I Am The Local Atheist (34 page)

She rolled
onto her back. “So you’re a Christian?”

I had to think
about that for a moment. “Yeah.” But I wasn’t sure. “I think
so.”

“
Why did you do it?”

“
They were trying to control me.”

“
In relation to…?”

“
I was a youth leader. Taught the kids to think for themselves
and make their own decisions based on their faith. They didn’t want
that. They wanted rules set down in stone.”

There was
silence. The air between us swelled into an invisible barrier that
was somehow crushing me, while she lay there soaking up the
discomfort and turning it around in her thoughts.

“
Why would you burn a symbol of your own saviour?”

“
It’s a piece of wood. Burning the wood doesn’t change anything
but the wood and the air surrounding it.”

“
Right.”

And the life of the person holding the wood.
“I think. I think I did the wrong
thing.”

“
What you did inspired those pictures.”

“
Doesn’t make it right.”

“
Got me a gallery viewing.”

“
It ruined you.”

She thought
about this for a moment. “No. No, I refuse to believe that. It
ruined my chances of another hanging in that gallery. But I have
other paintings and other styles that I want to explore, and as an
artist I have far more that I want to say. There are other
galleries and I have more time up my sleeve. The paintings that you
saw were only one aspect of me. That aspect that had discovered
something in this town that was trying to be covered up. You of all
people then should have known what I was feeling, but you didn’t
stick around did you?”

“
No, I couldn’t. And I think that’s why I left – they were
lynching you like they lynched me and I couldn’t stand to be
reminded of that. I couldn’t stand to be reminded of how
unnecessary my own actions had been if this was the shitty outcome
of it.”

“
Your actions were so necessary! They showed me how I could
feel free to stand up and say what I wanted – not just what the
community wanted me to say but what I the individual had to say. I
had always felt so stifled in Auckland, not really fitting in at
all because it’s so clicky and everyone wants you to be the next
big thing and if you’re not then you’re nothing. Auckland isn’t a
place where you can grow into what you want to be. It’s just a
place where you are. And that’s it.” She was lying on her side now
facing me, shadows hiding her face as her hair straggled over her
shoulders. “Invercargill gave me a chance to be who I am, to
express something that I wanted to express rather than what the
world around me expected me to express.”

I felt like I
just couldn’t accept the fact that my actions had benefited someone
else while leaving me all alone. “No, no. It went all wrong. It
ruined everything.”

She put a hand
on my chest. I don’t think she meant anything by it but I got an
erection anyway. “There is nothing to ruin. There is only that
which you can experience.”

I leant
towards her and put a hand on her hip. She wasn’t expecting that
and looked at me with a vague sense of surprise… which turned to
curiosity, and then her hand moved to my side and she pulled her
chest over me and put her lips over mine. My arm took her body and
held her with ease. Our lips parted, heads angling in opposite
directions; and then our open mouths met. Her entire body was warm
and so soft that I was more than happy to let her smother me.

Oh God
, I thought.
Oh god this feels good!

By morning she
had moved back to where she had first been, with her back to me
lying on her side. Sunlight had woken me from a short but peaceful
sleep and all I could do was smile thinking about only a few hours
ago. I must have lay there for about an hour just listening to
Callasandra breathing before I heard some voices outside the room,
and then some footsteps come close to the bedroom door. There was a
knock and Tina’s voice saying, “I’m coming in” as she opened the
door with a grin on her face and looked at me winking.

“
What?”

“
I smell sex.”

I pointed a
finger towards Callasandra. “It was her.”

An arm flung
out from under the duvet and struck me in the chest. “Bastard.”

Tina asked if
we wanted bacon and eggs for breakfast and if we wanted them done a
certain way then we’d have to get up and tell the cook ourselves
because she wasn’t going to be relaying messages for us.

“
Do you mind if I have a shower first?”

She smiled
cheekily. “I’ll leave a towel in the bathroom for you when you’re
ready,” and closed the door as she left.

Callasandra
remained snuggled up in her share of the duvet and made no signs of
moving so I got up, grabbed my clothes and made my way to the
bathroom.

The rest of
the morning panned out like nothing had happened that night.
Callasandra talked and joked but made no signs of acknowledging
what had happened between us; neither the sex, nor the
conversation. I was a bit disappointed even though I hadn’t really
expected anything. I resolved to just be glad that my dry spell was
over.

Part IX

–
Response
–

I felt tired
and lay down in my room, staring at the poster of Ecclesiastic Seal
on my ceiling – good solid Christian band… with only one good song.
Yet that one song had reaped so many benefits for the band. And
probably those who believed in them as well.

I found it difficult to believe that one little article in a
newspaper had inspired someone to paint a whole bunch of pictures.
The ratio of inspiration against story seemed completely lopsided
to me. I had read that article and it was so biased that it could
hardly be taken seriously. “
Christian boy
burns cross in front of congregation in defiance of his elders.
‘The young man has been asked to leave the church due to his
beliefs no longer reflecting the moral compass of Jesus’ example,’
said one of the elders who had wrestled the boy to the ground in
fear of the fire burning the entire church down. When asked what
the motivation was for the boy burning the cross, the elder replied
that drugs had led him down a path of disillusionment, culminating
in egocentricity.”

