Mitochondrial Curiosities of Marcels 1 to 19 (7 page)

‘Wow, Grandma!' Whew. For a second, I thought she wanted me to reproduce.

They go to bed and I pull out the broken picture, unwrap it and look. It's Grandma at her job in the old hospital. There are two people standing behind her – smiling nurse, deeply unattractive man in suit. They look possibly familiar, like all people the same age as your parents do. I wrap the picture back up to take to the Sally Ann. Maybe I can find a decent fifty-cent frame.

I lie back down on the couch to consider my position. My Divine Offering idea seems lame, like it needs a night's rest, and Leonard is de finitely out of range. My T-shirt rides up in front. I flip my navel ring back and forth and leave it straight up – dust mites could shoot through it in a gymnastic event.

Paige has left her backpack on the coffee table, beside Trinity, her yellow wallet poking out like the sun. Talk about abundance. When you're thinking with your heart, regular rules don't apply. Jojo Bunting, Spiritual Master, says so. From the heart, you follow guidance from the universe. My heart's thumping like mad. Yes, it says, do it.

Committing a crime in slow-motion means saying yes to evil about a thousand times instead of ten. That's how long it takes Grandma's computer to bring up the Credit Union website. Paige has her recent bank statement folded in her daytimer, so I have the account number and I'm right about her password – Teresa, her confirmation name. Everything works. The cold sore pain helps me rationalize the crime. Suffering's handy that way. Afterwards I check my blog and there are two messages about the key. Oxymrn says the key is so generic any lock it fits is useless, and Xme says she thinks it maybe belongs to a jewellery box, probably a cheap one, or maybe a kid's diary. Great. Maybe Leonard has another troubled child somewhere. I disable the internet afterwards. Sorry, Grandma. I'll call next week to talk her through fixing it.

I have to let my crime breathe, so me and the socks got comfy in Grandma's armchair. What if someone had said, okay, Dree, for your birthday you can have a new life in Toronto or nine pairs of discounted baby socks with Christmas motifs? Let's say I said the socks, obviously. What would I have known that I don't know now? A) The socks were spun from gold. Cliché. B) The socks belong to alien super-babies who will give me anything I want for the rest of my life once they get these socks. Predictable. C) The socks want to be something else, who doesn't. Okay. C2) The socks can be transformed into a new and useful lifeform but only by moi. D) Who knows, just get out the scissors. It's not like there's anything else to do.

The stuffing in Grandma's sofa is so old it's clumpy, so my creature's a bit lopsided. The lips are uneven but mostly smiling. The legs are different sizes and the eyes are too close. He's round and fairly stable when sitting, sort of Shrek meets Humpty Dumpty. The hat looks kind of construction worker and kind of French-guy. Ah, Dree, merci! What a lovely work you have done. C'est bon!

Maybe the only voice available to my imagination at three a.m. in Timbley is cheesy French guy. Maybe my new father figure is a sock. This is not a time for questions. Bonjour, I say. Bonjour, Marcel.

Do not worry, he tells me. You are doing so well.

Merci, I say and put him on the dresser so he can keep saying so while I sleep.

Who doesn't need one?

I used baby socks for these and they're très cute. Bigger socks work fine but the bigger your creature, the lower its cuteness factor. (I'm not saying it's right.)

Choose a happy sock. The heel will be the bum. The toe will be the hat.

1. Cut about 1/3 up sock.

2. Stuff head but not too much.

3. Pull toe into hat. Tack down hat with a few stitches.

4. Add more stuffing to head, and stretch a bit of sock face into mouth.

5. Add buttons for eyes or make paper eyes. Whatever you use, sew them on. Glue will never last.

6. Add more stuffing for legs and sew them up.

Sunday is another sugar-
TV
-fat fest, then Monday is clear and cold, the kind of winter day Leonard gets excited about. I had slept. I had slept for six straight hours, the most since Leonard died. Way to go, Marcel, I tell the sock. I feel almost close to normal and charge up the hill to the hospital, all eager youthfulness. The trees get taller and closer together so by the top of the hill I'm fumigated by piney freshness. Everything sounds snappish and crackly. A day for action.

The hospital grounds are très atmospheric as in looming evergreens and psycho-perfect lawns. Way across the lawn, on a small hill, the old hospital is three floors of creepy splendour. Bars on windows, crumbling brick, big veranda overgrown with ivy – we are talking off-the-charts sinister. They closed it down years ago because of asbestos, but until then Grandma worked on the main floor and Paige and I visited her. Asbestos particles were probably doing something malignant in some crucial part of my body as I stood there facing the building.

