Never Knowing (42 page)

“Take off your bra.” After my bra fell to the ground, I crossed my arms over my breasts. My whole upper body was shaking.

“Drop your arms.”

“Billy,
please
, I don’t—”

“If you don’t, I’ll have to do it myself.”

I dropped my arms.

“Now take off your panties.”

Tears streaked my face as I peeled them off. I choked back a sob.

“Are you going to rape me?” I thought of Ally in the next room. I couldn’t scream, no matter what he did to me I couldn’t scream. “It doesn’t have to be this way. I’ll sleep with you and—”

“I’m not going to
rape
you.” He looked insulted. “I’m not like your father. I don’t have to force myself on women.”

My temper reared but I held it in.
Shut up for Ally. Do it for Ally
.

He motioned to the dresser. “Put on your pajamas.”

I took out one of Evan’s T-shirts—one he knows I hate—and a pair of his boxers, which I never wear, hoping he would notice these details after I was dead. I put them on.

“Now we’re going to get some paper for your suicide note.”

After I found a pen and a pad of paper in my office, we headed downstairs. Once we were in the kitchen, he gestured to a half-empty bottle of Shiraz on the counter.

“Take that and sit at the table.”

I sat and stared at him.

“Drink some straight from the bottle.”

I took a swill.

He said, “Again.”

I did it, gagging on the last mouthful. Some spilled on my T-shirt. I thought about the lethal concoction already spreading through my veins, wondered how long it would take to stop my heart. Billy looked around the kitchen and back to me, assessing the scene again.

“Good. Now start writing. When the pills kick in you’re going to go lie on the couch.”

“Ally, she’ll find me in the morning and—”

“I’ll stop by first thing and find your body before she wakes up. And I’ll make sure she’s out of the house when the police show up.”

“Promise you won’t let her see me.”

“Sure.”

When I picked up the pen my hand was shaking violently. I had to think of something that would stall him so I could come up with a plan. But even if I could get to the alarm—then what?

“Write the letter, Sara.”

It wasn’t hard to write a sad good-bye letter. I told them how much I loved them, how sorry I was, how much I was going to miss them, but this was the only thing I could do. I cried the whole time I was writing. I wanted to stab Billy in the eye with the pen, but you couldn’t stab a man with anything when he was pointing a gun at you. Ally would be okay. Evan would take care of her. She’d grow up hating me, thinking I’d abandoned her. But at least she’d get to grow up.

When I was done Billy said, “Now we wait.”

Fear tight in my throat, I said, “You’re never going to get away with this.”

“No one will ever suspect me—and you know it.”

The phone rang and we both jumped. I looked upstairs, praying Ally didn’t wake.

“Let’s hope she’s a deep sleeper,” Billy said as it rang for the second time. She is once she gets going, but she hadn’t been asleep for long. I held my breath as I waited for her to call out for me. Thankfully she was silent and the phone didn’t ring again—it must have gone to voice mail. I remember Melanie’s number was on the call display when I first got home. Thinking she’d called to tell me off, I’d ignored it, but now I wished I could call her and tell her I was sorry a million times over. My chest heaved with the effort to hold in panicky sobs.

It had been at least fifteen minutes since I’d taken the pills. I couldn’t stop the tears streaming down my face now. I was going to die and I didn’t get to kiss my daughter. I’d barely hugged Evan good-bye. We never got a chance to be married.
Stop it, Sara. Calm down so you can think of a way out of this.
If I kept talking, I might be able to stay alert enough to at least buy myself some time to come up with a plan.

“They might not suspect you right away, but they’re not going to believe I killed myself. My family, Evan, my therapist, everyone knows I wouldn’t do this to Ally—and I’m getting
married.
I was just talking to one of my sisters about my bachelorette party. Why would I—”

“There’s a suicide note in your handwriting. They’ll believe it.” But something flickered in his eyes.

“My phone records show we talked tonight—you were the last person to see me alive. Your fingerprints are all over the dishes.”

“I came over to talk to you because you were upset.” He shrugged. “I didn’t realize you were suicidal.”

“But you’re a trained professional, you should’ve known. There’ll be an investigation, Billy.”

“I’ll deal with it. This will work.”

