Only Love (12 page)

I dampened my dry mouth. “Correct.”

Another flip of the paper. “It was just you and him that day, the convenience store owner, Manuel Lopez of course, and his cousin, the one who’d unfortunately been a casualty.”

He went on to mention that boy’s name, his age, but he left out details. Like how he was one of two kids in a single parent household and how he’d played sports in high school. He even left out that he’d been top of his class despite the hard neighborhood he grew up in. Of course those things were lost. You’d only find out if you looked into those things. Like I had done. At the time, I didn’t know why I had. Perhaps, it was because the kid had been so young when he lost his life. I wanted to remember him. I felt he deserved that.

“The two boys held up the shop,” the man in the suit continued. “And you and Officer Kline had been in the back. You were picking up your morning coffees on patrol and the perps didn’t see you.”

Perps.
They were kids. I nodded.

“Things got out of hand and the perps panicked when they realized you and your fellow officer were there. Officer Kline tried to talk him down, but one of the perps pulled a gun, aiming it at the owner, demanding he and his cohort be released.”

How did a kid so young end up in a situation like that? Pull a gun on an officer when he was only sixteen?

“His cohort moved, and in the shuffle, the perp aimed the gun at Officer Kline. The perp shot first and then Officer Kline reacted, taking him out. Taking him down.”

The perp shot first… The kid shot first… That’s what happened. That’s what happened…

“Officer Holloway?”

My eyes flashed up to the man where he eyed me over his papers, his look expectant. “That’s correct, right? Your statement put on record that day?”

I shook my head, shaking away the zoned out feeling I previous had. “I’m sorry. Could you repeat what you said?”

“I’m just trying to verify your statements. The one you put on record that matched Officer Kline’s. You said the perp shot first. He shot and Officer Kline reacted and didn’t use excessive force. I just need you to verify that. Your own statement that is.”

I confirmed just that. The evidence had all been there that day and obviously so. The bullet casing, the round shot off from that very gun, and the shop owner witnessing that very scenario. It happened not two feet in right in front of the man, so he couldn’t have been mistaken. It didn’t matter that Manuel Lopez said different, and it didn’t matter I had a different vantage point, one many feet away, one on the other side of the convenience store. None of that mattered because the evidence had been there.

The evidence had been there.

The last of the dishwater drained from the sink and I dried my hands on the towel beside me, zoning out in thought like I’d done off and on all day, thinking about the way I handled things with Adam that morning. All he’d wanted was an explanation regarding my relationship status, and I denied him that. He deserved to know, but I denied him.

Behind me, Gabby wiped down the table while Rissa sang to herself and slapped her palms against the tray of her highchair repeatedly, letting out an excited screech every now and then. I was barely even aware of the noise as I thought of what I
should’ve
said to Adam—what I
should’ve
broken down for him when he asked. All he wanted was to understand why I’d flipped the script all of a sudden.

“Lock the door when I leave. I need to take care of something right quick. I’ll still be in the building,” I explained, turning to Gabby when I decided I needed to make things right with Adam. Whether that kiss should’ve happened or not, things could have been handled better on my end when it came to that conversation.

Gabby nodded, looking like she wanted to ask where I was running off to, but respected my privacy enough that she didn’t pry. I’d already changed into my pajamas before dinner, so I just kept them on and headed upstairs to do and say what I should have done and said when Adam wanted to talk that morning. Granted, I was already irritated with the daycare situation before the sun had even fully risen, but that didn’t give me the right to be so short with him. I’d lead with an apology and then I’d at least answer the questions he’d asked.

A few feet away from Adam’s door my steps slowed as low voices wafted from his apartment—one his, the other clearly a woman. That was unexpected.

The second I changed my mind and decided not to bother him, not to bother explaining my situation because he had company, the door flew open and I stood face to face with a tall brunette, one who seemed just as shocked to see
me
as I was to see her. However, almost instantly, her expression softened and that initial shock I detected seemed to wear off— almost like it dawned on her who I was. She didn’t stare long before her mouth lifted into a polite smile.

“Hey,” she said, stepping out into the hallway with Adam standing a foot or so behind. I knew it was him, of course, but I honestly hadn’t looked his way yet because I hadn’t taken my eyes off the woman who’d just come from inside his apartment.

“Hey,” I eventually forced out, responding to her with a tight expression I couldn’t hide.

Who was she? Why was she here? And… why did I feel like I didn’t have the right to care as much as I did?
Then it dawned on me—I didn’t have the right to care because I was with
Javi
, not Adam. He wasn’t mine regardless of what my heart had to say about it. Fighting back a slight hint of jealousy, I cleared my throat.

The brunette settled her gaze on Adam when she spun on her heels to face him. “See you in the morning?”

He nodded in response.

“And please,
please
don’t hesitate to call if you need anything. Doesn’t matter what time it is,” she added.

“Thanks, Caroline. I really appreciate you stopping by,” Adam said, conveying a look of gratitude when he responded. The woman didn’t say another word before turning her back on Adam and me and then disappearing down the stairs.

There was an awkward tension there in the hallway, but it felt one-sided, like I was the only one who was uncomfortable.

“Would you like to come in?” Adam offered, stepping back so I could pass through.

