Only Love (31 page)

Closing my eyes, I let go of her slowly, and then moved away from her completely. Without words, I left her and went into the bathroom. I came back with a warm towel to wipe her down, and she lay there, sheet covering her and a worry in her gaze.

I couldn’t even look at her. Lowering the sheet, she let me clean her off, and I felt a pang of disgust at what I’d just done to her.

“What’s wrong, Adam?” she asked closing her legs.

The way she was looking at me, like she did something wrong, crushed me more. I tossed the towel in my hamper and turned my back to her, choosing to sit on the edge of the bed. Her hand touched me and I nearly cringed. It wasn’t like I didn’t want her to touch me. I just didn’t feel I had the right to anymore.

“Adam?”

“We didn’t use a condom,” I said. Releasing a breath, I pressed my hands over my mouth.

The room fell silent, a clear awkwardness passing between us. Her legs came into my vision as she tossed them over the side of the bed, choosing to sit next to me. She squeezed my shoulder, resting her chin there. “It’s okay. I’ll, um…” she paused, chewing her lip. “I’ll go out to the drug store today. Get something and take care of it.”

I knew exactly what she meant by that. Taking care of it with an over-the-counter drug. The shame overtook me even more.

“We both forgot, Adam,” she continued, squeezing my shoulder. “It’s not a big deal. I don’t want it to be an issue because it isn’t. It was just a lapse in judgment. Not just you, but me too. I wanted you.”

She pressed a kiss to my shoulder and I closed my eyes again, sighing.

“A lapse in judgment,” I said more to myself but she answered.

“Yeah.”

She moved her arms around me, but I couldn’t bring myself to return the affection. I only laughed lightly, a dry humorous sound. “I seem to keep having those, don’t I?”

I looked at her and I knew instantly what I just did. I caused her to feel uncomfortable. I touched her fingers and attempted to release her from me but she wouldn’t let me, and squeezing me, she leaned in, whispering in my ear. “I know what it feels like to hold guilt. To blame yourself for events you had no control over.”

Shutting my eyes, I closed out the tears that had somehow returned, the ones I broke down into last night right in front of her. I squeezed a hand over my eyes and that only brought her closer to me.

“The accident wasn’t your fault, Adam,” she said. “And I know you feel like you should, but you can’t take on that responsibility. Abigail—”

Hearing her name sent a tremor inside my chest. I turned my head from Aubrey. “But I did do this to her. I
crippled
her.”

She pressed her hands to my cheeks and when she shook her head, tears fell from her eyes and onto my arm. With her thumb, she wiped mine away. “You weren’t behind the wheel. You’re not the universe. You’re feeling guilty; torturing yourself won’t change what happened. Won’t turn back time. You have to let yourself forgive yourself, Adam. You have to let yourself heal.”

Gripping her wrist, I sniffed, dampening my mouth. “But how can I? How…?”

I shook my head and she stopped me with her hands. “I went to Javi’s vigil last night.”

Blinking, her words surprised me. “I had no idea.”

She nodded. “I was glad I did. I saw his family. Saw the same struggle I was going through. The struggle I was making myself go through alone.”

Her voice cracked and I brought her into my lap. I did so naturally, easily as I felt that’s where she should be. She put her arms around my neck, laying her forehead against my temple. “The last conversation I had with him was terrible, Adam. I hear it every day.
Kill
myself with it over and over. He died with those thoughts in his head. Those words I said…”

Bringing her closer, I buried my face into the crook of her neck, and she kissed my cheek, running her hands through my hair as she did.

“But I forgave myself last night,” she continued. “I shouldn’t carry the burden of his death, something I had no control over, and I realize that now. It was foolish of me to do so in the first place, and it was cruel of me to feel sorry for loving you. Because I can’t, Adam. I can’t stop loving you. I can’t be ashamed for loving you. Not when it’s changed so much inside me. Not when it’s one of the best things that’s ever happened to me and for my daughter. I can’t hate myself for it. Being with you makes me happy, and I refuse to feel shame for that.”

