Authors: Cacey Hopper
There’s a surprise waiting for me at the airport in the form of Alexa. She squeals my name loudly as soon as we walk through the gate and launches herself at me. She’s talking so quickly I can only make out a portion of what she’s saying. “Sorry—my mom and dad took my phone—grounded! I was—freaking out!”
She finally calms down enough to realize we aren’t alone. To my surprise she throws her arms around Jason’s neck as well then pulls back and punches him in the shoulder.
“You idiot!” she exclaims, but she seems so happy to see him that I don’t think she means it at all.
The three of us walk out to the drop-off and pick-up area outside while my dad and Rodriguez follow behind. There are two more black cars waiting for us.
“Kit,” my dad says, interrupting Alexa’s tirade about the unfairness of her parents. “I’ve got to head up to the office with Rodriguez to speak to our boss, will you be okay until tonight?”
“Sure.” What am I supposed to say? Besides, I still don’t want to talk to him.
“Alexa’s staying with you tonight, just in case I’m home late,” he continues. “The driver of your car, his name is Agent Vaughn, he’s going to stay parked outside the house until I get home.”
“Okay,” I mumble, watching him walk away. A ripple of understanding moves through me then, I’d been given a security detail, also known as a highly-paid babysitter. And then I wonder if anything will ever be the same again.
On the ride home Alexa is clamoring for details, but I’m far too tired to even get started. Jason fills her in on as much as he can while I lean heavily on his shoulder. She hangs on his every word, as he tells her all details she missed out on once she had her phone taken from her and we lost contact. Jason breaks the news about my dad as coolly as he can, but Alexa seems to feel the same way about it as he did.
“Kit, your dad is a secret agent?” she exclaims as though this is possibly the best news she has ever heard in her life.
“I guess so.” I shrug. I can’t see why everyone else thinks it’s so great.
I notice that Jason leaves out the details regarding my mom and her death, and for that I’m grateful. I know I’m not capable of getting into that right now. After all, I’m not even sure how much of this we are supposed to be telling Alexa. The Halcyon agent behind the wheel doesn’t say a word though, so maybe it’s okay.
When the car finally comes to a stop I feel a pang of anxiety when I realize we’ve reached Jason’s house. After all we have been through I don’t like the idea of being parted from him once again. He has his own parental issues to deal with though. His dad will probably be going to court and then jail because of what had happened with the jewels. I add that to my pile of things to feel anxious and worried about, which is growing by the minute.
Jason gives me a reassuring smile, as though he knows exactly what I’m thinking. “I’ll call you later.” He throws a quick glance at Alexa before leaning over to kiss me quickly.
“Bye,” I say and he gets out.
I watch him hurry up the driveway to his house, before finally turning to meet Alexa’s questioning gaze.
“So, are you two back together or what?” she asks, looking as though she might burst any moment.
“I’m not sure.” I rub a spot between my eyes, feeling a headache coming on.
She doesn’t ask again, and I’m grateful to not have to answer any more questions. We pull up in front of my house just moments later. Unlocking the door and disarming the security system, I step inside my home. I stand in the foyer for several minutes looking around. It feels strange, almost unfamiliar, even though I haven’t been gone that long. Then I realize the house hasn’t changed at all, it’s me who is the stranger.
Without another thought I trudge up the stairs, Alexa trailing behind me carrying my backpack. Sitting on my bed, I start to unpack my bag. I take out the books I should have returned to Jason but hadn’t. Holding them in my hands again I have fight off a feeling of panic that seems to go along with just touching them. I set them aside.
Alexa is hanging up the green dress that I had left in a pile on the floor before I left for London. That day now feels like a century ago. I start to apologize for leaving it in a crumpled heap, but she cuts me off.
“You might as well keep it.” She sticks it in my closet. “You never did tell me what shoes you wore with it.”
I waggle a green Converse at her, not able to keep the smile from my lips.
“You didn’t!” she gasps in horror.
At some point we find ourselves back downstairs, eating lunch or dinner, I’m not sure, since my internal clock is so messed up. My dad comes home soon afterward and Alexa suddenly excuses herself to go to the bathroom.
