Loving Kate (Acceptance #3) (15 page)

In a perfect world, I’d be here learning from your example so I could one day be as loving as you. You’re an inspiration to me and I thank God daily that you’re in my life. With all my heart I wanted to prove to those around me that I’m sorry for my mistakes and I can be the better person from here on out. I hope, in the time I had with you all, you realized I’m a work in progress but the end result would have been worth the wait. Sadly, since you’re reading this letter that’s not a future meant for me. Just because I’m no longer here doesn’t mean I don’t have a say in what happens, though. That’s why I need your help one last time and since I’m dead, you’re obligated. You can’t say no. Yes, I did just play the dead mother card on you. Sorry about that, but I know you still love me.

First, I want you to know you really have made a difference in my life. I consider you my closest girlfriend. I’ve never had one of those before and I’m really going to miss you. I know when you saw Daniel and me together you thought something was happening, or had happened, and that’s what has driven you guys apart. He loves you, Kate, more than he ever loved me, and that’s okay. It’s the way it should be. Anyone can see it. Don’t let him continue to push you away; he needs you now more than ever.

I think I knew the whole time Daniel was the father and that’s the way it should be, too. My little boy needs to know he was created out of love and I did love Daniel, I just wasn’t in love with him. In a perfect world, I would have created Lucas with Chad but that wasn’t meant to be. And in a way, I’m glad… because if that had been the case not only would I not have my Lucas (who I don’t regret at all; he’s everything good about me) but I wouldn’t have met any of you guys, either. Your friendships and love are priceless to me.

Now that I’m gone, Lucas needs a mother. This is not an observation, it’s a fact. He needs someone in his life who will love him unconditionally and who will raise him as her own, even though he’s not. That someone is you, Kate. I want Lucas to know that God gave him to me so I could give him to you. I want him to know I picked you to be his mommy because I knew you would love him like no one other than me could. You and his father can let him know I’m in Heaven taking care of his sister, Lila Hope. And I will, I promise. I’ll find her and your mom and we’ll wait eighty years for you to come to us.

I know it’s a lot to ask, but I also know you’re the only one right for this particular request. I don’t know a lot of things but I know what I see when I look at you and Daniel. Your love story is epic and one day soon (I hope), you’ll get married and give Lucas some brothers and sisters. I never had siblings and I always felt like I was missing out. I don’t want Lucas to miss out on that experience. Please make sure Chad somehow stays in his life. I’m sure he’ll bow out of daddy duty because it will be too hard on him with me gone. That’s okay. Just keep him in the fold. Make him an uncle, or better yet, a Godfather. And please, for all that is holy, keep my mother away from Lucas. Don’t let her get near him to taint his life. He doesn’t deserve to be jaded by her.

If you and Daniel don’t end up working things out (even writing that hurts my heart, so you better fix what’s broken) I still want you to be Lucas’s mom. Chad’s attorney also has a copy of this letter and his staff had this notarized. In case any issues arise, my wishes are legally binding.

Thank you, Kate, from the bottom of my heart, for being my friend and showing me how good life can be. It’s amazing how things can change when you surround yourself with good people and let the past go. But most of all, thank you for being an amazing mom to Lucas. Please give my baby boy a daily hug, kiss, and I love you from me.

One last request. Don’t grieve too long. Remember me with happiness but move on with your lives. It goes too quickly to dwell on what can’t be changed. Trust me, I know that better than most. My love to you all.
 

Until we meet again (not anytime soon),

Vanessa

Ugly cry. They call it that for a reason and that’s exactly what I’m doing right now. She should be here with her baby and I should be with Lila Hope and my mom.

It’s not fair.

It’s just NOT FAIR.

I’m overcome with the need to see Lucas so I try and choke back my sobs and walk across to his room. He looks like an angel sleeping so peacefully in his crib.

“Oh God, Lucas, I'm so sorry,” I whisper to him through my tears. Vanessa was so excited for him, for the changes to come in her life. She should be standing here with him right now.

