Maldeamores (Lovesick) (Heightsbound #0.5) (15 page)

“You look like a man,” I whisper to Lucky.

“I am a man, Belén ,” he says.

His eye contact is too much for me. I look down at my feet.

“Are things alright, Bey? You doing okay?” he asks, concern shadowing his brow.

“I’m doing okay, Lucky. I’m taking it day by day.”

“Is this because of me?” he asks his face taking on alarm. “Did I fuck things up, because I swear, I’ll – ”

“You’ll what? It’s me. It’s not you, Lucky. There’s something wrong with me.”

“
Belén
, there is nothing wrong with you.”

“I’m gonna go inside, Lucky. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

I leave him standing outside in the snow. He doesn’t follow me and I don’t ask him where he’s going to go. Maybe he’ll go back to Yari’s. Maybe he’ll look for a party.

All I know is that now it’s obvious—Lucky is okay without me and I am
so
not okay without him.

Lucky

Belén looks exactly the same. A little more tired maybe, and skinny, like she’s lost some weight. I can’t believe she found me at Yari’s. That was the last place I thought she’d go and I wasn’t planning on running into her until tomorrow. But Belén always surprises me with her independence. She’s always been her own person and done her own thing.

I still want to tear her clothes off and lick her all over, bury my face between her legs. I want her to come until she cries my name. I think she’s lonely. I think she’s sad. I want to take all of that away. I thought I could run her out of my system but all it takes is seeing her once for me to get out of control again.

I feel like getting high. Going to pick up a girl. I want to drink myself into oblivion and pass the fuck out. I don’t want to see any pain in her face, especially if I put it there. I thought getting away would help us both, but it looks like I fucked her up forever.

Chapter 17

Belén

W
e are so drunk. Like so crazy drunk. We’ve been drinking since Macy’s. Yari dropped Amari off at her baby daddy’s house and we started with Nutcrackers from the bodega by Yari’s corner before we even ate Christmas dinner. Next we stopped at Titi’s apartment and had some shots and
coquito
made with Coco Lopez by Titi’s new burly boyfriend.

Lucky got his presents and we made our way upstairs with Yari trailing behind us yelling into her phone at her current flame about where the hell he was last night. Lucky looks at me and laughs and mouths the word, “Typical.” I let my guard down and laugh too and I swear I can see Lucky’s eyes light up. I don’t miss it when he looks at my lips.

“No, fuck
you
, you sorry-ass excuse for a man!” Yari screams into the phone, holding it right to her mouth. Lucky and I laugh some more and Yari puts her finger up.

“Y’all can fuck-off too,” she says, and goes back to screaming.

“Fifty bucks on Raymond, Belén. Within fifty minutes,” Lucky says and smiles at me some more.

“For Yari to hit on him? I’ll put fifty on Ramón. Either way, we’ve got to keep her drinking.”

We barely fit in the hall with our winter jackets and boots; I fish through the pockets searching for my key. My coat is flapped up and Lucky puts his hand on me. It’s just a hand on my hip. A simple gesture. But red lights start flashing all over my body and a siren goes off in my head.

“I’ll put fifty on who you’re going to hook up with, Belén,” Lucky says, putting his back to the door and blocking my way.

“Oh yeah, who’s that? There isn’t much of a selection.” I say, finally finding the key. I stick it into the slot that sits between his arm and his waist.

“I don’t know. Who do you want it to be?”

I think I’m blushing bright red, from the heat or the booze or maybe it’s Lucky, who I’m still in love with, standing right here in front of me.

“We’re doing Belén’s house and then we’ll come over!” Yari shouts into her phone.

“Is that Amari’s father?”

“No, bonehead, that’s the new one. He’s got a nice car.”

Mami kisses us all and forces us to eat more food. We open presents under the tree and I even remembered to quickly pick up stuff for Yari and Amari while they were distracted at Macy’s. I got my mom a Vassar T-shirt and she cries when she opens it.

“It’s just a T-shirt, Mom,” I say.

“I know, but I am so proud of you!” she says, crying big tears and hugging me hard.

“We’re all proud of you, Lenny,” Lucky says as he opens presents from his mom. “I got you something—here, catch,” he says, tossing me a small box.

I open it slowly with everyone staring. What could he have gotten me? I’m terrified to open it. I tear away the paper and it looks like a jewelry box. I lift the lid off and inside are four pieces of crimson beach glass nestled on a square of cotton.

“Oh my gosh, Lucky! Where’d you find them?”

“I’m not far from the ocean. Sometimes I take walks on the beach. They wash in with the tide.”

I look up at him and I love the way he’s looking at me, with so much affection in his eyes. “And there are lots of red ones there?”

“Naw, not that many. You have to really search for them.”

“That’s because they don’t make red glass anymore. It had lead in it and they used real gold to get that cranberry color,” I say, excited about the new pieces. Yari rolls her eyes at me but everyone else is smiling.

