Pressed up against a hard body, my eyes registered the sight of dark honey touching my snow white skin. We were laying on our sides, me on my right, my left propped up against a sleeping J. With my fragile left side propped up, J had woven his legs around mine. I was in a tank and panties, and J merely sported some boxer briefs.
Shit, I ran my fingers over the planes of his abs with a feather soft touch, and it felt like my fingers left a trail of fire. I forgot that the beauty that lived inside this man was encased in a sexy as sin shell. I would never get tired of looking at him, touching him, licking him. He felt me move underneath him and instinctively tightened his arms around me, nestling me deeper into his cocoon.
He said he was a monster, b
ut if that was true, it was a monster wrapped around me keeping me safe, even while asleep. Could he really be the monster he claimed to be? I reached my hand out of the cocoon and laid it over the dressing of my fading wound and pondered that.
J had been sentenced to a life as a killer by an MC that didn’t even deserve that title. They were no better than the dope boys on the corner. It was
The Wire
, only in Missouri with white guys. Fernie got himself caught up in the crosshairs of J’s sentence, and I took a bullet amidst it all. I wasn’t sure where to place blame anymore, especially considering the length of time I’d been an avid consumer of the drugs MM likely handled and J’s part in it all.
I hated that this was all so complicated. I hated the web of lies J’d built. I hated
that I starfished the fuck out of everything, allowing J to keep me from this monster he claimed to be. I hated that his arms felt perfect around me, like no one had ever held me before. Maybe no one had, or no one who mattered at least. I hated that I reached my hand out and ran it up the smooth skin of J’s chest. I hated that my hand continued traveling upwards, to wrap around the side of his face. Most of all, I hated that I sunk my hand into his hair, pulled him closer to me, and melted into him.
As I moved, so did he, adjusting himself to fit around me, even in his sleepy state. I brought my hand back to his cheek, and his face melted into a state of bliss. Just as I closed my eyes to savor his touch, and maybe go back to sleep, the possum opened his eyes. He grabbed my hand and brought his lips against my open palm
. I shoved it back into his hair and nuzzled my face into his neck, breathing deeply, like I would never be surrounded by this scent again. Lingering Acqua di Gio and wood. Today it was wood. Tomorrow it could be leather. Both were at constant odds with the polished smell of his cologne, representing the various sides of him. Many of which I was just coming to know.
He made me feel safe, my skin pressed against his. He ran his hand down the side of my face, pausing on the nape of my neck. His hand wrapped around it so completely. He paused, leaving me afire with anticipation. J inhaled deeply, bringing my neck to his nose.
“Sunlight. It radiates out of your pores,” he murmured, still half asleep.
He kept his nose at my neck, and ran his hand down my side, over the curve of my hip. Stopping over the bullet hole in my side, he pushed his lips against the skin under my ear. With pain in his voice, he whispered, “I’ll die fixing this.”
That secret fear that I’d been keeping at bay crept up my throat and out of my mouth. “Baby,” I said with gravel coating my voice, “Sometimes, I think maybe I was broken before you even got here. You saved me before you shot me.” I exhaled a dejected sigh. I’d been so alone before he came along. I accepted the loneliness though, and it was part of keeping myself safe, and emotionally undamaged. But, it was too late. The damage was done years ago, and I was living the shell of a life before J filled it with his love. “How did I end up here?”
J lay back and pulled me to rest on top of him. His hands went from my sides, to the edges of my tank. Slipping his fingers under the edge, he paused for me to protest. When he was met with none, he ran his fingers under the fabric, up the sides of my rib cage. Lifting my arms up, he continued until my shirt was on the floor. He held my hands above my head, the entire form of my body pressed up against his, flesh to flesh. Inch by inch we melded our bodies together until more of our skin was touching than not.
“Fuck,” I mumbled.
“Shhhhh, I got you.” he pulled me tighter.
“Fuck, how did I get here?” I questioned the universe again.
