Lipstick and Lies (25 page)

‘Am I too late to ea
t with the family tonight?’

‘’f
raid so darling,’ I rummaged around in the range and extracted a plat
ed meal.
‘We had dinner at six.
’ I set the steaming food before
my husband
.
‘You’re late tonight.
I thought you said half seven.
It’s
gone
eight.’

‘Sorry.
Ethan will be
back
on Monday
,
so things will be a little easier.’
Jamie regarded the meal before him.
Sock-grey mince, dubious mash and anaemic peas.
He picked up his fork gamely.

‘I thought Ethan
was
back from
America
.’
I p
ulled up a chair and sat down.

‘He is.
But jet-lagged.
So he spent today working from home.
We’ve been on the phone to each other throughout the day.
By the way, Ethan wants us to celebrate the American success.
So we’re out to dinner with him and Selina tomorrow night.
Oh Cassi
e don’t look at me like that.’

I exhaled slowly.
Counted to ten.
‘Right,’ I said lightly.
‘I shall look forward to it.
What are we eating this time?
Ra
w turnip and sprout crudités?’

Jamie put down his fork.
Took my hand.
‘You will be very pleased to know we shall be eating out.
A posh restaurant
this time
.
The
Oxo
Tower
.’

My mouth dropped open.
The
Oxo
Tower
!
For the uninitiated, this is a restaurant that is quite simply the bee’s knees.
Owned by Harvey Nicks, slotted into a prime spot on the South Bank of the River Thames, this would be a whole new experience in arty farty dining.
And knowing I wasn’t going to be subjected to Selina’s raw food offerings, the menu would most definit
ely be arty rather than farty.

‘Can I presume from your bemused expression that you are feeling s
omewhat happier?’ Jamie asked.

‘Oh yes,’ I
nodded, ‘much, much happier.’

‘Thank God for that,’ Jamie closed his eyes, apparently offering
a prayer of thanks upwards.

Before I could make any further comment about Selina and the impending restaurant date, the kitchen door opened.
Gusts of cold air swirled around our ankles as Edna came in.
Hello.
Someb
ody was following in her wake.

‘Good evening my dears
.’
S
he ushered a tall silver-haired man into the warmth of the kitchen.
‘I’d
like you both to meet Arthur.’

For the second time in as many minutes I found my mouth dropping open.
Jamie immediately stood up and greeted Arthur properly.
The men
pumped hands chummily.

‘A pleasure to meet you Arthur.
We’ve heard a bit about you, haven’t we darling?’
Jamie turned to me.
I stood up too,
scraping
my chair noisily.

‘Hello Arthur.’
I also shook his hand
.
Arthur’s grip was firm.
Clearly a no-nonsense person.
Like Edna.
‘I’m Cassandra.
But d
o call me Cass.’

‘Good evening to you both,’ Arthur smiled warmly.
‘Don’t let me stop you from having your meal Jamie.
Please, carry on.’

Jamie’s smile faltered.
‘Um, I think I was just about finished actually.’
He turned to me.
‘That was
absolutely delicious darling.’

I whisked the plate away.
‘Do sit down
Arthur
.
Can I get you coffee?
Or tea?
You both look frozen.’
I
transferred
Jamie’s leftovers into a cat bowl.
Perhaps Wallace and Gromet would eat it.
Reaching for the ke
ttle, I blasted in some water.

‘A cup of strong coffee would be delightful Cass,’ said Arthur.
‘After you
,
Edna my love
.
’
H
e pulled a chair out for
my mother-in-law to sit upon.

‘Why
,
thank you Arthur.
Always such a gentleman,’ Edna simpered
,
b
efore sitting down.

I boggled into the kettle.
My mother-in-law, usually made of incredibly stern stuff, was behaving in a way never witnessed
before
.
Like a teenager.
In the grip of a schoolgirl crush.
I risked a glance at Jamie.
He was looking slightly bemused.
He caught my eye.
His look said it all.
I’m totally unprepared for this.
I turned my attention back to the kettle
, p
opped its li
d down and flicked the switch.

‘So!’ Jamie rubbed his hands together in a matey way.
‘I hear there are plans to build a boat.
Is that right?’

And Arthur was off.
He j
oyfully
told
Jamie about his seafaring days in the Merchant Navy, his position as Master Mariner
,
and worldwide travels on the waves.
I slid mugs in front of them
,
and silently took my seat.
Edna was adding her tuppence worth too – talking excitedly about the shell of a boat they’d found at a yacht club
.
Plans were afoot to add to the framework, and then refurbish
.
Now back to Arthur
who was
waxing lyrical about the pros and cons of diesel engines against petrol. Jamie’s eyes were on stalks.
Now Edna again, gabbling about somebody loaning a trailer to transport this twenty footer to
Lavender
Hill where it would be transformed into a cabin cruiser; back to Arthur
now
thanking Jamie
for agreeing to
lend
our well-
proportioned garage for the duration – I avoided Jamie’s gaze as he gawped incredulously at me – but once again Edna had picked up the reins of conversation and was rattling on about sailing routes that encompassed the Isle of Skye, Ireland, the Isle of Man,
and sailing
down the west coast,
before once again Arthur picked up the conversational thread and told us about their even bigger plans to eventually do a continental trip.
Judging from their blissful expressions, both of them had
mentally
reached Nirvana.
Dear God.
This couple were in their seventies.
What was wrong with a retirement spent in front of the telly wearing his ‘n’ her bobble slippers?
Just at that moment there wa
s a cry from the baby monitor.

