Jaq With a Q (Kismet) (15 page)

Jaq peeked her head out, a frown on her face, and her toothbrush between her teeth. “What’s wrong?”

“Where’re these guys going to sleep?”

“I made them a bed in the bathroom,” she said around the paste in her mouth, ducking back in to spit.

I followed, looking at the makeshift bed, scooping Cleo up from biting my heels. I carried him to the corner and set him down on the old army blanket. He did three spins and plopped to his belly, a deep doggy breath and his sister followed.

Jaq rinsed her mouth and then turned to me. “Ollie, what are you doing?”

An unnoticeable breath filled my lungs and I closed the gap between us in two steps. “I want to try something different tonight. Will you let me?”

“Tonight? Try what? What do you mean?”

“Are you done in here?”

“Why? And no, I have to pee.”

“Go to the bathroom and say goodnight to your puppies.”

“Why?”

“Just do it.” I growled with a smile and teasing tone.

I nervously waited in her room, my heart beating in loud thumps through both my ears, filling my head with a steady, thump, thump, thump. What if she freaked out on me? Maybe this was too soon.

“Okay, now what?”

My internal dialog stopped when I turned to see her thin silhouette in the doorway, the bright light behind her. Had I not known who or what she was, I would have thought she was stunning. Wait, I still thought that. Her small breasts were outlined by the light behind her; her hips, always hidden behind baggy sweats, actually did have curves. The thin cotton pants portrayed them very well.

“You’re so pretty.”

Jaq’s eyes immediately dropped with her head.

“Shit. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say that out loud, but you are. I wish you would see that.”

“I don’t want to see that. Being pretty is what got my mom caught. I don’t want be like her.”

“Caught?”

“Yes, like a trap. Never mind. What do you want? I’m ready for bed,” she said, her feet carrying her to the bed where she turned down the covers like she planned on using it.

I slowly walked toward her, praying for the courage we both needed. “Remember how you fell asleep this morning?”

She knew. She knew exactly what I wanted as soon as I touched her fingers. “I can’t do that, Ollie.”

“Will you try?”

Her words came out shaky and her tone pleading, insecurities enveloping her every being. “Ollie.”

I moved in and wrapped my arms around her from behind, feeling her body tremble. She didn’t freak out or pull away, that’s what mattered. “I’m not going to touch you. I’m just going to lay with you. That’s it. I promise.”

“Ollie.”

“Lay down, Jaq,” I ordered, fighting the urge to move her with the thrust of my hips.

Jaq crawled into bed without another word, stopping me from turning out the bathroom light. “I like it on.”

I turned it off anyway, catching a glimpse of Cleo and Leo, sound asleep in the corner. “You don’t need it on. You’ll sleep better without it. They sure are wrinkly.”

Jaq tensed, her body transforming into rigid and stiff when I slid into bed, omitting the normal habit to slide out of my basketball shorts and tee-shirt. I moved her close to me with one pull, placing her right in my arms with my lips on her forehead. “Relax. We’re just going to lay here and talk until we fall asleep. That’s it.”

“Talk about what?”

“Skittles.” I teased. Sort of. She did need to count Skittles. Her body was straighter than a board.

“You are my Skittles. I don’t need to do that with you.”

That made me feel like I had when I was a kid. When my dad taught me how to conquer the world. It had nothing to do with degrees, jobs, or fancy condos. Condos and street noise I never did get used to. It was this. This was what he meant, and Jaq made it so easy to do. Living for right now, for this exact moment, these feelings. That’s what he meant. Nothing else mattered and things would never be the same again. I was one-hundred-percent sure of that. This was my purpose. This right here.

“Funny you should mention that. I’m going to change your medications.”

Her body relaxed a little, falling into mine just a bit more. “Your dad’s? The one from when the FBI got involved?”

“Something like that. It won’t be right away. I have to do some work first.”

Again, she fell into me a little more, the tension releasing from her frightened body. “Like lab stuff?”

“Yes, I just have to come up with the lab. That’s what I wanted the garage for, but now I’m half afraid to. I don’t want that idiot sheriff snooping around here.”

“Is it illegal to have a lab in your garage?”

