Master/slave Relations: Handbook of Theory and Practice (3 page)

Robert J. Rubel, PhD

Introduction
7

Part I: 11 Common Terms and Understandings

Part II: 21 Self Examination

Part III: 47 Grappling with Elements of the Relationship

Part IV: 69 The Framework of the Relationship - Your Leather House

Part V: 83 Finding a slave

Part VI: 95 Beginning a Relationship

Part VII: 117 Contracts and Collars

Part VIII: 147 Maintaining a Relationship

Part IX: 163 How's it Going?

Epilogue
173

Appendix A: 175 Safe Call

Appendix B: 179 Master/slave Conferences

About the Author
183

"i believe that Masters and slaves are people who are willing
to commit themselves to living in a way that is radically different from what our society teaches is right and appropriate.
As people who choose to live in consensual Master/slave
relationships, we defy some of the beliefs our society holds
most dear: the belief that independence is the key to happiness and that the desire to control another person is the
heart of abuse. It takes tremendous commitment to follow
a path that at best is likely to be misunderstood by those
around you."

slave marsha, Keynote address,
Southwest Leather Conference, December 5, 2003

Have you ever considered that a modern-day Master/slave relationship closely mirrors a traditional marriage of 100-2000 years
ago? Have you ever considered that those who now seek a
highly structured pairing may be longing for a marriage model
from antiquity? If you will grant me this possibility, then this is
a book that updates the way one goes about customizing the
design of a 21St century relationship that models a 15th (or 19th
or 9th) century marriage - with a few twists.

After all, we're also kinky.

This book is for Masters - and also for their slaves. This book
is for established Masters or slaves who are curious about what
someone could possibly write on the subject they know so well.

This book is also for those relatively new to the BDSM Lifestyle,
who are finding themselves called to this form of structured
relationship, and also for those who are curious about the M/s
Lifestyle and are looking for in-depth information.

When you start exploring Master/slave (M/s) relationships, you
start discovering a few truths. First, they are usually considered
extremely radical/unusual. Second, they are often held up as the
be-all and end-all of BDSM relationship structures. Third, you
hear that they usually don't last very long.

Let me land on that last point for a moment. Have you ever
wondered why so few Master/slave relationships last a long
time? The Good Officer Wes created a list one time (http://www.
westom.com/leather/longevity.htm). He observed that some of
the more common reasons that relationships fail:

• Boredom

• Mismatch between Master and slave

• Lack of leadership on the Master's part

• Lack of focus on the slave's part

• Laziness

• Breach of trust

• Abuse

• Flavor of the month - endless supply of slaves

• Mistaking extended role-play for reality Mastery/slavery

• Lofty goals with no plans to reach them.

He went on to comment about how to keep M/s relationships
healthy. His list included these suggestions:

• Provide a clear relationship structure

• Use protocols

• Acknowledge good service

0 Affirm your relationship

• Celebrate successes

This is a nice way to begin this book, for it presents a good capsule summary.

Why Have You Bought This Book?

Want a slave? Have a slave? Those who want a slave, why
would you want this? In my experience, it's a lot of work - much
of it focusing on YOU as the Master, for it may require you to
obtain more skills.

Do you have a purpose in reading this book? Are you looking for
some answer? What would that be? I only ask so you will know
it when you find it - if you find it.

My approach to this field can be summarized in the box, below.

When you don't know what to do, do it slowly.

Jim Hayhurst, Sr.

Not only do it slowly, but do it thoroughly. This book contains
a lot of detail; some sections assume that you are pretty well
advanced in the BDSM Lifestyle. Let me mention at the outset
that I strongly recommend that you read five books as companions to this book.

• Baldwin, Guy. Slavecraft. Los Angeles, CA: Daedalus
Publishing Company, 2002.

• Baldwin, Guy. Ties that Bind. Los Angeles, CA:
Daedalus Publishing Company, 1993.

• Mager, Robert F., and Peter Pipe. Analyzing
Performance Really You or Problems Oughta Wanna.
Atlanta, GA: Center for Effective Performance, Inc.,
1997.

• Townsend, Larry. Leatherman's Handbook, Los
Angeles, CA: L.T. Publications, 2000.

• Rinella, Jack. Becoming a Slave. Chicago, IL: Rinella's
Editorial Services, 2005.

Ah, a Word of Warning...

This is a book about "power exchange." Power exchange
is the term that describes the condition wherein the submissive exchanges his/her authority to make decisions for the
Dominant's agreement to take responsibility for his/her happiness and health.

