Michaela's Choice (5 page)

“There was something in his eyes when he looked at you, the way he held your hand a little too long, and the way he smiled whenever you entered a room.”

“You noticed all of that?” How could she have missed something that had been clear to Aunt Clara? “Why didn’t I notice?”

“You’re still in love with Ethen.”

Michaela fell silent. Her aunt was right. How many other things had she failed to notice because she was still wrapped up in the past?

Aunt Clara shook out the dishrag and laid it across the sink before sitting beside Michaela at the table. “What you’ve been going through is normal, but at some point, you have to look forward instead of behind.”

Michaela shook her head. The revelation of Philip’s affections seemed more like a dream than reality. “I care about him, but I don’t know if I could fall in love with him.”

Aunt Clara reached over and put her arms around her niece. “When the time is right, and it’s the right person, you’ll know. Give it time.”

❧

Philip wandered down the quiet street toward his home, wondering if he’d done the right thing in confessing his feelings toward Michaela. The pale moon shone above him, casting eerie shadows against the storefronts. He’d never felt uncertain about his future before. Spending the rest of his life with Michaela had seemed like the perfect solution. But was that all it had been? Had he mistaken a possible marriage of convenience for love?

At his cabinetmaking shop, he took the steps two at a time and entered the empty room above the store. He’d lived here for seven years and never felt lonely—until now. He’d never met a woman he wanted to share his life with, raise a family with, and grow old with together. Now that he’d revealed his feelings to Michaela, she was leaving and would be gone for months. He felt at a loss—how was he to win her heart now?

He looked around the room. Discarded clothes lay across the back of a wooden chair. A pile of books had been scattered across the small table beside a mug of forgotten coffee. As a bachelor, he’d never needed much more than the basics. A few simple furnishings had been adequate, but an unfamiliar sense of longing overcame him.

He didn’t know what reaction he’d expected from Michaela, though he would have welcomed a shared confession of love. Clearing the table, he laid the stack of books on
the shelf and dumped the leftover coffee. Love from
Michaela wasn’t realistic at this point. His one fear was that his feelings for her, even if never returned, would affect the friendship that had developed between them. He loved her too much to let his feelings change what they had.

Marrying Michaela still seemed like the perfect solution—not just for the two of them, but for Anna as well. They could give her what she needed most—a family to call her own. And there could be more children as the years passed. His business did well enough for him to support a large family, if that was what Michaela wanted.

He sat on the edge of the bed and ran his fingers through his hair. What did Michaela want? That was the question that really mattered. He shouldn’t have been surprised at the fact that she’d never thought of the two of them as something other than simply friends, but he’d dared to hope that once he declared his love, it would awaken unexplored feelings in Michaela’s heart. The same thing he’d experienced when he looked at her that day in the wood shop with the sun streaming through her hair.

But there wasn’t only their relationship he had to consider. In less than a week, Michaela was leaving. And where that left him, he had no idea.

❧

Michaela tossed and turned, trying to sleep after Philip’s confession. She cared about him, but was it enough to build a marriage on? It had only been recently that she could admit to herself she might want to marry again—someday. Still, she didn’t know how she could ever love someone as much as she loved Ethen.

Part of her wondered if God hadn’t placed a second chance at love right before her eyes. Somewhere deep inside, she knew this wasn’t the way. She could never marry Philip unless she knew she loved him with all her heart. If she married him now, she’d only be giving him second best.

Five

A cool breeze blew outside, perfect for a summer day on the beach. Michaela studied her reflection in the bedroom mirror, wondering if the dress she chose was right for the outing. She had already tried on four others and still couldn’t make up her mind. The yellow fabric hugged her waist and draped gracefully past her hips. Its fashionable leg-of-mutton sleeves and lacy collar made it a favorite of hers.

When Philip had asked her to spend the afternoon with him, she hadn’t even hesitated in telling him she would love to. Their relationship had changed because of what he had told her, and it could never be the same again, but she still wanted to spend time with him before she left.