“No, but he’s already got a hard on for me. I mean, he’s already got a problem,” I said, my mind chastising my big mouth. It wasn’t the lab I was worried about. The drug that I needed was the problem. The exact same one that killed my dad. Never in a million years did I think I’d be following in his footprints. Never.

Jaq giggled in my chest and I felt the lingering tension release from her body. “I’m not three. You can say hard on.”

Jesus. I could say it. Not her. This was totally not about that. It was never about sex, but it kept happening. Like this. I feigned a cough in order to shift my hips away from her, but that only landed my hand on her lower back, making it even worse.

I hadn’t had sex in almost four years. Not since I quit my pharmacist job and Silas talked me into doing a business deal with him. I tried to be like him, indulging in parties, having sex with random chicks, and spending money on things I really didn’t care about. That lasted about as long as the pharmacy career. I couldn’t even remember the last time I jerked off, never really had the desire. Until now…

Instead of carrying on that conversation, I switched gears, mostly for my own benefit. I had things going on that not one of those random chicks had pulled from me, not like this. “You never told me what you wished for. Tell me what you dreamed of as a little girl. Like what did you want to be when you grew up?”

“You’ll think it’s silly and absurd.”

“I’m not going to think it’s silly or absurd. I wanted to be a Superman, so I promise not to judge.”

One day I would learn not to be shocked by her words. One day. Not this one. I thought she wanted to be Snow White or Cinderella.

“A mommy. I used to dream about having my own little girl, only I was different than my mom. I would love her and take care of her; I wouldn’t lie to her and scare her. I would play with her and make her happy and make sure she never cried. I wouldn’t ever let her cry.”

I didn’t know how to respond to that. It wasn’t like I could tell her she could still do that, and I sure the hell wasn’t going to burst her dream by telling her it was indeed silly.

“You think it’s ridiculous too, huh?”

“Of course not, but you sort of are a mommy. Do you have any idea how much work two puppies are?”

“And kittens. Don’t forget about those.”

“Yes and those,” I agreed, relief and dread felt at the same time. If taking care of these animals was what made her happy, she could have all she wanted without me batting an eye. No protests from me.

Jaq talked about nothing and everything. The flower garden outside, the bed we needed to make for Quinn the cat, the lake we were going to show the puppies, and the birds nest over the outside light where the little blue eggs were ready to hatch.

As hard as it was, I refrained from moving my hand, or brushing my thumb over the patch of skin I felt on her back. No matter how much I tried to focus, the urges wouldn’t stop. They were so strong; uncontrollably strong.

I laid there with her in my arms long after she dozed off, trying like hell not to think about it. Concentrated thoughts moved in and out of my mind, everything that had happened throughout the day, the dogs, the cat, the sheriff, the goose egg below my eye, anything and everything to stop the thoughts sending blood to the intense growth behind my shorts. I couldn’t talk it down to save my ass.

Jaq did absolutely nothing to help. After I tried to move my sleeping arm from below her body, hoping to create a little space between us, she rolled over. That was way worse. Her face turned away from me, but her ass shoved against me. And just when I thought it couldn’t get any harder, it did.

I didn’t move, not at first. My hips stayed very still, my teeth sank into the side of my jaw, and my dick flinched. That’s when I slowly slid from the bed, leaving her purring like a kitten in a deep sleep.

Flipping on the television, I turned it to the Animal Planet channel and released my erection to my hand, stroking it in long slow movements. My eyes closed and I pictured touching her, tasting her, and fucking her. Letting my mind take me to forbidden places, I stroked myself, almost feeling her. Tight and wet. My mind led my fingers to her slit and they glided, spreading her wetness around her puckering nub. Her mouth was next. Right there in front of me on the couch. First, I coated her lips with pre-come, and then I placed my hand on the back of her head, shoving down while my head slid between her lips and to the back of her throat. The fantasy lived long enough for me watch her straddle my lap and sit on my cock. That’s when I jerked, stroking come to the palm of my hand, three squirts and a load of built up tension releasing from my shuddering body.