J answered for the universe. “I told you, I prayed for you. On my knees, I prayed to Gramps and the
Gods to bring me the light my Gram spoke of. I knew you were it the moment I saw your golden eyes peering up at a window I stood behind. You didn’t know, but I did.” He sighed, as if that sigh was the release of a thousand pound weight he’d been carrying around.
“I knew,” I whispered. I was culpable in this situation too.
J’s hands were on other side of my face, tilting my head up to look him in the eye. Mine shined, holding the tears at bay the best I could. J’s brows furrowed. Oh, those brows. Those fucking brows were indeed the death of me. It was with the eyes of a beaten warrior that he stared upon me, and it was my undoing. I loved this man, God damnit. Though I may not have absolved him yet, I knew that he was a victim, as much as I was. Two beaten warriors lay in that bed, bodies entwined, staring at one another, nothing else existing in those moments. It was shattering, yet liberating. I wasn’t alone anymore. I wasn’t watching the door for someone to come hurt me. The only one who could hurt me was myself. Although this man put a bullet in me, he couldn’t have known it was me. I’d starfished just as much as him and landed myself center stage, in the path of that bullet.
I
didn’t want to be alone again, so I spilled. I let go of my inhibitions and liberated my mind. Words flew out of my mouth like a flock of little birds, taking flight when the ground rumbled and their tree branch shook.
“I knew you were the one. I didn’t think
the one
existed. Nobody I knew had
the one
. Why should I?” My voice broke. “But there you were.” That first gaze across a car and motorcycle littered parking lot cemented my fate. I looked in his eyes and let my heart come pouring out of my mouth. “I knew there were things you were hiding. I allowed you to hide them, and I stayed with you anyway. I stayed because you’ve been as much my light as I’ve been yours.”
“There will never be anyone else. It’s not possible, Elle. You’re my
one
. It will always be you. Please let me fix this. Please.”
His lips were on mine as I stifled a sob. He took that sob and tuned it into a cry for love, safety, and protection. Emotional safety and protection. J had always given me that. I grabbed his hips and pulled them against me. He was rock hard under those boxer briefs, and it made my pussy clench with anticipation.
God, I missed his cock. Maybe that made me a trick whore, but fuck it, I loved this fucking man, and I ached to feel him inside me.
I shimmied out of my panties, and J did the same, never breaking our kiss
. It was a desperate kiss, filled with need and longing. Naked, we clung to each other. I reached my hand between us and led his hard cock into my soaking tunnel of desire. I put my hand around his back and pulled him to me.
“Closer. Come closer.” I added my leg to the appendages I had wrapped
around him. I was still on top of him, but he’d turned slightly to the side, cautious of my injured side.
“Fuck, baby. Nothing has ever felt this right.” J ground himself into me, eliciting a moan from me. He was correct. Nothing in my life ha
d ever felt so perfect, so meant to be.
He continued his languid movements, creating a firework inside of me. His words lit it, and his movements were causing the flame to travel closer to the explosive.
“I need you, Elle. I need you so much.”
Tears fell from my eyes despite the pleasure building inside me. J kissed the tears away, licking his way from my cheeks to my neck. I threw my head back, not just giving him access to my neck, but to my entire body. It was his. He slipped his hand between us, feeling where he moved in and out of me.
“I love you.” Three simple words had my heart and my clit throbbing in unison. “I’ll die loving you.” With that, he took my aching clit between his fingers and squeezed, and the firecracker detonated.
My orgasm exploded inside of me. Tears cour
sed out of my eyes, but couldn't extinguish the fire J created. I shook with pleasure and pain. Physical pleasure. Emotional pain. With labored breaths, I couldn’t hold it back anymore. “I love you too. I fucking love you, J. Damnit, I love you.” More tears came. “You fucking bastard, I love you.”
Somewhere in my declaratio
ns, J erupted and came into me, his seed filling me completely. He was inside of me in every way, and I wanted to keep him there, to freeze this moment.
