Night of the Creepy Things (5 page)

“Beast—get off me,” I said. I pried his teeth from my neck.

“Awwww, Bernie,” he moaned. “How'd you know it was me? Didn't you think I was a werewolf?”

“Werewolves don't drool that much,” I said. “Also, werewolves don't wear a school blazer.”

He looked down. “Yeah. Maybe you're right. Maybe I should lose the blazer.”

“Beast, why are you out in the hall leaping on people?” I asked.

“You were supposed to act scared,” Beast said.
“I'm making a movie. It stars me. It's called
Me, the Werewolf
.”

“Good title,” I said.

I was impressed. For once, Beast was acting fairly human. Whenever we went to the movies together, he always ate the seat cushion. But now here he was, making his own movie.

I glanced around. “Hel-lo. Just a minute,” I said. “There is no one else here. Who is taping you?”

Beast lowered his furry eyebrows. “Taping me? No one,” he said. “I'm making this movie by myself.”

“But, Beast,” I said. “You need someone with a camera…someone to shoot the movie. You can't just run up and down the hall jumping on people and biting their throats!”

“Huh?” he said. “I
can't
?”

I spent the night dreaming up scary movie ideas. Too bad I didn't have time to do any homework.

The next morning, I walked into Mrs. Heinie's class and flashed her a big smile. I knew I'd have to fake it today. Use the good old Bernie B. charm.

“You're looking terrific today, Mrs. H.,” I said. “Those bright red earrings you're wearing are totally awesome!”

“I'm not wearing earrings,” she said. “I have an ear infection.”

“Oh,” I said. “Well…it looks good on you.” I
hurried to my seat between Feenman and Crench in the back of the room. We always sit in the back. Mrs. Heinie is totally nearsighted, and she can't see us back there.

Flora and Fauna, the Peevish twins, sit in front of me. They were flipping frantically through their textbooks.

“We didn't do our homework,” Flora whispered. “We were too busy working on our movie.”

“What's your movie about?” I asked.

“It's about a virus that, when you get it, you can't stop pinching your sister,” she said. “It's way scary.” She reached over and pinched her sister's leg as hard as she could.

Fauna screamed. Her leg flew up and kicked the boy in front of her.

“See? Scary!” Flora whispered. “We've both got a lot of purple bruises, but I think we're going to win.”

She let out a scream as Fauna pinched her shoulder.

Sherman Oaks turned around with a big grin on his face. “I'm making my movie right now,” he whispered. “See that giant robot worm with the dripping fangs against the wall?”

I turned to the front. Yes, there was definitely a giant brown worm with fangs behind Mrs. Heinie.

“It comes from Japan,” Sherman said. “I can control it with this little remote unit in my hand. It's a robot covered in real worm skin.”

“How do they get the skin off worms?” Feenman asked.

“Don't even think about it,” Sherman whispered. “I'm using it for my movie,
Morning of the Robot Worm
. Every time Mrs. Heinie turns her back, the worm will creep up closer to her. Great suspense, huh?”

At the end of the row, Chipmunk jumped up from his seat. He was staring at the giant worm and shaking all over. “T-t-oo s-scary!” he stammered. “We're being attacked. Run for your lives!”

Chipmunk took a running leap and dove out the window. Luckily, our classroom is in the basement. He didn't have far to fall.

Near the front of the room, Billy the Brain had ants crawling in his hair and on the back of his neck. My friend Nosebleed was videoing Billy as he scratched and squirmed.

Fauna let out another scream. Her right arm was black and blue from all the pinching.

Near the window, Beast howled up at the sky like a werewolf.

Mrs. Heinie tapped her desk with a ruler to get everyone quiet. “I hope you've all read your homework,” she said.

“Yes, we have!” we all lied.

“Can anyone tell me what today's chapter was about?” she asked. “How about you, Wes?”

Wes Updood squirmed in his chair. “Uh…it's like jelly in a jar,” he said. “No worries, you know. Just jelly in a jar.”

Mrs. Heinie squinted at him through her thick glasses. “Are you making any sense at all?” she asked.

“Please, no hints,” Wes said. “Let me guess. Is it jelly in a jar?”

“Did you read the chapter?” Mrs. H. asked him.

Wes nodded. “Does jelly jiggle in a jar?”

Mrs. Heinie shook her head. “Wes, I don't think you read the chapter,” she said.

Wes blinked a few times. “Can I go to the bathroom?” he asked.

She frowned at him. “Class just started. Why do you want to go to the bathroom?”

“Just trying to think of something to say,” Wes replied.

Mrs. Heinie let out a sigh. “I don't think any of you did your homework,” she said. “I think you're all working on your scary videos and not doing your schoolwork.”

“No, no!”

“Not true!”

we all protested.

And that's when Sherman lost control of the robot worm. And it slid up behind Mrs. Heinie and bit her on the butt!

