Michaela's Choice (11 page)

“I know it’s really none of my business, but while you seem so good at taking care of others, I wondered what your dreams are.”

It was something she’d never thought about. Two years ago, she’d known exactly what she wanted. She loved being a mother and a wife. But all of that had changed. How could she even begin to understand what she wanted out of life?

When she didn’t answer, Eric gently slapped the reins, his gaze seemingly lost in the distant horizon. “After my wife died, I felt so out of control. All my time and energy went into working the farm and caring for the children—until finally I realized if I didn’t take care of myself, both emotionally and spiritually, I wouldn’t be able to do anything after a while. All I want to say is that it’s all right to think about what your own needs are.”

The words seemed to pierce straight through her soul. She regularly turned to God, full of requests and needs, but wasn’t there supposed to be so much more to her relationship with her heavenly Father? When was the last time she’d studied her Bible? What about times of worship and adoration? She suddenly realized how empty she was spiritually. Could the fact that she’d been neglecting her relationship with God be the reason she felt both spiritually and emotionally drained? It seemed so simple, but somehow she’d missed it.

“ ‘O come, let us worship and bow down: let us kneel before the Lord our maker.’ ” Michaela spoke the words from the Bible aloud, barely more than a whisper.

Eric must have heard her quiet voice. “One of David’s psalms?”

Michaela nodded and clasped her hands in front of her. “You know, you’re right. I’ve been so busy trying to stay busy, it seems my prayers have become nothing more than one-sided requests when I’m hurting or needing something. I can’t remember the last time my heart was full of praise and worship.”

Eric slowed the horses as they came to the top of a slight ridge and started down the other side. “That’s an essential part of our relationship with Christ and in our healing.”

Michaela unfolded her hands and played with the folds of her skirt. A light snow had begun to fall. She watched a flake land on the material, then slowly melt. “It’s still so hard. I want to forget the past, and I’m good at staying busy so there isn’t time to think. Losing Ethen and Leah was the hardest thing that ever happened to me.”

“Psalm 47 says, ‘He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds.’ ”

Daniel and Emma’s frame house appeared in the distance. In the past few months, it had become a haven of safety for her, but she had neglected to let Christ be her true refuge. Eric had reminded her of something she’d ignored in her life, and she knew she couldn’t just leave it at that.

Eric stopped the horses in front of the house. “I really enjoyed spending the afternoon with you.”

“Thank you for such a wonderful afternoon, Eric.”

Eric jumped down from the wagon and hurried to the other side, where he helped Michaela down. As her foot hit the ground, she lost her balance and fell against Eric’s chest. She looked up into his eyes, and before she knew what was happening, his lips met hers.

For a moment, she felt herself responding.

“No!” She pushed herself away, still feeling the burning sensation on her lips.

“I’m sorry.” Eric looked down at her. “I didn’t plan to kiss you, Michaela. It just seemed so natural.”

“It’s not that; it’s just. . .”

Questions flashed through her mind as she tried to stop the panic rising in her throat. What about Philip? She started to slowly back away from Eric.

“Wait, Michaela.” Eric gently brushed a snowflake off the end of her nose. “Tell me the truth, Michaela. Is it just me, or do you feel something as well?”

Michaela took a deep breath, trying desperately to make sense out of her jumbled emotions. She knew she felt a strong physical attraction to Eric, but was there something more? Something deeper?

No! I’m going home to Philip.

“Is there someone back in Boston?” He glanced down at his boots. Swallowing hard, he looked off to one side, clenching his jaw and waiting for her response.

“No. . .Yes!” Michaela’s eyes were wide with confusion as she looked at Eric. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t expecting this.”

“Neither was I.”

“There is. . .”
I have to tell him the truth. I have to tell him about Philip.

Michaela searched for the right words, but something held her back. Her mind spun out of control. She couldn’t think clearly. She had to get inside the house.

“Maybe I’m wrong.” Eric drew a deep breath. “I thought there was something between us. I apologize. It just all seemed so real today with you and the kids, and the ride home. Then when I kissed you. . .”

