On a Snowy Christmas Night (18 page)

“I got in touch with the guy who took him to Annie. He told me where he’d found Caleb. I figured it was worth a shot to check if he’d tried to make his way home.” He shrugged. “I flew over the area, spotted him, called Trace and he brought a trailer.”

“I can’t believe this.” God, she was going to cry.

As if reading her mind, in that wonderful low quiet voice of his, Jesse said, “You’re allowed.”

That pretty much pushed her over the edge and she buried her face against his shoulder. Still, she fought the tears, swallowing convulsively and squeezing her eyes shut. When Caleb neighed to get her attention, she pulled away from Jesse to stroke the roan’s velvety muzzle.

“I don’t want him to return to Safe Haven,” she said, marveling at his beautiful coat. Someone had spent a lot of time grooming him...Jesse, of course. “I know Annie would take good care of him, but eventually she’d have to find him a home and I couldn’t bear...”

“Caleb has a home. Don’t you, boy?” Jesse rubbed the horse’s mane, then looked at Shea. “He’s staying here at the Sundance. He’s yours. Whenever you want him, he’ll be here.”

She didn’t trust her voice. She threw her arms around Jesse’s neck. He staggered back, laughing. “I have to admit, deciding to find him was a tough call. I knew I’d probably lose out to the guy.”

Laughing along with him, she hugged him tighter. “No, never. I love you both.” It took her a few seconds to realize what she’d said, and she froze. Good God, what should she say or do now? Already the silent moment had stretched to awkwardness. “I, um...”

Jesse pried her arms from around his neck, and she forgot how to breathe. She’d scared him. He probably wanted to push her as far away as possible. How could she explain she didn’t mean it? Not that way...except...God help her, what had she done? Had she fallen in love with him?

Sadly, it probably didn’t matter, she thought as he drew away from her. She dropped her chin, finding it impossible to look at him.

He forced it up, wouldn’t speak until she met his eyes.

“It’s okay. I know how to share,” he said with a crooked smile.

“Jesse...”

“Shh.” He put a finger to her lips, then kissed her.

She kissed him back, hanging on to him for all she was worth. When they finally came up for air, she said, “Hey, it’s still Christmas....” Grabbing his jacket, she backed up, tugging him along with her. “And I might have something for you, after all.”

“Yeah?” Instantly getting her meaning, desire flared in his eyes. “Sorry, buddy,” he said to Caleb as she pulled Jesse toward the door.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, sweetie.” She blew the roan an apologetic kiss.

“Huh, you call him sweetie.”

Pleasure shimmered down her spine. She still wasn’t sure this day was real. “What mushy name do you want me to call you?”

“Mushy?” Jesse smiled. “Surprise me.”

They laughed like a pair of teenagers, then turned to race for the house. Their jackets were off by the time they made it to the mudroom, and hung seconds later. Trying to be quiet, they entered the kitchen and made it halfway to the guest stairs. That’s when the bottom fell out.

“Jesse?” Cole’s voice came from somewhere in the house.

Jesse hesitated. With a wry twist of his mouth, he looked at Shea and sighed. “Yeah.”

Cole showed up at the door to the dining room. His expression seemed strained, his posture tense. “Would you come in here?”

“Now?”

His brother’s frown deepened. “Now.”

“What’s up?” His back stiff, Jesse mirrored his brother’s tension as he walked toward him.

In answer, Cole turned around and went back the way he’d come. Shea wasn’t sure what to do. Something was very wrong. Jesse motioned for her to follow so she did.

Everyone but Trace was sitting in the living room. Shea was glad to see Jamie because her presence bolstered Shea’s decision to stay. What made her wince was the grim set of Jamie’s features. Rachel stood near the fireplace, appearing anxious and maybe a little angry. Barbara’s eyes were red as though she’d been crying. A box of tissues sat beside her on the overstuffed couch.

When Cole turned around, no question he was angry. His glare bore into Jesse as he passed him a piece of paper. “What’s this?”

“Wait,” Rachel said. “First of all, you need to know that I opened your mail by mistake. It was mixed in with the Christmas cards I picked up yesterday. That said, what the hell is the matter with you?”

Jesse gave no sign that he’d heard her. He continued to stare at the official-looking paper and wouldn’t raise his eyes. The pulse at his neck beat double-time. His jaw had tightened.

