Oh. So that was it.
They wanted to do it. I let Rory help me up out of the sand, and then I dropped his hand and dusted off the bottom of my shorts. We walked down the beach, toward the docks. The tide was out, and the docks reminded me of pictures of archeological digs I'd seen in books, like some scientist had unearthed the skeleton of a weird wood-based creature that died millions of years ago.
When we got to the docks, I reached out to touch one of the barnacle-encrusted piers. The next thing I knew, Rory's hands were on my shoulders. He spun me around, pressed my back up against the pier, and thrust his tongue into my mouth and his hands into my shorts.
I put my hands against his chest and pushed hard, but he didn't seem to notice. Honestly, I really don't think he did. He was six two and built like a brick wall. So I bit his tongue. That got his attention.
"Ow!" He shoved himself away from me and touched his tongue gingerly. With his hand in his mouth, his next words came out with a lisp. "You crazy bith! What the hell did you do that for?"
"Me? What the hell did
you
do that for? I didn't say you could kiss me. Let
alone
feel me up. You must feel like a real Lewis and Clark, huh?"
"What do you mean?"
"Exploring virgin territory. Going where no man's gone before."
A look of fear flitted across his face, and he narrowed his eyes. "
Lewis and Clark?
How old are you?"
"Fourteen."
Rory staggered back a step. "What the fuck?" he roared into the sky. He shot a look over his shoulder, then turned his angry face back to me. "Come on." He grabbed my elbow and marched me back down the sand. Rachel and Tim were right where we'd left them, and things had gone a lot further between them than they had between Rory and me. Mortified, I averted my eyes while Tim hopped up and pulled up his pants. Instead I watched Rachel, kneeling in the sand, massaging her jaw. Strangely, she didn't look embarrassed at all.
Rory let Tim button his jeans before he strode across the sand to push him over. Tim scrambled back to his feet. "What the fuck, dude?" Tim whined.
"Goddamn it! You fucking idiot!" Rory paced back and forth in front of Tim, his fists balled up, large veins sticking out on his neck.
Tim held out his hands. "What?"
"You said Rachel had an
older
sister that was a virgin."
Tim shrugged his shoulders and smirked. "Yeah, we'll she's got a younger one too, and
she's
hot. The other one's a virgin for a reason. I wouldn't fuck that thing in the dark. You should be thanking me."
"This girl's fucking fourteen, you stupid cocksucker!"
"So?"
I looked back and forth between Rory and Tim. I couldn't believe they were having this conversation about me. I was just standing there watching it, not even trying to say anything, but some hysterical voice inside my brain told my mouth to stay shut.
"So?" Rory's eyes bulged out to match his veins. "So I don't want to go to jail, dumbass."
"You're only seventeen, you're not gonna get in trouble if you fuck her."
Rory crossed his arms over his chest. "I'm more than three years older than her. She tells anyone, they'll send me to jail, dude. That's the law."
Tim's mouth dropped open into an 'O.' Everyone froze, still as a stone. My eyes darted between Rory, Tim, and Rachel. They all looked pissed. I'm pretty sure I looked scared. I sure felt it. As I watched him, the pissed look left Tim's face and a crafty expression stole across his features. "I've got an idea," he said.
"It had better be good," Rory fumed.
"I'm sixteen, so I wouldn't get in any trouble, right?" Tim said. "How 'bout I trade you? I take her and you take Rachel?"
Rory uncrossed his arms and looked at Rachel, tapping his lips with his finger. "That'll work." He walked over to where Rachel still crouched on the beach, her fingers frozen on her jaw. He reached down and held out his hand to her. "Come on, sugar."
Rachel stared fixedly at his outstretched palm for two of my heartbeats. Then
oh my god, she took his hand
.
I found my voice. "No!" I said.
"What? Why not?" Tim whined.
I balled up my fists at my sides and shouted at him. "Because I'm not having sex with anyone tonight. And duh, asshole, you're my sister's boyfriend."
I turned to Rachel. "Don't tell me you're actually okay with this?"
Rachel stared back at me, her eyes venomous. "Oh shut up. I seen the way you look at Tim. Couldn't take your eyes off him the whole way here. He's doing you a favor, breaking you in, but he's mine and don't forget it you little twat bagger."
