Inside of You (Jessa & Paxton #2) (18 page)

“Don’t worry. I’ve seen my share of what losing someone you love does to a person,” Jason tells him in all seriousness.

“Shit, sorry man. That was stupid of me to say. Don’t listen to me. This one,” Paxton says, turning to me again, “she’s got me acting all stupid,” Paxton tells him, realizing what I am realizing too – Jason lived through the ultimate heartbreak and consequences of love with his parents. When you put it in perspective this nit picking bullshit that Paxton and I are doing is just stupid. But, on the other hand, it’s just one more example of how love never works out. Even when two people are desperately in love. The pain on Jason’s face makes me turn away. It makes me feel immature and petty. I walk a few feet to where Nat and Em are sitting and join them.

“He’s so happy to see Paxton,” Emily says with a smile, looking at Pax and Jason. “I can’t believe I ever thought Paxton was bad for
Jason. He cares about that kid so much.”

“Yea
h, he does,” I reluctantly admit.

“He deserves you, Jess,” Emily whispers. “He’s been through so much and with you he was finally happy.
He deserves to be happy. And you do too.”

I take a deep breath and try to focus on the fire and not on Paxton. Eventually I see him walking towards me. He stands
in front of me before reaching down and grabbing a hold of me, pulling me from my chair before sitting down and pulling me on top of him.

“
In case you don’t get it, Pax, you don’t get to push me around like this anymore,” I angry whisper at him, my body tense in his arms.

“Push you around? Please. You want to be on my lap almost as much as I need you here. Just chill out, okay?” he
tells me, shifting his body so that I am leaned against his chest. I inhale his scent and feel my body relaxing on him. “It’s good to be back here,” he says quietly. “I can almost see why you want to stay. If this is really what you want, Jess, I’m cool with that. We can live here.”

I laugh at his words. “I don’t want to live here, Paxton. I just want to live where you aren’t.”

I can’t see him, but I can feel him shaking his head. “When I first rolled into this town I wouldn’t have ever figured that it would be the place where I would finally start to figure shit out. Where I would find the girl who would make everything right,” he says, blowing over the fact that I just told him the only thing I wanted was to be where he wasn’t.

“When you rolled into town I pretty much knew
, from the first second I met you, that you would be the one to destroy me.”

“Sad, isn’t it
, that I see you as the person who saved me and you look at me like I’ve destroyed you. I mean, shit… were we living in two different worlds, doing two different things? Because I’m missing something. When you are you, with me, there is nothing but perfection between us. Even here, in this town, when I was watching you with Dylan… I’d never felt so right. But now you are trying to take all that away… what we had here, what we built in Chicago… and for what? Because I had a couple of run-ins with Stella while you were gone? Because you’re scared of your mom who you are nothing like?”

Paxton’s words are true.
Or they were true. I thought they were the truth. “You don’t know her Paxton. You don’t know who she was before my dad left her.”

“Then tell me. Make me understand so we can get past this shit. I mean
, some guy leaves his wife seven years ago and my life is a living hell because of it? Why would you turn that shit on us? I’m not your dad and you’re not your mom.”

“It’s not just my mom, Pax. It’s everyone.”

“It’s not everyone. It’s definitely not me. What’s the point of living life if you are never going to let anyone in? I mean, is getting by, day by day, just making sure you never get too close to anyone, really living…. Is that any different than what your mom’s doing? You
were
just like her. Living without emotion. You were just like her until you finally let me in. Until you finally let go of all your shit and just started living with me.”

I close my eyes and try to subdue the pain that is rising in my chest.
I never looked at it that way, but he’s right. We were both just trying to live without emotion. Without feeling anything for any one. “Feeling nothing is better than feeling this,” I tell him.

“What is
this
? What the hell are you feeling? ‘Cause as far as I can tell there is no reason to feel anything but fucking ecstatic. What happens when we are together is ecstasy. But you won’t let it just happen. You keep trying to fuck it all up and take it away from us.”

“
That’s not true, Pax. Since the moment I told you I was yours, that I loved you and I was willing to do this with you, all I’ve done is try to make sure you are happy. The only thing I was living for was you and your happiness. And I was cool with that. It was all I wanted. You asked me to stay in Chicago and support your music and I did. You asked me to stay home with you over Thanksgiving and Christmas and I did. You asked me to stay out of the bars and away from people and I did. When you needed me to cover up my body, or skip class, or blow things off so I could be with you, I did. Because I wanted to. Because all I wanted was to make sure we were safe and happy and the only time I’ve ever felt that way is with you, in your life. So, no, I was not trying to fuck us up. I was just trying to love you. Even when I came home, it wasn’t for Nat and it wasn’t so that I could figure out how to live without you, it was so that I could figure out how to love you right, so I could hold onto you, so you wouldn’t leave my crazy ass.

“
And you’re right - this thing between us has always been good. Our friendship, here in this town, was awesome. Our relationship in Chicago was perfect. But what do we really have? If everything comes crumbling down the minute we are separated, how concrete is this thing between us? If the second I step out of your life you change completely, then how much do I really know you? How can I put my life in the hands of someone that I don’t even know?”

“You know me, Jessa. Don’t act like you don’t. It was the drugs. That’s not who I am. You know that. Me, high on cocaine… that’s not me. But I’m done with that shit. I know better now. If you ever leave me again I will cope better. I will stay clean. I won’t fuck shit up again. You can’t just give up. And you’re right. You do everything for me. You are
my everything. If I haven’t been there for you like I should have, if you feel like our life is all about me and not about us, I get that. I’m selfish. When you told me we should have left that city, I should have listened to you. But beso, people fuck up. I fucked up. I will give up everything for you. You are the only thing that matters. What do you want, what do you need? Because I will give up everything. You are the only thing I want.”

