I look away from my cell phone and turn back to my open laptop, where I’ve just emailed my parents. I didn’t want to talk over the phone today. I’m a nervous wreck with Sean’s birthday and I don’t want to have to act like everything is fine with them. I don’t want to lie even by omission.
Kate saw that I was on edge today and she tried to make me talk, but I was rude to her and told her I was fine, which I’m obviously not. It’s enough of my bad mood for one day.
Yes.
I hit send and throw my phone down on the bed, my mind set on not answering any more texts from Duke. I have to focus on my notes before class and more than anything else, I need to try and forget temporarily what almost happened with him. One night spent rehearsing the thing is enough.
A knock at the door makes me groan. If it’s yet another guy for Kate, I don’t know what I’m going to do. Only this morning, two guys have called and asked to see Kate. They’re clueless if they think they’ll have any luck taming her into a real relationship with them.
Opening the door with more force than I intended, I look up and frown. I wasn’t expecting Duke here. His eyes are questioning. He doesn’t look like his usual laid back self today. In his left hand, his leather jacket is almost touching the ground. His right hand is braced against the entrance. The sleeves of his brown shirt are rolled over his elbow, displaying his tattoo sleeve on one arm and the Native American style feathers on the other. His necklace is visible over his shirt this time and I’m hit with a thought that punches me hard in the gut.
His necklace represents infinity. Is it related to Juliet? Is it something she gave him? Or worse, something he gave her? I swallow hard and walk back to my bed. He follows me inside and closes the door behind him.
“You don’t look happy to see me,” he says uneasily. He sits on Kate’s bed and not on mine, something he never does anymore. I guess he feels the gaping hole between us right now. “I think we need to talk about what happened yesterday.”
I shake my head and clear my throat. “Nothing happened.”
He tugs on his hair and then brushes his goatee. I shiver at the memory of the feel of his whiskers against the crook of my neck, all raspy on my soft skin. I have to control myself. I clench my hands in tight fists, my nails digging into my palms painfully. It clears my head enough to lock my eyes with his intense ones.
“Something happened,” he replies, his voice harder than earlier. He’s not ready to let this be in the past. He’s too stubborn for the sake of our friendship and I don’t know if he’s realized it yet. “You may not want to face it, but something did happen.”
I roll my eyes and wave him off disdainfully. Like always, when I feel lost, I summon my inner bitch. “And tell me, what happened? We almost kissed. That’s all, Duke. No need to make a big deal out of it.”
He straightens his back and his hands clench too, but his fists are much more lethal than mine. I know he never would use them against me, but it makes my heart beat a little faster in my chest.
“So you’re trying to tell me that you didn’t want me, that—”
“Stop right here!” I cut him off before he can finish his sentence. I’m not ready to face anything and to have such a talk when I don’t even know if I’m prepared to have sex. Feeling desire and lust is one thing, but acting on it is something else entirely for me. “I don’t want to talk about this.”
“What if I want to?” he challenges me, one eyebrow up higher than the other one.
My eyes fall on his necklace and I swallow the bitterness and the fear back. “Then you should go and we will meet later like we always do.”
He laughs bitterly and stands up. His well-defined lips are not forming his dazzling smile but an irritating smirk that doesn’t look like him. “I’ll pass.” He just leaves me sitting on my bed, already feeling guilty for not listening to him when he’s trying to tell me something. My fears are still the big winner in my life.
I fall back on my bed and exhale. Maybe I should have told him why I can’t talk about this, but I’m not even ready to voice aloud that I do want to have sex with him. So talking about the near kiss ... it seems just out of reach right now.
* * *
I’m so glad the class is over. It was hard to focus on the lecture and not on Duke who looked at me just once and his glare is burnt in my memory. It killed me a little to see him angry and hurt, but it wasn’t my intention at all. He should know by now what a mess I am when it comes to people and how I see things. I’m barely able to not screw up my friendships, so dealing with this sexual tension building up between us ...
