Authors: Lindsay McKenna
Pepper put the sandwich aside and gave him a sad look. "I had been such an active, outgoing person before that, Jim. But suddenly I had no energy, no will to live. It affected my work, my interactions with team members—my family and my friends. It took nearly two years for me to climb out of that hole." She took a deep, ragged breath and looked up at the trees clothed in snow. "I was so afraid of ever feeling that way again that I decided to shut off the possibility of romantic love. I moved my commitment to my job, my family and my friends instead." Shaking her head, Pepper whispered, "I'd learned that love was the one thing that could bring me down—could break me and stop me from living and meeting the goals I'd set for myself. I made friends of any men who wanted to date me. I steered clear of entanglements." She lifted her head and stared at him. "I was successful at it. I had managed to control my life so it wouldn't ever hurt me that way again."
"I…" Jim allowed his hand to drop from her shoulder, digesting her pain and the intimacy of her admission. "Love can be hell," he admitted somberly.
"To say the least," she said brokenly.
"That's why I see so much fear in your eyes?"
"Partly," Pepper admitted
rawly
. "I never expected to kiss you, if you want the truth."
He smiled deprecatingly. "I didn't, either. But I'm not sorry that it happened, Pepper." When her head snapped up and her eyes widened, he added, "Not ever."
"I—" she struggled visibly with the admission. "—I thought we kissed after you almost fell to your death in that jump because we were happy we'd both survived it."
"And the island?" he asked quietly. "What did you write that off to?"
Wearily, she said, "I wrote it off to the stress we were under, that we could be killed at any moment. I felt guilty for having caused you to be injured in the first place. Guilt and worry—"
"I didn't write either of those kisses off," Jim said soberly.
Pepper stared at him, the silence brittle. "Why?" she finally forced herself to ask.
Jim felt her tension, saw the grief and terror in her eyes. Now that he was beginning to understand what was behind Pepper's wariness, he rasped, "A certain woman walked into my life and made me rethink what I wanted out of it."
Tears stung her eyes. Her voice cracked. "Y-you love Laura…." There, it was finally out.
The truth.
Jim stared down at her for a very long, painful minute. His hands tightened considerably.
Pepper saw the darkness in his eyes, but her tears wouldn't stop. Frustrated, she swiped at them with both hands. "I said you love Laura. There's no room in your life for anyone else, Jim!"
Jim assimilated her heated, anguished words. The suffering in her face tore at him. Her lower lip trembled as the tears streamed down her cheeks. With a groan, he called her name and moved closer before she could escape. His hands closed around her upper arms.
"I'll admit my
understanding of my feelings for Laura were
confused. My emotions ran deeper than I realized. I had fallen for her a long time ago, Pepper, before Morgan entered her life. The truth is I was far more interested in a possible relationship with her than she ever was with me. I was being an idealist about it, putting her on some kind of pedestal—and that was my fault, not hers. When Morgan came into her life, I was bitter for a long time. After a year or so, I got over it, or at least I thought I had."
Pepper met his suffering eyes. "And when Laura was kidnapped?"
His mouth went grim. "It raised a lot of unresolved feelings I'd buried inside, Pepper. When you and I kissed up on that ridge after I damn near died in that jump, I got even more confused. I liked you, but my worry for Laura and the stuff I hadn't worked through about her was clouding how I saw you." He eased his hands from her shoulders. "I don't love Laura. Yes, she's a good friend who deserves my loyalty, but I never truly loved her." He gently smoothed back several tendrils that clung to her damp cheeks.
Jim's hands were warm, strong and dry against Pepper's face, and she wanted so badly to fall into his arms and be held. Fighting it with the last of her emotional strength, she met his confused gaze. "Back in your condominium I saw how much you cared for her. I challenged you on your feelings for her, but you wouldn't admit anything."
"Yes, I recall now what I said when we had our talk." Frustration cracked his voice. "
Sweetheart, that
was a long time ago. I no more love Laura now than she loves me. She loves Morgan with every breath she takes. I've never seen two people more in love, more committed, than they are to each other." He touched her wrinkled forehead and her cheek. "I don't love her, Pepper. Please, you've got to believe me. I know I screwed up with you.
Badly.
So much happened so fast.
We had a mission to concentrate on." He pursed his lips, holding her lustrous gaze and seeing some of the pain dissolve from her eyes.
She nodded. "Yes, there was a lot going on," she conceded.
He raised his hands and followed the curve of her soft, dark hair with them. "I knew we'd come to some impasse between us. I felt it before and especially after the mission. Is that why you left the Coast Guard cutter early? You couldn't stand being around me because you thought I was in love with Laura?"
Miserably, Pepper nodded. Each caressing touch he bestowed eased a bit more of her pain. She absorbed his gentleness like a desert plant too long without water. How she thirsted for his touch! The feeling was startling, heated. "I know she almost died," she whispered unsteadily, "and I didn't blame you for devoting your attention to her. It wasn't Laura's fault. I've never blamed either of you. Sometimes love happens like that. It's no one's fault."
Making a frustrated sound, Jim pulled Pepper into his arms. At first she stiffened, but then, in increments, he began to feel her surrender. "Sweetheart, from the moment I set eyes on you, I knew you were special. I admit," Jim said harshly, burying his face against her hair, "that I was a royal bastard at first. Yes, I was upset that Laura had been kidnapped. She's been my friend for many years, and I like her, but that's all. I respect Morgan. I sure as hell don't wish that man any more pain than he's already suffered at the hands of our government. Yes, I was upset when Laura first fell for him. But I'm not an obsessive person, Pepper." Jim eased her away from him just enough to place his finger beneath her chin and make her look into his eyes. She had to understand his sincerity on the most basic level.