“Yay, Lucky got Belén garbage for Christmas! Let’s see what he got me.” She tears open a package that has little silver shoes for Amari. She hugs Lucky for too long and kisses him on the cheek. We toast to the presents and our health and to school and the military and to Yari’s new baby.

We clean up the wrapping paper and ribbons. Yari and I help Mami move the table to set up more food. Hemi and her crew are coming and they all like to eat. I put a bottle of
Anis del Mono
out, right beside the nativity.

The twins show up first and they’re already trashed. Hemi comes in next with Briana who’s dragging Jovani, the youngest. Annalise is stuck carrying all of the presents.

We sing Christmas songs and eat more and drink cocktails until the bottles run dry. Yari is in Raymond’s lap and Lucky catches me on my way out of the bathroom and whispers in my ear that I owe him fifty bucks.

“I think they have to make out for it to count,” I say, tucking my hair behind my ear.

“Those are the rules, huh, Len? They have to kiss?”

“Thank you for the red sea glass. It’s the most thoughtful gift I’ve ever been given.”

“Anything for you, Bey. Anything. Really,” he says, but that’s as far as we get because Tía Hemi is barreling toward the bathroom and she squishes us both into a drunk hug and tells us how much she’s missed us. She asks us to please rub off on the twins because she can’t get them out of the house and they are ruining any prospects she has for a love life.

“Hemi, I think Yari is just who you’re looking for. Look at how taken she is with Raymond,” Lucky says, giving me a grin.

“I thought she was just drunk. Do you really think she likes him?”

“Lucky has money riding on the prospect,” I tell Hemi.

“Nope. Forget it. I’m not supporting another damn kid,” Hemi says and continues on to the bathroom.

Lucky is leaning up against the wall looking all kinds of sexy. He takes a sip of his beer and smiles, gesturing down to my Christmas socks with it.

“I got them for today,” I say, taking his beer. I wiggle my toes and help myself to a sip. I swear it burns my mouth to touch the bottle where I know his lips and tongue hit it.

“Yeah, I figured as much, Bey. Fuck, I’ve really missed you,” he says, running his hand over his head. When his eyes meet mine I feel like someone just pulled me out of a deep, dark hole. I’ll just stand here forever and bask in his sunlight.

“I’ve missed you too, Luciano. Every single day.”

“But you’re doing okay? You’re doing well in school and making friends and all of that good stuff?”

“I do really well in school and my roommate is awesome,” I say. I don’t know where our conversation could possibly go—didn’t we already discuss this? I don’t know how to not be attracted to Lucky. I’m barely just learning how to live my life without him.

“Are you gonna go out with Yari and her boyfriend?”

“If you are, I’m gonna. I came home to see you, Bey. Ma said nobody had really heard from you, she said even Tía Betty was worried. I’m glad you’re okay.”

Lucky gives me a hug. I feel so fragile I think I might disintegrate in his arms. I try to hug him back as normally as possible.

At Yari’s boyfriend Mike’s house we drink even more. I can barely see straight from the alcohol and his whole entire apartment is covered in mini, multi-colored Christmas lights. They each give off a little aura of color; they’re taped to the wall and run over the tops of all the windows. Mike and Lucky roll a joint and I give him a look.

“Bey, I’ve been squeaky clean forever. Don’t look at me like that.”

“What if you have to take a drug test right after you get back?”

“I’ve got a month off. I’m just celebrating Christmas, I’ll go straight after this.”

I go to the bathroom with Yari. She pees and reapplies lip gloss at the same time.

“Are you dating anyone at school?”

“Not really,” I say, leaning my back against the door. “My therapist wants me to be open to dating women, so I made out with a really pretty girl named Kat. But that’s it.”

“Wait, you kissed a chick?”

“Yeah,” I say and shrug at her. It doesn’t seem like a big deal. I’m used to Lucy and all she does is make out with girls.

“That’s kind of hot, Bey. Did you tell Lucky?”

“No, I haven’t really gotten a chance to talk to him.” I take off my shirt. I’m only wearing a little tank top underneath, but suddenly I feel hot.

We go back into the living room and sit on the floor. Lucky looks stoned and Mike looks like he’s passed out. Yari sits behind me and pulls me in close to her, wrapping her arms around my midriff. Lucky perks up. Yari starts feeling my breast through my tank top; she circles my nipple with her finger until it puckers through the cloth. I yawn and then giggle a little.

“Yari, what the fuck are you doing?” Lucky demands.

“Calm down, Lucky, Belén is into girls now. She told me in the bathroom.” Yari leans around and pulls my mouth to hers. She feeds me so much tongue it feels like we’re acting in a porno.

“Is that true, Lenny?” Lucky asks. I look up to see him towering over us. I can see his erection through his pants and his fascination in the way he’s looking at us.

“Not all girls,” I say and a hiccup escapes. “Just pretty ones like Kat.”

“And Yari?” he asks.

“I don’t know. I never thought about it. She just started kissing me.”

“Let’s go to the bedroom,” Yari says. “You want to come, Lucky?”

“What about Mike?” Lucky asks.