On Sunday at church, she had noticed some of the things her aunt had mentioned. The way he held her gaze longer than necessary and grasped her hand after helping her out of the carriage.

No, things could never be the way they had been before.

Michaela had expected to feel uncomfortable around him, but she didn’t. It had been a long time since a man had looked at her and told her that he loved her. It felt good to be wanted again—to be cherished and desired.

“Michaela?” Aunt Clara knocked on the door and peeked in. “Philip’s here.”

“What about this dress?” Michaela smoothed her hands against the silky fabric, wondering again about the attire she had chosen.

“It’s always been one of my favorites.” Aunt Clara folded her arms across her chest and studied her.

“Mine, too, but—”

“Am I sensing a bit of nervousness on your part?” A grin broke out across Aunt Clara’s face. “I hadn’t expected this.”

Michaela fell back against the bed and groaned. “I don’t know how I feel. This whole thing with Philip took me by surprise. It’s been a long time since I worried about how I looked, but for some crazy reason, I want to look just right today.”

Aunt Clara sat beside her on the bed. “You look beautiful, and I know without a doubt Philip will agree with me.”

“Do you remember when I first fell in love with Ethen?” Michaela sat up and straightened the collar of her dress.

“It seemed as if the two of you had been in love forever.” A dreamy look crossed Aunt Clara’s face, and Michaela wondered if her aunt was remembering when she first fell in love with Uncle Henry. “I remember when you realized how you felt.”

“I was eighteen years old, and suddenly I took twice as long to get dressed whenever I knew I was going to see Ethen.” Michaela faced the mirror and pulled her curls back into a large chignon, then ran her fingers through her short bangs. “He took me to a church picnic one Sunday afternoon. We had always been friends, good friends, but I hadn’t really thought beyond that. I looked at him as we sat beside the lake and knew at that moment that I loved him and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.”

Aunt Clara shook her head slowly. “You seemed so young.”

“But I’m not anymore. I’m thirty-two years old.” Michaela stood and faced her aunt, her hands resting against her hips. “Oh, Aunt Clara, do you think someday I might be able to love Philip the way I loved Ethen?”

“I can’t answer that, sweetheart.” Aunt Clara wrapped her arms around Michaela and held her tight.

“I could have Anna.” Michaela’s heart churned inwardly. “If I marry Philip, we could be a family.”

Aunt Clara cupped her hand on the side of Michaela’s face. “I know how alone you’ve felt at times. Sometimes I wish I’d found someone else—someone to fill the lonely spot in my life. Someone to grow old with me and laugh at my jokes.”

Michaela nodded, wishing it didn’t have to seem so complicated—or was it? “Philip is comfortable and familiar. He knows me, and we’d be happy together.”

“It’s a choice you’re going to have to make.”

Michaela took a step backward and looked toward the door, needing a change in the direction of the conversation. “What about Ben White from church? I’ve seen the way he looks at you.”

“Michaela!” Color rushed to Aunt Clara’s cheeks, and she quickly changed the subject. “I think Philip’s waited long enough.”

Michaela tried not to laugh at her aunt’s reaction and followed her down the narrow staircase and into the parlor where Philip waited for her. He stood when they entered the room.

“You look lovely.” His gaze lingered on Michaela’s face.

Aunt Clara cleared her throat. “I made a picnic lunch. Fried chicken, baked beans, cake, and lemonade.”

“Sounds wonderful. Thank you.” Philip picked up the food box Aunt Clara had prepared for them and turned to Michaela. “I have the buggy out front if you’re ready.”

Michaela kissed her aunt on the cheek. “We’ll be back before dark.”

“Enjoy yourselves,” her aunt replied.

Michaela sat next to Philip in the buggy. Suddenly, she felt shy around him. His short, curly hair lay in dark waves across his head, and she couldn’t help noticing how handsome he looked in his white shirt and dark blue pants. She let out a soft laugh, realizing how much time the two of them must have spent getting ready.