‘Please excuse me,’ I murmured
,
before slipping away.
I don’t think Edna and Arthur even noticed me go.
They were lost
in an exciting world of ocean adventure.
I padded into Eddie’s nursery.
‘Hello little man.
Why have you woken up?
Oh pooh!’

I picked Eddie up, laid him down on his changing mat and unbuttoned his romper suit.
Nothing like a stinky nappy to remind one that life wasn’t all sailing boats and sunshine.
As I set to work with wipes and Sudocrem, I wondered if Nell might be doing the very same thing now she was back home with baby Rosie.
I would telephone her.
Just as soon as I’d
strapped
my son into this clean nappy.

‘Keep still for Mummy, there’s a good boy.’
Eddie energetically kicked his plump little legs and knocked the nappy out of my grasp.
‘Oh no!
Stop!’
My son chuckled with laughter as pee shot straight up in the air
and arced
over my sweater.
Marvellous.
Start again.

By the time I’d
settled
Eddie and
changed my top, Arthur had gone and Edna had taken herself off for a bath.
I tracked Jamie down in the lounge, slumped in front of the television. Toby and Jonas were either side of him, their sprawling bodies aping that of my husband.
He looked
up as I stood in the doorway.

‘You don’t mind if I
catch a bit of footie do you?’

‘Only if you don’t mind me holing up
in the study with the phone
for the next hour.
I want to chat with Nell.’

Jamie waved a hand.
‘Take as long as you like.
Me and the lads
are fine
.’

‘Boys, isn’t i
t past your bedtime?’ I asked.

‘Aw Mum, please let us stay up and watch the football.
It’s Friday.
No school tomo
rrow.’

‘Oh okay,’ I sighed.
It was easier to give in.
I had a quick check on
Petra
and Livvy.
They were both in their respective bedrooms and on their mobile phones.
It transpired they were talking to each other.
Nothing like wasting their contract minutes.
I shook my head in disbelief.
Again it was easier to give in than moan.
Once back downstairs, I
barricaded
myself in
to
the
study and picked up the phone.

‘Nellie-Wellie!’ I grinned into the handset.
‘How’s it all going?’

‘Cass?’ my friend squawked.
In the background, all hell seemed to be breaking loose.
I could hear Ben rumbling furiously at Dylan who in turn was answering back in
a
pre-teen slang that I could barely understand.
This was followed by a blood-curdling yell fit to perforate eardrums.
The sound of a newborn’s wails joined the cacophony
.
Nell promptly
burst into tears.

‘I-I can’t cope,’ my friend sobbed.
‘I’m totally out of my depth.
Should never have had another b-baby.
Dylan is jealous.
And Ben’s as much use as a boil on the b-bum.
And R
-Rosie won’t feed.’

‘Stay right there.
I’m coming over.’

‘Cass
,
it’s nearly ten o’clock.
I can’t drag you out. You
have your own baby to see to.’

‘Eddie is fast asleep.
I also have a hands-on husband and a mother-in-law at the helm.’
Although Edna would be transferring to a boat’s helm in due course, but no matter.
We would survive.
That’s why Mr Heinz had invented baked beans.
To save families like mine from the dubious culinary skills of mothers like me.
‘See you soon.’
I rattled the phone down and pic
ked up my car keys.

When I went into the lounge to tell Jamie about my imminent departure, he and the boys were doing a war danc
e up and down the sofa’s edge.

‘They scored darling!’ Jamie beamed befo
re high-fiving Jonas and Toby.

‘I couldn’t be more thrilled,’ I replied.
Football left me cold.
A lot of men rolling around in mud, one minute snogging each other, the next sitting on top of each other.
Or was that rugby?
Either way, I was immune.
‘Nell’s having a crisis.
I may be a while.’

‘Oh dear.
Baby bl
ues?’

‘Possibly.
Listen out for Eddie.’

‘Will do.
Give Nell my love.
Oh no ref!
That’s a foul!’

I left them to it.
Removing my coat from the heap over the banister – I really
must
put this little lot away – I went out into the freezing night.

When
I pulled up outside Nell’s house
,
I could hear the rumpus within
from the
driveway.
Neighbours’
net curtains were twitching.
I rang the bell.
After a minute or two, Ben flung the door open.
To say he looked harassed was an understatement.
He was sporting
a deep gash on
the
forehead
after fainting
in the
hospital
delivery room.