“He’s passed out, there’s no way he could get it up anyway. Come on, Belén. Let’s go get naked.”

In Mike’s room, Yari strips me down. She starts sucking my tits and licking my nipples. I get the feeling she’s done this before. I look over at Lucky and his eyes are burning. I smile at him and giggle as Yari makes out with my breasts. I step out of my lace thong as gracefully as possible, never losing eye contact with Lucky.

“Are you coming or what?” Yari says, throwing her own panties at Lucky.

She’s naked. She’s pretty hot. I wouldn’t even have been able to tell that she’d recently had a baby.

Lucky walks over to us and Yari grabs his face. She’s kissing him and seriously going at it with tongue. She can’t always kiss like this. I think she’s still acting. I watch in awe as Lucky backs away a bit and lifts his shirt over his head. He’s so ripped now, like someone out of a fitness magazine. I guess that’s the Marines. He keeps kissing Yari but he looks at me. He puts out his hand to me and pulls me in closer. I’m wavering on my feet. I stumble in and feel my body make contact with his.

Then Lucky is kissing me. I come alive under his touch, like I’ve suddenly sobered up. My skin prickles and love rushes through me like a drug. With a surge of adrenaline encouraging me, I stand on my tiptoes and press my body into his. He wraps his arms around me and carries me to the wall. His kiss opens me up and I feel like I’m freefalling.

Lucky smashes his mouth into mine and our kiss is a battle. We’re fighting to see who can put more feeling into it and our tongues are the weapons. I forget where we are. I forget that we’re cousins. I lose myself in his kiss, because it’s a battle I don’t want to win. I want to lose and be taken, lose and be conquered by him.

Lucky pushes me to the bed and is immediately on top of me, ripping my arms above my head. He kisses my neck and grinds into me.

“Jesus Christ, Bey, I’ve missed you,” he says like he’s fighting for air. My chest is heaving too and I press my body into his. I want to die here like this. In Lucky’s arms, surrounded by his love. He’s fucking my mouth with his tongue; Lucky’s love to me is primal, this isn’t a crush. I spread my legs and push my pelvis up into him seeking to be filled. He bites hard into my earlobe and I jerk and moan in response.

“Excuse me, motherfuckers!” Yari says, clearing her throat. She’s got her hand on her hip and she’s shaking her head. She leans down to the floor and picks up one of Mike’s discarded t-shirts and pulls it over her head. “Y’all are fucking disgusting. That’s called incest, you know.”

I whimper in response and shrink away from Lucky’s chest. He responds with a strong tug on my arms. He presses into me harder, refusing the separation between our bodies.

“You fucking started it, Yari. I was doing just fine until you provoked me!”

“Luciano, I was just trying to have a little fun ‘cause we’re all fucked up and it’s Christmas. I wasn’t planning on y’all’s perverted-ass family love reunion. She’s like your sister. You sick fucks! Now get off my boyfriend’s bed, he don’t want your dirty asses on it.”

I grab my bra and tug it back on in humiliation. I pull my pants up and stand, then I run to the living room to retrieve my shirt. I’m frantic to leave. To get the fuck out of here, go back to Poughkeepsie. It’s being near Lucky that brings out the sickness in me.

“Len, slow down. Everything is okay,” Lucky says. He’s standing in just his jeans and hasn’t bothered to put his shirt on. “Nothing happened that hasn’t happened before. We can get through this. We just got drunk and messed up—that’s all.”

“It can’t happen again. That’s why I can’t come home. I can’t see you, Lucky, without falling back in love with you!”

Lucky’s eyes widen when I say it, his lips part in surprise. He stares me down like I’ve shocked him into silence. He’s got no reply.

Mike looks like he’s woken up and can’t figure out what’s happening. Yari is eyeing us smugly and shaking her head. Lucky has his arms across his chest and looks like he’s in pain. I grab my coat off the hook and run out the door. I’ve got to get away.

I barely sleep even though I’ve drunk more alcohol than ever. When I close my eyes all I see is Lucky, everywhere. I see his hard body and his soft, fiery heart. I feel his flesh against mine and I shudder all over with just the thought of his touch. I get up in the middle of the night and raid the medicine cabinet. I take aspirin for my head and Advil for my fever. I run Vaporub under my nose and across my forehead. I have no idea what for, but Mami rubbed that stuff all over me whenever I got sick, so somehow it’s comforting, just the minty, medicinal smell of it.

I’m sick, in more ways than one. I never should have come home; how did I get so stupid? Mami would have been willing to make the trip upstate. I have to stay away from Lucky. I can’t take the torture anymore.

Exhausted and desperate, I pull the jar of honey from the back of the fridge. I unscrew the cap and dip my finger into the amber goo and bring it to my lips. I suck the honey off of my finger and replace the lid. I should empty it out and release my glass heart. I should put someone else’s name in there so I stand a chance at love in this life. I should smash the jar, throw it off the top of the roof. Because my heart is suffocating at the bottom of a thick well, under a lifetime of layers of Lucky’s sweet love.