Lost To Me (5 page)

KOLTON

I pulled into my driveway, walked around the house and caught sight of Mom standing on the back deck smoking a cigarette. Her hand shook as she raised it to her lips. Wrinkle lines puckered around her mouth as she drew a great drag of smoke into her lungs. She closed her eyes, held it in, and let her head fall back.

Smoke slithered from her nostrils. Almost immediately, I smelled it in the air, ashen and stale. “Mom?”

Her head jerked toward me. “Hey, Kole,” she said, like she was surprised to see me and hadn’t called in hysterics only ten minutes ago.

“What’s going on?” My shoes kicked the tall grass aside as I approached the deck. I hadn’t gotten around to mowing lately.

She gestured inside with her cigarette held loose between fingers, her nails bitten to the quick. “Tabby’s inside.” She wrapped the hand with the cigarette around her waist, like she was in pain, and brought the other hand to her forehead.

My hand found her back and rubbed in circles. “What happened? What’s wrong?”

She sniffled. “The bank called. I have to put the house on the market. They’re going to start the foreclosure process.”

My toes clenched in my shoes at her answer. Flashes of light speckled my vision. “I thought we’ve been paying every month. I thought we were just late this time.”

She closed her eyes and sighed. “Not the full amount. We’re buried under back taxes, too.” Her hand fell from her forehead and her eyes reached mine. “I asked Tabby if her dad could give you and Kyle jobs with his maintenance crew. You could go full time after graduation.”

My eyes almost fell out onto the deck. “You did what?”

“She’s your girlfriend, right? She doesn’t mind doing us a favor.”

My hand dropped from her back. “No. She’s not my girlfriend.” Did she forget about meeting Lauren, or did she just choose to ignore it? “I broke up with her a while ago.”

She shrugged it off. “You two will make up. You always do. Anyway, she’s inside trying to convince Kyle to take the job.”

Tabby’s dad, Mr. Tulane, owned an apartment complex. He had a team of maintenance guys who mowed, and made minor repairs. There was no doubt that it paid better than life guarding, but there were two ways I was working for Tabby’s dad—no way and no fucking way.

I yanked the sliding glass door open. Mom put a hand on my arm. “We have an appointment with Kyle’s doctor tomorrow.”

I nodded and went inside where walking into the central air was like breaking through a wall of ice. Muscles in my arms tightened and shivered. The AC was a point of contention between Mom and Kyle. She flew off the handle when Kyle touched the thermostat.

The kitchen was dark. I slid my shoes off and padded across the freezing tile floor toward the dim light coming from the living room in the front of the house. Before I turned the corner, out of the kitchen, I heard her voice.

“Is that something you could do?” Tabby said. “It would mean more to me than I could tell you. I’d be in debt to you forever.”

I peered around the corner. By the light of a battery-powered lantern placed on the floor, I saw Tabby sitting beside Kyle on the couch.

“Why?” Kyle asked, turning his face to hers. “What is it with you two?”

She frowned and looked pathetic. “I don’t know, Kyle. I just love him. I can’t stand the thought of him with another girl. You know us. We always work things out. I just need some help this time. Can you talk to him for me?” She rested her head on Kyle’s shoulder. “Please?”

My stomach lurched, driving me around the corner before Kyle could answer her. “What’s going on?”

Tabby’s eyes flashed, like she’d been caught with another guy, like she thought I was jealous. “Nothing! We were just…nothing, Kole. Don’t be mad.”

She stood and took two steps toward me, stroking a handful of her long dark hair. “Can we talk?” Her eyes pleaded with mine.

I glanced at my brother. “I need to talk to Kyle.”

He stretched and pushed himself to his feet. “If it’s about the job, don’t bother.” He rested a hand on Tabby’s shoulder. I heard him whisper, “Good luck,” into her ear. His basketball shorts swished as he made his way out of sight, heading down the hall to his room.

I met Tabby’s eyes. “What’s your deal?”

She smoothed her fingers over her handful of hair over and over. “I want to work things out.”

I shook my head. “Not this time.”

“What did I do?” Her voice was shrill, desperate.

“Nothing.” I took her elbow and led her to the couch where we sat side by side. “Honestly Tabby, you didn’t do anything. We just don’t work.”

She looked up at me. Puppy dog eyes. “You don’t like me?”

“As a girlfriend?”

She nodded.

“No. I’m sorry. Not anymore.”

“Kole,” she said all breathy, taking my face in her hands. “I miss you.” She brushed her lips over mine. “I need you.”

I clamped her wrists and lowered her hands from my face. Shaking my head, I kept my eyes locked onto hers so she knew I was serious. This wasn’t happening between us again.

She tilted her head, contemplating me. “I don’t understand. Why are you being like this?”

The confusion on her face caused a pang of guilt to dig into my stomach. This wasn’t how we operated. We broke up, then we made up, that was our thing. I was always her boyfriend, even when I briefly was not. But that was over now.

“I need you to understand that it’s over. I’m sorry. I don’t want to hurt you.” I dropped her wrists and stood.

Tabby’s chest heaved, and she shook with rage. She pounded her fists against her thighs. “You can’t do this to me!” She stood and bunched the neck of my t-shirt in her hands. “You can’t. I love you.” Her voice tore from her throat, raw with the tears that streamed down her cheeks.

