Letting Go of You (Anchored Hearts #2) (24 page)

Shocked at myself and what I said to him, I turned and rushed away from him.  He said something about coming over at eleven and I flipped him the bird.  He could come over, but I wouldn’t fucking be there.  Mission Cassidy Jailbreak was
still
underway.  I made my way back upstairs and found Delaney.

“Shit, I almost left.  You don’t look very happy.  You okay?”

“I’m fine.  If you want to go…”

“No!  I’m up for
lots
more dancing and drinking if you are.”

“Absolute
ly.”

Sometime later I made a bathroom run. 
As I was walking out of the bathroom my phone began vibrating and chimed, alerting me of a text.  It was from James and I also had one waiting from Paul.  James wanted to know where I was since it was eleven.  Two could easily play his game.  I dialed his number.  When he answered I made sure he could hear the music from the club before I spoke.

“If you really want to please me, you’ll wait for
me
to get home.” 

T
hen I texted Paul and told him if he felt like dancing he should come out and I told him where I was.  I was second-guessing texting Paul the second I sent it.  I was playing with fire.  Well, I’d just have to wait and see what would happen.  I put the phone on mute and sauntered back to the dance floor.

Around midnight Paul showed up and I was beyond tipsy.  James was right about Delaney.  She had a crazy strong tolerance to the alcohol, or she wasn’t drinking like I thought she was.
  I wasn’t sure how much time had passed as the five of us danced and danced some more.  Paul was every guy’s envy as the four of us sandwiched him in.

I saw Smith arrive and he began dancing with Delaney.  When did she call him? 
Paul was suddenly gone too.  Focusing my attention on Roxy and Misty, I was bi-curious like I’d never been before.  Not quite sure I could actually do the deed, but my anger—and the alcohol—had thrown all of my sensibilities out of the window.  I was dirty dancing with both of them to some song I couldn’t identify.  Was I willing to risk everything?  I wasn’t sure.  But what was
everything
?  Lately I felt like I had nothing because I didn’t have him.

Roxy moved in and kissed me again and I let her.  Misty was behind me running he
r hands down and over my hips and abdomen.  Roxy tasted like bubblegum, whereas James tasted like man and his kisses were hard, and hers were soft. I had to get out of there before I turned down a path I wasn’t ready to go down.

Pulling away, “I’m sorry girls.  I can’t, not now.” 

I didn’t stay long enough to hear their objections.  I rushed to the lobby, got my coat and Smith and Delaney were hollering after me.

“Cassidy.  Wait up.” 

I turned and looked at Smith.  There was no look of judgment there, but I was embarrassed of myself.  My chin started trembling and I fought it will all I could. 

“I need to go home.  Can you guys take me home?”

“Yes, sure thing.”

We were walking out the front doors when Paul
caught up to us.  “Hey, what’s wrong?” 

I shook my head while swiping at my tears.  “Nothing, I just want to go home.  Can you take me?”

Smith and Delaney didn’t object and as we were saying our goodbyes, James’s booming voice carried down the alley. 

“I swear to God Paul.  Get away from her.”

I probably looked a wreck by that point.

~ JAMES ~

Walking down the alley I saw her hugging Paul, with Smith and Delaney
were behind them.  She was clearly upset.  But why?  Had he made a move on her, had someone else? 

My blood was raging as I bellowed, “I swear to God, Paul.  Get away from her.” 

Everyone was surprised to see me, including Cassidy.  Paul stepped between her and I, like he was protecting her, and I about lost my shit. 

“
What happened?”  I was trying to look at her through Paul, but it was pointless.

“I could ask you the same thing.”  Paul was pushing my buttons and he was going to regret it.

“She’s
my
wife.  Back off!”

“Could’ve fooled me.”

“Stop it!”  Cassidy stepped around Paul and put her hands on my chest to protect Paul from me.

“Why are you protecting him?  He’s sleeping with my wife.”