“I’m off work for a week, so—” He cuts off, looking at me expectantly.
Ignoring him, I get up to take my plate to the sink. I know he wants to know if I’m ready to talk now that we’re home. But when I start to open my mouth none of the things I want to say should ever be spoken aloud. So I just nod silently, for what seems like the hundredth time. He seems to understand my reticence and excuses himself to his office.
I’m still standing at the sink, staring into the running water when Alexa returns.
“So, how do you feel? Do you want to go somewhere or just stay in?” When I don’t answer she continues. “We could get some ice cream, watch movies—”
Her words are cut off by the sound of my plate smashing as I throw it forcefully into the sink.
“Or we could just smash plates all night, totally up to you.” she finishes as though nothing happened.
I shoot her a wry grin over my shoulder.
Alexa stays over and that night I tell her more about what happened in London, the things Jason had left out because he didn’t know them. I tell her all about V, Peter, my mom and Jason. I hadn’t planned on being so forthcoming about every single detail, but once I start speaking the words just come out in a torrent. It feels almost cathartic to speak the truth out loud, but in the end I’m left remembering all the secrets my dad has kept from me, and how many more lies are yet to be unraveled. I know there is more to my mom’s story. And to get the rest of that story I am going to have to break my silence and actually speak to him.
Alexa listens to my tale, silent for once in her life. Thankfully she doesn’t fall all over me sobbing when I share all the harrowing moments of the last week. She just shakes her head silently.
The hour is well past midnight and closer to dawn when Alexa falls asleep on my bed. Sleep is the furthest thing from my mind, so I sit in the window seat staring out into the darkness. I know I need to sleep, but I’m not willing to face the nightmares I know will come. I don’t even bother to look at the time when I pick up my phone and dial Jason’s home number. His cell phone had been smashed in London, so it’s my only way of contacting him.
“Hello?” he answers, sounding as wide awake as I feel.
“Hey,” I say quietly, not wanting to wake Alexa.
“How are you?” he asks.
“Fine,” I lie. “How about you?”
“I can’t sleep,” he sighs. “Every time I close my eyes I feel like I’m back there again.”
“The basement?” I shiver at the memory of it.
“No, the hotel room where they kept me all week, the basement wasn’t so bad.” He chuckles softly. “At least we were together then.”
We talk for the rest of the night until I fall asleep, phone in hand. We do the same thing the next night, and the night after that. It doesn’t fully keep the nightmares away, but it holds them off for a few hours at least. I think at that point we both realize we’re losing the battle to get our lives back.
Jason has become the center of my world ever since we’ve returned home, but even his strength and steadiness isn’t enough to get me through. Over and over again I wonder what I can possibly do to make this feeling go away, to feel safe again. I don’t need my spidey sense or intuition to tell me what I should do this time, I know in my heart without even trying. There is only one person in my life right now who can help me get past all this, but he is so far away I can’t even begin to know how to bridge the gap between us. Even if I am willing to try.
Sooner or later I will have to face my dad. Not to confront him, but to forgive him. I’m just not sure I want to.
16. LEGACY
I
t has been just four days since we returned from London, but it feels like an eternity. I guess that’s the way it works when you don’t speak to anyone, leave the house, or sleep at night. I have become a ghost of my former self, struggling just to get through each day. Today has been no different. After hours of trying to avoid my dad I finally end up hiding out in my room. It’s early afternoon and Alexa has gone to the city to visit her mom. Not knowing what else to do I pick up the phone and dial Jason’s number.
As soon as he answers I have a bad feeling about what he is going to say.
“We need to talk,” he says firmly.
“Okay.” The feeling of unease intensifies, a gnawing pain in my stomach.
“Meet me outside in the yard in ten minutes,” he says before quickly hanging up.
He is outside waiting for me, like he said he would be, as I walk toward him. It’s a miserable, dreary day out, and a light drizzle is falling. I pull up the hood of my sweatshirt and step up beside him. I don’t need my spidey sense to tell me this isn’t going to be a good conversation. The look on his face tells me everything. Before I can say anything he speaks up.
