong. Really.
Thank God he doesn't know about my nostrils. And, really, what else could I have said? 'Mr G, my boyfriend is a nutcase but I can't break up with him on account of Finals, and I'm in love with my best friend's brother?'
I highly doubt he'd be able to offer any meaningful advice on any of the above.
Tuesday, December 8, 7 p.m.
I don't believe this. I'm home before Baywatch Hawaii starts for the first time in like months. Something must be wrong with Grandmere. Although she seemed pretty normal at our lesson today. I mean, for her. Except that she kept stopping me in the middle of my reciting the Genovian pledge of allegiance (which I have to memorize, of course, for when I am visiting schools
in Genovia. I don't want to look like an idiot in front of a bunch of five-year-olds for not knowing it) to ask me what I'd
decided to do about Kenny.
It's kind of funny about her taking an interest in my personal life since she certainly never has before. Well, not very much, anyway.
And she kept on saying stuff about how ingenious it had been of Kenny, sending me those anonymous love letters last
October - the ones I thought (well, OK, hoped, not really thought) Michael was writing.
I was all, 'What was so ingenious about that?' to which Grandmere just replied, 'Well, you're his girlfriend now, aren't you?'
Which I never really thought about, but I guess she's right.
Anyway, my mom was so surprised to see me home so early she actually let me be in charge of choosing the takeout (pizza margherita for me. I let her get rigatoni bolog-nese, even though the sausage in the sauce is probably steeped in nitrates that could harm a developing foetus. Still, it was sort of a special occasion, what with me actually being I home for dinner for a change. Even Mr. Gianini got a little wild and had something with porcini mushrooms in it).
I am psyched to be home early because you wouldn't I believe all the studying I have to do, plus I should probably start my term paper, then there's figuring out what I'm going to get people for Christmas and Hanukkah, not to mention going over the thank you speech I have to make to the people of Genovia in my nationally televised (in Genovia, anyway) introduction to the people I will one day rule. I had really better buckle down and get to work!
Tuesday, December 8, 7:30 p.m.
OK, so I was taking a study break and I just realized something. You can learn a lot from watching Baywatch. Seriously.
I have complied a list:
Things I Have Learned from Watching Baywatch
1. If you are paralyzed from the waist down, you just need to see a kid being attacked by a murderer and you will be able
to get up and save him.
2. If you have bulimia, it is probably because two men love you at the same time. Just tell the two of them you only want to
be friends and your bulimia will go away.
3. It is always easy to get a parking place near the beach.
4. Male lifeguards always put a shirt on when they leave the beach. Female lifeguards don't need to bother.
5. If you meet a beautiful but troubled girl, she is probably either a diamond smuggler or suffering from a split personality disorder. Do not accept her invitation to dinner.
6. Dick van Patten, though a senior citizen, can be surprisingly hard to quell in a fistfight.
7. If people are dying mysteriously in the water, it is probably because a giant electric eel has escaped from a nearby aquarium.
8. Girls who are thinking about abandoning their baby should just leave it on the beach. Chances are, a nice lifeguard will take
it home, adopt it, and raise it as his own.
9. It is very easy to outswim a shark.
10. Wild seals make adorable and easily trained pets.
Tuesday, December 8, 8:30 p.m.
I just got an e-mail from Lilly. I'm not the only one who got it, either. Somehow she figured out how to do a mass e-mail to every kid in school.
Well, I shouldn't be surprised, I guess. She is a genius. Still, she has clearly developed atrophy of the brain from too much studying, because look what she wrote:
Attention all students at Albert Einstein High School
Stressed from too many exams, term papers and final projects? Don't just passively accept the oppressive workload handed down to us by the tyrannical administration! A silent walkout has been scheduled for tomorrow. At 10 a.m. exactly, join your fellow students in showing our teachers how we feel about inflexible exam schedules, repressive censorship, and having only one Reading Day in which to prepare for our Finals. Leave your pencils, leave your books and gather on East 75th Street between Madison and Park (use doors by main administration offices, if possible) for a rally against Principal Gupta and the trustees. Let your voice be heard!