I walk faster, eyes cast down on the ground. Since coffee with Duke is out of the question, I plan to spend a couple of hours at the library to work on my sociology class. It’s not the easiest class for me.
I adjust my backpack on my shoulder without slowing down. I hate to be outside today. I feel like someone is looking at me, stalking me. I know I’m being paranoid, but knowing it doesn’t make the feeling disappear, nor is it easing my nerves.
“Are you not going to wish me a happy birthday?”
I stop and turn around. Maybe I wasn’t that paranoid. Sean is standing with his arms crossed over his chest; his cold blue eyes not leaving my face. I’m pretty sure I lost all my color as soon as my eyes landed on him. I glance quickly around us and sigh a little when I realize that we’re not alone. We’re right in the middle of a busy intersection between several buildings and the library. He won’t dare to touch me here.
“I don’t know why I should,” I reply calmly, proud that my voice is steady even if my hands are not. I grip the hem of my shirt and claw at it tightly.
“Maybe to apologize for the mess you made,” he replies, his words shooting me hard in my stomach. I’m so used to this tone, the tone he always used just before lashing out physically on me. “I’m on probation at my frat because you ran your slutty mouth.” He takes a step closer to me and I take one away. Then he laughs. The sound is awful, exactly what you can expect of a psychopath in a horror movie. “Afraid of me?”
I swallow and nod. I’d be an idiot to deny it. “What do you want?”
He clenches his fists. He’s shaking. The muscle in his jaw is jumping vigorously. He’s a breath away from losing it right here in the open. I can’t breathe. I think I’m going to hurl. I grit my teeth and suppress the urge to bolt.
“I’m telling you, warning you, that if you say anything else to anyone, what I did to you will be just an appetizer to what I’ll do. Don’t forget who you are. You’ve got your buddies to protect you, like that tattooed son of a bitch, but I can make you lose everything. I can make you suffer like you can’t even imagine. I’ll ruin your life before you ruin mine.”
I’m shaking from head to toe. I’ve never seen him like this, this look on his face. It’s much worse than I’ve ever seen before. He’s losing it and I’m dead scared of what he’s capable of doing to me. I don’t say a word; I can’t open my mouth. I’m just numb and lost. My mind is blank. As his retreating form disappears, I release the breath I was holding and feel dizzy. I put my hands on my thighs and inhale several times before taking in my surroundings. Tears stream down my face and I can’t keep them in.
I need to see Duke. I need him. That’s the only thing I’m able to think about. That’s the only thought that helps me to move, to walk again and not just crumble in front of everyone. I don’t care if people are looking at me crying silently, but I don’t want to break down like I feel I’m about to. I need someone able to comfort me, to understand me, and Duke is the only one I want to see right now.
I begin to run when his building appears from what seems to be too far away. I don’t care if I can’t breathe. I don’t care if my legs are so wobbly that they barely support me. I climb the three flights of stairs and knock wildly on his door, praying that he’s here.
My tears are flowing more and more and my breathing is getting louder, both from my run and my fear tearing me down. Then the door opens on Duke and his eyes widen when he sees my face, which is probably perfect for Halloween with my mascara running down my cheeks.
Grabbing my hands, he pulls me inside and against his body as soon as the door closes behind me. I’m so glad his roommate is never here because I couldn’t take it if someone witnessed me clawing at Duke’s brown shirt. In the quiet room my breathing is deafening and the more I hear my breathing, the more I’m freaking out.
“Shhh, Skye. I’m here.” His hands are brushing up and down my back but it’s not helping.
I close my eyes and snuggle my face against his firm chest where I hear his heart beating maddeningly fast. He’s freaking out, too. I want to tell him, but each time that I open my mouth a sob escapes me. I grit my teeth and will myself to stay quiet until I calm down.
“Just nod because I can’t stand not knowing what’s going on.” He clears his throat, chasing the wobble from his voice. “Did you see Sean?”
