I Don't Want to Lose You (19 page)

             
“Do you really mean that or are you trying to make me feel better?”

             
“Both.  But we can still have a romantic night as tired newlyweds.”

             
He looked bewildered.  “How's that?”

             
“Do you feel like making out?”  I made my eyebrows go up and down a few times.

             
He laughed.  “I guess I'm not too tired for that, but how is it going to be romantic?”

             
I got up and went to the radio and found a station that I knew was playing slow jams for the rest of the night.  I went to my bag and took out a nightlight and found a spot for it.

             
“You sleep with a nightlight?” he asked.

             
“In a strange place, you'd better believe it!  I don't want to wake up in the middle of the night and have to go to the bathroom and be tripping over stuff.  I'll end up peeing on myself before I get there.”

             
He laughed under his breath.

              I got under the covers and snuggled up next to him and entwined our legs. I liked being this close to him.  He put his arm around me and said, “In ten minutes I've learned quite a bit about you. I can't wait to see what I learn tomorrow.”

             
I told him that I loved him and he said the same to me.  I massaged his chin where the once beloved hair used to be as I softly sang along with the song that was on the radio, “Tender Love” by Force MDs.  By the time the song was over the make out session had already started.

CHAPTER TWENTY SEVEN

              The next morning I woke up before my husband had.  I washed myself up and got dressed.  I was in the mood for being in the kitchen.  If I wasn't at home alone when I was at my parents' house, I used to make breakfast for everyone if I had the time.  I went into the kitchen to see if I could locate what I needed to use to make a couple of things.  Some things were low or weren't in the cabinets so I went down the street to the nearest grocery store.  When I came back Manny was in the living room watching cartoons.              

             
“Hey, Manny.  How are you this morning?”

             
“I'm still sleepy.  And I'm hungry,” he answered.

             
“I went to the store to pick up some things and so I'm going to make you breakfast.  Do you like pancakes?”

             
He nodded.

             
“I'm going to make you some, okay?”

             
As everyone began to rise in the morning, they all came into the kitchen to say good morning and to get a peek at what was to come and I told them breakfast would be done shortly.  I made from scratch the number of pancakes everyone said they wanted plus three more just in case.  When I told them to come to the table to eat, their eyes were big.  I served sausage, scrambled eggs, hash brown patties and pancakes topped with assorted berries and whipped cream. 

             
“Does your family eat like this all of the time?” asked Mrs. Cabrera.

             
“No, only when I am in one of my cooking moods,” I answered.  “I woke up in one this morning.  I hope you don't mind me being in your kitchen.  I don't want to step on your toes.”

             
“No,” said Mr. Cabrera with his mouth full. “You step on her feet as much as you want if it means getting breakfast like this.”

             
“Well I hope everyone likes it,” I said as I sat next to Theo.

             
Everyone nodded yes.

             
“If it means that I don't have to be in the kitchen, you have as much fun as you want,” said Mrs. Cabrera. 

             
“Oh, I am so glad that you said that because I wanted to make a carrot cake later.  Is that a kind of cake everyone likes?”

             
They all nodded yes.  Theo grabbed my hand and kissed it but didn't say anything because his mouth was full.

             
It wasn't until I put the cake in the oven a couple of hours later that I realized that we needed to have a talk.  I had been trying my best to avoid having the conversation but now that I was his wife I felt that I was entitled to know.  I hadn't wanted to ask because I was pretty sure that, as usual, I would get emotional about the answers but it was time for my thirst for knowledge to be quenched.  He was sitting at his desk with his glasses on reading a book.

             
I came up behind him and started rubbing his shoulders.  “What are you reading?”

             
“It's a geography book for a class that I had at Berkeley.  I spent the money on it so I figure I might as well read some of it.”  He sighed.  “That feels good.”  Just at that moment I stopped.  “Why are you stopping?”

             
“Can we talk for a few minutes?” I asked as I sat on the bed.

             
“Yeah.” He put a pencil in his book to mark it and he closed it.  I stopped him from taking off his glasses.

             
“Leave them on.  I always thought they made you look attractively intellectual.”

             
He put the glasses back in place.  “So what's up?  Is everything going okay?”

             
I shook my head no while I answered, “Yeah.”

             
He frowned.  “Talk about your mixed signals.”

             
I bit my lower lip.

             
“Oh boy. This is going to be serious.”  He moved the chair closer to me.  “I'm starting to get nervous now.  You don't want to move out or get a divorce already, do you?  Did I hit you in my sleep or something?”

