Never Knowing (41 page)

Tears of frustration stung my eyes. “I’m just saying we don’t know—”

“Baby, Jason’s waiting outside. I’ll call you tonight, okay?”

“Fine, go.”

*   *   *

He left a couple of hours ago, and I was so riled up I spent the entire time until our appointment going over the case in my mind again. I even went back over all my notes, the time line, everything. This gun thing is making me insane.

So maybe I’m just grasping at straws, mostly because Evan didn’t take me seriously, and maybe the gun thing isn’t important, but I called Billy and told him something was bugging me about the case. He was in the middle of a meeting but said he’d stop by later. Why can’t Evan be like that? Billy never makes me feel like I’m some drama addict.

SESSION TWENTY-FOUR

Now you’re going to make me cry. I understand you need some time off before you decide whether to move your practice to Victoria—you’ve been through a lot yourself in the last while. God, I don’t know how you kept seeing clients during everything. And thanks for the referral to your friend. I’ll probably give him a try, at least until you decide what you’re doing. But I can’t believe this might be the last time I sit on your couch, the last time I’m in this office. I hope it’s not. But I guess time will tell. Time tells a lot of things. My whole life I’ve bucked against time—usually because it wasn’t going fast enough for me. But then there are moments when it’s hurtling toward you and you’d give anything to stop the clock.

*   *   *

Billy came over after Ally was in bed. As I let him in I told him to sit at the table while I finished up some dishes, but he grabbed a tea towel.

We worked in companionable silence for a minute or two, then he said, “So where’s Evan tonight?”

“He had to go back to the lodge.” I snorted. “He couldn’t wait to get out of here.”

“Uh-oh. You guys fighting?”

“It’s just the usual stuff.” I sighed. “He wants me to move on and forget about the case, but it’s not that easy for me. The loose ends are driving me nuts.”

“So what’s bugging you?”

“Remember when you said Evan was shot with John’s Remington .223? Well, I remembered later that John told me his gun was in the shop—the firing pin was broken.”

“Huh. Interesting, but he probably had another one.”

“Evan said the same thing, but John always talked about that one being his
favorite
, like it was the only one for him. I mean, you heard the tapes. He talked about guns like they were girlfriends. Then I started thinking … look, I know this sounds crazy, but how do we know for sure he shot Evan?”

His eyebrows shot up. “Who else did you have in mind?”

“Yeah, that’s the hole in my theory.” I made a face and grinned. “The only other person who’d want Evan out of the way is Sandy.”

“Wow, Sara. I know you don’t like her, but that’s harsh.”

“It’s not that I don’t like her—she doesn’t like
me
. I hate that! Anyway, I know it wasn’t her, I’m just saying it’s weird about the gun. He probably had two, like you said, but can you look into it so I can stop obsessing? If he was part of those collector groups maybe he had to list all his guns for them?”

“Sure, I’ll look into it. But just for argument’s sake, if it wasn’t John, who else had a motive to shoot Evan? Don’t forget a shell from John’s gun was found at the scene.”

“I know John’s the only possible suspect, but the gun thing doesn’t fit.” I laughed. “It’s like OJ’s gloves.”

As Billy finished drying the last dish, I took the tea towel from him.

“I’ll put the dishes away. Sit.”

He turned and pulled out a chair at the table.

“Just out of curiosity, why did you think Sandy wanted Evan out of the way?”

I shrugged. “She was obsessed with catching John and she knew Evan was the reason I wouldn’t meet with him—she also thought my therapist was advising me against meeting him. It would’ve been easy for her to plant a shell at the scene and frame John. Three for three.”

“That’s it?”

I reached to put away the last plate. “Well, it was after my last fight with Sandy that Nadine was attacked. John always shot people—he didn’t jump them in parking lots. When John called me at the hospital he was really keyed up and kept saying he had to meet me. Not like he was anxious, like he was scared.”

I hung up the tea towel. Billy was watching me intently, his head tilted to the side. God, it was nice to talk to a man who actually listened and didn’t just tell me to
let it go
.

