Inside of You (Jessa & Paxton #2) (15 page)

I walk into th
e mudroom and kick off my Vans. I put my game face on and hope that I can breeze right past them and up to my room.  I step into the kitchen telling them, “Good morning,” with a smile on my face. I have my hand raised to say, ‘hi’, and my body already positioned to make the turn into the hallway when I notice the third person at the kitchen table… when I realize Paxton is at my kitchen table with Lydia and Dean. “What the fuck?” I mutter, stopping dead in my tracks.

“Jessa,” my mother gasps. I can’t take my eyes off Pax, but I know
both of her hands are protecting her heart from my harsh words.

Paxton pushes back from the table and stand
s like he’s coming toward me and my heart starts racing. My mind is fuzzy. What the hell is he doing here? “Jessa,” he says, like he’s the one that’s surprised to see me here and not the other way around.

“What are you doing here?” I manage to whisper.

“What do you mean, what am I doing here?”

“You left with… you were with… what the hell?”

His head retracts and he gives me a crooked smile, “I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about, beso,” he says under his breath. He’s just inches from me now and his presence is making my skin crawl and my fingers twitch, my insides ache. His presence is making me remember him. Us. And letting me forget the monumental asshole he’s been all week.

Dean clears his
throat loudly and the clatter of his chair sounds across the floor. “Jessa, why don’t you go put some clothes on,” he suggests.

“Yeah,” I manage to mutter through my confusion. I turn away from Paxton and head out of the kitchen and up the stairs to my bedroom. I can hear someone following me and I can only assume it’s Paxton because my mom and Dean are both big proponents of avoiding conflict. Having Paxton in my room is not a good idea right now. I know that. Yet, I don’t close the door behind me when I enter my room like I should.

I head into my bathroom and start taking my eye makeup off like
he’s not there with me. Like there aren’t a million problems between us. I don’t look at his reflection in the mirror, but I can feel him. I can feel him in the room with me and I feel hot. And bothered. But I stay focused on what I’m doing.

“You gonna tell me what’s going on or are you just gonna keep ignoring me?”

“I’m surprised Paxton, that you’re here. Did you make the six hour drive for me?” I ask him, reaching into the shower and turning on the water.

He steps towards me and I try my best to ignore him, but when his hands wrap tightly around my waist I let out a gasp at the pleasure his hands on the exposed skin of my midriff causes. My bones feel weak, but I manage to push at his chest, trying to get him o
ff me. I can’t look at his eyes so I’m staring at his body. His strong, lean, long, perfect body. His white t-shirt that is caught up on the buckle that is securing his faded jeans to his hips. The buckle that I want to tear open. “I need to shower,” I manage to tell him. “You’re going to have to leave.”

“What the hell
are you talking about?” he asks, releasing his grasp on me. “I don’t need to leave ‘cause you’re getting in the shower. Fuck, beso, who the hell are you?”

Every muscle in my body flexes with anger but I manage to ignore him, stripping my
clothes off of my body, listening to his stifled, “fuck,” and stepping into the shower.

I turn my face to the water, trying to accept the
fact that Paxton is here with me and not in bed with Stella. What does that mean? It means he didn’t go home with her. It means he would have gotten into his car within a couple of hours after the show in order to be in River Bluff right now. It means he thinks I’m going to forgive him for what he did to me. It means he thinks the fact that I left him is a good enough excuse for what he did to me and I’m just gonna forget about everything simply because he’s here
. Fuck that
.

And then I feel his hands wrapped around my stomach, his cock pre
ssed up against my lower back, his mouth on my neck. It feels euphoric for about a second. Until it hurts. Until it pisses me off. I thrust myself out of his arms and turn before backing into the wall. His hands are back on me again, his body inches from mine, his face as intense as I’ve ever seen it. “Get out of here, Paxton.”

His hand grabs a hold of my chin and his fingers clamp down. “What?” he
seethes.

“
I said, get the fuck out of here.”