He was too calm. Nothing was shaking him. Panic came crashing back in on me, paralyzing my every thought except that time was running out. I was going to die.

I stared at Billy. Everything started to feel distant and slow, like I was moving underwater. I heard a roaring in my ears and wondered if I was going to pass out. Then Billy shifted his stance and my eyes landed on his tattoos.

Weakness stems from preparing against attack. Strength stems from obliging the enemy to prepare against an attack.

That was it. I’d found my strategy. I had to go on the attack. The fear left my body as my mind cleared.

“Like how your plan to catch John worked?”

His eyes narrowed. “It did work.”

“You never caught him—I killed him. I had to do your job for you.”

His hand tightened on the gun. I flashed to the conversation we’d had about how he used to have a temper. He’d trained himself to channel it and to hold it in, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t still there. What had he said about kickboxing? The opponent who loses his cool loses his coordination. Maybe if I provoked him, he’d let down his guard and I could make a break for the phone or the alarm.

“
The Art of War
didn’t help. It’s all just a bunch of crap.”

“This case
proves
it works.”

He said the words with conviction, but there was a slight flush to his neck. I’d touched a nerve.

“Nobody will take that stupid book you’re writing seriously—definitely not the RCMP. Even Sandy doesn’t listen to you.”

The flush crawling up his neck darkened. “She will. When she reads it and sees how it helped the case.”

“But you’re leaving out the part where you shot Evan, aren’t you? That’s why you’re killing me. Because if the truth comes out, then everyone knows you’re a liar—all your strategies and plans are bullshit. You broke the
law
.”

“It works. I just needed one big case to prove it. And I did.”

“No, Billy, you screwed up. You told me I had to be patient but you took matters into your own hands. Then an officer—your
partner
—got hurt. You rushed things and it escalated John.”

“John had to be stopped. Because of my actions he’ll never kill another woman.”

“But if you kill
me
you’re a murderer too, and—”

“I told you, I’m not going to jail—not for saving lives.”

“You didn’t care about stopping a killer
or
saving lives. Everything you’ve done all along has been for yourself.” His eyes were still dark, but he’d managed to calm himself down. I was starting to feel drowsy and light-headed. I had to take another shot. “You don’t care about any of the people he murdered.”

“You don’t know the first thing about me.”

“I know the RCMP are going to laugh when they find out what you did. This isn’t the first time you screwed up. Remember the old lady who got shot because you broke into that rapist’s house?”

He stood up. “You stupid bitch. You don’t—”

“You couldn’t control the case and you couldn’t control me. You broke the law to make the case fit the strategies, not the other way around.”

“If I was you, I’d shut up now.” A vein started to pulse in Billy’s forehead and he took a step toward me.

We both heard the crunch of tires on the gravel outside at the same time.

“Don’t move,” Billy said. “Shit, it’s your sister. You say one word and I’ll blow her head off.” Oh, God, Lauren.

I wanted to scream and warn her, but Ally was in the house and it was too late. Billy was already opening the door.

“Hi, Melanie. Your sister’s in the kitchen.” Melanie? Why was she here?

She walked in, spotted me sitting at the table.

“Hey, I forgot my cell. I tried to call—” She saw my face, turned to look at Billy. He had the gun pointed at her head. As she gasped and took a step backward, the sob I was holding in my throat broke free.

Billy walked forward with the gun still aimed at her.

“Sit down at the table with your sister.” She turned and looked at me, then glanced at the sliding glass door. “Don’t even think about it. Sara’s already realized what will happen to Ally if anyone does something stupid.”

Melanie’s eyes met mine. I nodded.

Billy said, “Sit
down
, Melanie.”

She pulled the chair out beside me.

“Put your hands on the table where I can see them.”

She did, slowly.

“Sara was just in the middle of killing herself. She’s already taken the pills.” Melanie’s gaze flew to my face. My eyes told her it was true.

She turned to Billy. “You can’t make both of us kill—”

“Shut up. I just have to adjust my plan.” He started to pace.

Melanie tried to stand up. Billy smacked her in the face with the back of his hand. She fell back into her chair with a yelp.

“Do you want to wake up Ally?” he said.