I said, “And I was thinking tonight that it’s weird he went straight to my house that day after he called me at the hospital. How did he know Ally was here and only one officer was watching her? Plus he knew I’d been talking to the police—he said he was going to explain later but he never got the chance. Maybe he’d been doing countersurveillance like you said and he saw something.” Moose came downstairs from Ally’s room and I let him out the sliding door. “Don’t you think some of that stuff is weird?”

I sat down at the table in front of Billy. He heaved a sigh.

“In cases where the suspect dies it’s hard to fit every piece together, Sara. But that doesn’t mean there’s more to it—it just means we don’t have all the answers. I’ll check into the gun, but I wonder if you’re having a hard time letting go for another reason.”

“What do you mean?”

His voice was cautious. “You might still be trying to deal with John’s death. Or maybe you’re having a hard time facing some other things in your life. Your wedding is coming up, and—”

“It’s not that. It’s just all these little mysteries really bug me. They make me feel like it’s not completely over yet. I’m going to go online later and look at some gun forums. John spent a lot of time on the computer—bet I can find something.”

“It’s pretty unlikely John would list unregistered guns, or use his real name on a forum. Even if we did find a list somewhere, we’ll never know if it’s accurate. There’s no way to verify how many guns he owned.”

“Good point.” I took a deep breath and let it out in a long exhale as I turned everything over in my mind. “Maybe I’m looking at this the wrong way. If we can’t prove he
didn’t
shoot Evan, let’s see if there’s any evidence other than the shell casing that proves he did. Tofino’s almost three hours from here. John would’ve had to fill up with gas somewhere along the way. Did you find any receipts in his belongings?”

“I don’t believe so, but that—”

“Guess he could’ve just paid with cash. Oh! We should hit all the gas stations on the way with a photo of him. It wouldn’t be hard—there’s only one main route. Don’t most stations have cameras now? People usually fill up in Port Alberni because it’s the last stop. We should start there. After I drop Ally off at school in the morning we can—”

Billy held up a hand. “Whoa. I don’t have time to canvass gas stations.”

“Okay. But I’m not going to be able to relax until I figure some of this out. I’ll go to every gas station myself if I have to.” I smiled. “I’m relentless.”

“That you are.” He smiled back. “Let me think about it. Got some coffee?”

“Sure.”

I poured a cup, then turned around.

Billy’s gun was pointed at me.

I laughed. “What are you…” Then I saw the expression in his eyes.

He said, “Put the cup down on the counter.”

I didn’t move a muscle. “What’s going on, Billy?”

“You never leave anything alone.”

“I don’t understand—”

“It was
over
, Sara. No one would ever have found out.” He shook his head.

I stepped back until the edge of the counter pressed into my spine. What the hell was going on?

“Billy, you’re scaring me.” I scanned his face for any sign that this was a horrible joke, but he looked serious. “What did I—”

“Put the cup down.”

As I turned to set it on the counter my mind scrambled.
Is this for real? Do I need a weapon? Should I try to throw the cup at him? Can I grab a knife?
I glanced at the end of the counter.

“Don’t even think about it. I’m three times your size and three times as fast.” He stood up and walked toward me.

“Why are you doing this? Did Sandy—”

“Sandy didn’t do anything.” He stopped in front of me

I searched his face. “Then why are you—”

“Because you’re right—I did fill up in Port Alberni. But I’m not going to wait to find out if there was a camera.”

“It was
you
? You shot Evan?”

“‘The warrior skilled at stirring the enemy provides a visible form and the enemy is sure to come.’” Billy stared at me, his eyes slits. “Evan was in the way and you needed some incentive. I also knew it would flush John out—he’d want to protect you.”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

“You tried to kill Evan so John would think someone was after
me
?”

“‘I attack that which he is obliged to rescue.’”

Everything started to fall into place.

“He knew something was wrong,” I said. “That’s why he was so panicky when he called me at the hospital and was making all those threats—
that’s
why he didn’t call my cell. He was
rescuing
Ally.” I sucked in my breath. “Did you attack Nadine, too?”

“I didn’t touch her. And if I tried to kill Evan, he’d be dead. I just needed to injure him for my plan to work. And I was right. You reacted, John reacted, and now he’ll never hurt another woman.” He stepped closer. “But now we have a problem.”