"No," I said faintly, then louder. "No!" I started to walk backwards away from them, my hands out in front of my body, as though at any moment one of them would come running at me and I'd have to shove them away.
Rory looked at me, obviously exasperated. "Come on. Don't be such a baby. You're going to ruin everyone's night."
"I'm going to ruin?" I spluttered, not able to finish my sentence, but I tried to start again. "I'm going to ruin?" Nope. Still couldn't do it. I whirled around and ran.
I hitchhiked home. I don't know for sure, but I'm pretty confident Rachel single-handedly made sure no one's night got ruined.
It's been more than a year, and Rachel hasn't spoken a word to me since I left her with Rory and Tim on the beach. But one thing hasn't changed. Tim still comes and taps at the window every night.
"What happened last night?"
I'd purposely arrived late to first period so Derek wouldn't have a chance to say anything to me before class, but there was nothing I could do about him following me to second period math. I hurried down the hall, clutching my backpack to my chest rather than hitching it over my shoulder, mostly to give my arms something to do. I couldn't look at Derek. If I did, I was sure to see the hurt and confusion on his face that I heard in his voice.
Some small part of me hoped that if I refused to look at him he'd give up and go away, but it was a pipe dream. He wasn't nearly as big of a coward as I was. When we reached my math class, he darted in front of me to block the door, but I lowered one shoulder and wormed my way around him.
"I don't want to talk to you," I said. I was angry at myself for being such a weakling and it came out in my voice.
"What did I do to piss you off so bad?" Derek followed me in the classroom door. His hand shot out and he grabbed my wrist, preventing me from getting all the way past him. "I'm going crazy here, I don't understand."
I wrenched my wrist out of his grip. "It's not you, it's me."
"Come on," Derek snarled. He kept pace with me as I marched to my desk. "That's what my stepbrother says when he dumps a chick. Fuck that."
That was the final straw. I slammed my backpack down on my desk and whirled around, staring Derek directly in the eyes. "Fine. You're right. It's not you and it's not me either. It's your stepbrother."
Derek's face went so slack with astonishment that if I hadn't been so mad and upset I might have felt sorry for him. "Tim?" he said.
"Yes." Derek blinked a couple of times, like he was still trying to process what I was saying to him but was coming up empty. He looked so lost, some of the anger ebbed out of my body, replaced by an aching feeling. "I'm sorry, but I know your stepbrother, and there's no way I can be with you. I just can't."
Derek took a deep breath, his nostrils flaring and his expression so full of anger that it dwarfed my own. The classroom was filling up around me and I noticed that people were starting to stare, but Derek's eyes remained locked on mine. "You won't be with me because of my
family?
" He spat through gritted teeth. "Are you hearing yourself?
My
family? Are you fucking kidding me?"
I folded my arms across my chest and stared in the general vicinity of Derek's knees, tapping my foot nervously.
Someone cleared their throat loudly, and that was when I noticed how quiet the classroom was. "Students, take your seats." Mr. Perrine stood at the front of the room, his brow etched with concern.
I glanced around and realized Derek and I were the only ones standing in the classroom. I slid into my seat. Derek remained frozen beside my desk. Mr. Perrine cleared his throat again, quieter this time. "Mottola, I'll see you this afternoon. Please go to your own class."
Out of the corner of my eye I saw that Derek wasn't moving. The look on Mr. Perrine's face changed from concern to annoyance, and I couldn't seem to stop myself from looking at Derek.
I'd heard of people having stormy expressions on their faces, but this was something altogether different. Derek looked like he was about to explode, his face was purple with rage. He managed to control his voice, but he didn't bother to lower it. "We are not done."
"Mottola, get the fuck out of here." Wow. I'd never heard a teacher cuss before.
Derek locked eyes with me for a half second, then nodded curtly and stalked from the classroom.
Mr. Perrine started into his lesson plan immediately, probably to try to get the class to focus its attention somewhere else besides me, but it took people a while to stop shooting curious glances at me.
I couldn't focus on anything Mr. Perrine was saying. All I could think of was the look on Derek's face before he left, and his words
…
We are not done
. I buried my face in my hands.
Yes we are, Derek. Yes we are.
