Lucca's Lust: The Luminara Series Book 3 (49 page)

I cannot reply. I feel tears stinging my eyes. The build-up of the pressure and the strain of everything over the last few months screws with my mind. And now to hear from Casey that I am in fact hurting Lexi crushes my soul and causes my heart to bleed. I had no idea that she would be worried about me that much, that I am affecting her like that. God … I do not deserve her.

I know she is worried about becoming a mother. I know that she is sickened by the press scandals and intrusion into our personal life. I know that she misses normalcy and her girlfriends. I know that she is petrified about Michael Parks, and I also know she worries about Grace. But … I had no idea that she worries about my well-being to the point of making herself sick.

Fuck! I am a selfish bastard.

I’ve been too busy fussing around her, trying to spoil her, giving her everything she needs and caring for her that I have neglected to see that I am falling apart around her and that makes her sick with worry. I am already letting her down. Fuck, I feel like I have been stabbed in the gut. My sweet, kind, innocent girl is worried about me. I bite my lip and feel the burn of tears nip my eyes.

“The fact that you haven’t answered tells me that you do feel that. Lexi would never think you were incapable of looking after her. Look at everything you’ve done for her already. When she agreed to marry you, she agreed to marry the man she loves. An honest man desperately in love, not a bionic creature, untouchable, strong, and powerful. She agreed to marry
you,
Lucca,” Casey says, placing her coffee down. Then she moves over to sit next to me on the couch and reaches for my hand resting on my knee.

“It is not about ego or pride. I am trying to protect her,” I say, feeling my throat tighten and eyes fill with unshed tears. Shit.

“Protecting her by hiding your feelings? You’re the one who always begs her to open up to you. And it is in no way different for Lexi. She needs to know how you feel deep inside. Not how you want to feel.” Casey rubs her hand over mine, and that small act of kindness is enough to make me bow my head and cry like a fucking baby. Shoulder jerking, stomach knotting, man-snorting pitiful tears.

I let it out. I let out several months of pain and worry. Pain, worry, and fear. Although I do my best to hold it in, I cannot. Emotion has got a grip on me. The tears flow, my pulse quickens, and my head throbs. My skin feels hot and itchy, and I am trembling, shaking like a big fucking pussy. What the fuck has gotten into me?

“If I tell her how I truly feel, how I am struggling, I will be letting her down even more. That is not protecting her … that is attacking her. Because that is not what she needs to hear.” I choke, reaching my hand up to wipe my eyes. Tilting my head, I let my hair fall and sweep across my eyes, trying and hide the goddamn ball-shrivelling state of me.

“I’m sure Lexi would appreciate you being honest and she would understand. If you don’t address your stress and emotions just now, then you are liable to explode … or worse have a breakdown, and where will that leave you? Fragile and most definitely broken. Now, that is not what Lexi needs. She needs you to open up so it doesn’t come to that. And I see it. It’s eaten away at you and is ready to surface. Then you’ll crash and burn and that would be far too much for Lexi to deal with,” she says, leaning forward, dropping her head, trying to engage me once more until I need to lift my head back up.

Yeah, kick me when I am down.

“It is just so hard, Casey. Everything is just so tough. The forward planning with security … hiding … trying to effectively run my businesses … the business trips … not having any leads on Michael Parks … Lexi being sick and anxious … making sure everyone at home is safe … not having any privacy or alone time … the press … reporters … the shit they print about Lexi’s past. It hurts me so much. I cannot stop it, change it, or take it away. It is all taking its toll, and if I feel like this, then I hate to think of how Lexi feels inside.”

“Lexi is doing remarkably well. You should be so proud of her, and you’re doing a marvellous job of looking after her, of running your businesses, and keeping everyone safe. You know she absolutely loves you, idolises you, and appreciates everything you do for her. I don’t think that by opening up to her she would see you as weak. She’d respect you and appreciate that you’re feeling similar emotions to hers.
That you are human
.” Casey wraps her arm around my shoulder, and it feels nice to be comforted. I am normally the one comforting others. Shit, I really am a pussy.