“I’m sorry.” Michaela wiped away a tear with the back of her hand, turned around, and ran toward the house.

Daniel and Emma were sitting on the sofa and talking when Michaela burst into the parlor. “Daniel, would you please put Honey into her stall?” Michaela hurried into her room and threw herself on the bed.

What was the matter with her? How could she have reacted this way over a kiss? And more importantly, why hadn’t she told Eric the truth?

If deciding to marry Philip was supposed to simplify her life, why did things suddenly seem so complicated? Marrying Philip was the right decision. But if that were true, why had Eric’s kiss turned her heart, and maybe her life, upside down?

❧

Eric dug the pitchfork into the loose hay, trying to get his mind off Michaela—something he hadn’t been able to do for the past two hours. He wiped the sweat from his forehead with his sleeve and sighed.

Michaela Macintosh.

She had captivated him from the moment he first laid eyes on her. These last few weeks, he found himself thinking more and more about this woman who had come into his life. He loved the way she worked with the children and her willingness to teach them piano.

She was beautiful, too. He had found himself watching her and wondered if she noticed. He loved how she constantly pushed back the stray lock of hair that always fell in her eyes and how her eyes crinkled when she laughed. When he accidentally brushed next to her, her skin was soft against his arms, and he couldn’t help wondering what it would be like to hold her.

Then tonight, when he kissed her, he realized he loved her. He had known for a long time now that he missed her when she was gone, and when they were together, he couldn’t keep his eyes off of her. Yes, he knew now that he loved her, but how could he have been so wrong about her feelings toward him?

Eric scooped up another mound of hay and added it to the pile. He had begun to think she was the one God had brought into his life to make him whole again—a second chance at love. He was lonely and knew he wanted to marry again, but it had to be someone who loved the children and whom the children loved as well. After today, it had all seemed so clear. How could he have been so wrong?

The barn door creaked open, and Rebecca stepped into the light of the lantern.

“Rebecca.” Eric leaned against the pitchfork. “Is something wrong?”

She shook her head and walked toward him, pulling her coat closer around her. “No, I saw the light and thought you must be home. What are you doing?”

He followed her gaze to the two piles of hay. He’d worked for an hour and done nothing more than move the pile a few feet to the right. He shook his head and ran his fingers through his hair. “I couldn’t sleep.”

Rebecca stifled a yawn and sat down on a packed bale of hay. “What happened with Mrs. Macintosh?”

Eric closed his eyes briefly, cringing inwardly at the memory. “I kissed her.”

Shadows dancing across Rebecca’s face revealed a smile. “That’s wonderful.”

He shook his head and set the tool against the wall before coming to sit beside her. “It was supposed to be.”

“I don’t understand.”

Eric leaned back against the barn wall and sighed. “I thought you were the one who was supposed to come to me about relationships.”

“Talking helps. That’s what you’ve always told me.”

Eric closed his eyes again, but all he could see was Michaela standing in front of him. “I don’t know, Rebecca. I must have totally misread her.”

“I’m sorry. I, well, all of us kids really like her.” She reached out and took his hand. “I just want you to be happy, Father.”

Eric squeezed his daughter’s hand, then stood and picked up the pitchfork again. “Go on to bed. I’ll be in later.”

He watched as his daughter slipped out of the barn and headed toward the house. He’d allowed her to shoulder far more responsibility than a young woman should have to deal with. All this time he’d thought he’d been handling things fine without a wife, but instead, he’d unknowingly placed a large burden on his daughter.

He needed Michaela. His family needed Michaela. And if he was right, Michaela needed them. If she could just find a way to let go of the past, then maybe, just maybe, she’d be able to take another chance at love—with him.

Eleven

Michaela rose early the next morning, after a restless night. She would see Eric at church today and dreaded facing him
after last night’s scene. What a fool she had been. Why had
n’t she just told him about Philip?

Needing to talk to someone, Michaela fixed a breakfast tray for Emma, then knocked gently on her door.

“Good morning.” Michaela entered the room. Emma sat snuggled under a thick quilt reading a book. “Are you hungry?”