“Why would I g
et the fuck out of here?” he says, before ducking down and taking my bottom lip in his teeth. He releases it and then moves his mouth to my ear. “You are mine. I am yours. Why would you want me to get the fuck out of here?”

My body is trembling with desire, but my head is still clear and I know this game he’s playing. He knows how badly I need him.
How much I want him. How hard it is to resist his hands and mouth on me. It’s so fucking hard. His cock is teasing my stomach and despite my rational mind I want it in me so badly. My insides hurt where he should be. I’m so tempted to forget about all of this shit, just for a little while, just long enough to feel him inside of me.

He pushes closer to m
e, his hands grab a hold of mine, raising them and pinning them against the shower wall. “I love you, beso. I need you. I need inside of you,” he growls.

My eyes, against my will, meet his and the hunger there, the pure desire
, has me ready to start begging him. “Fuck me if you need to Pax, but it won’t mean anything.”

He pushes his body into mine, nailing me against the wall. “Me… inside
of you… won’t mean anything,” he seethes.

“No, Pax, it won’t.
”

He releases my wrists so he can cup my ass and drag my body up the wet wall.
He presses the tip of his cock into my opening and I can’t stop the groan of release that comes out of my mouth. He pushes his tip inside of me and I feel my eyes rolling. He lets go of my ass so that I sink down onto him. But then he pulls out of me and backs away. “Nothing. Fucking nothing. Really?” he asks, laughing like a lunatic. “You are really trying to fuck me up, huh kid? You are one fucking sadistic head case,” he says, backing out of the shower. I’m slowly sinking down the shower wall, trying to get a hold of the desire running through my body and the emotions assaulting me, making it hard to breathe, as I watch him back away from me and out of my vision.

When I hear the bathroom door close, I
force myself to stand back up, fighting the urge to go running after him. I’m terrified that he is leaving, but I shouldn’t be. If that was his attempt at explaining things, at making things right – sticking his dick in me – then I shouldn’t care if he stays or goes.

I wash my hair and my body while
reminding myself of all the reasons that this isn’t going to work with him – the calls he didn’t make, the bed he didn’t sleep in, the coke he couldn’t stop using, the manipulative words he used to deflect his issues, the past relationship he was not honest about, the fact that Stella is such a big part of his life. All of it adds up to one thing. He doesn’t really love me. Not like he says he does. And I will never let another man screw me over. It’s the only thing I know.

I get out of the shower, wrapping myself in a towel, before heading into my bedroom. Paxton is on my bed, hands behind his head, face tense, eyes focused on me. My heart is beating with relief, but I turn my eyes from him like I don’t care.
I can feel his eyes on me as I step into my bra and underwear. I don’t turn back to him until I have my jeans and tank top on.

“Are you gonna come talk to me and tell me wha
t the hell is going on?” he asks, his voice no longer angry, but sad.

I walk to the bed and sit down next to him, fighting the urge to curl up next to his body. “You should know what’s going on.”

“Vi told me you’re not coming back to Chicago so, no, Jessa, I have no idea what the hell is going on.”

“I can’t be with someone who forgets about me the minute I step out of their life, Pax. I can’t even come home for a week without everything falling apart which I
can’t help but assume means there was never anything there to begin with.”

“You left me, Jess,” he says quietly. “You were the one who picked up and left me. Why is it my job to call you
every five seconds? You couldn’t pick up the phone – let me know you were thinking of me?”

“I did, Pax.
I called you as soon as I had a chance that first night I left you. It took you seventeen hours to call me back. You tell me I have to have my phone on me, that I have to be available every second that you need me, but when I need you it’s okay to blow me off and then make me feel like I did something wrong? You need to face reality, Pax, and realize that you don’t give a shit. I went to bed that night, alone, having not talked to you at all. It hurt, it was painful
. For me
. Not for you. I didn’t even cross your mind.”