“WHAT!”  Paul, Smith and Delaney all shouted it.  Cassidy just stared at me like I just killed her puppy.

Turning to Paul she said, “I’ll be fine.  Thank you for coming.  I’ll call you tomorrow.”  He tried to object.  “Please, Paul.”  He nodded and walked off.

“Delaney, can you still take me home?”

“Yes, of course.”

She turned to me, her eyes and expression both icy.  “You’ll never be happy if you don’t let someone in.  You’ll be alone forever.  I’ve seen the best of you and the worst of you.  Somehow, I still love you.  I’m still fucking here.  But I won’t be for long.”  I was speechless as she walked away with Delaney.

Smith grabbed my shoulder as he passed me.  “
Wake up.  You’re losing her, if you haven’t already.”  He stalked off behind them and I knew he’d get her home safe.

Unbeknownst to them, I followed her home anyway.  She walked in alone and I could tell she’d gone upstairs immediately.  The bedroom light was the only light that illuminated the windows.  I stepped out of the truck and I needed to cool my jets before I hurt someone. 

I found myself running, circling her block over and over.  Her words reverberated through my head.  ‘You’ll be alone forever’, ‘I love you’, ‘I’m still fucking here’, and any other obscenity she’d called me recently.  Not able to wait any longer, I headed up.  I had to hold her, fuck her, kiss her, and come inside her— not necessarily in that order— one more time.  Then I would give her the freedom she deserved and desired.  She was my world.  But I could no longer be in her world because I would just destroy her.

~ CASSIDY ~

I got home and went upstairs.  I felt dirty, used, and worthless.  Stripping down, I crawled into the shower and sank to the floor.  If I was trying to get him to hate me, I had probably succeeded.  Though, I could have said the same about him.  He fucked me without abandon, in front of a crowd of people.  I wanted him to do it again.  But why did it feel so wrong?  The water was up as hot as I could stand as I scrubbed my body clean of that night. 

I got out of the shower, put a towel around my head and wrapped a bath sheet around my body.  The mirror was fogged over and I swiped my hand across to find my sad eyes staring back at me. 
I didn’t want to remember the last words we spoke to each other that were words of anger.  It seemed to be a new phase in our
marriage
if you could still call it that.  He’d cut himself off from me in every way possible, except physically.  And fuck if I couldn’t resist him and the power his body had over me.  I had to stop finding myself in his bed anytime I ached for him.  God, I ached for him constantly.  Of course that would do nothing to stop him from showing up in my bed.  I needed to change the locks.  How could I do that?  I was as much his drug as he was mine. 

Sighing in resignation I walked out of the bathroom and a shiver ran down my spine.  My body felt his presence before I even saw him and before his cologne drifted through my nostrils.  Ignoring his
towering shadow standing by the door, I walked to the dresser knowing I wouldn’t tell him no, but I was going to try.

“What are you doing here?”  I reached the dresser and gripped the ed
ge searching for strength.

Silently he stalked up behind me.  He didn’t utter a word or lay a finger on me, but the heat seeped off of him and on to me.  I picked up my
iPod and scrolled for the song I’d been overplaying in his absence. 
Avril Lavigne
Give You What You Like
was pulled up and I put it back in the speaker dock and hit repeat.  His breath flew over my shoulder in abrupt waves as I dared not move.  I could smell the copious amounts of whiskey he had clearly consumed in the previous days, mixed with sweat. 

I wish I knew how to get him to open up.  Since everything with Derek
and his mother’s death he’d completely shut down on me.  Her loss just seemed to slam the proverbial coffin down on his heart.  We’d been going back and forth like this for weeks.  Me pushing for him to open up and him pulling me to the nearest flat surface. 

He pulled the towel from my head and my damp locks fell down my back.  I reached over and turned the music up, almost too much.  His hand gripped my hair as he tugged me back and his other hand crept around my ribs.  He splayed his hand just above my breasts feeling my heart hammer away for him.  His fingers ma
de their way under the towel as he peeled it from my body. 

