Many Lives (15 page)

We were having a Parisian adventure while also adventuring spiritually. Tony was completely caught up by
A Course in Miracles
, and convinced me, too, of the idea that there is only love or fear. Every time I find myself up against a brick wall, thinking, ‘I don't think so,' I ask myself: Is this a decision I'm making because I'm frightened, or am I being loving? It's really quite profound, and it's really quite difficult, but it's a good question to ask. Is this decision good for you and good for everybody else – in your highest good, and therefore in the highest good of everybody else? Or is it motivated by fear?

Tony Perkins was also the first person to make me question my subconscious. He helped me recognize those terribly damaging patterns I'd learned, and to separate these from what was true intuition. If someone shows you something orange and you say, ‘Oh no, I hate orange,' chances are you hate orange because
there's some story in your past that's led to you having a bad experience with orange. If you can manage to stop yourself, and question those immediate thoughts, you can start to look behind them and see what's really going on.

We've all got horrid bits in our subconscious – ideas and thoughts about ourselves that aren't true. We tell ourselves all sorts of things that are quite simply, false: ‘you're not good enough, you can't do that, you're not worthy of that.' Tony would question me the whole time. He wasn't always right, though. Sometimes he'd make me roar with laughter.

‘You're looking at people, Stephanie,' he'd say.

‘Sure I am,' I'd reply. ‘I love people-watching.'

‘No, you're the star – they stare at you, you just look straight ahead.'

This was a man who used to wear shoulder pads in his T-shirts because he was
so
skinny. He'd decided to be the skinniest actor there ever was and he was going for it. I loved him. On my
This Is Your Life
he made a very flattering speech that made me blush. I didn't watch the programme until two years later. I was in Bristol staying with my friends Sue and Adrian, and they had it on video. At 8:30 one morning I thought I'd watch it. I saw it, then turned on the radio. I caught the news that Tony Perkins had died. He'd just waved me goodbye.

Through my darling 90-year-old friend Richard Gully, I had the privilege of meeting and dining with many of the old guard of Hollywood stars. It was an absolute delight.
Every Wednesday evening he would have a dinner arranged at the best table at Le Dome on Sunset Plaza. He would invite people he'd worked with and enjoyed over his many years as a Hollywood publicist, and people visiting from Europe. There would be a Duke next to Mitzi Gaynor next to Howard Keel next to Esther Williams, and so on.

Richard always insisted on driving himself to these dinners in a car that was as old and dignified as he was, a Bentley I think it was, but the steering wheel was extremely loose and frankly I'm amazed we always arrived safely.

On one of my birthdays Burt Bacharach sang ‘Happy Birthday' to me. On another occasion Howard Keel serenaded me with ‘Oh, What a Beautiful Morning' from
Oklahoma!

One of the great sillinesses, though, was with Cyd Charisse and Tony Martin. I'd had dinner with them lots of times. I was with my younger daughter Chloe at the premier of Matthew Bourne's
Cinderella
in Los Angeles, this would have been 1997, and Cyd and Tony were sitting in front of us. I introduced Chloe, saying, ‘Chloe, this is Cyd Charisse and Tony Martin.' ‘Nice to meet you, Sid,' Chloe said, leaning over to Tony Martin. Cyd Charisse's face was a picture. I told Chloe I didn't think we'd be going to the after party. We didn't.

Then there were the women writers.

Danielle Steel, what a fabulous woman. She writes a book and she buys a piece of jewellery. She has better jewellery than anyone else I've ever known. I thoroughly enjoyed being in the film version of her book
Secrets
and getting to know her a bit.

I was also in Barbara Taylor-Bradford's
To Be the Best
with Anthony Hopkins, Lindsay Wagner and Chris Cazenove; we met on a lawn in Washington, D.C. at a lunch for the Queen and Prince Philip. I was also in Jackie Collins'
Lucky Chances
. When we met, Jackie said, ‘I don't know if I should be talking to you.' I'd played a writer called Vicki Sprantz in
Troop Beverly Hills
. It was obvious I'd based her on Jackie – I wore every sort of animal print I could. But Esther Shapiro, who created
Dynasty
and The
Colbys
, was the woman who made the biggest impression on me. When Esther spoke, I listened and did just what she advised. She speaks very softly and is very wise.

W
herever I go in the world I'll visit a beautiful cathedral or church, temple or mosque. I pray every day, but I don't attend services on a regular basis. I haven't found a resting place; I'm still a wandering gypsy.