“You’re just in time. I’m starving.” Emma set the book down and pushed her long braid off her shoulder.

Michaela placed the tray on the small table beside the bed and handed Emma the steaming plate. “I’m sure glad food doesn’t turn your stomach anymore.”

“Me, too, except now that I can eat, I can’t get out of bed.” Emma laughed and took a small bite of eggs.

“Is Daniel out working already?” Michaela walked to the window and looked out across the white snow that glistened in the morning sunlight. “His breakfast is on the stove.”

“Daniel’s been up for hours. I don’t know how he always manages to get going so early.”

Michaela rubbed her hands together, then turned to face Emma. “Can I talk to you about something?”

“Of course. What is it?”

“I spent half the night thinking and praying. I had such a nice time yesterday afternoon with Eric and the kids. We ate a delicious lunch Rebecca fixed, then had a sing-along.” The knot in Michaela’s stomach grew, and she paced the short side of the room. “On the way home, he brought up some things that really challenged me spiritually. Things I needed to hear.”

“I’m not sure I see what the problem is.” Emma took a drink of her milk before setting it back on the tray.

“He kissed me.”

“Oh.” Emma set her fork down and gave Michaela her full attention.

Michaela took several more broad steps across the room. “Last night I lay in bed and all I wanted to do was take the next train away from here.”

“Did you tell him about Philip?”

Moving back to the side of the bed, Michaela sat beside Emma, her gaze fixed on the dark brown sheen of the hardwood floor. “That’s the problem. I didn’t tell him.”

“You didn’t tell him!” Emma’s voice rose slightly. “Why not?”

Michaela stood again, knowing there could be no excuse for her behavior. She had to tell him the truth, but the very thought of telling him made her stomach turn. She didn’t want him to think she’d purposely deceived him. It hadn’t been that at all.

She ran her hands down the sides of her dress, wiping away the moisture. “I don’t know why I didn’t tell him. I keep asking myself that same question over and over. When he kissed me, I couldn’t think.”

“He deserves the truth, Michaela.”

“I know.”

Emma set her plate on the tray and pulled the covers over her swollen abdomen. “Could it be you have feelings for Eric and don’t want him to know about Philip?”

Michaela inwardly winced at the question, trying to disregard any truth to the notion. “The time I’ve spent with Eric and his children has been wonderful, but. . .”

“And now?”

“It doesn’t matter.” She shook her head. “Philip loves me, and I belong in Boston with him. I’m going to marry Philip.”

Michaela stood up and walked back to the window.
Whatever her feelings toward Eric and his children, nothing could erase the mistake she’d made. Why hadn’t she told Eric about Philip? All along there had been plenty of opportunities.

“Come and sit down.” Emma patted the top of the quilt beside her and Michaela complied. “Eric’s the kind of man any woman would be blessed to have for a husband, and he cares about you. I know I shouldn’t say this, but be careful about closing the door unless you’re sure. If you really are in love with Philip, then that’s wonderful, but just make sure you’re not marrying Philip because it’s convenient and safe. Don’t do something you’ll regret later on.”

Michaela fought against the wisdom of her sister-in-law’s advice. “It’s true that I don’t love Philip the same way I loved Ethen, but I don’t think I’ll ever love anyone as much as Ethen. Philip loves me. We’ll have a good life together.”

Emma bit her lip, and it was obvious to Michaela she wanted to say more. Needing to be alone with her thoughts, Michaela stood and went to the door. “I’d better get ready for church. Do you need anything else?”

“No, but come and talk to me anytime you need to.”

Michaela turned around, her hand against the doorknob. “Thank you.”

❧

Michaela looked for Eric as she sat down on the pew next to her brother. All the Johnson kids were there except Ruby, and there was no sign of Eric.

The service began, and after singing two songs, the minister stood before the congregation.

“ ‘If the Son therefore shall make you free, ye shall be free indeed.’ ” He began the morning’s sermon, quoting from John 8:36.

