Mistaken (21 page)

“Sweetie, are you alright?” she asked from the hallway. “I started your bath for you.”

“Thanks Kay, I'm fine, I'll be there in a second.” She answered back, grabbing the folded letter and the rest of the stack, and taking them with her as she scooped up her pajamas. When she stopped to grab a towel from her linen closet, she could smell the scent of steam and lavender floating out from the bathroom.

The soothing scent of her bath seemed to reach out and coax her in. She smiled at her friend’s thoughtfulness before pushing the door open. Dillan gladly discarded the nasty scrubs as she watched the claw-foot tub fill with bubbly warm water. Kay had made sure it was nice and hot, the way Dillan liked it. The steam ran over the sides of the white porcelain as she placed the bundle of letters on the small table next to her tub. Dillan gingerly slipped into the steaming bath, submerging herself in the water until it almost reached her shoulders.

Dillan closed her eyes, and briefly dunked her head under the water, staying below for just a second. She let the heat fully engulf her, allowing the tension in her muscles to melt away. As she sat back up, slowly lifting her head out of the water, she wiped her hands dry with a hand towel, then picked up the first letter again.

Dear Dillan,

I know as soon as you realize who this is from you will no longer want to read it, or the rest of the letters for  that matter. You owe me nothing, and what I owe you can never be repaid in this lifetime. Still, I am begging you to read these. I am not doing this for forgiveness, as you have every right to never forgive me for what I did to you, or the pain that I have caused you. I am doing this for you; because at the very least, I owe this to you. These letters aren’t from me, they were sent to me from Jamie when we were still trying to hold onto what was left of our family in secret, after we were separated and put under witness protection. That was when he had found you.

You became such a bright light in my brother's life, that it made my existence just a little less grey each time I got one of these letters from him. I can only hope that in parting with these mementos of my brother, that it makes me a little less of a villain in your eyes. These are all the letters my brother ever sent me. Most were about his life with you. I know I will never be able to bring him back, and I will never be a replacement for him. But maybe these letters can bring a little of him back to you, or at the very least offer you a candid view of how he felt, and how you made him feel. Maybe it will help you realize how full you made his life even though it was cut short. Maybe the heaviness of your broken heart will ease a little once you see that he is still around you.

I am so sorry that I was the reason he was taken from you, and the reason that he had to lie about his past to you. I wish I could bring him back and take his place. But this is the best I can do. I can give you his words and leave you to live your life, so that maybe you can find love and happiness once more.

Goodbye Dillan. I wish you all the best.

- Trey

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

Dillan's eyes lingered on the last line, on the name scrawled at the end of the letter.
Trey
...the person she wanted to loathe most right now, yet his words rendered her defenseless. It would be easier to think of him as some monster and be able to hate him for the rest of her life. But he was making it impossible. She placed the letter on the table, and carefully slid the first one out from under the rubber band.  Jamie's familiar handwriting stared back at her as she unfolded the paper.

As she started to read she could practically hear Jamie's voice, playing narrator, reading through all the times they had shared together. From the first time he laid eyes on her, to their moving in together, and all the way up until he had decided that he wanted to marry her. Each letter brought back all the tiny moments that painted their life together in vivid color. She felt as though she was watching a movie play out before her eyes. Their movie.

A few stray tears rolled down her cheeks as she read each letter, taking in his words, hearing his voice. Seeing their life together through his eyes, how he had remembered her. She didn't know if the tears were from happiness or sadness anymore. He was there with her, telling her how much he loved her, and how he knew that she was the one for him. In the last year, he hadn't felt this close, even in the dreams that haunted and teased her with his presence.

Her eyes finally ran over the last words of the last letter, and it was as if he was sitting there with her. As if he was cradling her, enveloping her body with his. Laying her head back against the cool porcelain, she completely lost herself in his presence.  Going back to a better time, back to their life before. She knew that this would be the last time. She had to let him go, and at the same time let herself go. If he were really there, really holding her, she knew that he would be telling her the same thing. After all, if she had been the one that had died, she wouldn't want him agonizing over her for the rest of his life. She would want him to be happy. She would want him to be free.