Honestly, at this point, I’d changed my mind about sharing Javi’s and my history, but I had to say
something.
Otherwise I’d look like an idiot for coming up here for no reason. Trying to think up a new excuse, I stepped inside and Adam closed the door behind me.

“You can have a seat if you’d like,” he said, gesturing toward the couch.

I took several steps in that direction and then stopped. “I was um… I actually wasn’t going to stay long. I just...” I paused to get my words together. “I just wanted to thank you for the daycare info. I’m gonna start taking Rissa in the morning.”

Adam folded his arms over his chest and nodded. “No problem. Glad I could help.”

He wasn’t as talkative as usual and something about him seemed a bit off. When he didn’t elaborate or hold up his end of the conversation beyond those few short statements, I became even more uncomfortable.

“So, yeah. That was it. I didn’t mean to interrupt you and your company.”

Adam shrugged and casually leaned his shoulder against the wall, yawning. “It’s fine. You weren’t interrupting.”

That was it. That was all he had to say. I knew I wasn’t
owed
any sort of explanation about the woman, but it’d be a lie if I said I wasn’t hoping for Adam to give some sort of hint as to who she was. When he didn’t, I decided I should go. However, when my eyes shifted to his coffee table, they came to rest on a sobriety coin. I looked Adam over again, now in a new light—red eyes, tussled hair—
had he been drinking?

He read the concerned look on my face and followed my gaze to the coin. When his eyes slammed shut, I expected the worst, thinking my assumption was right.

“I uh… today was kind of rough, but I didn’t slip. Didn’t relapse, I mean,” he confessed, leaving me to breathe a sigh of relief. He reached to his left and took the coin into his hand, eyeing it. It looked like a million thoughts ran through his head all at once, most of which he’d probably never shared with a single soul. Staring, my heart ached for him, and I almost stepped forward to take him into my arms, but I didn’t despite how badly he looked like he needed it. “Sometimes it just doesn’t hurt to have a little reminder of how far you’ve come,” he added, zoning out while looking the chip over. I watched him closely, wondering what had gone on since he’d left my door that morning. What had him on the verge of slipping up?

The part of me that cared about Adam more than I’d admit wanted to inquire, wanted to talk about it if he needed to. But the other part reminded me of the emotional barrier I’d intentionally cast up between us like a wall. Warring between the two, I cleared my throat.

Adam’s eyes stayed trained on the chip when he spoke. “That’s why Caroline was here,” he added, letting me know the woman’s name, but not saying much else about her.

When he reached for my hand, I didn’t pull away, just held it open and faced it up into the position he’d gently maneuvered it into. The coin dropped into my palm and Adam took a step back, folding his arms across his chest again, as if to let me know his intentions weren’t to invade my space. I immediately hated myself for making him feel like I’d rejected him when I ran out after our kiss, which was the impression I was getting. That couldn’t have been further from the truth, though. My heart wanted to welcome him in completely, jump in blind, no reservations, but my mind wasn’t having it. That summed up my conflict. The problem was that I had all these memories of a life I’d shared with someone else. Be it good or bad, the end result was Marissa, and I wanted her to have the family I was never afforded. She had a chance to have a mommy and a daddy and I couldn’t justify denying her that.

… but then there’s Adam and all these feelings.

I retreated from my thoughts and stared at the coin in my hand with a “4” embossed in the middle, symbolizing his four years of sobriety. My eyes lifted to his at the exact second that his shifted to mine. There was so much unexplored emotion lingering between us—emotions that
I’d
stifled, not him. I looked at the medallion once more when guilt set in. When I handed it back over, Adam tucked it away into his pocket.

“I’m sorry you had such a bad day. I know a little something about bad days, so I’ll um… I’ll go so you can rest,” I said, already easing toward the door. When I turned the knob, I half expected Adam to say something to stop me—that I didn’t have to leave, that he’d prefer it if I stayed, that he’d like to talk—but he was silent as I exited. I closed the door behind me and stood there in the hall for a moment, hoping,
praying
that I hadn’t made a mistake promising Javi that I’d try to work things out and distancing myself from Adam.

From memory, I drove to the same church Adam and I had visited the night we served the homeless. The lot was empty except for the few cars I assumed belonged to the caregivers. Behind me, Rissa jingled a set of plastic keys in her hand while I turned off the engine. After retrieving her diaper bag and convincing her that she couldn’t take her toy inside with her, we crossed the lot and entered the large, glass double-doors, stepping into a part of the church I hadn’t ventured to the other night. It was mostly silent inside except for the faint sound of nursery rhymes being sung off to my left down a hallway. I followed the music until I came to a wooden door with colorful drawings covering almost every inch from top to bottom.

I stepped in, holding Rissa almost as tightly as she was holding me. The singing continued on and a familiar smile greeted me from across the room, helping me to ease up a bit.

“Hey, honey!” Cindy said when she came over, pulling me in for a hug before stepping back to take a look at Rissa. “And I’m guessing this little beauty is Marissa!”

Rissa eyed her and then rested her head on my shoulder.

“I’m sure she’ll warm up soon,” I explained, hoping Cindy didn’t take offense to my daughter’s standoffishness.