Once in a Lifetime (20 page)

"I hope I will be. I came here to visit Mrs. Curtis." Again he signed and spoke at the same time. "I'm going to be here every weekend."

Andrew looked at him with amusement. "You're too old to go to our school."

"I know."

"Are you a teacher?"

"I'm the director, just like Mrs. Curtis, at a school in New York." Andrew nodded, he had heard enough for the moment, and turned his attention to his mother, both arms around her, his blond hair blowing in the wind.

"Will you have lunch with us, Mommy?"

"I'd love that." She said good-bye to Matthew and Mrs. Curtis then and followed Andrew inside, as he leaped and skipped, waving and signing to his friends. But her thoughts were filled with the new director. He was an interesting man. She saw him again later, walking down the halls with a stack of papers in his arms. According to Mrs. Curtis, he was reading everything he could lay his hands on, every letter, every file, every report and logbook, and observing the children. He was very thorough about his work.

"Did you have a nice day with Andrew?" The dark brown eyes were interested and kind.

"I did. Looks like you've got quite a load of homework." She smiled at him and he nodded.

"I have a lot to learn about this school."

Her voice was very gentle as they stood in the hallway. "I think we have a lot to learn from you." She was intrigued by his emphasis on lipreading, and noticed that he spoke to all the children as he signed, and treated them as though they could hear. "How did you ever get into this, Mr. Dane?"

"My sister was born deaf. We were twins. And I've always been especially close to her. The funny thing was that we made up our own language between us. It was a kind of a crazy sign language that worked. But then my parents put her away in a school"--he looked troubled as he spoke--"not a school like this. The kind they had thirty years ago, the kind where you stayed for the rest of your life. And she never got the skills she needed, they never taught her a damn thing that would have helped her get back into the world." Daphne was afraid to ask him what had happened to her as he paused, but then he looked at her with that boyish grin. "Anyway, that's how I got into this. Thanks to my sister. I talked her into running away from the school when I graduated from college, and we went to live in Mexico for a year, on the money I had saved working in the summers on construction crews. I taught her how to speak, she learned to lip-read, and we came back and told our parents. She was of age then and legally she could do what she wanted. They tried to have her declared incompetent, once they even tried to have me arrested ... it was a crazy time, but she made it."

At last she dared to ask, "Where is she now?"

His smile grew wide. "She teaches at the New York School. She's going to take over for me while I'm gone this year. She's married and she has two children, both hearing, of course. Her husband is a doctor, and of course now our parents say that they always knew she'd make it. She's a terrific girl, you'd like her."

"I'm sure I would."

"She loves your books. Wait till I tell her I met Daphne blushed then, it seemed so silly, a woman who had conquered so much, impressed with Daphne's meager works of fiction. It made Daphne feel very small in comparison. "I'd like to meet her too."

"You will. She'll be coming up here, and Mrs. Curtis tells me that you come up here pretty often."

Daphne looked suddenly troubled and he searched her eyes. "I do ... I did ..." She sighed softly, and he waved toward two chairs in a corner.

"Do you want to sit down, Miss Fields?" They had been standing in the hallway for almost half an hour, and she nodded as they walked toward the chairs.

"Please call me Daphne."

"I will, if you call me Matt."

She smiled and they sat down.

"Something tells me that you have a problem. Is there anything I can do to help?"

"I don't know. Mrs. Curtis and I talked about it last night."

"Is it something to do with Andrew?"

She nodded. "Yes. I've just had an offer to make a movie in Hollywood. It means moving out there for a year."

"And you're taking him with you?" He looked suddenly disappointed but she shook her head.

"No, I really think I ought to leave him here. But that's the problem. He'll hardly ever see me ... I don't know if he could handle it, or more honestly, if I could. ..." She looked up at him then, her enormous blue eyes reaching out to his brown. "I just don't know what to do."

"That's a tough one. For you, not so much for Andrew. He'd adjust." And then gently, "I'd help him. We all would. He might be angry for a little while, but he'd understand. And I'm going to keep them all pretty busy this year. I want to take a lot of field trips with them, get them back out into the world as much as possible. They're a little isolated here." She nodded. He was right. "What about having him fly out to see you during vacations?"

