Illicit Craving (Bend To My Will #5) (7 page)

She didn’t bother to go to the buffet or make a pretense of eating. The waiter gave her an odd look, but didn’t make an issue of it. When she ordered her third drink, Vivienne gave him a stiff smile. “I’m waiting for someone.”

Whether he liked it or not, Vivienne wasn’t budging. She had nowhere to go, and the alcohol was working its magic. It would wear off eventually, and reality would come crashing back. But until then, it was her only escape. Halfway through the third Manhattan, she was already considering a fourth.

Even in her drunken stupor, it occurred to Vivienne that she would surely die. Once the shock and the alcohol wore off, she would have to face life without Jacob. She couldn’t do that, and had no intention of trying. Jacob was the man she loved, the only man for her.

Life made no sense without him, and Vivienne knew she couldn’t endure the emptiness. The relationship was over, along with her life. At least she would go out in style, and with that thought, she flagged the waiter for another drink.

Chapter 8

Jacob had a temper, one he took care to hide. He was practiced at doing so, but wasn’t blind to the fact that it could surface, unexpectedly and beyond his control. A healing aspect of his sexual lifestyle was the release it provided.

The anger that Jacob harbored simmered below the surface, repressed, but still there. He was angry for so many reasons, yet hadn’t been able to act out the feeling at the time. Then he’d been the victim. But now he was on top, fighting against the darkness that threatened to overwhelm him.

He wasn’t mad at Vivienne, and sending her away had been the most difficult thing he’d done. Jacob had lusted for her, wanted her close, and chosen his own gratification over her wellbeing. That had been wrong, and left with no choice but to make it right, Jacob had broken off the relationship.

He was bad for Vivienne, and even if she couldn’t see it, he could. Jacob was responsible for her, in the playroom and out. She depended on his strength, and he wouldn’t let her down, even if it destroyed him.

The whiskey bottle provided very little solace. Two drinks hadn’t muted the emotional pain, but it did help to clear his mind. It was normal for sex play to enhance the connection between partners, making the encounter seem more intimate. He knew to expect this, and was able to separate such feelings from the misconception of a deeper tie.

But Vivienne couldn’t do that. She thought Jacob didn’t see, but he did. And in the dramatization of her fantasy, the volume of her emotions had ramped up. He’d seen it, knew it. Even while high on the thrill of dominating, Jacob had a heightened sense of awareness, almost as though he could read Vivienne’s mind.

When she feigned subservience, surrendering power, it boosted Jacob’s ego. Yet dominating required him to be caring and nurturing, to take Vivienne to her agreed-upon limit, but not beyond. Intoxicated by the thrill of her submission, Jacob had gone too far.

Vivienne had been forced to use her safe word, and that shouldn’t have happened. It was his error, his fault, and he was sick in his gut about what had happened. He took another gulp of whiskey, letting the liquid burn his throat as it went down.

Jacob’s head ached, and his muscles were weak. Lethargy threatened to take over, and depression surfaced. He was on his second drink, but already wavered toward unconsciousness. His familiarity with sex play told him that he was experiencing a delayed reaction.

Just as the intensity of the scene had pushed Vivienne into an altered state of consciousness, the same had happened to him. During the scene, he had been in the zone, with superior focus, his senses magnified, along with an expanded sense of self. It had been intoxicating, the type of high he sought but rarely achieved.

As good as that felt, the emotional drop afterward was to be expected. Jacob knew that, yet had chosen to ignore it. His focus had been on Vivienne. Now that she was safely away from him, the downslide took full effect.

Jacob put aside the whiskey and went to the kitchen for a bottle of water. He needed to drink, and he needed nutrition. It was important to get above this rapidly, because he had really fucked up. Now that he was coming down from the delirium, Jacob could see that.

Whether or not he was good for Vivienne, as he most certainly wasn’t, Jacob had blown it. The way he’d handled it had been wrong. He had seen to her aftercare the night before, and then undid all of it by abruptly sending her home.

How much of an idiot could he be? Jacob knew that Vivienne didn’t do anything halfway. In the heat of passion, she had submitted to him without question. Doing so was powerful, and left its mark. There was no possibility that she recovered from such an intense experience
overnight
, or had any way to process what had happened.