“It’s not what you think,” he said finally. “I was just considering my options.”

“But that you’ve even thought about it is insane,” Rachel said, her green eyes glassy. “Look at Mom. She’s a wreck.” She went to sit with Barbara on the couch, but it was clear that whatever Jesse’s alleged transgression, Rachel was also hurt.

Jesse exhaled sharply and moved to put a hand on his mother’s shoulder. “Mom, I’m sorry.”

“You didn’t feel it was worth mentioning,” Cole said in an even tone. “We’re your family, Jesse. Reenlisting is one hell of an option considering what it would mean to the rest of us.”

Shea jerked, feeling as if someone had slapped her. Jesse wanted to reenlist in the air force? Questions swirled through her mind so fast she literally felt dizzy. He’d never said, never hinted...

Barbara had captured Jesse’s hand, pinning it to her shoulder. He didn’t try to pull away, but looked over at Shea with stark eyes.

Rachel sniffed, then cleared her throat. “What do you think about his harebrained notion, Shea?”

She stood there, speechless, staring back at his family. Her knees were weak, her head light. For some reason her brain and mouth weren’t connecting.

“She didn’t know,” Jesse said. “Leave her out of this.”

Shea swallowed, having trouble even making her throat work. How could she be hurt by his words? He was right. For a minute there she’d felt like a small part of the family, like she mattered to him. But in the end, nothing had changed in her tiny insular world.

“Excuse me,” she murmured and turned around.

“Shea, wait.”

She ignored Jesse, ignored everyone, yet managed to stay calm as she made it through the dining room to the kitchen. Once she was out of sight and earshot, she ran up the stairs to her room. She closed the door and leaned back against it for support.

Her heart raced. She pressed her palms to her cheeks. Her face was burning up. Why hadn’t he told her? It wasn’t as if she thought he’d been stringing her along for sex. Jesse wasn’t like that. It was a matter of trust and sharing...and her being so hopelessly foolish. She’d let him in, bared her innermost fears and struggles. God, she’d told him everything. She’d thought he’d confided in her, as well. But he’d held back.

He had that right. She understood that at some level, but it still hurt that he hadn’t considered her someone he could trust.

Letting her head fall back against the door, she closed her eyes. Maybe this was more about her than Jesse. How could she have fooled herself into believing she’d grown into a normal person in just a week? Clearly she was even more clueless than she’d imagined.

No. She refused to accept that. Coming to Montana had helped her. Jesse had helped her. So had working at Safe Haven. Because in spite of everything, she knew she no longer wanted her old life. She didn’t want her only friend to be a computer.

Oh, God, she wanted Jesse.

Maybe his reenlisting was for the best. Not for his family, clearly, but for her. Shea adored Annie and what she was trying to accomplish, and Shea knew she could be an asset to the shelter. If she made the move, it didn’t mean entirely giving up her job. Her boss needed her. They could work out something part-time.

So if Jesse reenlisted, she and everyone else would know her decision had nothing to do with him. Except that wasn’t the complete truth. Pressing a hand to her queasy stomach, she slowly pushed away from the door.

If she didn’t want to be sick, she had to get out of here.

* * *

J
ESSE
STILL
HAD
some mending to do with his family. They were hurt and angry, and he didn’t blame them. He’d been selfish, too caught up in his own bullshit to truly see their side or allow them a voice. But he did see the situation more clearly now, had for a couple days. Thanks to Shea.

He left them gathered in the living room with enough for them to rest easy for now. One thing they did get for sure...he had to talk to Shea. Make things right with her. Now.

His chest tight with fear and guilt, he climbed the stairs to her room. This wasn’t going to be easy. He’d hurt her with his thoughtlessness, and he doubted his mind would ever be able to erase the look of devastation on her face as she’d fled. Part him of him expected her to refuse to talk to him, though that wasn’t like Shea. But then who knew how much damage he’d done.

No matter what, he’d get her to listen, he thought, raising his fist to her door. No more being a coward. Too much was at stake. Jesus, he couldn’t imagine her gone from his life.

She didn’t answer his first knock or his second. He tried a third time. Was she ignoring him, or was she gone? His heart thudded. He turned the knob. It wasn’t locked. He had no damn business opening her door uninvited. He did anyway.