"Do you think he could do that?"

"With the right preparation. You know, eventually tha's the kind of life you'd want him to lead. You want him to be able to get on planes, to go places, to be independent, to see more of the world than just this."

She nodded slowly. "But he's so young."

"Daphne, he's seven. If he were a hearing child, you wouldn't hesitate to have him put on a plane, would you? Why treat him any differently? He's a very bright little boy." As she listened to him she felt relief begin to flood over her, and walls she had built around Andrew in her mind slowly began to fall. "And not only that but. it's important for him that you're happy, that he see you leading a full life. You can't cling to him forever." There was no reproach in his voice, only gentleness and understanding. "You're no more than seven or eight hours away at any given moment. If we have a problem, we'll call you and you hop on a plane to Boston. I'll even pick you up at the airport, and in two hours you're here. It's hardly farther than New York if you look at it that way." He had a marvelous way of solving problems, finding solutions, and making everything seem so simple. She could easily understand now how he had taken his sister out of her school and run off with her to Mexico. She smiled at the idea.

"You make it all sound so easy."

"It can be. For you and Andrew, if you let it. What you have to base your decision on is what you want to do. One day he'll have to make decisions for himself too. Independent decisions, decisions to be free and strong and make choices for himself, not you. Teach him that early. Do you want to make a movie? Do you want to go to Hollywood for a year? Those are the issues. Not Andrew. You don't want to give up an important part of your life for him. Opportunities like that don't come along that often, or maybe they do for you. But if it's important to you, if it's what you want, then do it. Tell him, let him adjust to it. I'll help you." And she knew he would.

"I'll have to think it over."

"Do that, and we can talk about it again tomorrow. You'll have to brace yourself for a little anger from Andrew most likely. But you'd get that from any kid his age if you told him you were going away. Know that the anger and the reaction are normal. Being a parent isn't always easy." He smiled at her again. "I see what my sister has been through. She had twins also. Her girls are fourteen now. And if you think a seven-year-old boy is rough, you should try doubles that age, and girls!" He rolled his eyes. "I'd never survive it!" "You don't have children of your own?" "No." He looked sorry. "Except for the hundred and forty-six I'm leaving at the New York School with Martha, my sister. My wife never really wanted children. She was not a hearing person"--Daphne nodded, accustomed to what would have been to someone else an unfamiliar term--"and she was very different from my sister. She was terrified her own children wouldn't hear. She had a lot of hang-ups about her deafness. In the end"--he looked regretful-- "it's what did us in. She was a model in New York, and an incredibly bright girl. I had tutored her for a while, that's how I met her. But her parents always treated her like a china doll, and she hadn't had a crazy brother like me when she was growing up. She retreated into her deafness. She's a perfect example of why you shouldn't treat Andrew any differently than any other child. Don't do that to him, Daphne. If you do, you'll rob him of everything that will ever matter to him." They sat quietly for a moment, each with his own thoughts. He had given her a lot to think about in the last hour. He had shared an important part of his life with her, and she knew she had made a friend.

"I think you're right, Matt. But it scares the hell out of me to leave him."

"There are lots of things in life that are scary. All the good stuff usually is. Think of all the good things you've done in your life. How much of it was easy? Probably none of it was, but it was always worth the struggle, I'll bet. And I would imagine that making a movie is an important step in your career. Which book is it, by the way?"

"Apache." She smiled at him, proud of herself and suddenly not ashamed to let him see it.

"That's my favorite."

"Mine too."

And then, picking up his stack of papers, he stood up. "Are you staying for dinner?" She nodded. "I'll join you for coffee afterward. I'm going to take a sandwich upstairs in the meantime, so I can do my homework." She thought again of what he had said. The good things in life weren't easy. They hadn't been for either of them.

"I'll see you later, Matt." They parted company at the staircase and she watched him for a moment. Sensing it, he looked down at her as she looked up. "And thank you."