Anxiety riddled Jacob’s belly. Now that he’d come to his senses, he knew Vivienne was severely crushed. He had to reach her before something happened. In her delicate emotional state, anything was possible. It was stupid of him to send her off on her own.

Jacob grabbed his phone and dialed her number. It rang and rang, then went to voicemail. “Vivienne, call me right away. It’s urgent.”

But he didn’t expect her to call back. Jacob saw no reason that she should speak to him again. Yet he had to make sure that she was okay. He couldn’t live with himself if anything happened to her. He must have been out of his mind.

Jacob raced down to the garage, even though his driver wasn’t on duty. He slid into the driver’s seat and backed out, then peeled down the ramp. It struck him how deeply Vivienne affected him, but he didn’t have time to consider that further.

It wasn’t very far to her building. When Jacob pulled up in front, he left the car and jogged to the entrance. It was late morning and Jason was on duty. “Is Vivienne here?” Jacob couldn’t keep the urgency out of his voice.

“I’m not sure. I’ve only been on duty for a little while,” the doorman said. “I haven’t seen her.”

Knowing he sounded like a madman, Jacob pressed on. “I’m afraid she might be in a bad way. Do you have a key to her apartment?”

“We’re security, so yes. But I can’t let you in.”

“I’ll go up.” Before the doorman could object further, the elevator doors shut. At Vivienne’s apartment, Jacob rang the bell. There was no answer. He pounded on the door, but still no response. He rang the bell once more, pressing without releasing, as if making the sound a few seconds longer might make Vivienne appear.

Jacob went back to the lobby, but before he could plead his case, the doorman said, “I phoned Allan. He was on night duty. He says that Vivienne was here earlier, but she didn’t stay long. Then she left and hasn’t been back.”

“Where did she go?” Jacob asked, even knowing how unlikely it was that the doorman knew.

“She didn’t say. Vivienne went out. Allan saw her leave, that’s all.”

Jacob jogged back to the car. While pacing the sidewalk, he took out his phone and called Walsh. “I know today is Saturday, but this is really important. Find Vivienne for me. Track her cell phone, and call me right back. I need to know where she is.”

*****

Across the restaurant, Jacob saw Vivienne alone at a linen-covered table. Relief washed over him. He strode over, nearly knocking down a waiter that stepped into his path. She lifted a rose-colored drink to her lips, then froze when she saw him.

Jacob sat across from her. “Good morning, baby. May I join you for brunch?”

Vivienne teetered in her chair and giggled. “You’re not mad at me anymore?” Her words had spilled out in a rush, slightly slurred.

“I wasn’t mad at you, baby. But I understand if you’re mad at me.”

She laughed. “You can’t get out of it that easy. I
am
mad at you.” She pointed a finger at him, but couldn’t seem to aim straight.

“How many of those drinks have you had?” Jacob said.

“Umm…not sure. Three…maybe four.”

Jacob moved the half-f glass aside. “That’s enough.”

“You’re so bossy.”

“Guilty as charged,” Jacob said. “And I’m guilty of a lot more, but we’ll talk about that later.” He flagged the waiter and ordered a pot of coffee. “Black, and make it strong.”

“But I don’t want coffee,” Vivienne said, and giggled again.

She was adorable, but she’d had too much alcohol. Jacob needed to sober her up. At least no harm had come to her, not that he could see. “Are you okay?” he said.

“Better than okay,” Vivienne said, and weaved to the side of her chair.

“We’ll see about that.” Jacob moved his chair beside hers and put his arm around her, wondering where that coffee was. “Have you eaten?” he said.

“I’m not hungry.” Vivienne pouted.

“We’ll see about that too, once we get some of this alcohol out of your system.”

“It’s your fault, you know,” Vivienne said.

“What is?”

“That I’m drinking. And I don’t know why you’re here, anyway,” Vivienne said. “I thought you were bad for me.”

“That hasn’t changed,” Jacob said. “But I was worried about you.”

“No need to worry. That nice waiter was about to bring me another Manhattan.”

“That’s what I was afraid of.”

Finally, the coffee arrived and Jacob glared at the waiter, appalled that he would serve so many Manhattans to a woman alone, and one who wasn’t eating, no less. But he had more important things to deal with. Such as sobering Vivienne up, so he could talk to her.