             
I shook my head no furiously.  I didn't want his heart rate to get too elevated over his guessing things like that. “No, none of that,” I calmly said.  I took a deep breath.  “There were things that I didn't want to know because I was just a friend and didn't want to be intrusive.  But now that I’m your wife, I need to know.  I was just in there thinking, here I am making this cake and I made a big breakfast this morning and I don't even know if you have any dietary restrictions. I could be using something that could be detrimental to you and if something were to happen to you because of something I made, I would never be able to go into a kitchen and cook again.  I just couldn't.”

             
“I do have restrictions.  I don't always follow them to the letter but you're okay.  I would have told you if I couldn't have anything in the carrot cake.  And breakfast looked so fancy and was so delicious that I wasn't going to pass that up.  I can't remember the last time we had such a nice breakfast here.  Is that all you wanted to talk about?”

             
“No.  I want to know what happened.  You told me a little bit but I know there's more.  I want to know how you were diagnosed.  I want to know what medication you're taking.  I want to know what you were told the last time you went to the doctor.  I want to know what appointments you're at when I’m at work.  I want to know what we're fighting against.”

             
I saw the jumping apple in his throat.  He answered saying so much, and it was so much to take in, that there's just a blur in any attempt to remember every word.  But he answered every single question.  He teared up a few times and struggled to keep himself from sobbing.  He showed me the several bottles of medicine he kept in his nightstand.  He also pulled out some information he'd been given since being diagnosed to read if I wanted more information.

             
When I heard the timer go off for the cake, I kissed him on top of his head, looked him in the eyes and said, “Thank you.”

             
I had spent that evening reading through the information that he had.  His form of cancer was referenced a couple of times as a rare cancer to have.  I had asked myself how it was that a rare cancer would come upon him out of all people, but the answer was clear.  He was a rare person himself.  I read of all of the symptoms that were involved, some of which I had already heard about from him, and tried to commit the serious life threatening ones to memory by reading them over and over.  It broke my heart to know that he had experienced pain and life changes all because of his heart and that, in the end, it would betray him.

              That night I told Theo that I wanted him to come up with a list of places he's always wanted to go and things he always wanted to do that could have a possibility of actually happening.  I had to tell him that going to France was not an option or climbing Mount Everest.  I reminded him that we were on a Kool-Aid budget so champagne dreams might not come true. While we didn't know necessarily how long he had left, based off of my mother's theory, it was less than six months and I wanted to do what I could to make sure that before he had died that he had lived.

CHAPTER TWENTY EIGHT

              I went to work the next day and went to my dad's office at the fire station during my lunch time.  He had already bought me a submarine sandwich, chips and soda and had them waiting for me since he knew my time was short. He had told me how he was sad that he didn't have more time to prepare for me to get married but he understood the reason.  He was also glad that I hadn't married Nathaniel because he didn't think that he was good enough for me, which he had expressed to me before. 

             
Since my parents were friends with Nathaniel's family, my father knew who he was already.  It wasn't that he disliked him.  He just didn't like him for me.  My father also disproved the theory that there would never be anyone good enough for his daughter because, soon after Nathaniel and I let it be known that we were a couple, he occasionally brought other guys around.  

             
There was this one boy at school who had a major crush on me.  His name was Keith and he was a tad younger than me, which had him on the “we will never be more than friends” list.  I had dated an underclassman briefly after I ended things with Puppy and the immaturity level was way too much for me to handle.  From that point on, babies didn't have a chance with me.  Keith was a nice, smart, young man with a quirky personality.  He was always quite sweet to me and wasn't hard on the eyes.  He did, however, start to have stalker-like tendencies and seemed to always be everywhere that I was.  I never understood how in the world he was able to meet my parents to have his name in the Rolodex. 

             
We had been having computer problems on the family computer and I told my dad that I would ask Nathaniel to come look at it since he had a part time job doing computer repair.  Since he was busy, Nathaniel said it would take him a couple of days before he could stop by.  After I told that to my father, the next day I walked into the house to see Keith at the computer with my father next to him asking fifty questions.  My dad wouldn't allow me to leave the room.  After the computer was repaired, my dad offered Keith to stay for dinner, which he did.  When Keith had left, my dad commented on how nice of a young man he was and how a certain person looked to have competition.  He made me fully aware that he was on Keith's side all the way.  My actions showed that I could care less.  Then there was a young plumber that came to the house and a water delivery guy.