Dillan found herself curling into him, or the illusion of him anyways. She stared up into his eyes one last time as he held her.  She had wished desperately that things had not turned out this way, but she had spent the last year wishing for things she knew would never change. She spent the last year in a numbed haze of medication and alcohol only to realize that there would not be any do-overs, or any rewinding of her life. She could never return to her old life with him.

She lay there a bit longer, partially covered by the now tepid water as a couple more tears silently fell and mixed with the bathwater.  As Jamie slowly started to fade away she realized too, that she could no longer afford to keep him in the forefront of her mind.

"Goodbye" she softly whispered as her eyes stared blankly at the side of the tub, no longer looking at him, no longer looking at anyone.

She remained still, resting until the water started to feel cold and stagnant. The bubbles had dissolved and though the scent of lavender still hung in the air, it too had faded significantly. She sat up slowly, glancing around the bathroom, noting that the room seemed to be void of something else. Emptier, colder. Sure the temperature could be attributed to the hot steam escaping through the vents, but Dillan knew it was something more; something else had left the room.

Dillan stood up, holding onto the sides of the tub, and carefully climbing out. The cool air on her wet skin formed goose bumps down her arms and back as she reached for her towel, wrapping it around her naked body. She dried off her body before toweling her hair so that it was no longer dripping down her back. After she had dressed, she took a quick glance in the mirror to reassess her appearance since the hospital. She felt somewhat better anyways. She grabbed the stack of letters from the table beside the tub before heading back out of the safety of her bathroom. As soon as she stepped out of the doorway, the aroma of something baking in the oven greeted her nose.  Kay smiled at her from the kitchen as she prepared something else; chopping away and ever so often wiping her hands on the apron she was wearing. This made Dillan smile, and it continued to reminder her about the reasons why she needed to move forward. She padded across the living room toward the kitchen to further investigate Kay' cooking skills.

“I made tater-tot hot dish.” She grinned at Dillan, answering the question before it was asked.

“And, a salad.”She nodded at the sliced tomatoes on the wooden chopping board. Dillan knew she had recognized the smell coming from the oven. The mixture of roasting vegetables and potatoes, with cream of mushroom soup created such a deliciously savory smell. She had remembered Kay cooking this several times during college and she had always thoroughly enjoyed it.

“Thanks Kay, you have already done too much. This is really great” Dillan smiled.  Kay smiled back at her as she dumped the chopped vegetables into a big wooden bowl filled with leafy green lettuce. She didn't need to say anything. Ever since they were younger, Kay had always taken enjoyment in doing things to comfort others.

“I see you found the stack of letters.” She nodded toward the bundle of disheveled papers in Dillan's hand. “They were sitting on the floor underneath your bed when I came to clean everything up. I wasn't sure if they were important or not.”

“They were." Dillan nodded, "I needed to read them, I'm glad you found them.”

“I hope the hospital food didn't spoil your appetite.” She mused playfully. Dillan smiled back and rolled her eyes. The food at the hospital had been nothing short of terrible. She had barely eaten while she was there, only when someone was standing over her. She walked over to the table and pulled out one of the wooden chairs, sitting across from Kay. She took a sip of sweet tea that had been placed out as she eyed the dinner Kay had prepared.

“I cannot tell you how long it's been since I’ve had some of your famous cooking.” Dillan sighed as she put her glass down and picked up her fork. “I know I might have already said this, but thank you.” Kay only shrugged, as if it was nothing at all to come play Dillan's babysitter.

“So...if you don't mind me asking...what were those letters for?” Kay asked after a few minutes. Dillan took another bite then looked across the table at Kay.

“They were letters that Jamie had written to his brother.” Kay looked intrigued, placing her fork down and taking a sip of tea as she continued to watch Dillan.

