I nod, understanding clearing the fog in my brain. Of course she’s afraid I’ll ruin her little brother. She’s afraid I’ll not stick around and just leave a wreck in my wake. The thing is, I don’t want to see Duke out of my life any time soon. I just have to find a way to tell him that and to fight against my instincts still screaming at me sometimes to go away and stay on my own to never be disappointed or hurt by anybody. The thing that is different, though, is that now I know it would never be a life. And that’s not what I really want anymore.
“I know he feels guilty about Juliet’s death and I know she was not only his girlfriend but also his best friend. He told me everything,” I reply, my voice carrying the sadness I still feel whenever I think about her. I may be still a little jealous about her, but I also feel sad for her and Duke. It’s tragic.
She nods, now smiling with relief. I’m sure he never talks about this part of his life but he does with me. It’s difficult and comes little by little, but he’s opening up to me. “He told you about the guilt he feels?”
I nod and uncross my arms, placing my elbows on my knees. “He did, but he’s still very discreet about his self-destructive period afterward. He told me you all thought he’d never make it to his twenty-first birthday, though.”
She shivers and her eyes well up. God, she’s still suffering for her brother. I extend a hand and pat her knee clumsily. It’s so clear that I’m not the touchy feely kind of person, but her broad smile lets me know she appreciates the gesture. That’s the most important thing.
“It was a rough period, and I’m still not sure he’s clear of it.” She sighs and picks up the water bottle to have a sip. “Our parents want to think he’s perfectly well and all, but I’m not so sure. That’s why I’m here. You’re a wonderful girl and you are dealing with awful things, too, so you need someone stable to support you. What if my brother can’t be that person?”
“I’d never hurt Duke!” I exclaim, my eyes wide open at the very idea of such a thing. I can’t hurt anyone. Just thinking that I may be the reason of any kind of pain chokes me.
She holds up her hands. “I know that, but are you sure you’re ready for a relationship? My brother is head over heels for you. I never heard him talk about a girl like that. Ever. He wants to be there for you, he wants to fight the odds, but I want to be sure that you’re on the same page. You don’t even know what kind of power you have over Duke. He plays the big guy and all, but he’s always been a sensitive kid. You could crush him. You are the one thing that could heal him or kill his last hopes.”
It’s hard to breathe now. I swallow with difficulty. The lump in my throat feels thick and growing, but I know it’s all in my head. I always imagined Duke to be the kind of guy who could overcome anything, who is strong enough to stand up no matter what, but his sister is opening my eyes more than I wanted to. I’m not the only one putting myself between his hands. It’s in both ways and it’s frightening. But it’s also beautiful to know that he really cares about me enough to risk everything.
“I don’t know what will happen between me and Duke, and I can’t promise you anything. I can’t assure you I won’t ever hurt him nor can he assure me the same thing. Relationships are unpredictable just like life. Though, I can tell you that I never thought it’d be possible for me to meet someone like him, someone able to see through me and to just make my heart beat frantically from feelings and not from fear. I can’t stay away from him.”
She nods, but I can still see the fear in her eyes. I can’t promise her anything because we don’t know what might happen. After all, we don’t know what tomorrow will bring and it’s the same for my relationship with her brother. Life is unpredictable, but I am willing to take some risks because what I have with Duke is worth it, and we both deserve it.
“He’s afraid to lose you, you know that?”
“He told me,” I tell her, my voice feeble, “but I’m not going anywhere.”
“That’s what I wanted to hear,” she says with a smile that almost makes the fear vanish from her eyes. She’s his older sister; she wants to take care of her brother. It’s the beauty of a close family. It’s because his family cares so much that he is able to live his life again even after his world and future seemed lost.
* * *
Are you at your place?
I hit send and bite my lip. His sister left half an hour ago and now I’m dying to see him. To hell with my fears of letting him know that I’m not about to change my mind any time soon. I want him and even if it’s frightening, even if I may not be completely ready for a relationship, I want him. Now … and tomorrow, and all the following days.
Yes. Are you coming over?
