I Am The Local Atheist (31 page)

Atheists like
Lucas only confirmed what I had always believed: that their
arrogance towards Christians was fuelled mostly by ignorance. It’s
not that some of their attacks weren’t just, but the fact that few
ever made any attempt to understand the Word of God in context to
how us humans live our lives. It was so easy to level an attack on
God as though the way that God had created the world was the fault
in itself. Our destiny was to make the world right by the gifts
that we were given, and to help those in need when the world as
created by Mankind had lost its way. I had always believed that it
was God’s will that led us to greater and better lives and that it
was only our humanity that struggled with God’s creation. As an
atheist, Lucas could only see things in terms of what other people
said about God, or the way that other people described God, but to
truly know God is to experience something beyond description.

Fuck.

All of a
sudden I wondered if that was where I had gone wrong, where I had
become one of the people that I had once despised. “I’ve gotta
go.”

“
Where?”

“
Somewhere.”

“
Hey don’t forget – Tina’s party this weekend.”

“
Sure. You’ll pick me up?”

“
Yeah man.”

I drank the
last of my beer, said “see ya later” and headed for Tay Street.

I walked into
the Sallies as Sylvia came up to me – not unlike all those weeks
ago when I had first entered the building. “I was wondering if I
could talk to Alice?”

“
Yes, that should be fine. I’ll just go and see if she’s
available. If you’d just like to take a seat down here.”

I sat as she
walked off. I could here the mumbling of a conversation from behind
the door that Sylvia had stopped at and raised her knuckles to
knock on. The old woman was hesitant. It sounded somewhat tense,
though not without some humour. Almost like one person was making a
joke of everything serious that the other person was saying.

“
Oh, come on Christie, stop being so uptight about it. He just
likes having you on, that’s all
.”

“
Ahh, but it’s so annoying. He always steps on every point
that I have and never lets me have the last word
.”

“
It just sounds to me like you both need to sort out your
feelings towards each other
.”

“
What feelings? What are you talking about?
”

“
What do you mean what am I talking about? You’ve both made it
pretty clear that you have a thing for each
other
.”

“
A thing? Is that what you old people call it? I can tell you
now that I most certainly do not have a ‘
thing’
for him
.”

“
That’s certainly not how it sounded at Charge Up, or how it
looks going for walks in the park with him…
”

“
I do not like him Alice! At least not
anymore.
”

Alice started laughing. “
Oh come
on!
”

“
In fact…
”

“
What Christie?
”

There was a
pause. Later on when I remembered this, I always imagined that
behind the door Christie was screwing up her face and fists in a
desperate attempt to not say what she knew she shouldn’t. But she
said it.

“
I hate him so much!
”

Alice’s hand slapped hard on the desk-top; she was deadly
serious now. “
Christie! I’m sure that’s
not true.
”

“
He just frustrates me so much! I can’t stand
it
.”

“
Christie, I need you to calm down and think about the
feelings that God has put into your heart. If you look
closer…
”

“
Oh shut up! What would you know?
”

Christie stormed out of Alice’s office almost knocking Sylvia
over and completely oblivious to me sitting on the chair in the
foyer. I heard a door slam down the hallway as Sylvia peeked around
the corner of the office door. Alice walked out and stood in the
foyer trying to figure out which room Christie had barricaded
herself in. She turned sideways to look at me. “I’m pretty sure it
isn’t
hate
that
she’s feeling.”

I raised my
eyebrows.

She came and
sat down next to me. “I think she’ll be alright. I wasn’t
particularly happy about her denying her feelings the way that she
was doing – it’s certainly not something that I would expect from a
mature officer of The Salvation Army.”

“
Perhaps she thought there was a real chance for her and Lucas
before she found out that he was an atheist.”

“
Well, I wouldn’t be surprised if she still does and secretly
harbours a desire to convert him. You never know, they could make
it work. I’ve known lots of people with differing beliefs who made
relationships work, but The Salvation Army is a big commitment, and
he would definitely need to be on board with that
commitment.”

I remembered
Christie saying that she had come all the way down from Tauranga.
“I thought Christie would have been better off staying in home town
and connecting with one of the youth groups there. Help make them
stronger.”

“
Tauranga already has a strong Youth Group set up. Christie was
doing a business degree and the decision was made for her to come
down here and run the Family Store. I thought it would be a good
opportunity for me to hand over Charge Up to her as well.” She
smiled. “She probably won’t be here forever either, because that’s
a job that she can let go of if she finds a new calling. But you
never know.”

I smiled a
fake smile.

“
It’s not perfect David, but we pray for everyone that they
find fulfilment in their duties and contribute in whatever way they
can to the salvation of the world.”

“
I don’t know. Mum always said that families were families
because everyone stuck together.”

“
And sticking together helps you grow stronger?”

I didn’t
answer. I couldn’t. Someone had once said to me that the reason my
family was ‘falling apart’ was because Mum hadn’t moved from her
previous church to the one Dad was at and subsequently had me grow
up in. In some ways, I had to wonder if Rickerton had purposefully
directed me towards the youth group as a way of keeping me within
‘his’ walls so I wasn’t ever tempted to stray over to Mum’s
church.

Alice put a
hand to her chin and sat in contemplation for a moment. “The
Salvation Army motto is ‘Making a difference together’. We are a
family David, and we do care for all of God’s children – in and out
of the church. That is why we welcome anyone through our doors.
Please, feel free to invite your Mum along any time. She sounds
like someone I would love to meet.”