Right now, it makes me yearn for Lexi’s touch. I want her in my arms. I want to smell her sweet skin, caress her tummy, kiss her beautiful lips, and slide my fingers into her hair. I want stare into those big brown eyes that melt my heart and leave me feeling inner warmth. I feel needy. I feel an urge to hold her in my embrace and never let go. God, I am desperate to be with her after the stressful day I have had.

My thoughts are all over the place. I feel so tired. I want to tell my dolcezza I am sorry for not being honest, for making her worry, and for upsetting her. I want to promise her I will never hide my true emotions again, and I want to tell her how much I need her. I need her to comfort me. I want her to hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay. I want her to hold me until we fall asleep together, and I know she is safe in my arms. But I do not want her to see me vulnerable.

“I know it is not forever and things will get easier, but you need to tell her how you feel. I promise you that by sharing it with her, you will feel so much better, and the two of you will most likely feel more connected and will be on the same page,” Casey reassures me.

I know she is right. I reach for a handkerchief from my pocket and wipe my nose and under my eyes.

“I do not know how much more I can take. I love Lexi, more than life, you know that. She
is
my life now, and I thank my lucky stars fate intervened, and she walked into my life, but I hate to see her go through this. I want very much for us to start our family without looking over our shoulder. I want to give her the life she deserves and the one I promised her,” I say, closing my eyes and shaking my head, feeling a pang of guilt that I have not been able to give her what she most desires … a normal life … one in the light. My light.

Fresh tears gloss over my eyes, a raw sting on my cheeks. God, how does Lexi do this? How does she cope with all the crying she has endured in her lifetime and is still experiencing. Crying is fucking exhausting. Women must be equipped better than men to deal with this emotional barrage, because shit, if it is not a complete mindfuck.

“Lucca, that’s the thing. You have given her life. You’ve saved her, protected her, given her a sense of purpose, taught her how to trust, how to love … how to feel loved. You have given her wings, opened her eyes, boosted her confidence, taught her how to feel, and the changes I’ve seen in her since you two have been together is simply amazing. You’ve done more for Lexi than all my years of therapy ever have. You
have
been the making of her … and never forget that.”

Turning in my seat, I look at Casey, and when I see the love, the kindness, and sincerity in her eyes, I drop my head on her shoulder. Protectively, she wraps her arm around me in a motherly kind of way and holds my head, her chin resting atop.

“Lucca, I mean every word. You’ve given Lexi a new start … and a new life. Your baby … that is a
new life,
something to look forward to and fill both your hearts with hope. I know this is a stressful time, but you need to regroup and find that peace you once had. Be honest with her, and she’ll love you all the more for it. I know this because I believe she is desperate to hear it from you.” Casey pats my back.

That gets my attention. I sniff, snort, and exhale a huge breath of air. Sitting up straight, I wipe my nose again, run my thumb along my jaw, and try to focus through blurry eyes. Lexi must have told Casey she wants to hear it from me. My girl … unsure and needing my honesty.

“Telling her, opening up is one thing, but I do not know how to get rid of this stress, how to ease my tension, other than being with her twenty-four hours a day, but I do not want to suffocate and smother her either,” I add.

I hope that Casey has a secret plan. She always knows how to fix things. She needs to fix this. I have bared my soul to her and cried like a fucking girl. She needs to come up with the goods now.

“Okay, tell me what you enjoy, what helps you relax?” she asks, picking up a truffle and popping it in her mouth. I do not even have to think about it. Sex, lots and lots of sex with my girl. That is what centres me and makes me feel better. The devilish grin on my face must be a dead giveaway.

“And keep it clean,” she adds in a stern, no messing type of tone while rolling her eyes.

“Making Lexi happy,” I answer, placing my hand over my chest pocket to feel the pen close to my heart.

“I knew you would say that. What would make Lexi happy right now … other than you opening up to her I mean?” She picks up her coffee mug and takes another drink. Following suit, I lift the bottle of wine and top up my glass then sit back and rest my hand holding the goblet across the arm of the couch.