I smile and put on my leather jacket in a hurry at his answer. We’re not texting sweet little words or putting XOs at the end of our texts, but it doesn’t mean that we’re not feeling anything. We’re treading carefully even though we’re both on the same page. It’s almost laughable. Or maybe it’s just me being all giddy, ridiculous and also kind of crazy from lack of sleep.
I’m on my way.
I close and lock the door behind me, feeling lighter knowing he’s ready to see me and maybe even anxious to talk about us. I want to let things play out; I want to just enjoy our time together. For once, I’m willing to forget about my control, my need for predictable things. I just want to live and feel. I want to learn to be happy with him.
I run down the three flights of stairs and inhale the spring air. It’s good to not feel alone, to know that other people care about you besides your family. It’s also incredible to think about how it all begun. We could almost think it was from a bad romantic comedy. I laugh to myself.
“Happy you got laid by that low life?”
I stop. I’m halfway from my building to Duke’s. I look around, seeing nobody except the scowl on Sean’s face. I shake my head, thinking that by some miracle he’d disappear, that it’s just my mind playing some kind of trick on me because I’m finally truly happy. Unfortunately, he’s really here in front of me, and he’s holding a knife in his right hand.
“You’re going to follow me to my car without making a sound. You’ll listen to me carefully or else you’ll die here alone. Do I make myself clear?”
I nod, my hair flying in the light wind, distracting me from the view of the knife. It’s not that big of a thing, but the deadly shape and the grip Sean has on it says enough. I never was prone to fearing knives and such, but now it’s another story. I can’t even find enough oxygen in my staggered breathing to not faint, or to scream ... I’m passive like every time I’m confronted by Sean. When will I learn to do something against him? When?
“Perfect.” He waves to his car not far from us. I can’t believe I didn’t see it earlier. It’s one hell of a reminder of how I should be more careful of my surroundings. I can’t believe I forgot this principle. “Now get in.”
I follow his instructions like a zombie and feel trapped when he closes the car door behind me. It’s been a long time, or so it feels, since I felt like this. My breathing is loud in the little space; my hands are shaking and my mind is telling me what an idiot I am to have put my cell in my bag instead of keeping it in my hand.
Sean climbs behind the steering wheel and extends his free hand, transferring his knife from his right hand to his left one. “Your phone? You won’t be calling your tattooed hero to your rescue. Not this time. This time, you’re all mine for old time’s sake.”
I can’t move, my right side is glued to the locked door. “What are you going to do to me?” I whisper, my voice breaking halfway through my sentence.
His nostrils flare, his smirk punches me in the gut, and his glare strips me bare. “You’ll see, but don’t worry … when I’ve finished with you you’ll never give your tattooed jerk the time of day. You’ll be way too broken for him. Or anyone.”
Tears begin to fall silently as the engine comes to life, driving me away. While I focused on being happy, I forgot for just a brief moment where I’ve come from. That was my first mistake. I’m shaking from my head to my toes, and breathing so loudly that I can barely hear the noise of the engine. I hide my hands in my sleeves, my fingers clawing tightly at the thin fabric. God, what is he going to do to me?
Chapter Seventeen
I don’t know where I am. At one point during the drive, I tried to veer the car off the road but it was all for nothing. I just got hit in the face three times before falling unconscious.
I can’t see anything; it must be late. Through the half condemned windows—too high for me to see through the tiny spaces between the planks of wood—the street lights break the darkness with dots of yellow and orange. The smell is musky and saturated by dirt. I cough, the sound echoing in the empty space. My eyes sting from all the dirt, but also from the pain in my face. The fear is making my heart beat so loud and fast that I can feel it in my ears, drowning out any other sounds that could give away where I am.
I lean against the nearest wall and touch the left side of my face where Sean hit me. As I whimper, tears fall down my face. I’m so cold; my whole body is shaking but I’m not sure it’s actually that cold tonight. I’m in shock.