"Any time. You'll always get the truth from me, Daphne, about what I think and what I feel. Remember that when you're in California. I'll tell you how he is, and if he needs you I'll tell you. You can fly home, or I'll put him on the next plane." She nodded, and he waved to her and then disappeared onto the upstairs landing. It seemed strange to her that he seemed to assume she was going. Had he read her mind? How could he know her decision before she did? Or was that what she had already secretly decided, and longed for. She wasn't sure as she went into the big playroom to find Andrew. And as she saw him she felt her heart sink. How could she leave him? He was so little and so dear.

But that night as she lay in bed at the inn she thought about it all again, pulled one way and then the other, by duty, obligation, love on one side, and fascination, curiosity, ambition, career on the other. It was a tough choice, and then suddenly the phone rang and it was Matthew. She was startled to hear him and wondered instantly if something was wrong.

"Of course not. If it were something like that, Mrs. Curtis would call you. I'm not official yet, you know, at least not for a few more weeks. I was just thinking about your decision, and I had a crazy thought. If you get too tied up in Los Angeles at some point and you can't have him out to visit, I could take him home to stay with my sister and her kids. You'd have to give us special permission of course, but he might enjoy it. My sister is really quite something and her girls are terrific. How does that strike you?"

"I don't know what to say to you, Matthew. I'm overwhelmed."

"Don't be. Last year I had forty-three of our students at my place for Christmas dinner. Martha cooked and her husband coached touch football in the park. It was super." She wanted to tell him that she thought he was, but she didn't dare.

"I don't know how to thank you."

"Don't. Just trust me with Andrew."

She was silent for a moment, it was late, and he had been very open with her. She wanted to do the same with him. "Matt, it's hard for me to leave him ... he's all I've got."

"I know that. Or at least, I suspected it." His voice was very soft. "He'll be all right, and so will you." And as she listened to him she knew that, and the decision was finally made.

"I think I'm going to do it."

"I think you should." It made it easier for her that he said that, and it suddenly seemed amazing that she had only met him that morning and already she had come to rely on his judgment, and trust him with her son. "When you go back to New York, I'll introduce you to my sister. Maybe you'd like to come to the school next week to meet her, if you have time."

"I'll make time."

"Great. I'll see you in the morning. And congratulations."

"For what?"

"For making a tough decision. Besides, I have a selfish motive in all this. I want to see my favorite book made into a movie." She laughed then and they hung up, and that night she slept peacefully at last.

"I know it seems like a long time, sweetheart, but you can come out to see me during vacations, and we can do fun things in California, and I promise I'll fly back ..." She was signing desperately, but Andrew refused to watch her. His eyes were awash with tears. "Andrew ... darling ... please...." Her eyes filled too as she sat in the garden with him, fighting to keep from clutching him to her and sobbing. He stood with his back to her, his shoulders hunched over and shaking, his head bent, and when she gently pulled him toward her, he made terrible little gurgling sounds and her heart tore in half. "Oh, Andrew ... sweetheart ... I'm so sorry." Oh, God, she couldn't do it. She couldn't, not to him. "He'll adjust," they said. Christ, it was like adjusting to double amputation, and why should he have to do that? Just because she wanted to make a film. She felt rotten and selfish as she sat beside him, hating herself for the decision she had made and what it was obviously doing to him. She couldn't do this to her child. He needed her too badly. After all... She tried to put her arms around him and he wouldn't let her, and she stood there in despair looking at him as Matthew Dane came outside. He watched them for a moment, saying nothing, and from the look on Andrew's face he knew instantly that she had told him. He walked slowly over to them, and looked at Daphne with a gentle smile.

"He'll be all right in a little while, Daphne. Remember what I told you. You'd have had this kind of reaction from any child, even a hearing one."

"But he isn't a hearing child." Her eyes blazed at him and her voice was sharp. "He's special." She wanted to add "dammit," but she didn't. She felt certain that he had misjudged the situation, he had given her bad advice about her son and she had let him. She was wrong to even consider going out west for a year. But Matt didn't look swayed from his earlier opinion, even now.