If your experience with power exchange comes from the Internet
- if you have not actually had a power exchange relationship
before - this book probably needs to rest in your bookcase until
you've built some real-life experience. Before you venture into
the world of Master/slave (M/s) relationships, you may first wish
to spend some time learning how to manage a Dominant/submissive (D/s) relationship. Second, real-life M/s unions feel very
different from long-distance or Internet relationships.

First, this material is NOT completely generalizable. In the
same way that no two marriages are completely alike, no two
approaches to living as a Master/slave couple are completely
alike. However, while there are many ways to approach these
structured relationships, the experiences of those who have
gone before - those who actively live this lifestyle - can be
instructive.

So, let's start out by using some definations get ourselves on the
same page. You don't have to agree with these, just consider
them to be operational definitions for the purpose of making it
through this book; as there are regional differences in Leather
protocols, so there are regional differences in the meanings of
some terms used in our subculture.

Defining Some Key Terms

This alphabetized list certainly won't include all the terms you'll
come upon in our Lifestyle - just some of the broader concepts.
Now, a person is not likely to be ONLY ONE of the following, but
an amalgam of a little bit of trainer and a little bit of Dom and
a little bit of Master and a little bit of a Daddy. Because each
person is a little bit different, each person has to make their own
path when starting or maintaining a Master/slave relationship.

boy or boi: Again, turning to Officer Wes: "leather boy
- a submissive man wanting a Leather Daddy father figure. The word `boy' in this sense has nothing to do with
biological age. It is a mindset." He goes on to provide his
definition of "boy mindset" as: "i want to trust my Daddy a whole lot, but there are certain things that will always be
off-limits. There are some limits i will never be willing to
negotiate." A "boi" is a female boy.

Daddy: Officer Wes defines a Leather Daddy as: "A
dominant man into what's generally considered `kinky.'
Likes being a father figure for his leather play buddy(ies)."
A Daddy differs from a Master in that the Daddy offers a
more nurturing and supportive model. A Daddy knows the
value of discipline, though at times his soft heart gets the
best of him.

Dom or Domme: A dominant person who takes control
during specific (often negotiated) periods. That is why D/s
relationships are often associated with BDSM (Bondage,
Discipline, Sado-masochism) scening (a "scene" is an
enounter that may or may not include sexual activity. It
can take place in private or in a public BDSM party or
club.)

Master (adj): A term often applied to a Leatherman who
has earned such respect within the Community that other
senior Leathermen refer to this person as Master (regardless of gender). This respect is generally granted after
years of selfless contribution to the Leather Community
as a whole.

Master (n): A man or woman who exerts near total control over another - often pursuant to a negotiated contract. One current hot topic is whether or not a person
can be a Master unless he or she has a slave - someone
who actually calls the person "Master." I'll sidestep that
embroilment for the moment, please. The issue, here, is
whether the person plays primarily in the world of authority
exchange rather than in the world of power exchange. For
our purposes, a Master takes authority over another either
for a contracted period or permanently (more on this at a later point). A Master is a Dominant who could occasionally bottom to someone else - this could be his own slave.
In this sense, the Master is referred to as versatile. The
Master's primary responsibility is to do everything within
his/her power to maximize the potential of his/her slave(s).
This involves such things as:

• Maintaining and protecting the trust given to him/her
by the slave's submission.

• Being clear about the terms and conditions of the
slave's service, including restrictions on the slave's
activities and Master's rights to use the slave.

• Ensuring the slave's physical, social, emotional, spiritual, and financial wellbeing.

• Providing whatever training, direction and guidance is
necessary to develop the slave to his/her true potential.

• Establishing and maintaining effective lines of communication with the slave.

• Exercising care and sound judgment in the relationship, as the slave's condition and conduct reflects
upon the Master and his/her House.

Owner: The term "Owner" is starting to be used to
describe a permanent M/s relationship based on a simple
exchange of profound vows. The Owner pledges to take
care of all of the slave's needs and the slave pledges to
obey and to serve his/her Owner. Period. Permanently.
No contract.

Protocols: In the military sense - a directed series
of steps to be followed in a given situation to create a
defined, reproducible result. Protocols are used to create
an effective governance structure in an M/s relationship.

Rituals: A preferred way doing something. For example,
you may have a ritual of having cocktails before dinner in
your living room while there is a fire burning in the fireplace. Within that ritual, you may have a dozen protocols
that concern who sets the fireplace, how the appetizers
and cocktails are prepared and served, and how the
lights, candles, and music are all set up.