How to Handle Your Emotions (Counseling Through the Bible Series) (6 page)

Both Cain and Abel brought offerings to God, but Cain’s offering was clearly unacceptable. Cain had chosen to offer what he himself wanted to give rather than what God said was right and acceptable. When Cain’s self-effort was rejected, his
frustration
led to anger, and his anger led him to murder his own brother.

“In the course of time Cain brought some of the fruits of the soil as an offering to the L
ORD
. But Abel brought fat portions from some of the firstborn of his flock. The L
ORD
looked with favor on Abel and his offering, but on Cain and his offering he did not look with favor. So Cain was very angry, and his face was downcast…Now Cain said to his brother Abel, ‘Let’s go out to the field.’ And while they were in the field, Cain attacked his brother Abel and killed him”

(G
ENESIS
4:3-5,8).

Question:
“What does God want me to do about my inappropriate anger?”
²³

Answer:
God wants you to examine the true source of your anger. Is it hurt, injustice, fear, frustration, or a combination of these? Then evaluate whether you are using anger to try to meet your inner needs for love, for significance, or security.

•
Have you been
hurt
by rejection or someone’s unkind words? If so, evaluate:

Are you using anger to intimidate or coerce someone into remaining in a relationship with you?

•
Have you been the victim of a real or perceived
injustice?
If so, evaluate:

Are you using angry, accusatory words to cause someone to feel guilty and obligated to you?

•
Has something occurred that causes you to have
fear?
If so, evaluate:

Are you using anger to overpower and control someone in order to get your way?

•
Do you feel a sense of
frustration
because of your unmet expectations? If so, evaluate:

Are you using angry threats and shaming words to manipulate someone into meeting your demands?

In searching your heart, decide that you will
not
use anger to try to get your needs met. Instead, repent and enter into a deeper dependence on the Lord to meet your God-given needs.

“The L
ORD
will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail”

(I
SAIAH
58:11).

A person’s ways of expressing anger usually change slightly over time, and rarely change dramatically. When a major change occurs, there is also a major cause.

If someone is uncharacteristically impatient, irritable, or provoked, be aware that changes in mood and behavior can result from…

•
drug abuse (steroids, cocaine)

•
head injury (sports, fall, car accident)

•
medications (certain antidepressants)

•
chemical deficiencies (hormonal imbalances)

•
certain illnesses or diseases (brain tumor, brain cancer)

•
physical or emotional trauma or stress (post-traumatic stress disorder)

Sudden changes of behavior warrant a close examination as to possible physical causes, especially in the brain.

“Every prudent man acts out of knowledge, but a fool exposes his folly”

(P
ROVERBS
13:16).

How easy to live under the illusion that we can determine what people
should
do or how situations
should
be decided. “My destiny should be
this;
therefore, people should do
that.”
We pray and
expect
God to do everything we ask.

The primary problem with such expectations is that it often stems from
pride.
Ask the Lord, “Do I act as though I am at the center of my world?”

“What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don’t get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures… ‘God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble’”

(J
AMES
4:1-3,6).

Unrealistic Expectations

•
Anger toward circumstances
“I expected good things would always come my way, but life is clearly not what I’d expected.”

•
Anger toward others
“I expected that you would always be here for me, to always support and love me. But now I’m left alone.”

•
Anger toward yourself
“I expected to always excel, but now I am struggling and feel like a failure.”

The more we expect people to do what we want, the angrier we become when they fail us. The more we try to control others, the more control we give them over us. The more demands we put on others, the more power we give them to anger us. Instead, we need to humble ourselves and submit to God’s sovereignty over our lives and over the lives of others. The Bible says we need to leave our destiny in His hands, where it rightly resides.

“Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him”

(P
SALM
62:5).

Question:
“How can I handle my anger over the losses in my life?”

Answer:
When you experience significant loss in your life, you will go through a time of grieving.

•
Admit your feelings—your hurt or sense of injustice, your fear or frustration.

•
Release to God all the pain you feel, along with the situations that are beyond your control.

•
Trust God to give you the grace and insight to deal constructively with each loss.

•
Release your expectation that life must go your way.

Pray,

Lord,

Thank You that You are sovereign over my life. Whatever it takes, I want to respond to You with a heart of gratitude and to accept these unchangeable circumstances in my life.

I choose to stop making myself and those around me miserable for something none of us can change.

Instead, I thank You for how

You are going to use everything in my life for my good and for Christ’s glory. In His holy name I pray. Amen.

“Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus”

(1 T
HESSALONIANS
5:18).

When we feel our real or perceived “rights” have been violated, we can easily respond with anger.
²⁴
But what are our legitimate rights? One person answers, “Happiness.” Another says, “Freedom to have my way.”

Yet this was not the mind-set of Jesus—He yielded His rights to His heavenly Father.
We do have the right to live in the light of God’s will as revealed in His Word,
but if we want to be Christlike and not be controlled by anger, we too will yield our rights to the Lord and let Him have His way in our hearts.

“Trust in the L
ORD
with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight”

(P
ROVERBS
3:5-6).

“Based on what I believe is fair, I have the right to be angry about the disappointments in my life and to stay angry for as long as I feel like it. I have the right to express my anger in whatever way is natural for me.”

“Because the Lord is sovereign over me and I trust Him with my life, I have yielded my rights to Him. My human disappointments are now God’s appointments to increase my faith and develop His character in me. I choose to not be controlled by anger, but to use anger to motivate me to do whatever God wants me to do.”

“In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater
worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed”

(1 P
ETER
1:6-7).

On that hot, dry day, Moses’ frustration reached a boiling point. He had led more than a million of his people through the vast desert. But for all his efforts, they continually complained, questioning his leadership and blaming him for their plight:

“If only we had died when our brothers fell dead…! Why did you bring us up out of Egypt to this terrible place?”

(N
UMBERS
20:3-5).

Once again, the Israelites had no water. Earlier in their journey, God had miraculously provided water by instructing Moses to strike a rock with his staff. When Moses obeyed, a stream of water—enough for all Israel— poured out of the rock (see Exodus 17:1-6).

At this point, God intended to perform a similar miracle, but this time He told Moses to simply
speak
to, not strike, a rock. However, Moses was so frustrated that his anger boiled over. Rather than speaking to the rock, he struck it forcefully…
twice.
Gushing water is what God intended—gushing anger is not what God intended. As a result, God disciplined His chosen leader by not allowing him to lead His chosen people into the Promised Land (see Numbers 20:1-12).

At times, are you like Moses? Do you sometimes allow hurt, injustice, fear or frustration to make you furious? If so, what should you do when you get angry? The Bible says,

“Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret—it leads only to evil”

(P
SALM
37:8).

“Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires”

(J
AMES
1:19-20).