I don't have one spiritual home, but I do have a toolbag. I imagine it like a medieval suede bag slung over my shoulder, with all the shiny stones from those amazing experiences I've had. Coming to live in California, meeting people who understand my jackdaw nature and the point of the message I was given by the three psychics, has meant I've been in the perfect place to collect more shiny stones and learn how to use them. It's also a place where people I've met haven't thought that the things I've experienced in the past are implausible.

Those stones have become a compass for my life, and the tools I use to help me. I've realized that things I once thought were terribly serious, and rather difficult to understand, are actually not like that at all, and that I can use them in very practical ways.

I wanted to go to the Café Malibu and didn't fancy going by myself, so I phoned this guy I'd dated a few times. I hadn't seen him for a couple of months, but on a whim I decided to call him. He said he was tired but would meet me there. When he walked in I couldn't believe it. He looked
so
alive. Whatever he's on, I thought, I want it. I asked him what had happened and he told me he'd just done The Forum. I felt I needed a jolt so I did it, too. I found it really useful. It's a personal development programme that helps you get behind the scams you set up when you're a child, and that have been covertly governing your life ever since. It helped me start living more honestly with myself and others.

The guy was Colin. Since that time, he and I have shared a path and a friendship. We're the first to admit that it's a work in progress, and that every day we have struggles with ourselves. I can have a tendency to be terribly controlling and Colin to be very judgemental. We call each other ‘Judgement' and ‘Control'.

Colin started dating my friend Lindsay Wagner. She and I had met and become friends while we were filming
To Be the Best
with Anthony Hopkins in Hong Kong. Colin thought she was wonderful, which she is, but he couldn't stop going on and on about her and I said something mean. Colin glared at me. ‘You'll only be forgiven for that remark if you spend one thousand dollars on yourself – not on your children – and do ten sessions with Margie Paul.'

Margie Paul has developed a very simple and practical approach to emotional health – it's called Inner Bonding. It's a therapeutic process of personal development, but with a strong
leaning towards the spiritual. It acknowledges that we've all been wounded in our lives in one way or another and need to heal, but it emphasizes that we're responsible for our own healing. It also encourages people to connect with God, or spirit, or however you define the higher power, and to start living as a loving adult rather than a wounded child. I have to have practical solutions, and Inner Bonding provides one. Every time I've been like a little Tonka truck and driven myself right into a wall and got stuck, Inner Bonding has helped me go into reverse, back up then carry on my way.

For Muslims, the ‘call to prayer' really is a call to prayer, five times a day. I find that most inspiring. I have spiritual purpose; I just don't have spiritual form. I've stopped worrying about it and just get on with my own routine.

We all have our habits and routines, like teeth-cleaning and hair-brushing. I've developed a few spiritual routines. I start my day with a quick prayer – a moment of gratitude in silence. I invent a new prayer each day, so that it doesn't become a mindless habit. It doesn't need to be any more elaborate than ‘Thank you for this wonderful day, so full of opportunity, that I'm now beginning.'

Mentally I go through the list of what I've planned to do that day, checking off the ‘to do' list I made the night before. I may forget my list during the day but the important things will get done without me having to think about them. I like to start each day with optimism. When we were rehearsing
Master Class
, Jonathan Church, the director, commented, ‘It's amazing, Stephanie, but every day, never mind how bad yesterday was, you walk into rehearsals with such positive energy.' I said, ‘Thank you, Jonathan,' and I thought, ‘Thank you, God.'

Without really thinking about it, and certainly not actively going in search of it, what the three psychics told me has definitely come to be. When I was softened by motherhood, after Phoebe was born, I couldn't possibly have refuted God. Exploring what that means for me personally has become an important part of my life.

When life doesn't seem to make sense, and God is a step too far, I never fall lower than karma. That's the bottom line of truth for me and it's really simple. If something's not plain and simple and down to earth, what use is it to us mere mortals?

According to karma, what you do is what you are. Give a child too much sugar and you could get a raging tantrum. You might say, ‘That's not karma, that's chemicals.' I think karma can involve chemicals. Karma is action and result, it's cause and effect; they're the same thing. Without a spiritual practice I don't feel complete and whole. If I don't do any exercise, my muscles wither, my metabolism goes out of kilter and I feel out of sorts. This is cause and effect, action and result; it's karma. Someone can steal and get away with it, but they're still a thief. It makes so much sense. I love it. It's a simple and practical concept that enables me to accept responsibility for who I am at any moment.

I believe that if we ignore karma and don't do the work we're here to do this time round, we're going to meet the same lessons again and again until the work's been done. We come into life with a ‘to-do' list; it's not written down, but it's there. Homework does not get excused.