Egocentricity.
Big word from a man who did so little.

Drugs. It was
so easy to point the finger at a big-bad-monster if it was going to
make your side of the story look so much better:

“
You leave me with no option but to take the youth group out
of your hands, David. I wish I could say I’m sorry, but I feel that
you have brought this on yourself
.”

I
had brought this on?
Hardly.

I
had never encouraged drug use while
leading the Youth Group.
I
had only encouraged faith and being fully aware of
the consequences of actions, while providing the support needed for
those who needed it.

“
We have tolerated your help for long enough now knowing you
indulge in illegal substances, but this – this is too
much.”

“
What’s that supposed to me?”

“
We know David. We know who you are seeing and the status of
that relationship, and it has to cease right now! It does not look
good, and neither is it appropriate.”

“
What, so I’m not allowed to love another person?”

“
This isn’t about love David. This is about you taking
responsibility for your actions. The sheer fact that you indulge in
illegal substances makes you a hazard to this church and that
endangers the youth that you are supposed to be looking
after.”

“
A hazard! Come on man, alcohol helps kill ninety-nine point
nine percent more people than marijuana does.”

“
It’s not about the facts, David, it’s about the message you
send to the youth.”

“
The youth have never been in danger with me because I have
never encouraged drug use, never been stoned around them, and nor
do I ever get stoned here at church because I respect my Lord too
much, and respect His house of worship. It’s my own private world
that endangers no one but myself. You must understand
that
.”

He sighed, audibly
.
“
You’re too loose David, too vague in your
application of Christian morals to life today. Knowing what I know
now only adds to that – you’re hardly an appropriate role
model
.”

“
Are you joking?
”

“
These kids need more than just positive rhetoric. They also
need guidance that keeps them on the right path, someone they can
look up to and say ‘I want to be like him’ and mean
it!
”

“
Oh, and you’re that person?”

“
Maybe I’m not David, but I thought that you could have been,
or at least were.”

“
I have been nothing but specific in showing full
understanding and appreciation of their
circumstances
.”

“
These circumstances occur because they don’t have a set of
rules guiding them through their experiences. How can they avoid
these circumstances without those rules set in
place?
”

“
It’s not as simple as that. Teenagers need to know compassion
and understanding…
”

“
Oh, please David! You are just making excuses now. Give them
rules so they can avoid situations that don’t compromise their
Christian integrity. Simple as that
.”

“
You’re being naïve, sir
.”

The frustration and concern on his face dropped away and was
replaced by cold fury. He raised himself off his seat. Though he
wasn’t much taller than me, he was wider and stockier and he could
probably beat me in a fight just by sitting on
me
.

“
A man forty years your senior is not naïve, boy! You have a
lot to learn about life, and your Christian ethics at this stage
are highly questionable. Forget about Youth Group, they are not
your concern anymore. Get out of my office!
”

I hated the
church so much.

I was
beginning to feel wound up and the thought of Callasandra chilling
the air between us caused me to feel resentful about what had
happened. I rolled onto my side and reached over to the side table
where the pencil case I had made in Intermediate wood-working class
sat with faded felt doodlings all over it. The lid slid back easily
and my fingers reached in for the plastic bag inside.

There was nothing there. I sat up and pulled the lid right off
and stared into an empty box.
Shit.

I walked to the closet to check my secret stash in the corner
but as I uncovered the loose piece of floor boarding, I realised
that I had ransacked this stash ages ago when I had first started
working again – this was the pot that should have been in my pencil
case.
Damn.
What
the hell was going on here?
Think!

I had a drag before I left yesterday, but I remember putting
the rest of it back in the bag and shutting the lid. I remember
that.
Or had that been some other day’s
memory?
Shit.

I needed a
clue.

Tinsdale was
walking past my door.

“
Hey!”

“
Yeah?” He stepped into my room.

“
Was I smoking pot yesterday when you told me about the guys
coming over?”

“
Yeah. I think so. I smelt it. You were putting it back in y’
pencil case.”

Done. “It’s
gone missing.”

“
Where?”

“
Well if I fuckin’ knew that I wouldn’t be telling you about
how it’s gone missing would I?”

He shrugged
his shoulders. “Well, whadda ya’ want me t’ do about it?”

“
Tell me which one of your friends is a thief!”

“
Woah, dude! Don’t funkin’ throw accusations out like that just
coz you can’t find y’ stuff, okay?”

“
It was here yesterday when I left and now its not. How the
fuck do you explain that?”

“
Dude, don’t get shitty with me alright? No one was smoking pot
last night, just drinking and shit. Cool?”

“
No it’s not cool, cos someone last night took my shit – one of
your fuckin’ friends.”

“
I oughta smack you in the fuckin’ head for saying
that.”

“
I don’t give a fuck. I want my weed back.”

“
Dude, you better start watching what you say, because I don’t
like where you’re pointing that fuckin’ finger of yours. So you got
some shit stolen – what do you want me to say?” He crossed his arms
and leaned on the door frame.

“
Say that someone who
wasn’t
one of your friends came into the house, went into
my room, and left carrying my bag of weed. Say
that
, because then I’ll know it
wasn’t one of your fuckin’ friends!”

He said
nothing. One hand rose and rubbed his forehead. “Shit.”

“
What?”