"When I finally understood that Laura loved Morgan as much as he obviously loved her, I backed off. Maybe I was a bit of a burr under their collective saddle for a while, but after I realized what was going down, I let her go."
Pepper drank in his dark, intense gaze. He was so close. So wonderfully close. She could feel the hard beat of his heart against her breast. His arms were strong, supporting, and for the first time in a long time, she allowed her full weight to lean against him. His gaze was probing, and she felt his frustration.
"Laura is like a ghost from your past," she whispered.
"Yes," Jim rasped, "and I've been battling your ghost, too."
Pepper frowned. "What are you talking about?"
"Captain John Freedman," he said, scowling. "I've watched your face change every time you talk about him, Pepper. I saw your eyes fill with tears, heard your voice go soft. What else could I think? Hell, it took every ounce of courage I possess to get up the gumption to fly out here and face you. I felt Freedman still had a claim on your heart."
"He doesn't…not any longer. I—I thought Laura claimed yours," Pepper admitted, embarrassed.
"No more," Jim whispered, touching her cheek. "There's a beautiful, strong, confident woman I'm holding in my arms this very moment. She's the one who holds my heart in her hands."
Pepper reached up, her fingers sliding along the strong line of his jaw. "John is gone," she whispered unsteadily. "And yes, I mourned for him." She squeezed her eyes shut against the pain. "I knew that because I was so different—because I refused to be anyone but myself—I would scare most men away, Jim." She allowed her hand to rest on his freshly shaved cheek and opened her eyes. "John was the only man who loved me just the way I was. He loved my confidence, the job I did in the army, my talents and skills. He loved me. He didn't try to pigeonhole me into what women are supposed to do by society's standards. He didn't care. He loved me for walking my own path in life, and I loved him for allowing me to be myself. There just aren't that many men out there who are confident enough in their own masculinity to let women be all they can be."
Jim smiled tenderly and brushed her tears away with his fingertips. "I understand," he whispered. "You're a new breed of woman, Pepper. You've been lucky enough to have parents who supported you regardless of gender, and you've been lucky to be born at a time in history where women are grudgingly being allowed to develop fully. That's one of the things that drew me to Laura. She's a lot like you, you know."
Pepper gave him a confused look. "I don't see much similarity between us."
He smiled a little and caressed her damp cheek. "That's because you don't really know Laura. She's held down a man's job in the defense industry for years. She's a noted specialist on defense issues. And like you, she never abandoned her femininity to become ‘one of the boys.' Beyond that, Laura is opinionated, stubborn and knows what she knows—just like you."
"I don't think I'm opinionated or stubborn. If I were a man, you'd say I know my own mind and know what I stand for."
Jim grinned a little, feeling some of the tension drain from her, even as it drained away from him. He saw a spark of defiance flare in her eyes along with desire—for him he hoped. "You're right," he amended. "You see, I'm still learning to give ground gracefully to women in general. I'm not as liberated or ahead of my time as John was." He held her gaze. "I wish I were, Pepper. But I'm beginning to understand what kind of raw, continual courage it takes to stay strong within
yourself
. Laura was the first woman to make me aware of that.
Now you.
I've been watching her gather up the shattered pieces of herself, not knowing whether she'll ever see her son or husband again, and she's fighting to heal herself despite that ongoing trauma. She has guts." Jim leaned down, his mouth barely brushing her tear-stained lips. "Like you," he whispered against them.
Pepper moaned as Jim's strong lips brushed hers. Without thinking, she found her arms sliding around his broad shoulders, feeling the latent power of his muscles beneath his jacket, discovering the power of his mouth as he pinned her against him. He eased her down on the blanket, the sun warm upon them, and a heated bolt of lightning seemed to plunge through her as his mouth moved confidently across hers, igniting a fire of such burning need that it turned her knees to jelly. His mouth was at once ravishing and tender, and she felt his ragged breath chase across her cheek as he deepened his kiss, taking her completely.
Pepper was lost to everything except Jim and his mouth covering hers. Their hearts clamored in unison, their bodies stretching and reaching toward each other, crying for closeness. As Pepper surrendered against Jim, her breasts pressing into his chest and the points of their hips grinding together as their thighs fused, she moaned in pure joy.
The joy of celebration.
Jim didn't love Laura! He was here to see her and only her. Her arms tightened around his neck, and she felt him tremble with barely contained need.
"Love me…." she whispered, dragging her mouth from his. Breathing unevenly, she unzipped his jacket. The day was perfect, the sky a dark, clear blue, and the world seemed to be holding its breath. She felt Jim open her jacket and ease it off her. The jackets became pillows as they stretched out on the blanket. Pepper's emotions were alive, illuminating her as if some golden light had been switched on within her very soul. She turned and, with shaking fingers, began to unbutton Jim's shirt. He smiled down at her. It was a very male smile, filled with incredible tenderness as he in turn, slowly unbuttoned her blouse.
Both articles fell to one side, and Jim's fingers lingered against Pepper's warm satiny skin, tracing the outline of her collarbones. She didn't have an ounce of fat on her, just solid, firm muscle shouting of a woman who was strong on so many levels that his heart nearly burst with need. She was his equal in every way, and he savored the discovery as he unbuttoned her slacks. Kneeling over her, he allowed his hands to slide down the length of her firm, long thighs and calves. Helping Pepper out of the slacks, he slowly stood.