Not me.

NOT ME.

My chest heaves painfully as I try to hold in my sobs. He's lost so much—he’s too young to have this kind of reality. I know it well since I’ve walked this road he's on now, too.

"I wish it would have been me. If I could switch places with her I would, sweetie. I’d do it in a heartbeat. For you, for your daddy, for Chad, but especially for your mommy."

The sob I was holding back finally escapes me. A loud, strangled, wounded animal, war cry of a sob, but by some miracle, Lucas remains sleeping soundly.
"NO!" Daniel says irately as he strides into the room, looking as alpha male as I’ve ever seen. Gone are the traces of sadness in his face. All I see right now is anger, or perhaps annoyance. He glances down at Lucas to check on him and then grabs my arm and pulls me from the room. Forget annoyance; he’s definitely angry with me.

Once we're out in the hall, he brings his hands to my face and tenderly wipes away my tears. This is new. All traces of the anger from just a minute ago have vanished. His face is now filled with…love?

"Don't ever say that, Kate. You
can't
wish it was you.
Not ever.
This is an awful reality we're facing but we'll get through it. We’ll all get through it. But, Kate, if
you
weren't here it would be an
impossible
reality. I've been so angry with you but I’m trying hard to let it go. If this has taught me anything it’s that our lives can change in a fleeting second. I miss Vanessa so much, and it hurts terribly. But I’ve realized I’d be lost without
you
. I’m trying like hell to let that anger go, so I can love you and worship you. You deserve to be worshipped and loved every day, baby."
He’s cupping my face so gently. My heart races, and hope blooms inside it and fills it for the first time in months. His face inches closer to mine and he places one soft, heart-stopping kiss on my lips and then pulls away. A single tear falls from my eye and he brushes it away with his thumb.
"Baby steps, Kate. But not to friendship…baby steps to love. It’s not okay for you to wish you could switch places with Vanessa.  My life doesn't work without you in it and I need you now more than ever before. Promise you’ll give me the time I need to get there."

I’m nodding my head in whole-hearted agreement. “I promise.” This is a promise I’ll never break. I’ll give him as much time as he needs. My lips are on fire from his kiss and my heart is bursting with hope.

Maybe things really will be okay.

“Can you explain why you’re so worked up? Was it Chad? Did he say something to upset you?”

I love seeing how concerned he is about me, even if it
is
misguided.

“No, he gave me a letter,” I say as I lead him into the bedroom. The letter is still lying open at the foot of the bed. He nods with a knowing look on his face.

“I was wondering if you got one, too.”

“Too?” I ask and wonder who else got one.

“Yes. Chad, myself, and Lucas all got one. Lucas will get his from the attorney when he turns eighteen.”

“She really did know she was going to die, didn’t she? That must have been so scary and sad for her.” A piece of my heart breaks knowing what she must have been feeling but was too afraid to say.

“She was being prepared. I’m happy she was because now I have an inkling of what she would want. And Lucas has something from her, something tangible that he can hold on to.”

Like my mom and me—another eerie similarity.

“Would you like to read it?” I ask him, holding out the pages.

For a few minutes he’s silent, really thinking over what I just asked him.

“You don’t mind?” he finally spits out and I smile.

“Not at all. I’m sure your letter may have said something similar but if not, this is definitely need to know information, even if I’m not sure what to do with it yet.”

My mind has been spinning since reading the words and continues to spin as Daniel reads them as well. By the time he finishes he’s breathing heavily, almost as if he’s run a marathon. Finally, he looks up at me and smiles.

“Well, I’d say you don’t have a choice, Kate. Dying woman’s wish and all. Regardless of our status, Vanessa wants you to be Lucas’s mom.”

His words are tender and wrap around my soul. “I don’t know if I can do that, Daniel,” I whisper, crying once again.

He takes my hand in his and gently squeezes it. “You can and you will. Even if it’s just baby steps all the way. My little boy needs you, Kate, and so do I.” He said the words and he sounds like he even means them.