“All right.” He turned and looked at her, his dark brows raised in uncertainty. “What is it? My hair, my clothes? You look as though you’re about to burst.”

“It’s not you; it’s us.” She rested her fingers across her mouth, trying to stop the erupting giggles.

“What do you mean, it’s us?”

“We’ve been friends for so many years, and we know just about everything there is to know about each other.”

His brow creased. “And that’s funny?”

“No. What’s funny is I spent two hours getting ready this morning, and I know you did the same thing.”

A ripple of laughter broke from his lips as he nodded in agreement. “Does that mean there’s a chance for me?” A solemn grin quickly replaced his laughter. “For the two of us?”

“Let’s give it some time.” She felt a tug of emotion pull on her. “You’ve helped me find contentment and never let me forget that someone cares about me.”

“I’ve always cared for you, Michaela.”

“I know, but loving someone is different.” She let her gaze wander down the street that bustled with the noise from other buggies and pedestrians. Love was a complicated issue. She turned her attention back to him, not wanting to hurt him but knowing she needed to be honest about how she felt. “I can’t say that I’m in love with you, but I do know you’ve made me very, very happy.”

“And I intend to keep on making you happy.”

They were silent, and she knew they both realized the possibility of a relationship had come at a difficult time. Determined to put thoughts of leaving aside, Michaela smiled as Philip shyly reached for her hand and placed it safely in his own.

❧

“I love the sea.” Michaela leaned back against a rock, pulling her knees against her chest. She took a deep breath and let the salty air fill her lungs. “It’s so beautiful. Constant and yet ever changing at the same time.”

Philip stood beside her, throwing pebbles into the tide as it rolled in a continuous motion. It was getting late. They would have to go back soon, but she didn’t want the day to end. This would be the last day she’d spend with him for months.

“It’s been a good day, hasn’t it?” Philip took a seat beside her on the sand and stretched out his legs in front of him.

“It’s been perfect. I can’t remember the last time I spent a whole day doing nothing but relaxing.”

“It’s about time. Of course, it’s been quite awhile since I took a day off as well. I guess we both need to learn to enjoy the beauty God’s placed around us.”

“What’s your excuse?” Michaela dug the toes of her boots into the sand and watched the white spray of water as the incoming tide splashed against a small outcropping of rocks along the shoreline. “I’m running away from the past. What are you running from?”

Philip looked out across the ocean as if contemplating her question. “I don’t know. My room’s lonely at night, so I’d rather work than go home. It’s something I’ve only been able to admit recently.”

“Why haven’t you ever married? I know I’ve tried more than once to set you up with someone.”

Philip arched his arm backward, then threw another rock into the oncoming tide. “How could I forget? You and Ethen were always trying to get me hitched. Remember Sassy Winter?”

Michaela laughed at the forgotten memory. “I’ll admit I was a bit out of line with her.”

“A bit?” He nudged her gently with his shoulder. “She never quit talking during the entire dinner, and none of us could get a word in edgewise. Half of the time I didn’t even know what she was talking about. What was it she was interested in?”

“Her father left her a rather large inheritance, and she spends it studying rare plants. From what I understand, she’s really quite knowledgeable on the subject.”

Philip shook his head. “Well, it was beyond me. In fact, it seems that most of the women I’ve met talk incessantly. Except for you, of course. You seem to understand that the amount of conversation is not equal to the level of intelligence.”

She smiled at the compliment, and for a moment they both sat still, listening to the rhythmic sounds of the ocean and the occasional cry of a shorebird.

“Shall we walk for a bit?” He helped her up from her sitting position but didn’t let go of her hand as they walked along the sand. “It isn’t that I was in love with you when Ethen was alive. You were Michaela, the girl next door who married my brother. But now I realize what it really means to love someone. I never felt this way toward anyone before. I knew God’s timing was always right and that one day I would meet someone, but little did I know that person had always been right here with me.”