Pulling my body to his, a little more forcefully tha
n I imagine he intended, he murmured his own declarations of love for me over and over as the fire we created slowly simmered down to hot embers. We held each other, knowing this moment was fleeting. I just hoped our love wasn’t.
Seconds, minutes, hours. I
was unsure how much time passed with J and I clinging to one another before someone finally spoke.
“I’m taking down Burns.”
I tilted my face up, still pressed against his chest. “Who’s Burns?”
He proceed to tell me of the club he thought he’d been patched into, his surrogate Gramps, Ratchet, and the short period of happiness he had with the men, his brothers in the club. It seemed idyllic, until he got to Burns. The man who took over MM, turned it into a drug enterprise, and made a monster of the beautiful soul I was encased in.
“You’re going to kill him?”
“More than likely,” J responded dejectedly.
“I’m sure he has allies. What about them?”
“The club is split, but it’s not fifty fifty. But, more of us want Burns out than in. When he took over MM, those who didn’t get on his side were eliminated.”
“Killed.” It wasn’t a question, but I needed confirmation.
J nodded. “There’s more. It’s not just Burns. It’s his entire empire
that needs to crumble.”
“And you’re going to do that too?”
Again J nodded. “I can’t take care of it all here in Missouri. Burns’ reach extends far.”
“You’re leaving me?” I asked with panic in my voice. Fuck. This was why I kept men at arms length. I’d barely got him back, and J was abandoning me again.
“Look at me.” I refused to move my eyes from his chest, knowing tears would flow if I did. I’d cried enough the past month to last me a life-time. “Look at me,” J said more firmly.
“No,” I whispered to his stomach. My eyes had finally dried, and I refused to open that faucet.
“Baby, please.”
“I can’t.”
“You can. Elle.” He put his fingers under my chin and forced my eyes to his. “I have to do this. I can’t keep living this life. I can’t be with you and be a monster at the same time. One has to go, and I refuse to let you go. I can’t live a life without you. It’s not even an option anymore. I love you. So the monster’s gotta die.”
“But the man could die too?”
J sighed, confirming my worst fear.
“Yes. I won’t tell you any
more lies. If I can’t dismantle what Burns built—it’s him or me. But I promise I’m doing everything I can to make sure it’s him. To make him my last kill. After this is all over, and it will end, that I promise, I want to be with you like this—every night and every morning.” He punctuated this with a thrust of his semi-hard cock still inside me.
I reached up and grabbed his face, staring him in the eyes, I declared, “Come back to me. You have to come back. Please, baby. Come back to me.” I erupted into tears. Fuck. The bastard made me a squealer, then a crier. I hadn’t cried this much since I was a kid. Even then, crying wasn’t tolerated much in our household.
J gently pulled out of me and lifted me in his arms. He carried me to the bathroom, setting me on the vanity ledge as he filed the tub.
With his back to me, I composed myself enough to ask, “When will you leave?”
He didn’t answer. He just kept testing the water, waiting for it to get hot enough, then putting the plug in so it would fill. He continued to face away from me, unable to answer me while looking in my eyes.
“I don’t know. There’s a lot of moving parts here.”
A lot of moving parts? What the fuck did that mean? “No more starfishing. Tell me or fuck off.” I didn’t mean that. I was being a bitch, but the bastard shot me. I think I deserved the right to be a little bitchy.
“Get in the tub and I’ll tell you as much as I can
.”
I put my arms out, and he picked me up. He eased us down into the water. It was such a comfortable place to be. We’d spent many a night in this bathtub. It was like going home. He was silent, no doubt realizing how much he missed this as much as I did.
“So?”
“I’ll tell you as much as I can, Elle. It’s not that I don’t want to tell you everything. It’s just that I need to know you can say you don’t know anything, and have it be true. More or less.”
I wanted to ask who I would be telling ‘I didn’t know anything’, but I knew enough to know the options were all bad.