The days rush by so fast. I try to take time to meditate and stay calm and see the beauty in any situation. Meditation is sometimes hard. If I'm in a really public place I just breathe in on one word, and breathe out on another. I make up a simple mantra that's easy to repeat; two words, like ‘love' on the in-breath and ‘being' as I exhale. As I go round and round with them, they become ‘being, love' as well as ‘love, being'. I don't make it any more complicated than that. There's no need to do more than have a straight spine and concentrate on breathing. You'd look pretty silly trying to do full Lotus Position on a crowded train. Meditation's purpose is to clear the mind and become present. It lowers my blood pressure and makes me calm. In the evening, there are always questions I'll have about my day. I'll often use the Bible, the runes, animal medicine cards or sayings from the Dalai Lama, to reflect on the day and find answers to the questions that have come up. I use these divinatory tools as a way of contacting my innermost feelings.

I always keep a little book of positive wisdom tucked in a pocket to take out and find a good phrase in, throughout the day. It's uplifting.

In my diary I have written: Have a GREAT Day!

G
– Give

R
– Relate to others

E
– Exercise

A
– Attend to the world around

T
– Try something new

I love this little list; I carry it with me wherever I go. My boyfriend Bernie gave it to me; it's from The Happiness Institute.

Dr David Hawkins, the author of
Power vs Force
, among other books, has been developing theories about human consciousness for the last 50 years. All of them have practical applications. Dr Hawkins highlights the relationship between emotions and vibrational frequencies. His ‘Map of Consciousness' lays out a spectrum of emotional states, each of which he has calibrated with a corresponding frequency. They range from low – for example, shame calibrates at 20, guilt at 30 and fear at 100 – to the highest states – where enlightenment calibrates from 700 to 1,000, and unconditional love and a dog's wagging tail calibrate at 540. A moment of joy, by the way, is also 540. I try to keep my calibration level as high as possible. I seldom get over 250, which is neutrality, but I'm happy if I get to 310, which is willingness.

Trying to maintain as high a calibration level as possible requires remaining mindful of what is happening in the present and what feelings are being experienced from moment to moment. It might sound obvious and simple, but it isn't. It's hard to shift from having a defensive and fearful attitude to having a willingness to learn and an attitude of openness and loving. Using Dr Hawkins' tables and charts makes the process easier. It's a bit like a Weight Watchers point system for the emotions, rather than the calories.

I love the runes. They're an Old Norse system of divination. I love animal medicine cards, too. Whether it's the runes, animal cards, the I Ching or the stars, you're accessing your subconscious. They're all methods of divination. Each applies a set of variables,
representing your world, against a variety of meanings. Each has its own structure and set of codified meanings. They're like combination locks to the vault of the subconscious. I always see my readings as positive, even if they're warning me of something.

When Phoebe was a baby she always used to have a morning nap in the basement. One day, for some reason I decided not to put her down there. There was a flash flood and the basement turned into a lake. The house's wiring came from the fuse box in the basement. If Phoebe had been sleeping there that morning, she would have been electrocuted.

Another time I was in Selfridges, rushing around – however fast a person can move through their life. I suddenly thought, ‘I've got to go to Chester Street.' It was where my friend Christina lived, but not the same house where the fire had happened in 1996. I didn't know why, I just knew I had to go there, so I went. When I got there her son Nicky was sitting on the wall looking very miserable. ‘I knew you'd come,' he said. He'd put a call out for me; a mental call. He knew that I'd come, and I did. He had total faith, total trust. What was that? Telepathy? My mother could heal telepathically. Is that some kind of fine-tuning? I don't know, but if a mother's love was great enough I think she could find her baby in a blizzard.

When I want something, I reach for it and take practical steps. I've always been like that. When I was at RADA my scholarship wasn't covering my outgoings. I wrote to Barnet Borough Council:

Dear Sirs

I would like to take this opportunity to thank you from the bottom of my heart for the bursary you have very kindly awarded me that is enabling me to study at the Royal Academy of Dramatic Art. I cannot emphasise enough how extremely grateful I am for your generosity.

As you know I have every intention of being a very famous actress one day but I find that I am not able to keep myself in tights, and as I am sure you will understand I just won't wear laddered stockings. I am going to be such a good representative of the grant you have kindly given me that if you could possibly find it in yourselves to give me an extra pound a week in order for me to look respectable then I would be incredibly grateful.

Yours faithfully

They may have laughed when they read it, but they gave me that extra pound.

It was this determination to do something about my situation that got me off the floor after I became an emotional wreck and was struggling as a single parent.

This is the way I do it: I let go and let God and get out of my own way. But I can't let go if I haven't done the work. I can't just let go and expect God to do the work.