I shifted in
my chair. Sylvia had turned away and walked into the kitchen.

Hearing Sylvia
doing the dishes suddenly caught Alice’s attention. “Oh sorry
David, was there something specific you wanted to talk to me
about?”

I leaned
forward as though I was about to make a confession. “How much do
you know about me?”

“
Only as much as you care to tell me.”

“
But what if I said that I had done something, quite some time
ago and it was something that hurt a lot of people.”

“
Did you apologise for it?”

“
No. I was asked to apologise but didn’t.”

“
Well, that’s something between you and them then. I can’t
really advise you on that.”

“
Do you want to know what I did?”

“
I want you to know that I do care about what you did David,
but it’s not my business to be concerned about what you did, and
certainly not to judge you on it, but to provide you with the tools
to ask for forgiveness from the only one that counts –
God.”

“
I’ve kept away from the people I’ve hurt for over a year
now.”

Alice leaned
on her chair and placed a hand on her knee. “A day will come when
you feel right about apologising, and when that day comes it will
relieve whatever tensions are felt here on earth – or it may not –
but at least you made that effort to say sorry and whether they
accept that or not is no longer your concern. But we’re here to
help you ask for forgiveness from God, and when you accept that
forgiveness then you will no longer have to carry this burden of
shame.”

I hung my
head.

“
And it
is
a
burden of shame, David. But it’s not yours to carry.”

I lifted my
head and she smiled sympathetically.

“
Lets face it David, people have done a lot worse than what you
did…”

I was
stunned.

“…
but when they ask forgiveness from the Lord, and aren’t faking
it, but mean every word of it, then it will show in how they live
out the rest of their lives, and then they will receive the Lord’s
love with every blessing.”

Part VIII

–
Tina’s party
–

I was packing a pipe when Tinsdale informed me that he and his
friends would be having another night in on the piss. I could’ve
stayed but I had never liked or trusted many of his friends, and
was kinda glad that I’d be spending some time away from the flat.
Martin had packed his computer up earlier and taken off to a
friend’s house where they would be spending the entire weekend
playing
Call of Duty
online. I wished I had asked if I could join him – I had felt
some anxiety about Tina’s party knowing that I’d have to converse
with a group of people and was looking for a way out, but in the
end, each option involved spending time with other people, or just
being stuck in the house with Tinsdale and his alcohol guzzling
friends. I didn’t want that last option, so with Martin already
gone and Tinsdale returning to the kitchen with his shit music
blasting from the stereo, I lit up and took a big long
suck.

And lay there
with strange music from the other room vibrating through my body as
the anxiety slowly flittered away like butterflies out of the
corner of my mind…

Staring at the
ceiling…

Smiling…

Happy…

Curious…

Vibrating…

Hyperzoidal…

Numbalicious…

Lucas arrived
at about two o’clock to pick me up. He walked into my room while I
was still staring at the ceiling. Fuck knows how long I’d been
doing that for. Guess I was trying to staunch it out, see who was
going to give up their secrets first – me or the ceiling. I was
pretty sure I was going to beat the ceiling into submission this
time, just like I did with the prison. It was inevitable really. I
had everything going for me, knew all of the ceiling’s moves, knew
its contours; my experience points were at that advanced stage of
levelling up where…

A hand slapped
against my thigh. “Yo!”

I sat up and
stared at Lucas.

“
You got your stuff ready?”

“
Yeah bro.” I pointed to my bag.

He picked it
up. “Come on, lets go then.”

Lucas seemed
like he was in a hurry. Maybe he just didn’t like being around
people when they were stoned. Fair enough.

I walked
through the living room where Tinsdale was with a couple of his
mates already making a dent in a 24 pack.

I nodded.

They all
showed me their middle finger.

I giggled.

As I walked
out to the car, some more of Tinsdale’s mates walked up the drive.
One of them peered through the windows as Lucas shoved my bag in
the back seat and held the door open for me.

“
Got a problem Rucker?”

His shifty
eyes darted backwards and forwards, finally acknowledging us with a
flick of the eyebrows. “Nah bro. All good.”

He bounced up
the stairs and went inside as I stood there watching his back move
into the house; my nerves stood on end but I was still too numb to
release any kind of pent up frustrations on him. And anyway, I knew
Tinsdale was in there and he would not stand for any kind of shit
like that going down. If I managed to get one limp stoner swing
connecting with Rucker’s face, would that be enough? Or would I
just be laughed out of the flat?

I rubbed at my
eyes trying to wake up but Lucas encouraged me into the back seat
with a slap on the shoulder. “Come on.”

A girl with
red hair sat in the driver’s seat. She turned around and said
“hello”.

“
Hi.”

Lucas sat in
the front passenger’s seat turning slightly and saying “this is
Rachael.”

“
Just call me Rach if you want.”

“
Sure. Okay.” I turned to Lucas. “You know Rucker?”

“
Yeah.”

“
Yeah, most people do. He’s been here before, but I kinda go
into hiding whenever Tinsdale has friends around.”

“
Don’t blame ya.” Lucas looked at Rachael. “You can start the
car now.”

“
Alright, alright. I’m getting there” she said as she turned
the key and got us rolling onto the street.

I felt really
tired and had completely forgotten what we were talking about. I
was sure that it must have been something important – perhaps it
wasn’t. Perhaps I was just imagining the shifty eyes that were
staring at me in my mind. In any case, I really wanted to sleep so
took a fifteen minute nap as Rachael drove us out to Winton.