“Do you mind if I stay here tonight?” I ask and he looks relieved.

I don’t think he wanted to stay here alone. Especially not in Vanessa’s room, in her bed, but we will because I know that’s what she would want. It’s early but I’m exhausted, so I climb into the bed and curl up with a pillow. Daniel hesitates, not sure of what to do

“Stay with me,
please
? Clothes on, but you’ve got to be just as tired as I am, if not more so.”

He nods his agreement, opens the door all the way, and climbs in bed next to me. At first he doesn’t touch me, but at some point during the night I wake up wrapped in his arms.

Now it’s two days later and I’m sitting in a church about to listen to Chad give Vanessa’s eulogy. It’s going to be heartbreaking, no doubt.
Thank God for Kleenex.
I’m seated between Jess and Connor and Mike is with Daniel. Jake and April are here but decided to sit in the back of the church with Lucas in case he gets fussy so they can take him outside without Daniel having to deal with him, too.

Chad steps up to the podium. He’s wearing a suit and looks nice but that’s only his exterior. His face tells a different story. There are big black bags under his eyes and his eyes themselves are completely bloodshot, his cheeks tearstained, and his shoulders slump in defeat. I hope Vanessa knew how much he truly loved her.

There aren’t really many people here besides his parents, one of his friends, and all of us. We did rally the family and all the parents are here, too. Well, in honesty,
they
rallied
us
and insisted on being here for us all. It’s a nice feeling to have so many people around who care. We’re going to make sure Chad feels it, too. He’s one of us now, whether he likes it or not.

After clearing his throat a few times, Chad finally speaks.

“Vanessa Ryan was, unequivocally, the
love
of my
life
. We met the summer before high school and stayed inseparable until my second year of college. Even then, we lived together until this past year. Over the past few months, we talked a lot about how we drifted, and the people we became during that time. Neither of us was proud of how we acted, of how we let everyday life get between our love for each other.”

Chad pauses and wipes away a few tears. He swallows a few times and then steadies himself by clutching on to the podium. I quickly glance around and there isn’t a dry eye in the church.

“We figured out that we ultimately became better people
because
of our time apart and our love grew even stronger because we knew what it was like to be without each other. When Vanessa told me she was pregnant, I was there for her, but internally I was freaking out. Something about her having a baby with someone else didn’t compute. I foolishly lashed out, hoping to hurt her and asked my girlfriend at the time to marry me. I honestly never thought she would say yes. When she did, I just went with it. That was probably
the biggest
mistake of my life after letting her slip away the first time. I never wanted anyone other than Vanessa to wear my ring.

It wasn’t until we were in separate houses that I realized how much in love with her I still was. And why wouldn’t I be? She had overcome a horrible childhood, never having been loved by anyone until me, and yet…she still had a smile for me every time I saw her. I knew pretty quickly after Vanessa moved out I would do anything to win her back. I broke up with my fiancée and groveled. It worked and I couldn’t have been happier. I just wish with all my heart that Lucas had been ours so I would still have a piece of
us
with me every day. And Vanessa knew I would wish that because she knew me better than anyone. She left a few of us letters. I’d like to read you an excerpt from mine.

“I know you’re wishing now more than ever that Lucas was ours. You’ll never understand how sorry I am that we didn’t get to have that part of our lives. But I’ll never regret Lucas and I know you won’t, either, because we’re both already head over heels in love with him. Sometimes, I think I know you better than you know yourself. I know you’re going to pull back and have a more ‘uncle’ type role in his life instead of a ‘father’ one. That’s okay with me if that’s what you want. But I need you to be in his life, Chad. You need to be his constant link to me. I know Daniel and Kate will do an amazing job as his parents, and as much as I love them, they don’t really know me. Only you do. You know me, Chad. I’m pulling the dead girl card here. It’s my dying wish that you make sure my son knows me. All of me (at age appropriate times, of course). You’re the only person in the world who can do this job, so I’m counting on you.