When we were little, and Paige and I would come up with Joan to visit, we would play outside while Joan and Grandma went for lunch, which really, when I think about it, was a little weird. Okay, kids, go play with the insane people, have fun, back in an hour. We crawled under those evergreens to be cozy, then ran out shrieking when gophers poked their heads up. My favourite game, though, was Who's the Killer, when we hid on the veranda from whoever wanted to burn us alive. In those days, I was preoccupied with the eternal flames of hell as described by Sister Elizabeth of St. James Sunday school. After our skin shrivels up like
bacon, I'd tell Paige under the vines, our muscles turn black, then our bones slowly become ashes which hurts the most and never stops. Eternal pain. The idea thrilled us.

There have to be traces of Leonard inside the old hospital, microscopic hair or skin particles clinging to paint and ceiling fixtures. I climb the stairs and look through the big window on the veranda – I cannot imagine him all in white including white shoes because no kidding. Who needs visuals when your parents met in the hallway of the major psychiatric institution in the province
and
were attracted to each other.

Ah!
OMFG
!

Ick ick in finite ick. There's a grey spot and it's moving. Against the baseboard. As in scuttling. As in mouse. So, that
really
explains everything. My parents hooked up in a mouse-infested hallway of a major psychiatric institution. Like the disintegrating planet isn't troubling enough. I bolt down the stairs.

Leonard never said anything about Timbley. I overheard him once talking about drinking contests with other orderlies and gambled paycheques. But that was it. In Grade 9 we learned about eugenics and I asked him if that was still going on when he was there. ‘Nah,' he said. ‘By then they were so much more re fined.' All I know for sure was that Joan and Leonard met in 1992, four months after he got here from Saskatchewan, that they married a year later, and that the year after that, they quit their jobs and moved to Edmonton.

I can't make myself go back up the stairs. One mouse in hallway equals ten more wanting to get in and that's the main door. Leonard, no way I'm going in there. Also, I just remembered that Joan told me about a patient who collected mice in her pillow-case every day. One day she got nine.

But what if that hallway is his connection port? Or the steps? Or the landing? No, I'm not getting a signal. Well, maybe. I stomp on each stair to terrify small wildlife, and, no. My next epiphany must be waiting in the new hospital which is completely atmosphere-free. We're talking long, low interconnected buildings that could be anything: a mall, bowling lanes, anything. I get that creepy somebody's-watching-me feeling and turn around. The old hospital stares down at me, blank and nasty as a sales clerk at Holts. And I stare back. As in, You're creepy but I'm mobile so hahahaha. Then I pass the ‘Brain Injury Drop-off' sign, talk about insensitive, and go through the automatic sliding doors of the new hospital which is all ‘Come on in, nothing going on here.'

I've only ever been there to visit Grandma, and it now occurs to me that just hanging out is maybe not okay. If I'm ever on a psych ward and who knows, maybe the free drugs will be necessary, will I want random people walking around looking for random clues? Yes, actually. So I impersonate the nursing students in front of me, good posture, purposeful stride. They're the only people who are clearly staff because they all have tucked-in ironed shirts. Otherwise most people are a bit rumpled and one person even has piercings, so I fit in here as much as I fit in anywhere.

All the way down the hall are offices, a row of office windows with blinds pulled. Why? What could they be doing? Maybe evil drug experiments like they used to do in the fifties. Or was it the seventies? Focus. The pink wall on my right is blank except for an eagle poster that says
Soar
and a bulletin board with photos of people wearing bizarre hats. Keep moving, I order myself.

The student nurses lead me to the cafeteria and I hit overwhelm. Killer smells fight it out, mostly disinfectant and deep-frying, possibly of mice, because the smell is pure nausea. And the noise. Clunking and wheelchair clicking and hard-soled shoes on
hard floors that shine homicidally because the overhead lights are so bright. Maybe that explains Grandma's taste in lighting. Maybe all staff have uber-bright homes because after this everything feels dark. Inhale 2, 3, 4, exhale 2, 3, 4. You know you're stressed when your two relaxation exercises come from your ex-stepmother who probably stole your inheritance. Actually I only use one since the other one, the corpse pose, is no longer relaxing. I'm on a bench in this little alcove being all discreet with my expansive slow breath. Since no one is around, I bend forward to exhale. I hang my head down to the floor and imagine a row of sinister people in white lab coats, and Marcel falls out of my coat pocket. I pick him up and the evil people are gone. Stuffed cutesy creatures have never been my thing, even when I was three, but maybe I've changed. Maybe it's his eye/body ratio, maybe the hat. Whatever works.