Her words squeezed my heart and she lifted my head in her hands, again wiping my eyes. “Forgive yourself,” she said, placing a hand on my heart and ultimately Abby’s cross. She had given it to me at the hospital after her accident. She told me not to be sad because she was alive. She was okay and she wanted me to be. She didn’t like seeing me sad and that’s all I’d been doing, wallowing in myself for so long, burdening myself. I hadn’t been okay. I hadn’t and that’s all my daughter had wanted. The only wish she had for me before my ex-wife took her away.

“Forgive yourself,” Aubrey said again.

Shifting her on my lap, I had her straddle me and I let myself bask in her warmth, her love. Kissing her, I wrapped my arms around her waist. It might take some time and I would admit that. I couldn’t change things overnight, but with Aubrey in my arms, by my side, I finally felt something I hadn’t before. That it was possible for myself.

Forgiveness.

 The days had grown shorter, the trees now bare as a chill took over the air. A thick, white blanket of snow covered the entire city. It looked like a completely different place. The streets were quiet most days and everyone seemed to be in the holiday spirit, reminding me why I loved this time of year. It was just hard to feel anything but joy during the Christmas season—although Christmas being just a day away wasn’t the only reason my heart felt so full. It was because of Adam. Because of the happiness we’d found.

We watched the seasons change together—summer to autumn, autumn to winter—as our commitment to one another, to this relationship, deepened. He made me feel as if none of the negativity had ever crept in between us, made me forget there was ever a period of separation. His love for me was that deep, that powerful. And mine for him. Once we reconciled, we never looked back. While Adam still technically had his own apartment in the building, he was mostly with Rissa and me, which all parties involved preferred. I felt safer at night having him there, and we both enjoyed getting Rissa tucked in together at bedtime. Then there was the added benefit of waking up to one another and just having him around. I loved it, loved
him.

He’d let me into his world, let me see a side of him I didn’t know existed before the night of his breakdown. This wasn’t something I took lightly. As someone who’s very guarded of her feelings, I gained so much more respect for Adam, for being man enough to make known what he perceived to be his flaws. But they were anything but that to me. They weren’t flaws at all. His past just made him human. Every day, he went to work and was quite literally someone’s hero. It made him feel like less than that when he couldn’t change what happened to his daughter. He could’ve easily fallen apart and succumbed to alcoholism or his own sadness, but he didn’t. He picked himself up instead, got sober and stayed that way, and I believed in my heart that a lot of that had to do with Abby. Despite how he’d felt for a time, Adam had so much to be proud of, so much to be grateful for. And I believe he was starting to see that.

Finally.

I’d decided to brave the busy streets alone to finish the last of the Christmas shopping. By some small miracle I’d made it home safely despite the driving conditions. Adam had tried several times to convince me that I should let him take me around, but I insisted he stay home and enjoy his day off. Besides, there were a few things I wanted to buy without him around—for him
and
someone else.

Although he’d been banned from my shopping trip, he wasn’t without assignment. With guests due to arrive for dinner at six, he volunteered to help Rissa put toys away and to vacuum the living room and hallway for me. All I’d have left to do when I got back home was cook.

I made it into the downstairs lobby and balanced my bags, trying not to slip as the snow melted off my boots, creating puddles on the tile. I pressed the button for the elevator and waited, silently thanking Adam for getting on the superintendent, and
staying
on him for the entire three weeks it took to get a technician in to fix it. Life was so much easier not having to trudge up several flights of stairs when I had heavy groceries and a baby on my arm. That’d gotten old
quickly.

I stepped off the elevator and made my way down the hall. The second Adam heard me fumbling with the keys, he hurried from wherever he was inside my apartment to come let me in. The lock disengaged and I laughed when he opened up with Rissa perched up his shoulders. Her hands were nearly covering his eyes as she held on for dear life, clearly not putting all her trust in that one hand Adam had around her leg. With the hand that wasn’t balancing Rissa, he took the shopping bags from me and stooped down a few inches for a kiss as I passed through the door.

