November (7 page)

CHARLES:
At one time. It prohibited.

ARCHER:
 … uh-huh.

CHARLES:
 … uh uh uh, people of other races from marrying.

ARCHER:
No, it didn’t.

CHARLES:
It prohibited people of other races, from marrying people of other races.

ARCHER:
It ain’t going to fly.

CHARLES:
Then help me out.

ARCHER:
She insists on you “marrying” them.

CHARLES:
Yes.

ARCHER:
Before
she gives you the speech?

CHARLES:
Yes.

ARCHER:
 … 
Women
…

CHARLES:
No, they have rights, just like regular human beings.

ARCHER:
As you’ve always said.

CHARLES:
I
married
one of ’em.

ARCHER:
You married two of ’em.

CHARLES:
Yeah, but the first one was expunged.

(
ARCHER
and
CHARLES
knock wood
.
TURKEY GUY
enters
.)

TURKEY GUY:
I need you to smell the turkeys’ hand.

ARCHER:
Don’t you say
“Sir”?

TURKEY GUY:
Not for two hundred million dollars.

CHARLES:
How do I
marry
the broads?

TURKEY GUY:
I need you to smell the turkeys’ hand.

CHARLES:
I believe you mean, you need the turkeys to smell my hand.

TURKEY GUY:
That is correct.

CHARLES:
You bet.

(
The second phone rings
.
ARCHER
answers
.)

ARCHER:
Yes …

TURKEY GUY:
Because they’re very sensitive.

CHARLES:
Aren’t we all?

ARCHER:
(
To
CHARLES
) The TV people. Bernstein and her pal—have refused to wear makeup.

CHARLES:
That’s their inalienable right. And get a license.

ARCHER:
(
To phone
) Can we get a marriage license “right now”? Because he needs to marry them today.

TURKEY GUY:
Who?

ARCHER:
The girls in the
wedding
dress …

TURKEY GUY:
He wants to marry two “women”?

ARCHER:
That’s right.

TURKEY GUY:
Two “lesbians.”

CHARLES:
Well, why would two straight women get married? They marry “men.”

TURKEY GUY:
You, you mean to “marry two women”?

CHARLES:
Oh,
I’m
sorry.
I
didn’t ask your
permission
.

TURKEY GUY:
Today
…?

CHARLES:
Well, I didn’t say “today,” but they got dressed
up
and came
down
here …

ARCHER:
(
To phone
) The press wants to know why there are two women, in a wedding dress, and bouquets, sitting in the office with a little Chinese child.

CHARLES:
Tell the press they all pulled each other from a burning
wreck
…

TURKEY GUY:
If you marry those lesbians, we cannot give you the money.

CHARLES:
 … or they won a
spelling
bee or something.

TURKEY GUY:
If you marry those two women on TV, we will not give you the money.

(
Pause
.)

CHARLES:
That is not the spirit which made this land what it is.

TURKEY GUY:
I do not
give
a fuck.

CHARLES:
What is this, some antihomosexual thing on your part?

TURKEY GUY:
That may or may not be, but I speak as the representative of three hundred million God-fearing consumers of turkey.

(
The phone rings
.
ARCHER
answers
.)

ARCHER:
Your wife’s on the line.

CHARLES:
WOULD YOU TELL HER I’M
AT WORK. Jesus
, a man cannot work at home …

TURKEY GUY:
If you …

CHARLES:
I HEARD YOU, all right? What
about
: hold on.

(The
phone rings again
.
ARCHER
answers
.)

ARCHER:
Yes …?

CHARLES:
What about if I don’t marry them, until
after
Thanksgiving?

ARCHER:
(
To
CHARLES
) Bernstein has explained to the press that you are marrying her at the beginning of your telecast.

TURKEY GUY:
Oh my …

(
Pause
.)

ARCHER:
I’ll take care of it.

TURKEY GUY:
My principals, will, in no circumstances allow …

ARCHER:
I said I’ll take care of it.

TURKEY GUY:
Oh, my … Oh, my …

(
He exits
.)

ARCHER:
Chuck.

CHARLES:
Yes.

ARCHER:
Two things you need. To win an election.

CHARLES:
Yeah.

ARCHER:
A shitload of money.

CHARLES:
That’s right.

ARCHER:
AND a good idea. Here’s the good idea: you have to sell Bernstein out.

CHARLES:
To sell Bernstein out.

ARCHER:
That’s right.

CHARLES:
I’m in her debt.

ARCHER:
You’re in her debt, how you going to discharge it?

CHARLES:
She’s in here with her cute li’l Chinese
baby
, and her
girlfriend
, Daisy.

ARCHER:
You can’t marry two women, Chuck. It’s against the law.

CHARLES:
If we got the Chief Justice to come down here. Like an “activist judge”…? They make the law …

ARCHER:
Why would he do that?

CHARLES:
If I threatened to show everyone “those tapes” of him on the party boat on Lake Winnipesaukee …

ARCHER:
The country. Will not vote for you, Chuck,
however
much airtime you buy. If you marry those women.

CHARLES:
What about if it was “Opposite Day”?

ARCHER:
“Opposite Day”?

CHARLES:
Yeah.

ARCHER:
It’s not a legal holiday.

CHARLES:
 … it’s not?

ARCHER:
No.

CHARLES:
Huh …
(
Pause
) And she’s writing me this beautiful
speech
.

ARCHER:
That’s great.

CHARLES:
No it’s better than that, it’s going to be my legacy.