I dropped my head and pried her fingers open. “Please don’t do this. Please.” She couldn’t do this to me again.

She grabbed my shoulders and dug her fingers in. “You can’t break up with me, Kolton. You’re all I have. You’re all I care about. You can’t.” Her fingers pressed against my face and she kissed me hard, tasting like salty tears.

Her mom and dad were always too busy to pay attention to her, but I couldn’t be everything to her. I didn’t want to be.

I pushed her back and held her at arms distance. “Tabby, I’m sorry. I met someone else. I don’t want to be with you anymore.”

She sobbed and pounded against my chest. “I hate you! I hate you so much! How can you hurt me like this?” Her wails sounded like a wounded animal. Panic started to well inside me.

“Let me drive you home.”

She shoved me and wiped her eyes. “Why? Like you care if I drive into oncoming traffic and kill myself? You just don’t want the guilt.” She grabbed her bag and darted out the door.

I followed her outside. She spun around and glared at me.

“You used me. The last time I came over. You knew you didn’t want me then, didn’t you?”

I’d known for a while that I didn’t want to be with her. “I was only beginning to admit it to myself,” I said, willing to bend the truth if it helped her to not feel worse.

She snapped back around and ran to her car.

I ran after her. “Give me your keys, Tabby. I’m driving you.” I wrapped my arms around her from behind and pried her keys from her hand while she kicked my shins.

“Let me go! Don’t touch me!”

Kyle came rushing up beside us. “What are you doing to her? Let her go.” He gripped my arm and pulled it away from Tabby.

“She can’t drive like this.” I threw her keys on the ground. “You want to be the hero? Be one. Take her home.”

Kyle snatched Tabby’s keys off of the ground and put an arm around her, pulling her into a hug as she sobbed. “You lead her on all the time. Why do you do that? She doesn’t deserve to be fucked with like that!”

“Kyle--”

He put his hand up, like he was fending me off. “I don’t want to hear your lame ass excuses. She deserves better. I don’t know why she just doesn’t get over you.”

I turned and stalked toward the house.  “What the hell did she do?” I yelled behind me. “Appoint you her personal savior? You’re
my
brother you know. It’d be nice if you were on my side.” Somewhere inside my head, I knew to stop. But I was pissed.

He darted for me. I spun and caught him by his upper arms. “Kyle, stay calm,” I said in a controlled voice. “Look at me, and stay calm.”

With Kyle’s brute strength, it took everything I had to hold him off me.  The strained groans from my throat as I fought to stay on my feet and Tabby screaming in terror made the desperation of my situation even more real.

“Quit fucking saying that!” Kyle bellowed and twisted his body, knocking me off balance.

My elbow hit the ground first and felt like it shattered. He came down on top of me. “I didn’t say anything! Kyle, listen to me. You can trust me.”

He froze, panting hard, trying to come back from wherever he had gone inside his mind. Then, his eyes got wide, and his face slackened. He sat back and took a deep breath. “You didn’t say anything?” He muttered under his breath for a minute. “I heard it, Kole. I heard you say you wanted me dead.” He glanced back at Tabby. Her face was horror stricken.

“Kyle?” He took his time turning to face me. “Are you okay?” I asked. “Have you been taking your meds?”

I saw it dim his eyes as it set in. Depression. It always hit with his realization of what just happened. He lowered his head into his hands.

“Ky? It’s cool, man.” I rose to a crouch beside him and squeezed his shoulder. “It’s all good.”

He stood and bunched the neck of his shirt in his hands, tugging like he wanted to rip it right off. “I can’t live like this,” he whispered, and headed to the side door.

“You don’t have to.” I followed behind and went in the house after him. “The doctor will keep tweaking your medication. It’ll work out.”

He shook his head and kept walking down the hall to his room. “Hey, you want to watch that storm chasing show with me?” I asked him. “I think it’s on right now.” I couldn’t let him wallow in depression. Schizophrenics had a high tendency to be suicidal. Kyle’s doctor made sure to clue us in on the signs.

He didn’t answer, just entered his room and shut the door. Desperation clawed through me. It ran rampant, digging and scratching inside. I had to get him to understand that he’d be okay.

I knocked on his door.

There was no answer.

I pounded harder.

Still no answer.

The knob twisted when I turned it. I poked my head in his dark room and focused on the dead-still figure lying in bed.

A memory hit me so hard, I almost staggered under its force. When I was little, I used to sneak into Kyle’s room in the middle of the night when I woke up afraid of the dark. I’d crawl in beside him and the sound of his steady breathing made me safe again. Now, I had no idea how to repay him, how to make him feel safe, how to make his monsters go away.

I sat on the end of his bed. I wanted to tell him everything would be okay, that he’d get better and life would be normal again. But I knew it was a lie. This was normal now, and we had to figure out how to live again.

“Kyle, come on. Watch T.V. with me.” I laid my hand on his calf and shook his leg. “Get up.”

He groaned. “Leave me alone.”

I stood and crossed to his window. “I’m opening the blinds. You can stay in here, but you can’t mope around in the dark.” The shade drew up as I pulled the cord, letting in blinding sunlight.

“Kole,” Kyle rolled over and swiped at his eyes. They were damp with tears. “I want to be alone.” His voice held no resolve to fight, only the flat, even keel of acceptance.