“It’s fine. After all, one step is to acknowledge what happened and not just ignore it or hide it.” I give him a reassuring smile despite how badly I’m shaking. He must be able to feel it now that my body is so close to him. His arm tightens around me and he kisses the top of my head. His mother and sister sigh contently. His father nods proudly. Poor them, they think he’s healed from Juliet’s death and he’s moving on with his love life. Maybe once they understand my past they’ll see why we are not a couple and never will be. I clear my throat again. “I was in an abusive relationship until the beginning of the year when my boyfriend broke up with me. He used to hit me and humiliate me whenever we were alone. He left me alone for several months, but as soon as I began to go to parties and hang out with Duke, he came back and beat me again several times. Duke understood what was happening and that’s how we became friends.”
Duke’s mother brings a hand to her mouth forming a big O. His sister blinks several times. His father clenches his fists and looks at his son. I’m sure they weren’t expecting this when they asked to meet me. I laugh bitterly; not at all sure it was a good idea to disclose the truth. After all, I wanted them to see me as me and not as the broken me. Which is ridiculous because I am broken.
My eyes fill with tears and my vision becomes too blurry to even see my plate. My shoulders slump, and Duke brings his hand under my chin and forces me to look him in the eyes, but I can’t see him through my unshed tears.
“Excuse us, but I think we need to get some fresh air,” he says, helping me to stand up.
“Of course. Take your time,” his mother says, her voice not as bright as earlier. I really killed the mood.
“Come on,” he whispers to me, ushering me to the front door and out. He clasps my hand in his big one and leads me to his car. I lean against it and release the breath I wasn’t even aware I was holding. He stands in front of me, blocking my view of the house.
“I’m really sorry. Maybe it was too soon to be so honest like that,” I say weakly, my voice shaking along with my body.
“Remember what I told you. Never apologize for your son of a bitch ex,” he says, not even trying to muster a smile that we both know would be as fake as me trying to play it cool when I told his family about Sean. He cups my cheek in his hand and dries the tears that begin to fall quietly. The contact of his skin sends a shiver against mine but it’s almost lost among the shaking I’m still experiencing.
“Not everything is his fault, Duke. I’m the one who can’t help but cry when I talk about him. I’m the one barely able to acknowledge what happened. I’m the one who hates to see the look on people’s faces change when they know about it. I’m responsible, too.” My voice is getting stronger, louder. My eyes don’t leave his.
His hand on my cheek glides behind my head, into my wild hair, and onto the nape of my neck. “I know that, but you’re in this situation because of him. You’re dealing with it at your own speed and I don’t think you realize how amazingly well you’re doing. You’re brave and strong. You no longer just listen to your fears. You’re fighting, and it’s incredible to see.”
I chuckle bitterly, but stop when he leans into me, his breath brushing my face delicately, the light breeze around us disappears. His lips come closer to me and I don’t know what to do or what to think. I’m not really able to think, in fact. My breath staggers, my hands clench against my body and my tears don’t fall anymore. My eyes stay focused on his well-defined lips, he just moistened slightly and he kisses ... my forehead. He’s kissing my forehead. I got all worked up because he was leaning down to kiss my forehead to comfort me. I’m being ridiculous imagining things like his eyes darkening with desire when it’s probably concern and the remnants of anger toward Sean. I’m such an idiot!
“You’re much more than you give yourself credit for.” He inhales me in and I shiver violently. He squeezes my shoulder with his free hand and I think he knows it’s not from my revelation to his family but due to his closeness. “You mean more to me than you think,” he adds lower, almost in a whisper close to my ear. His breath travels down my exposed neck and along my cleavage. I shiver again and this time his breathing catches. It’s not my imagination I’m sure.
His grip on my shoulder tightens. His other hand behind my head caresses me softly and I sigh. “Touch me, Skye.” His voice is rough, almost sounding like a groan.