ARCHER:
Uh-huh.

CHARLES:
Because, you know what her and me have?

ARCHER:
What do you have?

CHARLES:
A dream.

ARCHER:
You know when people have dreams, Chuck? When they’re sleeping.

(
BERNSTEIN
pokes her head in
.)

BERNSTEIN:
Sir?

ARCHER:
Give us a minute. (
BERNSTEIN
exits. To
CHARLES
) Chuck: you want to be President for four more years?

CHARLES:
(
Pause
) I promised Bernstein.

ARCHER:
I know that you did.

CHARLES:
I
need
her.

ARCHER:
Uh-huh.

CHARLES:
And I
owe
her …

ARCHER:
Sometimes, Chuck …

CHARLES:
Yes …

ARCHER:
 … part of the burden of command …

CHARLES:
Yes …

ARCHER:
 … is you have to sell the other fellow out.

CHARLES:
 … you have to sell the other fellow out.

ARCHER:
Yes.

CHARLES:
Uh-huh …

ARCHER:
For the “common good.”

CHARLES:
For the “common good.”

ARCHER:
Well. Now you’re talking.

CHARLES:
’Cause, for the common “good,” yeah, I could do it, but, uh …

ARCHER:
That is because you’re a moral man.

CHARLES:
But, if it was just, uh … “expediency,” I couldn’t …

ARCHER:
No, fuck that.
Fuck
that, Sir. We’re speaking of the absolute integrity of That One Man, who occupies the Highest Office in the land. (
Pause
) Who would like to
hold
the highest office in the land (
Pause
) rather than go home and play pitch and putt golf with Cathy.

CHARLES:
(
Pause
) What do I do?

ARCHER:
(
Pause
) Here’s what you do: We set the TV Cameras up. We introduce you, THE CAMERAS, HOWEVER, ARE
OFF
. We tell the TV Guys it is a matter of, uh … “National Security.”

CHARLES:
“National Security”?

ARCHER:
What are they gonna say? (
The phone rings. To phone
) Yes, we’re coming out. (
ARCHER
starts helping the President into his shirt, their backs are to the door as
BERNSTEIN
,
unseen, enters holding a bouquet and a boutonniere
.) The girls come on, you “marry” them. They “think” they have been married. She hands you your speech. Weep weep weep, they broom the broads, we turn the cameras on, you give the speech, and you pardon the turkeys.

CHARLES:
But …

ARCHER:
You can’t marry those two women and win the election. (
Pause
) Is that right or not? Look me in the eyes.

CHARLES:
That’s right. (
They turn and see
BERNSTEIN
standing there
.) Uh …

BERNSTEIN:
(
Of the boutonniere
) I wanted to ask if you’d give me away.

CHARLES:
BERNSTEIN
. (
Pause
) Uh …

BERNSTEIN:
And you’re selling me out.

CHARLES:
Bernstein, you know, I, um …

ARCHER:
What the President is
doing
…

CHARLES:
What I’m
doing
, Bernstein, is a …

ARCHER:
 … it’s a Strategic Re-Ordering of Priorities.

(
Pause
.)

CHARLES:
Well, Bernstein.… you know …

BERNSTEIN:
What about the Shade-Tree Mechanics …?

ARCHER:
 … the “shade-tree mechanics”…?

BERNSTEIN:
Who built this country.

ARCHER:
Were any of them lesbians?

BERNSTEIN:
They may have been.

ARCHER:
Why, because they were wearing coveralls …?

BERNSTEIN:
 … Sir.

CHARLES:
Just because they were wearing
coveralls
Bernstein, does not mean they were lesbians.

ARCHER:
That’s right.

CHARLES:
“Coveralls,” in fact, were, curiously, once worn by “men.”

ARCHER:
That’s right.

CHARLES:
 … in the factories, and so on.

ARCHER:
That’s right.

CHARLES:
Which once dotted our land.

ARCHER:
 … read your
history
…

CHARLES:
So, so, Bernstein …

ARCHER:
Bernstein, there are Bigger Issues involved here …

BERNSTEIN:
Oh, Sir, you have lowered yourself in my estimate.

CHARLES:
Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa: I’m gonna tell you what. Bernstein? You and your pal. Go home. One of you throw on a sportcoat, come back,
allow
the American Public to
infer
that one of you’s a man, and on we go.

BERNSTEIN:
Sir, my partner is a woman.

CHARLES:
Who is to say what a woman is?

BERNSTEIN:
Sir.

CHARLES:
Many fine doctors …

BERNSTEIN:
Sir.

CHARLES:
Are unable,
totally
, at birth, to determine …

ARCHER:
Absolutely.

BERNSTEIN:
Mist …

CHARLES:
 … the sex … uh … of the uh child.

ARCHER:
Chucky …

CHARLES:
Resulting in …

ARCHER:
Chucky. I need you to clear your mind.

CHARLES:
 … great,
great
sorrow, as the infant grapples …

ARCHER:
’Cause in two minutes you are going on international TV.

CHARLES:
 … in later life.

ARCHER:
Chuck.

CHARLES:
As the kid, in high school, trying out for
track, field
hockey for example, and, she finds out, she’s a
guy
.

ARCHER:
Sir …

CHARLES:
Opening
herself, to uh, uh, “hazing …”

ARCHER:
Sir …?

CHARLES:
(
Pause
) Because of a simple error. On the uh,
birth
certificate, the fucken
nurse
checked off the wrong, uh …