I am so sure, I can't walk out tomorrow at 10 a.m. That's right in the middle of Algebra. Mr Gianini's feelings will be so hurt if we all just get up and leave.
But if I say I'm not going to take part in it, Lilly will be furious.
But if I do take part in it, my dad will kill me. Not to mention my mom. I mean, we could all get suspended or something. Or
hit by a delivery truck. There are a lot of them on 75th at that time of day.
Why? Why must I be saddled with a best friend who is so clearly a sociopath?
Tuesday, December 8, 8:45 p.m.
I just got the following Instant Message from Michael:
CracKing: Did you just get that whacked-out mass e-mail from my sister?
I replied at once.
FtLouie: Yes.
CracKing: You're not going along with her stupid walkout, are you?
FtLouie: Oh, right. She won't be too mad if I don't, or anything.
CracKing: You don't have to do everything she says, you know, Mia. I mean, you've stood up to her before. Why not now?
Um, because I have enough to worry about right now — for instance, Finals; my impending trip to Genovia; and, oh, yeah, the fact that I love you — without adding a fight with my best friend to the list.
But I didn't say that, of course.
FtLouie: I find that the path of least resistance is often the safest one when dealing with your sister.
CracKing: Well, I'm not doing it. Walking out, I mean.
FtLouie: It's different for you. You're her brother. She has to remain on speaking terms
with you. You live together.
CracKing: Not for much longer. Thank God.
Oh, right. He's going away to college soon. Well, not too far away. About a hundred blocks or so.
FtLouie: That's right. You got accepted to Columbia. Early decision too. I never did congratulate you. So, congratulations.
CracKing: Thanks.
FtLouie: You must be happy that you'll know at least one other person there. Judith Gershner,
I mean.
CracKing: Yeah, I guess so. Listen, you're still going to be in town for the Winter Carnival, right? I mean, you're not leaving for Genovia before the 18th, are you?
All I could think was, Why is he asking me this? I mean, he can't be going to ask me to the dance. He must know I'm going with Kenny. I mean, if Kenny ever gets around to asking me, that is. Besides, it isn't as if Michael is available. Isn't he going with Judith? Well? ISN'T HE?
FtLouie: I'm leaving for Genovia on the 19th.
CracKing: Oh, good. Because you should really stop by the Computer Club's booth at the Carnival and check out this program I've been working on. I think you'll like it.
I should have known. Michael isn't going to ask me to any dance. Not in this lifetime, anyway. I should have known it was just his stupid computer program he wanted me to see. Who even cares? I suppose dumb Army guys will pop out at me, and I'll have to shoot them or whatever. Judith's idea.
I'm sure.
I wanted to write to him, Don't you have the slightest idea what I'm going through? That the only person whom
I can see myself committing to for all eternity is YOU? Don't you KNOW that by now????
But instead I wrote:
FtLouie: Can't wait. Well, I have to go. Bye.
Sometimes I completely hate myself.
Wednesday; December 9, 3 a.m.
You're never going to believe this. Something Grandmere said is keeping me awake.
Seriously. I was dead asleep - well, as asleep as you can be with a twenty-five-pound cat purring on your abdomen — when all of a sudden I woke up with this totally random phrase going around in my head:
'Well, you're his girlfriend now, aren't you?'
That's what Grandmere said when I asked her what was so ingenious about Kenny having sent me those anonymous love letters.
And do you know what?
SHE'S RIGHT.
It seems totally bizarre to admit that Grandmere might be right about something, but I think it's true. Kenny's anonymous love letters DID work. I mean, I AM his girlfriend now.
So what's to keep me from writing some anonymous love letters to the boy / like? I mean, really? Besides the fact that I
already have a boyfriend, and the guy I like already has a girlfriend?
I think this is a plan that might have some merit. It needs further work, of course, but hey, desperate measures call for desperate times. Or something like that. Too sleepy to figure it out.