“Mommyyyy!”

I grabbed Rissa’s hand and kissed it, smiling at the sound of how clear her words were becoming. She amazed me almost daily with the new words she’d picked up. “Hey, baby!”

I paused and looked around, addressing Adam next. “Looks like you two have been having fun without me,” I said with a smile, looking around at the mess he and Rissa made in my absence—crayons and coloring books on the coffee table, a few dolls on the couch, and Rissa’s fake food that went to her kitchen set on the TV stand.

“I promise we
did
clean up like I said we would,” he explained with a grin. “But we just um… pulled them back out ‘cause we weren’t quite done having fun with them yet.”

I shook my head at his explanation and believed every word of it. He loved playing with Rissa, enjoyed seeing her get excited when he’d get down on the floor, on her level, to do the things she loved. She really did get a kick out of him. I imagined there’d be plenty of tea parties and hairstyling/makeup sessions in Adam’s future if he continued to let Rissa have her way with him in the upcoming years.

Years
.

I’d love to see us make it that far.

 My eyes went to Rissa, that big grin on her face as she peered down at me from Adam’s shoulders. She was so happy. They both were.

“Let’s ask Mommy what she bought us!” Adam teased, trying to peek inside one of my bags.

I tapped his hand away playfully and shot him a look. “Nope! Not until tomorrow morning. I don’t play when it comes to Christmas. It’s the best time of year and should be treated as such.”

Adam took Rissa from his shoulders and into his arms, mocking my last statement in a high-pitched voice meant to sound like me. I bumped him with my hip and was gathered into his arms the next second, Rissa on one side, me on the other. My lips grazed his chin lightly before I finally melted into him.

“You’re freezing,” he commented, rubbing his hand down my arms just beneath the hem of my shirt. Rissa wriggled from his grasp, then ran to her dolls and Adam consumed me completely, sending a surge of warmth through my entire body.

“It’s crazy out there,” I said, letting my eyes drift closed as we embraced in the middle of the living room. “You should’ve seen how fast people were still driving even with it snowing like it is.”

The side of my cheek warmed with another kiss. “I should’ve just driven you like I wanted to.”

I braced my hands against his chest and moved away. “Nope. I had things to do and I know how you like to snoop.”

He shrugged and followed behind me as I led the way to my bedroom, bags in hand. “What can I say? I’m a cop. I get paid to be observant.”

That made me chuckle. “Observant? There’s a big difference between being observant and what
you
are, Adam. You’re definitely nosey.”

“Is that what you think?” he asked as I set the bags down on the floor. I screeched when I was softly tackled to the bed, laughing as Adam nibbled the side of my neck, his stubble tickling my skin.

“Stop!” I screamed when I caught my breath, giggling way too hard for him to take me seriously. “That’s it; I’m taking your gifts back,” I warned. He didn’t listen, just gently dug his fingers into my side until I screamed out again. Rissa came running into the room, getting a kick out of my reaction, which egged Adam on. I was sure the next several seconds of torture were solely for Rissa’s amusement.

“You’re supposed to be on Mommy’s side!” I yelled out, reasoning with my almost two year-old daughter. Laughing and clapping her hands excitedly, she ignored my plea, coming closer to wriggle her tiny fingers on my arm to tickle me, too—her way of helping Adam.

The attack finally came to an end and I lay there on my back panting. Rissa had made it onto my bed, using the comforter to pull herself up the mattress where she sat between Adam and myself. He released a sigh and placed his hand on my stomach as it rose and fell with each deep intake of air. “Now, let’s try this again. Tell the kid and me what’s in the bag or we’re coming back for round two and it won’t be pretty. Isn’t that right, Rissa?”