“Trey must have left them here for me to read. He thought it would help me to read all the things Jamie wrote about me.” Dillan took another bite, looking down at her plate. He must have brought them the night that Carlos showed up, she thought to herself. It would explain why he had shown up with her gun and her motorcycle.

“Did they?” Kay raised an eyebrow. She had not been very happy about what had transpired between Trey and Dillan. Kay only knew that he had lied to Dillan about almost everything and had nearly gotten her killed. Kay was not his biggest fan.

“They did. It surprised me actually. It was like seeing our whole relationship flash before my eyes once more but through Jamie’s. It was nice...” Dillan sighed. “Maybe I should go see him. Maybe I shouldn’t have thrown him out like I did”.

“But he lied to you, and he did almost get you killed... does one good deed excuse a lifetime of bad ones?” Kay voiced her concern, staring now into Dillan's eyes, her lips forming a tight line as her forehead pinched together with worry.

“I honestly don’t know.” Dillan shrugged. She used to think she had all the answers, but things no longer were just black and white. Neither she nor Kay said much else for the duration of dinner. Afterwards, Dillan decided to excuse herself back to her bedroom.

“Let me know if you need anything else.” Kay didn’t question her, knowing she was still recovering. Dillan headed for her bedroom and gently laid herself down on the bed. As much as she wanted to sleep and as much as her sore body ached for it, her mind was wide awake and it kept wandering back to thoughts of Trey. Thirty minutes passed. Then an hour. Giving up on an escape into slumber, she pulled herself back up, looking around her room. Without much thought, she got up, opened the closet door, and looked at Jamie’s side of the closet. Everything looked just has it had the day he died.

Leaning into his clothes that were still hanging up, she pressed her nose against the fabric and breathed in the faded scent of his favorite cologne. She was terrified of letting this place go, and letting him go with it. But she had to start, and being unable to sleep, there was no better time than the present. Her fingers gripped several hangers of clothing from his rack, then placed them in a pile on her chaise.

As much as it hurt to part with his things, it was also cathartic. If she held onto every little part of him, there would never be room for someone else.  She would donate what she could manage to part with and hold on to a few prized mementos.

Before the pile of clothes grew to an unmanageable size, Dillan grabbed one of his old duffle bags and started packing them into it. Before she knew it, she had the majority of Jamie’s clothes packed up. She looked down at his shoes then also grabbed several pairs tossing them into the duffle as well.

Just one shoebox was left, and the bag was barely zippable. She picked up the tattered shoebox that had packing tape around the lid, studying it with interest.  Her fingernails picked at the edge of the tape then tore it free from the cardboard, leaving it barely together as she discarded the lid on the floor. The unassuming box of what she thought were another pair of sneakers was stuffed full of white envelopes. Envelopes addressed to Jamie.

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

When Trey finally came to in the hospital, he knew it was a bad idea.  He felt sore, broken. There were wires and tubes sticking out of him and a neck brace rigidly holding his head upright as he lay in the hospital bed. The bright fluorescent lighting hurt his eyes. He had no idea how long he had been here.  He managed to turn his head slightly, looking for any sign of Dillan. His eyes fell on a familiar face, but it wasn’t the one he was hoping for. Agent Luciano sat in the chair next to his bed, looking equally as battered as Trey did. He sat forward, relieved to see Trey wake up.

“Why are you here? Where’s Dillan? Is she okay?” Trey’s voice was raspy and dry.

“She’s fine Alex. She was released earlier today. I needed to make sure you were okay.” His eyes were full of worry and guilt. Trey did not understand why.

“I didn’t listen to you.” He sighed, leaning back, “You were right about Carlos, and instead of trying to help you, I helped lead him here.” Trey tried to sit up unsuccessfully, a sharp pain springing up from his abdomen.

“What do you mean, you helped lead him here?” Trey’s eyes narrowed suspiciously.