Mind, Body, Home: Transform Your Life One Room at a Time (21 page)

are all family pieces. No other family members wanted the chairs so

she agreed to take them. Be conscious of whether you are the fami-

ly’s dumping ground for unwanted pieces of furniture. Most of us feel

guilty about getting rid of family pieces that we don’t want, so instead we find a family member who will take them. Don’t be that person, unless you really want and can use the piece of furniture.

The thought of getting rid of furniture is anathema for certain

generations. Furniture was passed down as heirloom pieces, particu-

larly bedroom suites. It was at a time when furniture was handmade,

expensive, and those with nice pieces felt grateful. In my generation

and younger, we buy and sell furniture on
Craigslist
like we would any other commodity. And now that furniture is mass-produced by companies such as IKEA, we don’t think twice about getting rid of a dresser because it no longer goes with our current style.

Just like a floor plan, the arrangement of furniture should allow the

energy to meander. Notice if there are pieces of furniture that you routinely run into. I once worked in an office with a desk that was too big for the space. The entire time I worked there I had a permanent bruise

on my right hip from bumping into the corner of the desk. Notice if

there are areas in your home that feel tight or cramped. Notice your

124 Our Energy, Our Emotions, and Our Stuff

breathing and how it changes when walking in areas with lots of furni-

ture and areas with fewer pieces. In placing furniture, here are a few tips to keep in mind:

• Avoid placing furniture in hallways.

• Allow at least three-foot walkthrough space in transition areas.

• Avoid placing furniture at a diagonal, except in certain cases

where it is necessary.

• Minimize furniture with sharp corners. Opt for rounded corners

instead.

• Mix your finishes. Wood softens a room, while metal and stone

harden a room.

• Reconsider using furniture from childhood, particularly bedroom

furniture.

• Find the focal point of the room, i.e., the fireplace, and arrange furniture accordingly.

If you feel like the walls are closing in on you or that your breath-

ing is labored, then you might have too much furniture. Many clients

report that they feel like the walls are coming in on them in all areas of their life. This is usually indicative of too much furniture and other clutter. On the flip side, I occasionally come across homes with too few furniture pieces and other décor items. The space has a cold, imper-sonal feel. Without adequate furniture, the space will feel ungrounded

and the energy will whirl around the room.

Collections

Nothing brings out our neuroses more, or displays them more, than

collections. Collections have provided many with a fulfilling hobby—

searching for a 1952 Red Sox baseball card, rummaging garage sales for

a signed copy of a Fannie Flagg book, or tracking eBay for an antique

Montblanc pen. I recall many weekends at auctions, garage sales, and

flea markets with my mom and sister looking at the necks of dolls for

Our Energy, Our Emotions, and Our Stuff 125

their make and year for our doll collection. I suppose it was a literal and metaphorical mother-child bonding activity.

After we grew up and went to college, we sold all of them. We had

moved on and had no desire to display them or even still hang onto

them in stored boxes. That was also the case with my sister’s rock col-

lection, my sugar packet collection, and my mom’s matchbook collec-

tion. We cycled through them like the next faded pair of jeans. But my

dad didn’t. He loved his collection of apothecary memorabilia and to

this day still has it.

This is a common example of the difference between men, women,

and collections. Men are hunters and apparently like to display their

prized killings. Instead of buffalo, it might be a tin car collection. Beyond this primal instinct, there is also an emotional reason as to why

men, generally speaking, have a stronger tendency than women to

hold on to collections (and also clutter). At every workshop or speak-

ing event I hold, a woman will inevitably raise her hand and ask how to handle her husband’s clutter or collectibles.

Clutter and the Art of Detaching

In 4000 B.C. when feng shui originated, clutter was not a big problem.

As a result of the Industrial Revolution in the 20th century, goods became mass-produced, our economic system was changed to a consumer

model, and we could not fill our insatiable appetite for buying stuff. The economic crash in 2008 gave us all pause before making a purchase. As

a society, we have become more conscious of what we bring into our

homes and what we need to take out of our homes. Clearing clutter

has become a global epidemic as people realize that they just don’t feel good with a lot of stuff. Many feel like they have been taken over by all the stuff accumulated over the last few decades. As a result, the urge to purge or declutter our homes has become as common as decorating.

One of my favorite quotes is by 19-century interior designer, Wil-

liam Morris, that says: “Have nothing in your house that you do not

know to be useful, or believe to be beautiful.”
But this is often easier said than done. It’s not always as easy as making some runs to Good-126 Our Energy, Our Emotions, and Our Stuff

will. There is often an emotional component that trumps the simple

time and logistics of clearing clutter. We have become addicted, or

emotionally attached, to our stuff.

Buying and accumulating stuff is just another way to distract our-

selves from our present lives. Like cigarettes or alcohol, our stuff is a quick fix to feeling good. When the high wears off, we are left with an icky feeling. Is this an overreaction to buying a new toaster? Maybe. But consumption can be an addiction that is hard to recognize because it is so socially affirmed by our friends, family, media, and government. Extreme cases of overconsumption may be diagnosed as hoarding.12

Knowing what and why we are attached to our stuff or certain items

will often break the emotional attachment with our stuff. For some of

us, having a lot of stuff is simply a distraction from our everyday life. A cluttered space results in a cluttered mind, which is exactly what some of us want,
at least subconsciously
.
In the same way alcohol makes things fuzzy, having a lot of things in your space will do the same. And on

some level, that may be the desired outcome.