Michaela looked out across the gray-blue waters, not knowing what to say.

“I’m sorry. I promised I wouldn’t pressure you, and the way I’m going on—”

She squeezed his hand. “You’re not. I just have a lot to think about. You’ve always been there for me, and I don’t want to lose you first of all as a friend. Part of me wishes I wasn’t leaving for Cranton tomorrow.”

“Don’t.” He stopped and rested his index finger against her lips to quiet her. “Don’t talk about that now. Let’s just enjoy the rest of today.”

She closed her eyes and felt the gentle touch of his lips brush hers.

“Michaela. . .” He reached forward and kissed her again. This time his hands encircled her waist. As he drew her close, she felt herself melt into his embrace. This was what she wanted. She wanted him to hold her and tell her how much she meant to him. Part of her was certain this must be a dream, but as she looked into his eyes, feeling his warm touch and the smell of fresh cedar that lingered from his work at the shop, she knew it was real.

If only she could put the past behind her and let go of Ethen, she might be ready to love again.

❧

That night Michaela picked up the Bible she kept on the small table next to her bed and set it in her lap. In the morning she would board the train for the other side of Massachusetts. It might as well be the other side of the world.

The image of Philip seemed so real, his kiss so poignant,
that she felt torn between going to help her brother and sis
ter-in-law
and staying here with Anna and Philip. Emotions swirled within her, leaving her confused. Maybe it was best that she was going away for a while. It would give her time to sort out her feelings without any distractions. She couldn’t say she loved Philip, at least not the way she had loved Ethen, but tonight when he kissed her, he’d stirred something within her that hadn’t been awakened for a long time.

Sitting up in her bed with the thick, cream-colored quilt her mother had made over twenty years ago wrapped around
her, she opened her Bible to the fourth chapter of
Philippians. Pastor Simon, who had performed her wedding twelve years ago as well as the funeral for her husband and daughter, had shared with her this chapter. She’d almost worn out the page in the Bible, reading it whenever she needed encouragement. When she finished the first half of the chapter, she read the seventh verse again.

“ ‘And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.’ ”

“God. . .” She struggled with the words to begin her prayer. “I hardly know what to say. I read of Your promises for peace and strength in Your Word, but sometimes You just seem so far away. How do I find this peace that passes understanding? The peace You promise?”

She closed her Bible and pulled the book tightly against her chest. “Sometimes I think I’m healing and getting my life back together; then I see the face of my little girl, and I don’t understand why she had to die. I want to let go of the past, but I don’t know how.

“And Ethen. . .I miss him so much, God. I feel lonely without him, so lost. We had plans for the future, and now they’re all gone. Philip loves me, but I don’t know if I can open up my heart to him. I don’t know if I can let anyone inside. I know to love Philip isn’t betraying Ethen, but I still find my heart holding back. And now losing Anna. . .O God, give me the strength and the courage to live again. Help me to remember You are near so I might once again find peace in my life. The peace that transcends all understanding.”

Michaela lay her Bible down next to her on the bed and closed her eyes. Had she been letting God heal her, or had she instead been holding in her pain and refusing to let go of it? She knew she could never truly love Philip or anyone else until her heart healed.

❧

“Are you sure you’ll be all right?” Michaela stood at the foot of her bed and voiced her fears to Aunt Clara, concerned she’d made the wrong decision in leaving. Her trunk was already packed and sitting beside the dresser, along with the two other small bags she planned to take.

“It’s not like you’ll be gone forever. Just until the baby is born and Emma gets back on her feet.” Aunt Clara shook her head and smiled. “Besides, there are plenty of people at church who have promised to look in on me now and then.”

“I know; it’s just hard not to worry.”

Her aunt cupped Michaela’s face in her hands and looked deeply into her eyes. “You may not always feel this way, but the past few months have given you a strength that often comes through adversity. You’re not going alone. God will go with you and sustain you. He has ‘engraved each of us on the palms of His hands.’ ”