Realistically, Michael Parks out of the picture and the press a distant memory, but that just is not possible right now. I know that Lexi wants the same as I do, and it shreds me that I am unable to give it to her right now. I think of the last time I truly saw the sparkle in her eye … her birthday when I brought her girlfriends and family over here.

“Her girlfriends, she misses them a lot. Talking on skype and the phone is not the same as spending quality time with them. She misses those
DBB
things they liked to have. You know, sleepovers, girl gossip, and stuff.” I rub my thumb around the wine glass rim. I contemplate how I can make it happen. The last time they were here, it was easier as the press were not all over everyone. Hmmm.

“Then try and bring her friends over. It will do you both good to have some time apart and spend time with your own friends. It is healthy,” Casey says nonchalantly. I almost choke.

“Not a fucking chance. I am not leaving her or spending time away from her. I am all for her having time with her friends, but I will be close by.” It is not even an option. Does she think I would just leave her side? What if something happened to her or the baby and I am not with them? I made that sorry mistake before in life—
twice
—and I will never do it again.

“Lucca, I know how you feel about being with her through everything, how you don’t want to miss out on anything, and how you want to protect her, but I personally think it would do you wonders to have some time with your own friends. Some man time. When was the last time you played football, had a night out, or spent quality time with your guy friends?” she asks quizzically.

“Now I think about it, it has been a long time, but it is not something I crave or need. I crave and need Lexi. I can see my mates whenever I like … when all this passes. Lexi … I made her a promise, and I cannot stand the thought of not being near her. It is not that I do not want to see my mates, it is just …” I pause and take a drink of wine, the warm infusion of grapes heating the back of my throat.

I do not expect Casey to get it. I need to think of a way that I can make Lexi happy, bring her girlfriends here, see my mates, and never leave her side. Kill two birds with the one stone.

“And sleep. You are obviously sleep deprived, and that’s adding to you feeling stress.” My body has got so used to being on call, alert and awake, that I do not even feel like I need much sleep. I am used to it.

“Sleep is a luxury I cannot afford,” I retort, a little offhandedly.

“Why? Tell me a good reason. You know fine well that to function properly, a person needs an adequate amount of sleep. If you’re having trouble switching off, I can prescribe you a sleeping tablet. I think you’re afraid to fall asleep in case you have flashbacks or nightmares.”

Is she for fucking real?

I place my glass down, lift her mug, and head to the bar to make her a fresh cup of coffee. Clenching my teeth, I remain quiet. I cannot believe she would suggest such a thing, that she would insult me this way. Flashbacks, I see them all day, every day, in my mind, so during sleep would be no different.

“Lucca?” she probes.

Walking back, feeling all the hairs on my back erect, I pass her the cup of coffee. Instead of sitting back down, I pace the floor.

“Casey, I have no intention of taking sleeping tablets. I need to be alert. I have already told you that,” I say, running my fingers through my hair.

“Lucca, you could start on a low dose, just something to let you nap at night.” She turns to face me.

“No. The answer is no.” I raise my voice, sounding terse. Sighing, I apologise.

“Tell me why you refuse to sleep.” Casey removes her spectacles from her head and places them on the armrest of the sofa, although I know I am still on her radar. She rubs her eyes before putting them back on.

“Because. I am scared. Okay. I. AM. SCARED. Scared fucking senseless.” I practically spell it out for her. Her lips curl at one end, a smile beginning to appear.

“Tell me what you’re scared of?” she says quickly.

I am so wound up, tired from crying, and angry. Angry that she is making me confess my inner fears. I want to admire my girl every ticking second I can and appreciate her beauty … inside and out. What if something happened to her and I never had her in my arms to appreciate her beauty. I cannot waste any time. Time is precious and so is Lexi.

“Everything. Okay. I am scared of everything.” I throw my hands up, my skin burning, head throbbing. Casey does not say a word. She watches me. I grab my wine goblet and take a long glug then slump back down on the sofa beside her.

Spreading my legs, I lean forward, resting my forearms on my legs, wine glass still in hand. There is an intense mist in the air between us, an uptight silence of unspoken words. My mind screams, distracting me from the straining silence.