I tighten my grip on the front of his shirt and snuggle even closer. I nod once, my neck stiff. I’m beginning to breathe a little calmer. Barely, but it’s a step in the right direction. Duke’s heat is helping me. Even his smell of tobacco and clean clothes helps.
His hands stop wandering on my back and his fingers claw a little on my back. His breath catches. “Did he touch you?”
I shake my head vehemently and muster a very weak no, but he’s not relaxing. He takes a step away from me, putting both hands on my shoulders to keep me at arm’s length. I begin to hyperventilate again at the loss of his body against mine. My eyes widen and lock with his fierce ones.
“Tell me the truth, Skye.”
I put my hands on his bare forearms, covering parts of his tattoos, and shake my head again. “There were people around. He couldn’t.”
He releases a deep breath and nods before crushing me against him once more. With a hand behind my head to hold me close and the other on the small of my back, he leads me to his bed where we lie down. Slowly, I begin to match my breathing with his and my tears finally start to slow down. I don’t make a move to dry my damp face. I keep my head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat going back to normal. His arms are tight around me and it comforts me.
I know he wants to hear everything but he’s patient, respecting my need for time. He kisses the top of my head and plays with my hair with the hand behind my head. The other one is immobile on the small of my back.
“I don’t want to talk about it right now,” I say in a whisper, afraid for some reason to talk aloud.
“I know.” He brushes some strands from my face where they stick with the dampness left by my tears. “You’ll talk when you’re ready.”
His sweetness, the depth of his voice and the concern I can hear in his tone, almost brings me back to tears. “You shouldn’t have to deal with all of this,” I mumble against his chest, suddenly ashamed to break down in front of the only guy I may want and decide to have sex with. Seeing a girl cry like that because of a nutcase of ex is not a turn on at all.
“Don’t say that.” He tightens his arms around me, forcing my hips against his side. “I wouldn’t exchange places with anyone.”
“Why?”
He doesn’t say a word right away. I want to look up at his face to see what he’s thinking but I stay put. I don’t want to risk seeing the distance back between us. “Stay here tonight. I don’t want you out of my sight after seeing you like this.”
I tense but nod. I know I should go back to my room, but I don’t want to be away from him either. I need him, need his calm and the reassurance of his heat against me. “I have to tell Kate, though.”
“I’ll text her later. Don’t worry, try to sleep a little.”
It’s early. The sun is not even down but I’m exhausted now that I’m calm again. It’s like meeting Sean sucked all of the energy out of me, leaving me empty. I close my eyes and again see his threatening gaze and hear his words echo in my head. God, I’m ashamed to have loved him. How is it even possible? Was I that blind?
Duke strokes my back and his breathing soothes me into sleep.
* * *
Waking up in a bed that is not mine and finding myself captive in strong arms is frightening at first, but as soon as the sleepiness leaves me, I find a foreign peace settling inside of me. His breath against my bare neck is soft, sweet, and gives me goose bumps all over. The strength in his arms around me makes me feel secure yet fragile in the best way possible. His chest firmly pressed against my back warms me from head to toe.
I’ve never woken up in a guy’s arms before. With Sean, we could never spend a night alone together. Being in high school didn’t offer us any privacy and I wasn’t prepared to find a way to spend a whole night alone with him when in just an hour he could do awful things to me. Even sex was dreadful for quite some time. But I did it with him, too afraid of what he’d say if I refused him. Maybe that’s also why I can’t picture myself having sex anymore, even if I want to. I don’t even remember what it’s like to truly enjoy it.
Duke shifts and groans near my ear. I stiffen and I feel his body tense, too; his arms tightening their grip before releasing me slowly. His breathing is not as slow and peaceful. He’s awake and I feel a long lost feeling in my belly. Blind desire!
“Are you awake?” he asks me softly, his voice rough from sleep. His breath brushes away some of my hair, making me shiver slightly, but enough for him to feel it.