Michaela forced herself to concentrate on the lesson, but the memory of Eric’s hurt expression the night before continued to haunt her.

As soon as services were over, Michaela followed Daniel out to the wagon without getting a chance to talk to the Johnson children. He hated to leave Emma even for a short amount of time and wanted to hurry back to the house. Michaela sat silent for the first five minutes, thinking only of the words from the sermon.

“I think starting next week I’ll let you ride to church alone,” Daniel said as they passed the town cemetery and rode into the shadows of the covered bridge. “Emma’s due date is right around the corner, and I don’t want anything to happen while I’m gone.”

“We can switch off until the baby’s born, if you like.” Michaela stared out across the landscape but saw little.

Daniel reached over and patted his sister’s hand.

“You’ve seemed a bit. . .I don’t know if depressed is right, but maybe distracted lately. I hope you’re not working too hard.”

“No, it’s not that.” Michaela decided to tell him the truth. “It’s Eric.”

“He’s interested in you?”

Michaela grasped her Bible tightly against her chest and nodded. “I didn’t realize he had feelings for me. Everyone kept hinting, but I just ignored it. I guess I should have noticed, but I didn’t want to.”

“I’m not surprised.”

“There’s more.” Michaela felt another wave of guilt consume her. “I didn’t tell him about Philip.”

Daniel’s brows rose in question. “Why not?”

“I’m still trying to understand how I feel. When Ethen and Leah died, I wanted to die, too. Sometimes I feel like my life is spinning out of control. When I decided to accept Philip’s proposal, I felt like I had control over my life again.” She rolled a piece of the fabric of her skirt between her forefingers. “Then today I realized the truth. God’s the only One who can truly set us free from our past. I have to let Him be totally in control of my life.”

“ ‘If the Son therefore shall make you free, ye shall be free indeed.’ ”

Michaela knew she was free through Christ because her past sins had been forgiven. But what did it really mean to be set free?

“In Christ we have freedom from sin.” Michaela struggled to formulate her thoughts. “What about freedom from other things? The fruits of the Spirit are clear—love, joy, peace, patience, and so forth.”

She let her gaze scan the horizon. “What I’m trying to say is, aren’t we free from what’s contrary to these fruits?” Things began to grow clear for her. “As Christians, we leave the past and our sins behind, and in turn we are to live like the Spirit. That means we give up hate, discord, sorrow, and impatience.”

“You’re right.” Daniel tilted his head and nodded in agreement. “I’ve never thought about it that way.”

Michaela took a deep breath and looked at her brother.
“I felt convicted today during the lesson, because I’m still carrying with me the pain, sorrow, and even guilt over Ethen’s and Leah’s deaths. I know God understands our pain and that the grief we go through is a part of healing, but instead of healing, I’ve been holding on tightly to it.”

Michaela clenched her fists together in her lap. “I haven’t walked with the Spirit of God, allowing Him to restore me and fill me with the joy of His presence.”

The grief that had been bottled up inside her for so long began to flow down her cheeks, but Michaela’s heart lit with joy. “See, God is the only One who can give me back my joy. Not Philip. Not anyone.”

For the first time in two years, Michaela felt a true sense of deep peace surround her.

Daniel reached over and took her hand. “So what about Philip? Does he still fit into things?”

Michaela nodded her head and smiled. “I think so, but that’s what I have to pray about.”

❧

Michaela sat in her room later that afternoon, thinking about what she and Daniel had discussed. She knew she needed to talk to Eric, but even more important, she needed some time with her heavenly Father.

“God, I realize how much I need freedom from the past, and You’re right here, waiting for me to give it up to You.” Tears began to flow down her face, but she didn’t attempt to wipe them away. “I need the peace You’ve promised. The peace that passes all understanding.”

Ethen wouldn’t have wanted her to sit and mope, wishing things were different. It certainly wouldn’t change anything. She could almost see Ethen sitting in the chair across the room, looking at her with his smile that had been only for her.