The bed was still made. With relief he saw her suitcase sitting on the luggage rack. But there was no sign of her. She wouldn’t be anywhere else in the house, but he had a damn good idea where she’d gone.

He hurried back down the stairs, saw her jacket still on the hook in the mudroom and didn’t stop for his. It was freezing outside, about fifteen degrees. Walking briskly, his heart slamming his chest, he barely felt the chill wind, but it finally registered that he should’ve brought her jacket.

Only the stable’s security lights were on, but he saw her standing in Caleb’s open stall, her cheek pressed to his neck while she stroked the roan’s side. She didn’t see him. With an agitated whinny, Caleb alerted her to Jesse’s presence. So the horse was mad at him, too.

Shea gave a start and looked over at him, then sharply turned away and dabbed at her eyes. He slowed his pace, giving her time. What he wanted to do was pull her into his arms and beg her forgiveness. That wouldn’t be enough. He owed her so much more.

“You should be wearing your jacket,” he said, stopping a safe distance out of reach and jamming his hands in his pockets.

“You, too.” She kept her gaze on Caleb, repeatedly stroking his ribs with a trembling hand.

“I’m sorry about you being ambushed in there.” He cleared his throat. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I was considering reenlisting.”

“You don’t owe me anything, Jesse. I understand, and I don’t regret any part of this past week.” Her voice shook and she stiffened her back. “I learned some things from you that I will always be grateful for.”

“I wasn’t hiding the reenlistment from you,” he said. “From my family, yes. I purposefully kept them in the dark.”

She still wouldn’t look at him, but the rhythm of her strokes changed. Her hand slowed until Caleb lowered his head and nudged her with his muzzle to continue.

“The end of the year was my deadline. I wasn’t going to tell them until after I made the decision. They would’ve tried to change my mind and I wanted to stay as objective as possible. What a farce. I know that now, because of you.”

She lowered her hand and turned to look at him. Her face was pale, her eyes shadowed. She didn’t speak.

“I’m not cut out for the military. I joined partly because it was expected, but also because I was feeling restless and displaced. When I was given the opportunity to learn to fly I thought maybe a military career was the answer.” He sighed. “Then I got homesick. I hoped I’d come back to the Sundance and things would be different. If I learned to fly a chopper I could help bring the place into the twenty-first century. Roundup would be a breeze, we could expand... The truth is, I wanted to come back and be a hero. I wanted to be needed. I wanted to feel as if I belonged here again.”

Shivering, she hugged herself and rubbed her arms.

He wanted to hold her. It would be so easy to justify pulling her close. “You were totally right the other night. My family never made me feel those things. They’ve never stopped loving me or had a single thought that I didn’t deserve a place here. The economy doesn’t matter. We could be down to our last dollar and I would be no more dispensable than Cole or Trace or Rachel. I’m a McAllister. They didn’t forget that. I did.”

He almost choked on that admission and had to look away for a moment. “The thing is, I didn’t get all that until—I don’t know, maybe it all finally came together today. But the truth is, I didn’t tell you about reenlisting because it’s been one of the furthest things from my mind. This past week, with you, I was happy—” He stopped to swallow. “I didn’t believe I could ever be this happy again, and I didn’t want the feeling to go away. I don’t want it to go away.”

He moved closer to her and she took a step toward him.

“I’d miss you, Shea. I’d miss your courage. I could handle being a soldier again if I had to, I could handle deployment. I can handle anything except not having you in my life. I love you.” He took the last few steps to reach her but she was already flinging herself at him. He caught her in his arms. She’d taught him how to love and be loved. He had a feeling he had a lot more to learn from her.

“Oh, Jesse.” She sniffed and buried her face against his neck. “My feet aren’t touching the ground so don’t drop me.”

“Is that all you have to say?” He laughed, letting himself breathe now that he knew he hadn’t blown the best thing to ever happen to him.

“I’m thinking.”

“I’ll save you some brain power,” he said, and felt her smile against his skin. “It’s only been a week, I know. But I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life.” He kissed her ear, her hair. Loosening his hold, he let her slide down his body until her feet hit the floor and their eyes met. “I know you have a job you love in San Jose, but somehow we can make this work. If you want to.”