I said, “She’s right, Billy. How are you going to explain two deaths?”

He pointed the gun at me. “I told you to
shut up
.” He continued pacing. Then stopped and spun around. “John had a large fan base, all murder groupies—they’re angry you killed him. One of them decided to seek revenge.” He nodded. “I can make that work.”

Billy walked over to the knife block, picked up the biggest one, and hefted it in his hand, like he was testing its weight. He sliced it through the air, once, twice.

Melanie said, “Or I can help you.” I gasped. But she didn’t look at me. She said, “Suicide is way more believable—there’s already drugs in Sara’s system. We don’t have to hurt the kid. But it would look better for you if I’m the one to find Sara’s body. I could try to revive her, but…” She shrugged.

“You think I’m going to fall for that?” But he sounded tense. He knew she was right.

“I hate Sara.” Melanie spit the words out. “I’ve
always
hated her. She’s not even my real sister. If she dies, I’ll owe you for the rest of my life.” She dropped to her knees off the chair. Startled, Billy stepped back, the gun pointed at her face, but she crawled forward on her knees. “I’ll even tell the cops I saw her today and she was really depressed.”

From the side, I saw a gleam in Melanie’s eye. I wanted to say something, anything, but my tongue felt thick and my vision was a little blurry. The pills were definitely kicking in.

Melanie was in front of Billy now. He didn’t move.

“I’m your best chance to get out of this,” she said. Billy’s face was intense, his forehead covered in a fine sheen of sweat.

Her hands at her sides, Melanie rose, still on her knees, so her mouth was right in front of Billy’s crotch. He stared down, transfixed.

“I’ll do
anything
you want, Billy.”

I finally found my voice. “Doesn’t matter what she says—you’ll never get away with this. And when your
father
finds out, he’ll—”

Billy looked up. “You bitch—”

Melanie rammed her forehead into his crotch. He let out a huge bellow and stumbled backward. The knife fell out of his hands and skidded to my left. I lunged for it, but my body was slow to respond and I hit the floor with a thud.

Melanie and Billy were struggling for the gun. He grabbed her by the hair and slammed her head into the fridge. I reached for the knife but my fingers closed around air. I looked to my left and saw Billy dive for the gun on the floor—Melanie kicked it away in time.

He punched her. She went down and stayed down. Now he was coming for me. My vision was blurry, but I could see the gun in his hand. I searched the floor in frantic swoops. Just as my fingers closed around the knife, his hands grasped my feet and he hauled me out from under the table. I tried to grip the table leg with one hand, but he pulled harder. Then I heard a small voice.

“Mommy?”

Billy let go of my leg and straightened up. I thrust the knife into his thigh. He screamed and clutched at it. I was still gripping the handle as he wrenched his body backward until I was left holding the knife.

“
Mommy!
”

Blood from Billy’s leg was turning the front of his jeans dark. He dropped to his knees. My vision was getting worse.

Ally was still screaming. Billy crawled toward the gun, which had ended up near the sliding glass door. Moose was going nuts through the glass.

With the knife in my hands I crawled after Billy, but my body swayed. I focused my blurred eyes on his back as he stretched for the gun. When I was right behind him, I raised my hand with the knife. He saw me in the door’s reflection and kicked backward, catching me under the chin and knocking me into the cupboards. Ally screamed and ran toward me.

I yelled, “
Stay there!
”

Billy spun around, his face a mask of red rage, and pointed the gun at me. I used my last bit of strength to brace on my elbows and kicked my heel hard into the wound in his thigh. He screamed and I kicked out again, managing to connect with his hand and knocking the gun across the kitchen.

It landed at Ally’s feet. She had her hands over her ears as she screamed and screamed. Billy and I scrambled after the gun. I pulled myself onto his back and tried to wrap my arms under his neck. He got to his feet with me clinging to him and roared as he stumbled backward.

We hit the sliding glass door with a thud that knocked the breath out of me. As he stepped forward I slid off his back and landed on the floor hard, gasping for air. My mouth filled with the metallic taste of blood. He spun around and started to kick me. In my chest, my legs, my head. Pinned against the glass, I had nowhere to go. Behind me Moose barked frantically.