My nipples were immediately erect, but I would never admit that it was from him and not the cool air.  His teeth bit down on the sensitive flesh where my neck and shoulder met and my body relaxed against him.  Reaching my hands back, I grabbed the back of his thighs as he pushed his growing erection against me.  I turned my face away from his seeking mouth as his lips engulfed my ear.  

“James, we can’t keep doing this.”  My words were barely a whisper and only drove him on.  He spun me around to face him and I looked into the green eyes I loved so much.  “No.”  He knew my words were a lie and so did I. 

His hands snaked down my arms until our fingers intertwined
, pulling them behind me until one hand gripped both my wrists.  My mouth tried to evade him, but it was pointless.  His free hand captured my chin and turned my face to his.

“I said no, James.”

Instead of speaking his lips lightly danced across mine as his whiskers tickled me.  His tongue licked my lips from one side to the other.  He repeated this action until my body succumbed to him.  We both felt when my body gave itself over to him.  My mouth opened and I thrust my tongue into his mouth finding what little bits of whiskey still lingered there.  Releasing my hands, he gripped my thighs just as I bit his lip, hard.

“God dammit.”  Pulling away from me he checked for blood with his fingers and I knew he’d find it.  I shoved his chest, trying to escape his body, but he didn’t move an inch.  He gripped my shoulders, his bleeding lip forgotten.  “Stop it!”

“I will not!”  Tears threatened as my hands found his hair and I pulled violently.  He just smiled at me before dropping to his knees in front of me.  His hands massaged my thighs, hips and ass. I was barely able to contain the whimper as he kneaded my extremely tender ass. “I hate you.” 

“No you don’t.  You love me.”  He wasn’t being sarcastic and he was right, I loved him.  Desperately.

I couldn’t stop the tears that fell from my eyes and my legs gave out.  Kneeling with him my forehead met his.  “Please let me in, baby.  Please.”  I pushed the hair out of his eyes and ran my fingers over his cheeks making my way to his scar like I always did.  His eyes closed as I traced his scar over and over again.  “Whatever it is, I can handle it.”

His eyes opened and were already transfixed on mine.  “What if I can’t handle it?”  I wasn’t sure
of his meaning.  “I want you, Blackbird.  I need you, only you.”  He knew what those words did to me. 

My
breath caught as I whispered, “Show me.”  His lips found mine again before I could say anything more.

His hands pulled my legs around his waist as I locked my hands behind his neck.  He stood up with me around him, l
ike I weighed nothing, before setting me on the dresser.  The dresser was high up, but not too high considering his height.  Filled with too much emotion and anxiety I yanked open the zippered hoodie he wore. The clatter of the zipper hitting the floor could barely be heard over the music.  Next I pulled off his signature tank before I heard the whir of his belt being whipped through all the loops.  I undid his pants and eagerly dove my hands in to his boxer briefs seeking what was mine.  Stroking him feverishly, he pushed his pants down rest of the way and managed to step out of them while kicking off his shoes. 

He attacked my mouth as his hands traveled up my thighs till he reached my apex.  His thumbs traced the skin of my inner thighs until he reached the dampness waiting for him.  Instead of teasing me in his usual fashion, he pierced my flesh with two fingers.  It felt so good that I bucked up against him with my arms again circling his neck as I cried out.  Dropping back down on the
dresse,r resting my head against the mirror, I braced my arms and began riding his hand as his eyes burned a hole in my soul. 

“Fuck me Cassidy, show me what you like.”  My eyes rolled back in my head momentarily as his words fell over me.  He continued twirling his fingers inside me and soon my arms gave out.  I clung to him desperately, wishing he’d stay, knowing when we were done and he was sated, he would leave.

“Please don’t leave.”  I couldn’t stop the words from falling out of my mouth.  “Please, James, please…”