My arms seem to weigh a ton. Or maybe it’s because I’m feeling numb and yet so extremely aware of Duke against me, his body a breath away from mine. Slowly, I bring my arms up and put my palms against his chest. I can feel his heart beating strongly under my hand and my eyes stay there, amazed that I’m not the only one affected. I don’t move my hands; they remain on the soft fabric of his navy blue hoodie.
He releases a deep breath and leans against me, his body flush against mine, only separated by our clothes and my hands. He hangs his head down and puts his chin against the crook of my neck and inhales me in again. His hand on my shoulder travels down slowly, maddeningly slowly to the small of my back, his fingers splayed there.
Without even realizing what I’m doing, I move my hands and hug him closer to me, feeling his hard chest against my body. My hands are splayed on his broad back; I can’t bring myself to tighten my grip on him, but it’s still more daring than I thought I could do. He’s more compelling to me than the issues that are still trying to pull me down.
He brings his head back up, towering over me with all his height, not releasing me from his embrace. His hands are still on my lower back and on my neck. I’m trapped between him and his car, but I’m not intimidated. I’m ... I think I’m turned on!
At the thought, my eyes fall on his slightly parted lips. “Don’t look at me like that, Skye,” he growls, his hand on my lower back, forcing me even closer to him. I didn’t know it was possible, but now that I feel the buckle of his belt against my stomach and the definition of his muscles, I know I was wrong.
“Like what?” My voice is husky, more so than usual. My desire is so audible that it makes me blush.
His frown deepens and he bites his lower lip. Hard. God, what are we doing? “Shit. Your voice is so sexy,” he whispers, his eyes falling on my mouth. He leans down, and this time I’m sure I’m not imagining his intensions.
His head is coming toward my face slowly, building the excitement and eagerness in me. He’s a real tease and I’m not surprised. He’s used to this game with all the girls he’s had to try to forget Juliet.
“Wait,” I say, my arms falling back against my body, limply. He snaps back to his senses and jumps away from me like I’m burning him.
“I don’t know what’s gotten into me,” he says, blinking several times like he’s trying to chase away a bad dream. “We should go back inside.”
I nod and tug on the sleeves of Kate’s shirt, already sure I ruined it but I can’t help it. It’s one thing to realize it’s a mistake, but it’s another thing entirely when he’s acting like it was awful. He doesn’t even dare to look at me. It’s so humiliating. I try to ease my frown and adopt a more composed expression when we walk back into the dining room and take our seat. I even manage to throw a conversation, breaking the heavy atmosphere and talking about what I should visit in Seattle since I’m not from here. We talked about Boston, my hometown. Duke keeps quiet the entire time, his eyes downcast. His parents and sister take a quick look at him several times, concern written on their faces. They don’t seem that surprised by his behavior.
Chapter Twelve
As soon as I get back to the dorm I see Kate sprawled on her bed reading another of her erotic books. I sit next to her, looking for some kind of comfort her presence can give me. “You won’t believe this,” I say, anger lacing my words.
She closes her book, putting a blank piece of paper to mark the page in it. Sitting up, she leans against the wall, her shoulder bumping against mine playfully. “Meeting the parents no fun then?” She giggles, but stops suddenly when she meets my glare.
“His family was great even though they think we’re an item. They wouldn’t listen to a word we said, but they are very sweet and obviously care about Duke very much.” I can’t help the little smile that creeps across my face at the thought of his sister and mother giving me a big hug before we left. His father didn’t hug me, but he squeezed my shoulder warmly and gave me a smile that could almost put his son’s to shame.
“I put my money on your tattooed TA then.” The twinkle in her eyes doesn’t match my mood at all. She’s enjoying herself a little too much for all the crap going on between Duke and me.
“It’s not funny, Kate.” I sigh, beginning to relax a little now that I have some distance from Duke and his mixed signals and his silence. I mean, the guy didn’t mutter a single word—not even good-bye—the whole drive back to the dorms. It’s not like I did anything wrong at his parents’ house.