I’m falling for his words. I’m losing myself in the sound of his voice. I’m melting into him, but then he
buries his hand in my hair and my anger and jealousy surfaces because I’m brought back to where it all started. The night I realized Stella was his first true love. I wonder what kind of words he said to Stella. When she left him for Vincent, what did he say to her to try and get her to stay? When he was inside of her, making love to her in their bed, what did he say to her? His words for me aren’t new. They are recycled.

“Say something, beso.”

“What did you call her?” I ask him.

“What are you talking about?”

“Stella… what was your nick name for her? You call me beso, what did you call her?”

“What the fuck does that have to do with anything?”

“I’m just curious. Did you run your hands through her hair like you do to me? Did you spend your weekends in bed with her like you do with me? Did you make her come from the inside for the first time like you did with me? Did you make her promise to always remain inside of you like you did to me? Did you beg her to take you back after you went on a drug binge? Did you write songs for her? Did you tell her you would do anything for her? Did you share your life in Glencoe and Venice with her?” I sit up out of his hold and look at his eyes.

“That’s what this is all about? You can’t let go of the fact that I was in a relationship with that girl? You’re gonna let the past come between us?” he says angrily, his eyes boring into mine.

“It’s not the past, Paxton. And all your sweet words, all the things that you do that make me feel like I’m the only one, I get it now… this is just who you are in relationships. What you and I have is no different than what you had with her and what you will have with a dozen girls after me. This is exactly why I am the way I am. For me it will always and only be you. But for you, I’m just what’s happening now.”

“You are so blind,” he tells me. “What I had with her is nothing. You know that. You’ve heard it from her d
amn mouth. I never loved her.”

“You were with her for three years. I’m not stupid. Yes, shit unraveled – you cheated on her, you cared about the drugs and the music more than her, but I’m sure the first few months were just like ours have been. I’m sure you made her feel like she was the
only one, like you needed her, like you were in love with her. Like you were her best friend and her partner. It’s why she didn’t let you go when you started treating her like shit. Because she knew… she knew how good it had been and that she would never love anyone like she loved you. What words did you use to get back in her bed after you fucked up? Were they any different than the words you are using on me right now?”

“Jesus, kid, you have lost it. I never begged that girl for anything. I never wanted or needed anything from her except for her drugs. I’ve never felt like this about anyone. It’s only you. It will always be only you. Before you there was nothing to give anyone. I wasn’t even a fucking human being in that city. I was never capable of love until I found you.”

“I don’t believe you,” I sputter, pushing my hands into his chest.

“I fucking get that. What am I gonna do to make you believe me?”

“Staying the hell away from her would have been a good start. But you couldn’t even do that.”

“I did fucking do that. I already explained that shit to you. Why can’t you trust me? How could you think I would
intentionally put shit with you in jeopardy to be by her? You know how she operates.”

“I know all kinds of shit, Paxton. I’m not as stupid as you think I am,” I tell him, pushing his hands off me and standing. He
stands too, hovering above me. He wraps his arms around my back and pulls me to him. I prop my hands between our bodies and push, but I can’t separate us.

“You don’t know anything if you thi
nk that girl ever meant something to me. You can do this shit all day long, kid. You can fight with me for the rest of your life. But I’m not gonna let you let go of me. I’m never gonna walk out of your life.”

We stare at
each other. I can’t help the fact that I’m weak in his arms. That his eyes make me want to give up and take whatever he is willing to give me for as long as he will let me have it. “I don’t know what to do with you, Paxton. I think you believe yourself, but I don’t believe you.”

“That’s fucking sad, Jess. Does what we have, what happens when we’re together mean nothing? Is
whatever I did in my past – whether I loved her or not – more important than the way that I need you and the way you need me?”

I close my eyes. I don’t know how else I can explain this to him. He’s never going to see that his feelings for me are going to fade and that mine for him never will. All I know is that I need to let him go completely or be willing to give myself back to him and try to let myself accept his love for as long as he’s willing to give it to me. “I don’t know, Pax,” I whisper.

“No, Jess. Obviously the answer to that fucking question is no.” He grabs a hold of my chin and raises my eyes to his. “I love you. Don’t do this to me,” he tells me with pain in his voice and intensity in his eyes. He brings his lips to mine. His soft, wet flesh rests on mine and I let myself suck on his bottom lip, tasting it. He doesn’t move to kiss me, he just closes his eyes and breathes heavy, rapid breaths onto my lips. I wrap my lips around his and it hurts. I brush my tongue inside of his mouth that I know so well. That tastes like only he tastes, and it hurts. I want his mouth. I want it to belong to me, and only me, forever. I grab onto his skull and bring his mouth down on mine. My tongue caresses his, moves with his like it always does. Like we were meant to do this together.

Whatever state of mind he was in, he comes out
of as his arms wrap tightly around my back, pulling me up to him and immediately, as our bodies connect, mine is charged with need for him. He’s so warm and he smells so good, he tastes so perfect and the sound of our tongues moving together, of the muted moans of appreciation that are always there when our bodies are connected make my body ache for him.

I try to
stop kissing him, but my mouth keeps going back for more. When I finally pull away, he rests his head on mine. “This is only us, beso,” he whispers through labored breaths. “You’re only gonna have this with me and I’m only going to have it with you. Don’t take it from us.” I know I will only feel this way with Paxton. That’s all I know right now. I can’t think clearly when his hands are on me. “Tell me, Jessa… that it’s only us,” he rasps.

“It’s only you, Pax. It will always be you,” I whisper.