“You’re right. That was me. That was my fault. And I’m sorry, kid. I didn’t mean to hurt you. You don’t understand what that shit does to me. I lose all sense of time. I was just playing with the guys, writing songs and forgetting about the pain and I didn’t know… I didn’t know it had been that long.
But if that’s all it took for you to give up on me, then I think it’s you who needs to face reality. You were already gone. I know how your head works, Jess. I know you were already backing away before you left town. That you left me with the intention of trying to forget about me. If all it takes is a lack of phone calls for you to call this off, then it’s you who never gave a shit because there is nothing you could do to me that would make me give up on you. That would make me stop fighting for you.”

“You are full of shit, Paxton. Is that
what you were doing all week – fighting for me, for us? Trying to hold us together?”

“No, I
wasn’t,” he tells me, his tone angry now. “My head was fucked up. I didn’t get it – that I was supposed to be fighting for you. I didn’t get that you were letting us go. I was just trying to get by- to get through the show and get through my days without you - until you came back to me and shit would go back to normal. I did not fucking realize that you weren’t planning on coming back at all.”

There is a knock on my door before it opens. My mom is standing in it, looking nervously at me and Pax.

“What’s up, mom?” I ask her.

“Dean and I would prefer that
you and Paxton not hang out in your room, alone. Why don’t you come downstairs?”

“
He hangs out in my room all the time.”

“Yes, well, we are no longer comfortable with it.”

“Well I’m exhausted and I want to sleep, so I’m not leaving this bed. If you need Paxton to go… whatever. You can kick him out.”

“That’s probably a good idea,” she agrees and my chest tightens. I don’t want him to leave my bed. “You are probably tired
, too,” she says to Paxton. “You were driving all night. You probably want to go home and get some rest.”

“Actually, Mrs. Fairfield, I had a little falling out with my mom and so I’m not welcome at my uncles. I’m just going to be crashing in my car until I head out of town.”

Mom’s face turns to concern, “You can’t sleep in your car. We have plenty of extra room here. You can stay in one of the spare rooms.” I have to stop myself from rolling my eyes. She’s so gullible. Paxton’s uncle likes Rachel about as much as Pax does. He would never turn Paxton away.

“Really? I mean, I don’t want to put you out, but if you’re sure it’s okay, it would be great to have a bed to sleep in. I am exhausted from the drive.”

“Of course, Paxton, you’re always welcome here,” she tells him with a timid smile. “I’ll just get the bed made up. It’s been a while since we’ve had guests.”

“Don’t bother, Mrs. Fairfield, I don’t mind.”

“It’s no bother,” she tells him, leaving us in my bed, the door wide open.

“Nice, Pax,” I tell him
trying to sound disappointed, but I can’t help but laugh. “You are such a good liar.”

“I’m not leaving you. If I have to lie to your sweet mother in order to stay here with you, I will. But I’m not a liar.”

“Whatever,” I tell him, climbing under my sheets. “I’m not gonna fight with you. Let me take a nap and we’ll start again in a couple of hours.” He climbs under the sheets with me and turns me around, pulling me back to him. “What the hell are you doing? Didn’t you hear her – go get in your own bed.”

“No, beso, I’m sleeping with you.”

“Like she’s going to let that happen.”

“Like she isn’t. She
already made one demand today. She doesn’t have it in her to do it again. Go to sleep, beso.”

He’s right about my mom. She’s not going to come in here and kick him out. Even though he’s under my sheets. Even though he’s got me wrapped up in his arms and his boner pressing on my ass.
Shit
. I am so exhausted, but his arms on my body, his breaths on my neck, his scent covering me… I don’t think I’m going to be able to sleep. I can’t believe he is here… in my bed… with me.

I lay there until Paxton’s breaths become heavy, until his arm wrapped around me goes completely limp. Until his relaxed body is no longer pushing into me. I close my eyes and try not to think about anything.
Now that I am with him again, back in his arms, I know it’s the only place I belong. But I’m not gonna just forgive him and let him back in. I can’t just do that. I have to stay strong. With him is the only place I want to be, but he’s got some serious explaining and groveling to do.