That’s what she did to me, and that’s what I didn’t understand: the unison I felt around her. I never felt like she had a debilitating illness, or maybe I didn’t want to see that. Regardless, she did things.

Things that left me breathless.

Things that I didn’t understand.

As a scientist, that in itself was debilitating. It’s what I did. I analyzed things until I figured them out, but not this.

Not Jaq.

Chapter Fourteen

I swear our eyes opened at the exact same time. Jaq was on her side, I was on mine, and we faced each other. Cleo and Leo may have been the reason for our instant arousal, noisy puppy-romping from the floor.

Jaq’s hands were below her cheek, her smile the highlight of my day. “I slept.”

“You did sleep. That makes me happy. How do you feel?”

Jaq’s eyes moved from mine to the ceiling and back. “Hungry.”

I could have stayed in bed staring at her pretty face all day. “Come on. I’ll start coffee and you can take the puppies out.”

“By myself?”

“Yes. You did it last night.”

“But you were right inside the door.”

I stood, instantly being attacked by puppies, catching the two puddles of puppy pee on the hardwood floor. Not sure what I was trying to say, or what I even meant, I spewed some sort of hidden metaphor that she seemed to decipher. Geesh, I was turning into my dad. “I’ll always be right inside the door, and you have a couple puddles to clean up.

Jaq smiled the brightest smile ever, sitting up and looking to the floor. “What did you do, huh? You want outside, don’t you? Yes, you do. Good morning to you, too.”

I watched her drop to her knees and love them, letting them kiss her face and crawl all over her. She looked up to me, laughing at one falling over the other, flat on his back, and then it was gone. Her eyes drifted to my shorts, to my morning wood, the smile gone in an instant. Of course, my face turned five shades of red, but I didn’t dare comment on it. What the hell would I even say? Nothing. Not to her.

Jaq scurried off one way, and I darted out the door, listening to her puppy talk as I left, wondering what went through her mind.

I made coffee, started a pan of water for boiled eggs, and watched, unable to hide how happy I was. How much joy she brought into my life, and I didn’t even know why. To the outside, the rest of the judging world, she was different, flawed, and defective. Not to me. She was perfect in every way possible. Without a miracle drug, Jaq was perfect.

In the eye of the beholder.

Dashing toward my phone, I slid my socks across the hardwood floor, a giddy, playful side of me coming from somewhere.

“Hey, what’s up?”

“Making some breakfast. What’s up with you, man?”

“Not much, making plans with some friends to climb Machu Picchu next month. You really need to go on one of these trips with us. It’s so liberating.”

“Yeah, fifteen hours on a plane to Peru to climb a mountain with a bunch of guys. I’ll jump right on that,” I replied sarcastically, my eyes and a smile on Jaq who was now loving on Quinn, the puppies off exploring a few feet from her.

“You don’t know what you’re missing. You’ve got a package arriving today. It’s going to come wrapped like a birthday present.”

Thoughts of how I had just done a mental perfection assessment on her moments before wrapped around my mind. I wasn’t sure how much the magic pill mattered anymore. Changing her didn’t seem as important to me as it had earlier. She didn’t need changed. She needed loved.

The mountain in Peru was stepped over. There was no need for that conversation. I wouldn’t be going there to climb any mountain. “Yeah, okay. Thanks, man. You taking some time off work?”

“Not really, but I’m not looking for it either. I have an investment deal with some new birth control drug I have to tend to before I take off, but everything else sort of runs itself, ya know?”

“Yeah, I hear you. Have fun. Send me some pics.”

“I’m not going tomorrow. I said next month. You’re blowing me off? For what?”

Jaq’s name and her pretty face instantly crossed my mind, but that’s not what I said. Not out loud. “It’s eight-thirty in the morning. The coffee isn’t even done yet.”

“You’re such a pussy. Keep an eye out for the package.”

“How’s it coming?”

“UPS, but there was a slight problem.”

I frowned at Silas and smiled at Jaq, a big smile. She had her back to me, sitting in front of the impending garden when Cleo ran up behind her and dove on her back. Quinn jumped out of her arms and hightailed it out of there, and Jaq rolled to her back, Cleo right on top of her. “What?”

“It’s in Gummy Bears.”