“I'm not happy,” Mrs. Heinie said, after she finished screaming. “I don't like being attacked by giant snakes in my classroom.”

“It's not a giant snake,” Sherman said. “It's a giant worm.”

“I should punish you all,” Mrs. H. said. “I should keep you from going on the overnight on Friday.”

Overnight?

With all the movie mania, I'd forgotten all about it.

“But it's too late to cancel it,” Mrs. H. said. “I'm sure you all remember that Friday night is the annual
sleepover night at the zoo.”

Everyone cheered. Sherman made the giant robot worm bob its head up and down as if it was cheering along with us. This sounded like a cool night.

Once a year school groups get to spend the night at the Lousy Town Zoo. I know, I know. It's a funny name. You see, the zoo was named after the man who paid for it, Louie B. Lousy.

Lousy Zoo Night is pretty awesome. We get a night tour of the zoo. They give us a pizza dinner. Then we set up tents and sleep in the gorilla house.

How cool is that?

Sherman turned around and flashed me a thumbs-up. “This is perfect,” he said. “I can shoot another movie at the zoo in the dark. I'll call it
Horror Zoo
. Totally creepy. I can't lose!”

Feenman tugged my arm. “Bernie, what are we going to do?” he whispered.

“About what?” I said.

“It's one week to Halloween,” Feenman said. “And we haven't even
started
our movie.”

“No problem,” I told him. “Don't even think about it. We've already won.”

“Won? How do we win? We've got nothing!” Feenman said.

“Trust me,” I said. “I have the winning idea. No way we can lose.”

I tapped Belzer on the head to get his attention. He spun around in his seat. “What's up, Big B?”

“Belzer—get that gorilla costume,” I said. “I want you to bring it to the zoo.”

“Huh?” His mouth dropped open. “But, Bernie—you said it smells worse than Beast!”

“Belzer, what do you care about a little smell?” I said. “You're gonna be a star!”

Friday night. Lousy Zoo Night. I sat near the front of the school bus and silently sang a little song to myself:

I couldn't think of a rhyme, so the song had to end. But I sang it to myself a few times anyway. It brought a smile to my face.

Don't you ever write songs in your head?

Hel-lo. Was I excited?

Does a crocodile have lips?

My heart was pumping. I could hardly sit still as we bounced our way to the zoo. Belzer sat next to me. I kept punching him in the shoulder. “You're the man, Belzer. You're the man!” I kept repeating.

Belzer stared at me and rubbed his shoulder. “Are you okay, Bernie?”

“Awesomely okay!” I replied.

And why shouldn't I be?

I finally had the genius idea that would win the Horror Movie Contest. My scheme would win the contest—
and
ruin Sherman's movie!

No wonder I was writing songs to myself!

The bus rumbled through town. Behind me, Beast shook up two cans of root beer, pulled the tops,
and sprayed root beer over the last five rows of kids.

That dude is a riot.

Flora and Fauna Peevish were pinching each other and screaming….

“No, I'm not!”

“Yes, you are!”

“I'm not! I'm not!”

“Yes, you are! I can prove it!”

“Ouch! That hurt!”

“Well, stop pinching me!”

“Then admit you're wrong!”

“
You're
wrong! Liar! Liar!”

I jumped up and walked back to their seat. “Yo. What are you two fighting about?” I asked.

They stared at each other for a long time.

“Uh…I don't remember,” Flora said.

“I don't remember, either,” Fauna snapped angrily. “Who asked
you
, Bernie Big Mouth?”

“Yeah. Get out of our faces,” Flora said. “We were having a nice family talk till you butted in!”

“Okay, okay,” I said, backing away. Talk about scary! I could videotape their “family talks” and win the contest!

I looked toward the back of the bus and saw Mrs. Heinie leaning over Chipmunk. Chipmunk had ducked down behind the seat in front of him. I could see he was trying to hide.

“It's too scary,” he said to Mrs. H. “I can't sleep with big, hairy gorillas. I just can't.”

“But the gorillas are in their cages,” Mrs. Heinie told him. “You'll be safe and sound in your own tent.”

“Can't I stay on the bus?” Chipmunk asked in a trembling whisper. “I'll just sleep here. Okay?”

“No one sleeps on the bus,” Mrs. H. insisted.

Beast had an evil grin on his face. He shook up another can of root beer and sent a frothy spray splashing over Chipmunk.

“Mrs. Heinie, can't you make him
stop
?” Chipmunk whined.

“No, I don't think I can,” Mrs. Heinie replied. “That's why I usually keep him on a leash.”

“It's for my movie!” Beast shouted. “
Attack of the Root Beer
!”

That reminded me. Time to get my big plan going. Time to start Bernie B.'s winning horror video.

I returned to my seat and pulled my camcorder out of my backpack.

Here goes. Watch genius in action….