My legs turned to liquid. “I won’t say anything, Billy. I swear
.
”

“Unfortunately, I can’t take that risk.”

The words poured out. “There’s no risk. I’m not going to tell anyone. You made a mistake—but you were just trying to catch John. Even if someone did find out, you wouldn’t be in that much trouble—”

“I didn’t make a mistake.” He looked as calm as ever. “I shot someone, Sara—that’s attempted murder. I’d go to jail for a very long time. But that’s not going to happen.”

The way he said it terrified me. He wasn’t scared or panicked, much less desperate. He sounded confident.

My body started to shake. “What—what are you going to do, Billy? You can’t shoot me. Ally’s upstairs and—”

He held his fingers up to his lips. “I have to think.”

I shut up. He stared at me. His eyes were dark. The kitchen clock ticked.

I started to cry. “Billy, please, you’re my friend. How can—”

“I like you, Sara, but ‘the wise leader always blends consideration of gain and harm.’ There’s no gain in letting you live. But there’s great harm.”

“No, I
swear
. There isn’t any—”

He held up a hand. “I’ve got it. I’m not going to do anything.” My heart lifted for a moment, but then his eyes met mine and he said, “You are.”

My vision blurred as my blood roared in my ears. For a moment the room spun and I gripped the counter behind me. My head pulsed, but I couldn’t focus on anything, couldn’t think.

He said, “We’re going upstairs to get those pills your shrink prescribed, then you’re going to take all of them and write a suicide note.”

“Billy, this is crazy! How can you do this? What about Ally?”

“She’ll be fine if you do everything I tell you.”

“You can’t make me write—”

“Do you love your daughter, Sara?” His eyes were resolute. I didn’t know if he’d actually hurt Ally, but I didn’t want to find out.

“I’ll do it, I just—”

He motioned with the gun. “Let’s go.”

“Can we just talk about this for a—”

He gripped my arm hard and pulled me away from the counter. Then, with the gun pressed against my lower back, he urged me upstairs. With each step my mind tried to formulate a plan, but all I could think was,
Please, Ally, don’t wake up.
At the top of the stairs we turned and walked down the hall past her room, my heart hammering so hard it hurt. As we entered my bedroom tears started to slide down my face.

“Where are your pills, Sara?”

“In the—in the bathroom.” This was really happening, I was going to die.

“Open the medicine cabinet and take out the pills, but nothing else.” I stared at myself in the mirror. My eyes were huge, my face pale. I opened the cabinet and took out the bottle.

“Fill up that glass with water.” Billy motioned to the glass I’d left on the counter earlier. “Hurry up.”

I turned on the tap.

“Billy,
please
, you don’t have to do this.”

His voice deepened. “Take them.”

I emptied the bottle into my shaking hand and stared at the small white tablets. The glass was cold in my other hand.

Billy said, “If you don’t swallow them, I’ll have to shoot you. Ally will hear, then she’ll come to—”

I pushed the pills into my mouth, choking on the chalky, bitter taste. I held the cold glass to my lips and took a swallow of water, then another as pills lodged in my throat, the bitter taste traveling up the back of my nose.

“Those ones too.” He pointed the gun at a small bottle of Percocet I keep for migraines.

When I was done he nodded and said, “Now we have to mess up your bed.”

“But I don’t—”

“You were trying to go to sleep, but you were so depressed you decided to end everything once and for all.”

With the gun still pointed at my back, I tugged the blanket free.

“Now strip.”

“Billy, you don’t want to do this.”

He raised the gun and pointed it at me. “Right, I don’t. But no way in hell I’m going to jail.”

The books said to fight. But they didn’t say what to do if the threat was a cop. And they didn’t say what to do if your daughter was in the other room. I pictured Ally skipping in to wake me in the morning, climbing into bed next to my cold body.

I pulled my sweater over my head. He motioned with the gun to my pants. I unzipped them and tugged them off, leaving them on the floor.

I stood before him in my panties and bra. He was looking around the room, at the bed, at the door. Like he was making sure the scene was right.

He stepped closer until his huge body was directly in front of me.