“What’s in Gummy Bears? What the hell are you talking about?”

“The LSD. That’s all I could do.”

“You’re serious? You sent me Gummy Bears laced with LSD? What the hell am I supposed to do with that?”

“You don’t just buy liquid LSD. People laughed at me. It’s not around. Now if you want to try some Molly, I can hook you up.”

I rolled my eyes and replied sarcastically. “Thanks for the help. Catch you on the flip side.”

“See ya.”

I did get the package that day, a pretty pink box full of more boxes, pink and purple tissue paper full of different candies and chocolates, tied with white ribbon. The fake candy company was the perfect disguise. Even the logos looked authentic, and had I not already known the Gummy Bears were tripping, it looked like something I would send as a gift. To Jaq even. It was very well put together. Nonetheless, I placed the glittery lid back on the box and stuck it inside the pantry, right next to the cereal.

Jaq and I lived a life away from society. We worked on the flower garden together. Well, mostly I did. She just told me what to do and played with Cleo, Leo, and Quinn. Every day was a milestone, and like a morning rose, Jaq began to open up to me, and to her animals, but that was it. I couldn’t even get her to come outside if the crew was there working on the dock, way down by the lake. The day the roofers came she was a ball of nerves all day, refusing to leave her room, pacing the floors, and wringing her hands. That was the first day since we’d gotten there that she asked for an anxiety pill. Keeping her busy, and her mind occupied kept her calm and thriving. People made her anxious. Most of the time she was fine. She just didn’t like to be around people. Except for me, of course.

Within three weeks the work was done, and so many things had happened. Things that I wrote in my notes after Jaq had fallen asleep in my arms, only lately it had turned into more of a journal than investigating notes; a journey I never saw coming. We had adopted a cat, paid too much money for the worst puppies in the world, watched five little kittens be born, burying one. We paddled out into the lake in our new boat to fish, but Jaq hated it. She thought it was cruel and as soon as she asked me how I would like to be hooked in the mouth with a sharp hook and reeled in until I dangled in the air by my face, I knew there would be no more fishing. Not with her. We did something else though, something I didn’t even do when I was a kid. We paddled out to the far corner of the lake to watch swan eggs. Every single day.

An old beaver dam hosed what started out as three eggs, but over three weeks became twelve. We learned from Google that after three weeks of laying, it would take another six before they hatched. That didn’t stop Jaq though. We still had to paddle out there to check on them. Every single day. I learned things about her every single day, but nothing she didn’t want to talk about.

That bomb shell came one evening after I had just scolded Leo for chewing up another shoe. I took them outside while Jaq showered, lecturing both of them about the toys they were allowed to chew on, threatening to euthanize both of them if they didn’t stop. It was like any other night. She fell into a deep sleep in my arms, and tried like hell to talk down the urges. I was fine until she rolled to her back, landing my hand right over her breast. A hard, dry lump stuck in my throat, my eyes dropped to her closed eyes and then her lips, and my hand felt the bead behind her shirt.

I slowly moved from the bed, my hand gliding across her chest on purpose. Sometimes writing about our day helped cool things down, but we hadn’t done much that day. It had rained most of the day, and we were stuck inside.

Watching the sci-fi channel, some low budget film, did nothing for my problem. I finally gave up and slid my shorts down in order to stop thinking about it. My head dropped to the back of the sofa, my eyes closed, and my shaft grew in my fist. Jaq’s mouth replaced my hand and I imagined holding her hair back while I watched her suck, swallow, and lick, a soft moan escaping from my throat.

“Ollie? What are you doing?”

My eyes popped opened, my body stiffened, and my hand tried like hell to get my hard dick behind the elastic in my shorts. “Nothing. What’s wrong? What are you doing up?”

“You weren’t in bed. I saw you.”

I had no idea how to respond to that. She just stood there, staring at me, waiting for something. Something that I didn’t know. “I—I—I.”

“I told you this was a bad idea. Whether you believe me or not, I’m not stupid. I know what you were doing. I saw you, I just don’t understand why. You’ve known from the very beginning that I couldn’t do things with you. Why are you doing this? You tainted it. Everything. You’re ruined it. Now what? Now what am I supposed to do?”