My fingers catch a trail of blood on my temple and I wince. The bastard hit me until I bled! God, if he did this it means he’s not afraid of the consequences of leaving such marks on me. My breath hitches. What is he going to do to me? Oh God. I dry heave, gasping and dizzy. I have to stay focused.
Duke must know something’s wrong. After all, I texted him just before Sean abducted me; he knew I was on my way to see him, and it’s been several hours. He must know something happened to me and called Kate and Derek. I’m sure the police must be looking for me and are investigating the only possibility. Sean. They’ll find me. They have to. Please, somebody must be coming.
Unfortunately, I am
not a minor anymore. Will they wait twenty-four hours or more before doing anything? I’m beginning to panic. My imagination runs wild. God! I can’t stay here that long. With him! I can’t. He could do so much. Too much. Way too much.
I have to bite back a scream that is building from deep inside of me. If there’s one time in my life I need to stay calm instead of letting the panic win, it’s now.
A chill runs down my spine and shakes me. Slowly moving along the wall, my sweater catches on something. I pull and I hear the fabric tear. The cold air penetrates my skin through a hole in the fabric. Leaning on the wall to help me in the dark, my aching muscles are screaming. I take a deep breath and straighten myself, ready to look for a possible escape route.
Blind, I walk along the wall, the palm of my shaky right hand scratching against it and cobwebs, catching between my fingers. Nothing. There’s nothing beside dirt, cobwebs and what I think is old wood scattered on the ground. I almost fall several times because of it.
“Where is the fucking door?” My unsteady voice sounds tiny, almost childlike in this hostile environment. New tears fall, more desperate.
On the other wall, my hands finally meet something that makes me smile through my tears. Wood, but this time it’s a door. I push, pull, hit it with the full weight of my body but it doesn’t budge. I don’t know how he’s secured it, but I won’t be able to open it by myself. There’s not even a knob or a lock. I punch it with all my strength, fear and frustration giving me power, my knuckles grazed and bleeding from the assault on the damn thing.
I scream in anger. Just once. I let myself lose it this one time because it’s not over. I can’t give up and I won’t. Not this time.
My fingers are throbbing but I don’t care what state they are in. I’m already thinking of another way to get out of this hell hole, but there is only one other possibility. I’ll have to wait for Sean to come back and open the door. Maybe I can make a run for it, but I don’t know that I can out run him. If I want to see my friends and parents again, I don’t think I have much choice because I know where this is heading. I saw it in his eyes these last few months, but ignored the signs. He doesn’t plan on releasing me until he’s broken me beyond repair. If he releases me! That’s why he doesn’t care about my injuries being visible and not hidden under my clothes. He’s smart, he must have this all worked out and probably already has an alibi thought through.
He’s usually more careful with his urges, why now is he being so impulsive? I try to dry my damp face. Come on, I can’t give up. Not when I’ve got so many things I want to do, so many things I need to say to my parents and to Duke. I can’t let him win when I’ve got a life waiting for me, a life worth fighting for. He tried to ruin me, tried to scar me for life, but not again, not this time. I need to see Duke to tell him I love him and that I want to be with him. I need to see Kate and tell her that Derek is worth chancing her feelings for. I need to see my parents to tell them that I love them and that I’m finally finding happiness again. I need to see them all even if it’s just for one last time.
Suddenly the door opens and a flashlight blinds me, making fresh tears fall down my already damp cheeks. I bring both hands to my face. I can hear him coming toward me, his steps echoing in the vast room. I can’t see a thing; I can’t move.
When he grabs my left arm, his fingers dig into my skin so hard I whimper. “Now that I’m back, let’s have some fun,” he says in my left ear. His breath smells like he drank a full bottle of hard liquor, and I think I’m going to puke. He pulls at my hair … hard. My head goes back, exposing my neck to him. He hits me behind the head with the flashlight. Small dots of color splash my vision but my eyes are seeing again. I see Sean’s face going toward my neck and just before I close my eyes, his firm lips touch my skin. His tongue darts out and tastes my skin and I whimper again. At the sound, he bites hard on the crook of my neck. “You. Are. Mine,” he says between open-mouthed kisses.