“Have you talked to him yet?”
I dig the toe of my Converse into the grass with a sigh. “Nope.”
“How long are you going to wait?” he asks.
“As longs as it takes.”
This time he’s the one who sighs. “Kit, I can’t do this anymore.”
I turn to face him. “What do you mean?”
“I can’t keep talking on the phone every night until one of us finally passes out from sheer exhaustion. I can’t keep reliving this with you. I want to move on, forget. And I can’t forget if we keep this up.” He shakes his head.
I don’t know how to respond to this, so I just stare at him silently.
“Don’t look at me like that, you know exactly what I’m talking about. Yes, it was awful, the whole experience. No, we’ll probably never be the same. We will get through it, but not like this, Kit.” He takes my hand and squeezes it firmly. “This isn’t good for either one of us. You need to go to your dad and talk to him about what happened.”
I start to protest, but he cuts me off.
“You know I’m right, so don’t bother arguing. This whole situation between you and your dad, it’s not good. He loves you. He’s just trying to look out for you.”
“Tell me, Jase,” I manage to speak up at last. “How is he looking out for me when all he’s done is lie to me for the past eight years?”
He’s quick with his retort. “Maybe because he didn’t want you to know your mom had been murdered by some psycho. You think he wanted you to have these nightmares every single night?”
His point cuts me to the quick. My nightmares aren’t always about being trapped in a basement; most of them have been about my mom lately.
“I understand that,” I say, wrenching my hand away from his. “But all he did was delay the inevitable, he had to have known I would find out eventually.”
“Yes, I’m sure he wanted to you to know the truth someday, but not like this. I’m sure he was waiting for the right time, when he thought you could handle the truth. This whole thing with V just threw everything off,” Jason continues.
I’m so angry with him I just want to walk away, but my feet refuse to move.
“Look, can we just agree that your dad made a mistake? He’s trying to make up for that now by being honest with you. You need to at least meet him halfway.”
I ignore the case he’s trying to make on my dad’s behalf. There is no way he can possibly understand the level of betrayal I have experienced.
“So what about you?’ I ask hotly. “You’re just going to walk away from me until I fix things with my dad?”
“That’s not it at all. You know I care about you. You want someone to lean on, someone to take care of you, I understand that. But I can’t be that person for you right now. I’m just as messed up as you are. My mom needs me, my dad is going to jail, they’re probably divorcing. Somehow I’m supposed to be starting college in the fall. I just think it would a good idea for the two of us to take a step back for now, until things have settled down a bit.” He drags a hand through his hair with a pained expression.
His logic makes sense, but all I can feel is that keen sense of betrayal I’ve become far too familiar with.
Before I can respond he’s taking my face in his hands and forcing my gaze up to meet his. He speaks quietly this time, his brown eyes locked with mine. “You want someone to be angry at? You want to blame someone? Blame the man who is really responsible for all this, the one who took your mom from you.”
As soon as the words are out of his mouth it’s like my whole world suddenly shifts into focus.
“What your dad did was wrong, I don’t deny that,” Jason continues. “But he wants your forgiveness. He wants a chance to explain and make things up to you. You need to give him that chance.”
I don’t have an answer for him right now, so I remain silent. The rain is falling steadily now and I can’t help but remember how it all began right here when he kissed me for the first time. We have been on again and off again many times since, but one thing has always remained; the undeniable feeling I have inside when I look at him and the absolute strength of our bond. But he’s right this time. He can’t be my everything right now, that much is true. Just because I agree with him, doesn’t mean I have to like it.
“You’re saying goodbye again, aren’t you?” I ask quietly.
“No,” he answers firmly. “We just need some time apart to figure things out, that’s all. I’m still going to be here, as your friend. And when things have settled down…” He pauses, searching my face like he did the last time he left. What he is looking for I don’t know, but I wonder if he sees the truth in my eyes. How much I love him. Even if he walks away for good, that isn’t going to change.