Telling her that I had just imagined her on her knees in front of me didn’t seem like the best response. “Nothing is tainted, Jaq. We’re fine. It’s nothing. I’m a guy, and guys have needs. That’s it. Nothing more.”

Jaq reached down and picked Cleo up from jumping up her leg, her eyes watery, never leaving mine. She rubbed under Cleo’s neck, trying to find the words to say to me. More words that felt like a ball bat, right to the back of the knees. “You don’t know everything, Ollie. I’m not a girl. I’m a boy. I’ve always been a boy. I mean; I know I’m a girl, but sometimes I can’t help thinking about being a boy. I don’t want you to think of me like that. I’m never going to do things with you. I never am.”

I just stared at her, no words. Nothing came to mind, nothing rolled off my tongue, and my eyes wouldn’t even blink.

“I don’t need you in bed with me. I’m a big girl.”

“What the fuck does that mean, Jaq? You’re a boy?”

“Nothing, forget it. I knew you wouldn’t understand. Come on, Leo, let’s go, buddy,” she called to Leo chewing on his own toy for a change.

I let her go because I didn’t know what else to say to her. Hell, I didn’t even know a transgender. But, it did put things into prospective a little. She wore torn boy’s jeans, baggy sweats, and tee-shirts big enough to fit me because that’s how she felt inside. My theory of her dressing like that to keep from being noticed went straight to hell. There was no feminine side to hide. Jesus Christ. What the hell did I get myself into?

Things changed in an instant after that. I changed, and I was sure we would never be the same. I would never jackoff with her on my mind again. It was just too weird. All of it. Every one of our steps forward were gone, wiped clean by a confession I didn’t ask for, nor did I want.

I stood, feeling like the oxygen in the room had changed too, my fingers running through my hair, trying to grasp what she’d just said. No wonder she was so fucked up, but now...so was I. There was no coming back from this. So many missed signals or was it denial? Did I see it weeks ago? No, no I didn’t, and I could have sworn she had flirted with me a little the day before. Her long eyelashes even batted when she laughed at me for stepping in dog shit.

Rather than opening her door, I looked in on her through my laptop. She wasn’t in her room, not that I was surprised, but I didn’t go after her. I chose to let Cleo and Leo take my place, keeping her safe. I couldn’t do it. My mind needed a minute to process the new information. Surely she expected that.

I walked out to the porch, needing a breath of fresh air for a second to regain my composure, think things through, and figure out what the hell to do now. I sat on the steps, instantly being attacked by tiny little kittens, growing by the day. When I pushed one away, two more would climb up my legs. We played this game for a few minutes until they tired of me, Mama Quinn calling them to the crate Jaq had made for them in the corner.

Evidently the lesson wasn’t learned here. I went to bed in my old room, but I didn’t think about the news I couldn’t quite handle. Instead, I reached my hand inside my shorts and stroked my limp dick. Bringing it to life, I took a deep breath and closed my eyes only to open them right away. Her eyes were right there, her smile, and her lips were closing around the head of my cock. Giving up after trying to replace her with Astrid Bergès-Frisbey, Charlize Theron, and Carrie Underwood, I let Jaq wander into my mind and take over. Choosing the path of least resistance, I pretended it never happened. That Jaq wasn’t what she thought she was. She was a girl with big blue eyes and pouty lips, body, mind, and soul, not this other person.

Regardless of how much I tried to remember the transgender surprise, substitute her with imaginary hot chicks, I couldn’t do it. It was her mouth sliding over my shaft, it was her pussy I sank balls deep into when I came in my hand, and it was her body shuddering below me. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. My boring job county data suddenly didn’t look so bad anymore. What the fuck was I supposed to do now?

My night was long, very long. I’m not sure I slept more than a couple hours, and my mind never did shut down. But…Even with the little bit of rest, I woke feeling different, like I had to do what I had to do. I made a promise, and Jaq wasn’t the one who changed. She was still the same girl she had been since I met her. This was my problem, not hers. I showered and started coffee and then breakfast just like I did every morning, and then I woke her.