“I’m sorry,” she apologizes, more serious now that she sees how frustrated I am. “If you need to talk, I’m all ears.”
Leaning my head against the wall, I bring my hands over my face before placing them on my thighs. “I need your expertise with guys to help me understand Duke because right now I don’t have a fucking clue what’s going on.”
Her eyebrows shoot up at hearing me curse. I don’t curse very often, but she knows by now that when I do, it means things are really messed up. “Okay,” she says slowly, shifting to get a better look at my distressed face.
“Long story short, I told his family about Sean and I was about to break down in front of them so Duke took me outside and we almost kissed.” I hold up my hand when I see her open her mouth to say something that I can only imagine is along the lines of ‘I told you so’, but she closes her mouth without a word. “It was ... yeah, it was hot, all right. Like, hot enough to almost make me forget about everything. And what he said!” I ramble, barely able to finish my sentence. My voice is breathier than ever. Just thinking about it and telling Kate about it turns me on all over again.
She is almost bouncing on her butt. Her eyes are dancing with excitement. “What did he say?”
“That I don’t know how much I mean to him, that my voice is sexy, and … and he even asked me to touch him,” I whisper, unsure if I should reveal so much, unsure if I should think too much about it.
“Where?” she asks me even giddier, her lush lips forming a broad smile.
I look at her funny and shake my head. “What do you mean where?”
“Where did he ask you to touch him? His ass? His ju—”
“Whoa, whoa!
No
… nothing like that, Kate!” I cut her off and feel my face getting hot with embarrassment. “You’re such a perv!”
She bursts out laughing and nudges my shoulder playfully, tears falling from her laughing green eyes. “God, sorry but you sounded so freaked that I thought it was more than a near kiss experience with the hot TA,” she says between laughing and I join her.
I feel the last remnant of tension deserting my body and I sigh, calming down. “I’m such an idiot.” I brush away errant strands of hair over my left shoulder. “That’s when I know I’m really not ready for anything remotely physical with a guy, even a guy I’m friends with.”
She frowns a little at my words but doesn’t press the issue. Instead, she says something so serious and so sad about me and Duke that any relief our laughter brought to my current situation disappears. “That’s the problem when two broken people are attracted to each other and share a true connection. It doesn’t mean you can’t have some kind of relationship with each other, but it does mean you have to fight against your issues to get there and he’s not used to it. He sleeps around when he needs to and you haven’t put your own sexual needs first in a very long time. However, now that you two are finally getting somewhere you may both be ready. Taking a risk and seeing where it’s going is the only thing you can do. Don’t overanalyze everything and don’t freak out. He’s your friend and he might be as confused as you are about all of this.”
I mull over what she just told me and groan, which makes her giggle again. “That’s the thing. Maybe we’re attracted to each other because we told each other things we can’t tell anyone else. Maybe that’s not even sexual interest.”
She shrugs and stands up to grab a new pack of M&Ms. Ripping them open, three little sweets fall on her comforter. She grabs them and pops them in her mouth. After she extends the pack to me, I grab a handful. She’s getting me addicted to these things. “It’s sexual attraction but laced with something else.”
“Which is?” I ask after I swallow the M&Ms.
“That’s something I can’t answer. I’m not the one in this thing. I’m just an observer.”
I scrunch up my nose at her and groan again. I’m turning into a grunting idiot. At least it takes my thoughts somewhere else, even if Sean is still tucked away somewhere in my mind. I didn’t tell Kate or Duke, but Sean’s birthday is tomorrow and I’m pretty sure he won’t be able to stay away from me. So yeah, it may be pathetic of me to focus on this ridiculous situation with Duke, but it keeps me a little saner. Okay, I think I need more sugar now.
* * *
Are you in your room?
I freeze, my cell phone in my hand and my eyes glued on Duke’s text. It’s Monday, just an hour before psychology class. I thought I might hear from him after class, maybe even grab a coffee together like we often do, but that’s when we’re on speaking terms. But not now.