That proved to be a challenge, because she wasn’t able to drink a lot of coffee. Jacob poured cream in it to make it more palatable. “Here,” he said. “Drink it. All of it.”

Vivienne did so, but then her face turned ashen. “Be right back.” She shoved the chair and it fell over. Then she made a dash for the restroom, weaving as she went, and Jacob followed to stand guard outside the ladies’ room.

After she was in there a long time, he became concerned. Jacob was just about to go in after her when Vivienne reappeared. “I threw up,” she said, looking a little more stable on her feet.

“I’m not surprised, but that’s probably a good thing,” Jacob said. He put his arm around her. “Let’s get out of here.” On the way out, he grabbed her purse and left money for the tab. It was warm outside, and the fresh air would be good for her.

Jacob kept his arm around Vivienne and guided her to a coffee shop. “I can get you some eggs here, and better coffee.” Despite her protests, he was able to do both. She couldn’t eat the eggs, since her stomach was still queasy. But she poured lots of milk into the coffee and sipped it.

Vivienne was pale and her eyes were bloodshot, but having heaved up at least some of the alcohol, she looked better. “Don’t do that again,” Jacob said, louder than he should have.

“Do what?”

“Don’t get drunk when I’m not around.”

“Well then, don’t break up with me”—Vivienne gave him a tiny grin—“because next time I’ll get even drunker.”

Jacob shook his head. “I handled everything all wrong. I’m sorry.”

“Does that mean we’re back together?”

“You might want to hear what I have to say first before you decide you want to be around me,” Jacob said.

“No, it doesn’t matter what you say, or don’t say. I know how I feel.”

Jacob was afraid that Vivienne was going to tell him right there in the coffee shop. He stood up and took her hand. After getting a coffee refill with plenty of cream, he went outside and headed for the park. He strolled, keeping a slow pace for Vivienne’s sake.

It was sunny, and Jacob found a bench under a tree. It was warm, even in the shade. He watched Vivienne drink her coffee, with more color in her cheeks than she’d had earlier. She seemed content to sit with him, and actually happy to see him.

Once Vivienne finished her coffee, they walked around the park. It smelled fresh, and the sun on his back felt good. They held hands, and Jacob was grateful for the quiet time together, away from the vagaries of life.

Vivienne shouldn’t have to deal with his issues, but Jacob was who he was. Somehow he’d have to figure things out, because separating wasn’t the solution. Despite what he’d done, he knew that now. He didn’t want to send Vivienne away, and he didn’t intend to. The problem was how to keep her out of harm’s way.

After a while, they went to a small café, and Jacob was glad to see Vivienne eat. She nibbled on a vegetable quiche, but it was something. “Feeling better?”

Vivienne smiled. “I felt better as soon as I saw you walking over to my table at that restaurant.”

“How can you be that way?”

“What way?”

“So…kind…and forgiving.” Jacob took her hand.

Vivienne looked into his eyes, but wasn’t quick to respond. “Because it’s you, Jacob.”

He shouldn’t have asked, and he dropped the subject. Jacob was about to wade into the deep end emotionally, and he wasn’t equipped for that. Once they ate, he took her back to the penthouse and they listened to music. He needed to talk to Vivienne, but that could wait.

Emotional upheaval mixed with drinking to excess was understandably exhausting. Vivienne fell asleep on the sofa, and he carried her upstairs. After helping her undress, Jacob did the same and got in bed with her. He wrapped his arms around her waist, and she fell instantly asleep. The night before he’d tossed and turned in the very same bed. His master suite had seemed like an enormous void without Vivienne, and he realized that she belonged there with him.

*****

The next morning, Jacob woke up first and got the coffee started. Vivienne came down looking perky, as well as utterly delectable in her shorts and tank top. “Good morning, beautiful.”

“Good morning to you too.” Vivienne kissed his lips. “Is that coffee I smell?”

“Yes, you do. I’ll pour some for you.”

“Mmm, such service. And I’m starving.”

“I expected that,” Jacob said. “I made scrambled eggs, toast, and bacon.”

“You cook?”

“I can, if the necessity arises.”

Jacob served the food in the breakfast nook, and took pleasure seeing Vivienne eat. “How did you make these eggs so fluffy?” she said.

“My secret ingredient.” Jacob sipped his coffee.