I went through the rest of my day feeling like everyone was staring at me. They probably were. After that scene in my math class, I'm sure Derek and I were a pretty hot topic of conversation.
I was so glad to see Kaia during sixth period cheer. Amy and her friends stayed on the other side of the gym. In fact, it seemed like Ashley was working to keep their group away from us. I thought for a second about telling Kaia why. She'd love to have some dirt on one of the Hilltop girls, but I knew it would be wrong to betray Derek's confidence, so I kept my mouth shut.
We chatted some with the Lincoln girls before settling down to work on more posters. Kaia and I picked a quiet corner of the gym and I was able to tell her the whole story.
"Oh my god, I had no idea," she said after I'd told her about Rory and Tim. "Why didn't you tell me?"
I pursed my lips and shrugged. "It happened last year. It's not something I'm gonna brag about, obviously."
"You could have told me." I could tell Kaia's feelings were a little hurt. "I told you everything about what happened with Chase, and it wasn't my most shining moment or anything."
"I'm sorry." I toyed with the edge of my cheer skirt, unable to meet her eyes. "Now that it's out there, I wish I'd told you about it sooner. No more secrets." I reached out and hooked my pinky around hers. "Promise."
Kaia dropped her paintbrush and put her hand over her heart in mock astonishment. "No way, pinky swear? Okay, I totally forgive you."
She grinned at me and I smiled back. "I also told Grady my name's not Mary." I thought about it for a second. "Actually I told Derek too. I mean that my name's not Barbie."
Kaia raised her eyebrows. "So where does that leave you? What's everybody supposed to call you now?"
I shrugged, then dropped my hands to my sides, palms out. "I don't know. I'm nameless."
"You need a nickname then. Don't worry, I'll come up with something."
I rolled my eyes. "Great. I'll have something to look forward to." I picked up my paintbrush and plunked it into the can of maroon paint at my side. "But on that note, I really am excited about getting together after school with the other girls to practice again. You're coming right?"
Kaia nodded. "Yeah, but I have to leave at four-thirty."
"So what's with your four-thirty exits?" I wiggled my pinky at her. "Don't forget, we have a bond."
Now it was Kaia's turn to roll her eyes. "Ugh. Promise you won't think I'm a total loser?"
"Maybe."
"Thanks. Thanks a lot." Kaia scooted in a little closer to me and talked in a voice so low I had trouble hearing her. "Back in eighth grade I got drunk one night and did something stupid."
"What?"
"I went to Hilltop with a couple other people and I threw a rock through the window of the principal's office."
"Oh, Kaia, what were you thinking?"
"I don't know. We were just fucking around outside and I saw a big room with a fancy desk, and the next thing I knew I'd picked up a rock and shattered the window. I didn't know it, but that tripped the school's silent alarm. I probably could have pretended it was an accident, except I decided, for some reason, that I was in love with one of the pictures on the wall, and that I had to have it for my room."
I giggled and covered my face with my hands. "No, no, no."
"Yeah. When the cops pulled up, they caught me running across the parking lot, clutching one of those fucking framed motivational posters."
By this point, I was howling with laughter, and the other girls were all looking at us, even Amy and Ashley's group. "Which one was it?" I managed to ask.
Kaia's face was beet red. "The one that says INTEGRITY. You know, 'Integrity is never an accident' and there's a picture of a fucking lightning bolt on it."
"Oh god, Kaia." I held my sides, they hurt from laughing so hard. "You're killing me."
She crossed her arms over her chest and waited for me to control myself. "Are you done?" she asked, when my laughter had finally calmed down to a mild giggle.
"I think so. Thanks, I haven't laughed that hard in ages."
"I'm glad I could amuse you. So anyway, I got in a shitload of trouble. My parents nearly killed me, I got suspended from school for a week and kicked off cheer for the rest of the year."
That wiped the smile right off my face. "Oh, man, Kaia. I'm sorry I laughed. That sucks."
Kaia cracked a grin. "Well, it was pretty spectacularly stupid."
I checked the clock and saw that we only had five minutes left before the bell rang. "Help me bring my banner up into the bleachers," I said to Kaia. She picked up one end and I grabbed the other, and we walked sideways to the top of the bleachers and stretched the paper out so it could dry overnight.