“I have to say good-bye, Ethen,” Michaela said aloud. “I have to go on with my life. I realize you would want me to be happy, and instead I’ve mourned for something I can never have again. I miss you so much. And Leah, with her dark hair and bright eyes. My little angel. Please take care of each other for me and know I’ll never stop loving you. I just can’t stop living.”

It was time to move on.

❧

An hour later, a knock on the door jolted Michaela out of a deep slumber. In her dream, she’d been running through a green valley after someone, but in the hazy fog, she couldn’t tell who it was. Pushing aside the vague impression of a tall, dark-haired farmer, she stumbled to the door and opened it a crack, still trying to wake up.

Daniel stood at the door, his hands shoved in his pockets. “I’m sorry to wake you. Hiram Williams is here to see you.”

“Hiram Williams?” Michaela stifled a deep yawn.

“From church.”

She shook her head, not understanding why Hiram would want to see her. “What does he want?”

Daniel grinned. “Let’s just say this isn’t a business call.”

“Oh.” Her mouth curved into a frown at the implication. “Tell him I’ll be right out.”

Michaela glanced in the mirror, making sure she looked
presentable. She smoothed out her dress and put a stray strand of hair in place. Taking a deep breath, she went into the parlor.

“Hiram.” He stood to greet her, rotating the brim of his had between his hands. “How nice to see you.”

Michaela recognized the tall redhead from church. He had a big smile and a face full of freckles. She had never spoken to him other than to say a polite hello at church services.

“I hope you don’t mind me dropping by.” He gave her another sheepish grin as she took a seat across from him. “I tried to catch you after church today, but you left in quite a hurry.”

Michaela leaned against the back of the Boston rocker. “Daniel and I needed to get home to Emma. The baby is due in less than three weeks now.”

“I’m sure they’re very grateful you’re here to help out with things. Running a farm is a big job. I know from experience, though winter is a bit slower.” Hiram continued talking, hardly taking a breath. “I own a farm not ten miles from here. My father farmed it until he died three years ago, then I took it over. I’m an only child, so naturally, the farm is mine now.”

“That’s nice.” Michaela forced a smile, wondering when he would get to the point of his visit.

“I had a really good crop this year.” He rested his forearms against his thighs in an apparent attempt to get comfortable. Michaela smiled inwardly at the picture he made. The hefty farmer seemed out of place in a parlor filled with dainty porcelain dishes and Emma’s collection of lacy sandwich plates.

“In fact, this has been the best year yet,” he continued. “I won’t bore you with all the details. I’m sure coming from the city, farming might not be one of your interests?”

He said it like a question, and Michaela wondered what he wanted her to say.

“Actually, I’ve learned a little about farming since I’ve been here. I have to admit, though, I’d never milked a cow before I came here.”

Hiram let out a deep belly laugh. “And I’ve been milking cows since the day I could walk.”

Michaela gave him a weak smile and wished Daniel would come and rescue her. “Was there something you needed?”

“Well, yes, actually.” Hiram cleared his throat. “Each Christmas Eve we have a big celebration. It’s a wonderful time with caroling, a bonfire, and, of course, lots of food.”

“Sounds like fun.”

“Oh, it is. Normally we have it every year at the Hurn farm, but since he’s been laid up these last few months, it will be at the Johnsons’ farm. They have such a nice-sized house, and it’s not as crowded.”

Michaela nodded, waiting for the inevitable invitation.

“I was wondering. . .well. . .if you’d like to go with me this year.”

Michaela hated to turn him down. He seemed to be a nice man, but nevertheless, she couldn’t accept his invitation. “Mr. Williams. . .”

“Please, call me Hiram.”

“Of course. Hiram.” She started again. “I’m flattered you would want to ask me, and I’m sure I’d have a wonderful time with you. The truth is, there’s someone back in Boston. We’re engaged.”

Hiram squirmed in his seat, then stood abruptly. “I’m sorry. I had no idea.”

Michaela stood as well, feeling awkward over the entire situation. “Please understand, it’s nothing personal. I’m sure there are several women at church who would love to go with you.”

Hiram scratched his head, then put his hat on. “I guess I’d better get going then. I apologize for taking up your time.”