It is not always the quantity of stuff you have, so much as the qual-

ity of stuff you are hanging onto. I had one client whose home was im-

maculate and she prided herself as being a minimalist and clutter-free.

She was interested in using feng shui to help attract a love relationship.

Her house felt very comfortable and she had an inherent knack for feng

shui. That is, until I went into her bedroom. Not only did she have im-

ages and shapes with the number
1
in them (a feng shui
no-no
in the bedroom as it signifies being single), but she had a stack of yearbooks sitting on her dresser and a stuffed animal from childhood on her bed.

12. If you believe you or a family member suffers from hoarding, you should contact a mental health professional. Hoarding is closely associated with Obsessive Control Disorder and other mental disorders, although it has

now been classified in the DSM-V as its own separate diagnosis. Similar to the difference between social drinking and alcoholism, so is the case with shopping and hoarding. When it comes to the point where it interferes

with work and relationships, then it may have crossed the line and medical help may be appropriate.

Our Energy, Our Emotions, and Our Stuff 127

Her closets were completely clear of clutter, but the few items that

she was hanging onto spoke volumes based on where the clutter was

located and displayed. Hanging onto her childhood and high school

years was keeping her anchored in the past and preventing her from

moving forward. While it is fine to keep memorabilia such as this, be

conscious of whether it is keeping you in the past, or not.

We all have our particular Achilles heel when it comes to hanging

onto items. For some it may be books or magazines. For others, it may

be Tupperware™ containers and kitchen gadgets. And for others, it is

clothing and jewelry. For these items that trigger us, we will come up

with the most imaginative and creative reasons to hang onto them.

In a clutter clearing workshop I held, I asked participants to bring an item that was hard for them to let go of. A woman in her late ’60s with short hair brought in a box of hundreds of hairbands. She was keeping

them “just in case.” After some discussion, she realized that she was

keeping them because they reminded her of her youth when she had

long, flowing hair. Upon this realization, she was able to release the box of hairbands, but kept one of them for purposes of memorabilia.

If you are hanging onto an item or items that you know you don’t

love or use, but still can’t part with, then it’s time to acknowledge an emotional attachment to the item(s).

With regard to a particular item, ask yourself these questions:

• What am I feeling right now?

• What memories does this item bring up?

• Who gave it to me?

• Why did I originally buy it?

• Who does it remind me of ?

• Do I feel guilty getting rid of this item? If so, why?

• Why? Why? And Why?

Be your own detective. If it brings up too much emotion, then consult

a counselor or put the item away for the next round of decluttering. It
128 Our Energy, Our Emotions, and Our Stuff

may be too soon to part with it. Once you realize why you are hanging

onto an item, it’s usually pretty easy to let it go. It’s almost magically easy. You may be surprised. What you thought was just an old hair-brush may actually be a reservoir of past emotions that you and your

sister shared when she helped you get ready for prom. Or maybe the

green gingham shirt with the price tag still on it conjures up guilt for buying things that are on sale and never wearing them. Until acknowledged, the shirt will hang in your closet serving only to attract the pattern for more guilt.

It’s never just about the item itself. It’s the emotion the item holds.

And so it’s not about detaching from the item, per se. It’s about ac-

knowledging and feeling the emotion that you have stored away in this

item. Make peace with it in the form of crying, forgiving, remember-

ing, or resolving. And then you can move on. Say
Thank You and Goodbye
to honor the item and yourself. If you have the awareness but still don’t want to get rid of the item, then it may simply be too early. See how you feel the next round of decluttering.

To start the process of decluttering, I recommend working in baby

steps. In doing so, you will build up the confidence that will keep you going through the long haul. Once you realize that life will go on with fewer items, you will not only want to clear out more stuff, but will

start to feel a freedom in your mind and your body. And when you feel

this sense of freedom you know you have mastered the art of detaching

from your stuff.

“What About My Husband’s Clutter?”

This is a question I have heard at just about every workshop or event I have held. While women are known to be shoppers, it is actually men

who have the harder time letting go of stuff, generally speaking. For a while, I thought it was just wives placing blame on their husbands. But when the question kept coming up and I even witnessed this epidemic

at client’ homes, I started exploring this notion of men holding on to their stuff. While women have plenty of their own clutter challenges

to own up to, it is true from my observations that men have the harder

Our Energy, Our Emotions, and Our Stuff 129

time getting rid of stuff. This is of course a general observation and not true across the board.

Why is this? Our stuff is containers for our emotions. Every item

we possess holds our memories, thoughts, and emotions to a certain

extent. Items from our past, especially childhood, are like vats of emotions. Women are more likely to process through their emotions than

men. Women will get upset, cry, and move on. Men generally do not.

Instead, their emotions are contained in their things, making it much

more difficult to get rid of them. Getting rid of a baseball card collection or high school football jersey is like ripping away a part of their body.

My advice for people in this circumstance, regardless of whether it

is your husband, wife, partner, or roommate, is to be a positive exam-

ple. Usually once they see you get rid of items and the positive effects therefrom, they will be much more inclined to jump in and get rid of

items too.

All household objects are holders for our emotions. They are mem-

ory keepers sitting around your home. The emotion could be as sim-

ple as loving a piece of artwork you purchased on your day off to a

necklace in the bottom of your jewelry box that conjures up memories

of your ex-boyfriend. We project our emotions onto these objects and

our emotions become a part of their energy field. Clearing out clutter

is equivalent to clearing our energy field. By throwing away or giving